Each time that you feel negative, stop, acknowledge that you are, and discharge it consciously. Ask what you are feeling and what is at the root of it. Go to the root of it in that instant and, as you work to pull the root, simultaneously look at the positive side and remind yourself of the greater truth that there is something spiritually profound at work, that your life is no accident, that you are under contract.
Gary Zukav, page 233
Mind and Body Connection In Negativity
I think the Nitro I have been taking has opened up my heart in more ways than one...It has made me very emotional over the last 24 hours. Emotions are directly related to the heart, just as the cause of my heart ailment has to do with a lot more than a few spasming coronary arteries and an unpredictable heart rate. All illness has a psychosomatic connection. The mind and the body work together to create wellness or a lack of it. It is never just the body and at the same time it is never " just in your head." You know?
My angina has a lot to do with more than an inherited physiological condition that temporarily blocks the blood flow to my heart, it has to do with a bunch of blocked emotions, as well, that close my heart. I don't just have angina in the body, I have PTSD in the mind...they go together, they work together and in order for my return to a state of true health, I need to look at both of these components at the same time. I can't heal from one without the other. I don't just need to learn to keep my vessels open, I need to learn to keep my heart open.
I see that connection so clearly now. We truly need to learn to look at health and healing in a more holistic way. I think it was Deepak Chopra that said, healing is just a return to wholeness. He also said the only true way to heal is through "enlightenment". That is the secret to healing they are not teaching in medical school.
An Example
So yesterday as I opened up to my "negativity" and my humanness I was experiencing both physical pain and emotional pain. I found myself very sad. Just as there was some external triggers for the angina (over exertion the day before), there were some triggers for the emotional pain. I was reminded by some very familiar (which was also familial, coming from the same blood line) treatment I perceived, of the way I felt between the ages of 16-20 which were very challenging post traumatic years for me. For some reason I could not understand then, I felt very unworthy during those years of friendship from particular people, very undeserving of their generosity and responsible for making these people self-sacrifice in order to be with me. It felt as if these individuals were so evolved they were going out of their way to befriend me at great cost to themselves. They were saving me when I was no fun to save. They were often victim. I was often villain. What they gave me, I did not deserve and what I gave back, it was made clear, was never near enough.
Healing Release
A lot of that "belief" came from me but now I realize it was externally reinforced in a subtle way, as well. It struck me so hard as I was driving home from a visit yesterday, a visit I struggled for two weeks to get, of that connection. I felt a ton of stuffed emotions from those years and from that erroneous belief I had clung to until then pouring out of me. The Nitro was unblocking the damn. It felt terrible but it also felt very good to witness these emotions surfacing. I was able to see it happening, to understand it and I felt great compassion for my younger self for the pain she experienced then, and I felt great compassion for my adult self and the pain I am experiencing now. I know I will eventually be free of all this pain the more I release and let go. I also know I will transfer this compassion eventually to the others in this picture but for now it feels good to simply nurture these feelings and myself.
Something Spiritually Profound At Work
So as the clusters of chest pain continue to come and go, so do these stuffed memories and the attached feelings. My heart is opening, allowing for release. For the most part, I am feeling more "enlightened" than I was a day ago. I know the personality I identified with back then was broken and far from perfect just as she needed to be to get me here to this more evolved personality and hopefully someday beyond both. She is responsible karmically for all her choices and she made some less than skillful ones, for sure. No doubt she did things that caused pain and challenge for others, no doubt what she gave was not perfect and I feel bad for that but even still...she had a big heart, was honest and kind, and very worthy of friendship. Clarity shows me that any opinion of her that others held was theirs not mine and any choices they made to "sacrifice for her" was theirs as well. She didn't know better then to see it all clearly, to believe differently and that's okay...all part of the process to get me here now.
The Greater Truth
And this "me" that felt hurt yesterday, is really not anything but a thought in my head, right? Who felt hurt? The more I merge with the higher part of me, the more I go deeper into the vertical plane and the less hurt I feel from the horizontal. It all seems so very petty and insignificant.
I share again in hope that it will help others to trust enough so they can open their heart and truly heal.
All is well.
Gary Zukav (1989/2014) The Seat of the Soul. New York; Simon and Schuster
Deepak Copra and Adam Plack (2011) The Secret of Healing: Meditation for Transformation. Spotify
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