When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Ps.61:2
A Heart That is Literally Overwhelmed
Chest pain still coming and going, not to the point yet that I need nitro but there just the same. I don't mind the pain as much I mind that feeling of heaviness that seems to land on me and hold me down, making it hard to breathe even. I just don't have the energy for anything. So much to be done and I don't have the oompf. The mind chirps in, and it is seldom kind, "Get up off your lazy butt...and clean this house that needs to be cleaned. You have yet to clean those outside windows from the time you roofed in the fall and they are coated in tar dust. You have six pets living upstairs which means your house is full of dander and hair...and you still only vacuum once a week. Wipe down those walls, clean out your appliances and drawers. And what about the apartment downstairs...how long are you going to let it go like that? They are both too unwell to do it...they need you to step up and at least help them with their external environment if you cannot help them with their internal. And really...you should be bringing meals to your loved one who doesn't get out of the house to make sure she eats everyday...once or twice a week doesn't count. And your grandchildren...are you seeing them enough, are you doing for them enough? It doesn't matter how awkward or challenging it may be ...push, insist, fight if you have to. They need you too. And these books you have been writing and revamping...just finish one and get it out, will you? It is taking you way too long! And get out there and work...push yourself to work enough hours a week to earn enough to at least begin to get yourself out of debt...man you have nine years of post secondary education and your income is below the poverty line...come on??? There is no reason for that! You have not infarcted yet ...you have, therefore, no excuse to be this incapacitated. Two of your siblings that have had heart attacks are doing heavy manual labour again...why can't you do more? ...Surely there is something you can do to get out of this mess! "
Listening to the Critic
After all the work ( I suppose that "work" is a bad choice of a word, lol) I do on myself to heal from my physical and mental and emotional toxins...this rampage still comes into play whenever I am reminded of this heart condition by someone else or when my ticker starts to act up...so automatic and reflexive. I am so conditioned to "do" ...to be productive. And that small part of me that remains, that still adheres to that conditioning, gets very, very loud and punitive whenever my body or mind weakens and slips into a state of semi-unconsciousness...a place it can gain control in
Man, at these times when I deserve self-compassion and a bit of nurturing : I have chest pain anywhere from a five to a 9 on the scale; I feel like there is something sitting on my chest; I have a hard time breathing; I am dizzy, nauseous, sweaty...and I still will listen to that inner critic. I will often actually get off my "lazy butt" , suck up any discomfort and do whatever it tells me to do. That is what got me in trouble when I worked...that is what led to the infamous and oh so embarrassing nose plants in front of students and colleagues. That is why I made the big decision to retire early. This inner critic would have killed me.
Not Healed Yet
And despite the fact that I had to give up the teaching I loved, a sense of social productivity and recognition and the chance for a more favorable pension just to sub-exist financially, it was the best choice I could have made. I know that now. I am exactly where I should be. I have healed so much, in so many different ways, because of that choice. ...I have come so far and I am so, so grateful...but ...
..but ....the moment I get chest pain or weaken physically enough to the point I cannot ignore it anymore...the moment when my external situation becomes just a bit "too" challenging......I regress. I am instantly pulled back to those years where I was shamed for saying I was sick when I went for help and where my physical ailments were denied and therefore the support needed was denied. That seemed to severe so abruptly the trust I had , not only in the systems that we grow up believing are there to help us, but in the universe. I did not see the universe as compassionate and kind, having my back...I saw it as punitive and myself as somehow deserving of that punishment. It knocked me down and it knocked me down hard at a time when there was one family crisis after the other to deal with. There was too much to handle at one time. It broke me...it seemed to break my life.
Fortunately, it also lead me to a deeper understanding and to a great healing that went way beyond body healing. I transcended so much. It is amazing how much suffering has lead me to grow and expand .I have gotten through so much and gotten over so much.
And I spend a lot of my time telling myself I am over this too, that I have transcended this but the moment I am reminded by my own symptoms or by others in general conversation about my heart condition...poof...I am back there. Instantaneous! As long as I can deny it to myself, do my heart friendly yoga, spend my day writing so I can remain less physically active so the symptoms are not as obvious, as long as I am able to "pretend" to myself and others that I am perfectly fine, and as long as I can suppress and repress that very challenging and trust breaking time in my life...I am good.
What I fail to realize though is that this didn't go away . It is still very much in me. I have just been repressing and suppressing...holding that pain, that severed trust, away from my conscious awareness. I have not dealt with it! Every symptom, every , "How is your heart?" reminds me of that. I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I get so irritable and embarrassed when people bring it up. I get angry if people keep asking me how I am feeling etc or Heaven forbid suggest I go into Emergency. I don't want to be reminded of how much this seemed to break me. I don't want to be reminded of that pain. I have not healed from this. In fact, I don't even know if I began to heal from this. I don't know how.
From Restlessness to Heaviness
It is funny I have been telling someone recently, how the restlessness I have been experiencing for weeks in my core has changed into a certain heaviness in my chest ( that was before I had the bad angina attack a few weeks ago.) It went from a feeling of restlessness to a feeling of being weighed down with doubt...from the core/ Solar chakra to the chest/heart chakra. Hmm! Wonder what that is about? Maybe I am just releasing a knot in my gut that needs to be filtered out through the heart. Maybe this pain is resurfacing into conscious awareness so it can be dealt with once and for all. Maybe it has been in the way ...blocking the flow of positivity in and out of me? Maybe I am being asked to trust again...not in the system, but in the Universe. Maybe there is healing happening after all. Who knows?
I don't even know why I shared this...it just came out.
All is well.
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