Counting Sorrows?

 Man is fond of counting his troubles but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up, as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for all. 

Fyodor Dostoevsky

10,000 sorrows? 

Hmm! It is not that I was counted my troubles over the last couple of days.  It was more like they were popping up , with hands waving in the air, wanting to be counted. lol. I felt completely overwhelmed yesterday.  I couldn't think straight, felt that tightening in my gut that I believe is my body's way of reminding me I am resisting, with every thing that popped up to say, "Here!"...(as if I was calling row call for all the things in my life I wanted to change or fix)  lol. ) There was no way I could seem to ignore each ongoing stressor as it reminded me of its presence ( it was not like they were new, either ...they have all been hanging around for a while and it is not like they were small, little everyday stressors either.  Big stuff!!).  I couldn't avert my eyes in time, couldn't shut them out or numb, distract, suppress or repress from  each one as it popped up.  I was caught up in the energy of it all and it was like being caught up in a whirl pool waiting to be spat out.  The energy around me was affected...the little things didn't "flow" nicely.  I had last minute responsibilities and appointments to squeeze into a day that I wanted to make "ticker friendly" ( heart acting up a bit); there was rushing that led to palpitations and other symptoms;  just attempting to make a visit to a loved one in need seemed to take hours...becasue of one obstacle or another; I lost the keys to the SUV that were literally in my hands and spend 30 minutes looking to no avail: I spilled things; the dog made a mess in my yoga studio; I stepped on a tack: I made 25 % on my first try at a MC test for my course ( they allow you to repeat it, thank goodness); I ran out of dog food; I forgot to eat and got weak at the vet's; I go to pay for very expensive meds for my dog and realize I don't have enough money in my account  to buy a litre of milk(I forgot it was mortgage day); I had to borrow money from my credit line ( more debt!) and from my daughter ( and I heard that voice in my head go off again, "Imagine having this type of a bank account at your age!    Imagine having to borrow from your daughter. Shame! Shame Shame!) and I came home to realize how my yard, my house and the apartment down stairs is so in need of spring cleaning at a time walking up a flight of stairs is pooping me out!  And it was just this big "UGH!!!" wanting to emerge from every cell of my body.  Too much!!! 

Where are the 10,000 Joys

The fact that I am taking a Positive Psychology Course right now, ( that I cannot afford at this time...more guilt and shame!) is quite ironic as  part of me wants to shut down completely.  It does! I don't know where to start to fix and mend what is broken, to clean up what is messy, dirty and chaotic, to help where I am called to help;  to step back where I am needed to step back; to take the steps toward finishing all that is unfinished...and to just "deal". I don't know how to even begin dealing with this let alone how I am supposed to be feeling about it.  I want to be positive, drawing on some reserved positive emotions I have stored in my tool box...I do ...but like my keys, I no longer know where that tool box is! No wonder I can't remember what I have been learning and am flunking this course I cannot afford. 

Then it hit me this morning.  Since it is just too much and I don't know where to start "changing" all that I am resisting...what if I just looked at all of it and put my big long proverbial arms around it and loved it just as it is.? 

Love it as it is?? 

Well Love according to my course definition is in reference mostly to how we feel and interact with others but I see it applying, as well, to how we feel and interact with Life. "Deep Affection"" and a "willingness to put their needs first"....can apply to how we view our life circumstance.  If I have deep affection for this energetic process called Life and I have a willingness to put Life's needs before my own petty "little me" needs...with a big "Thy will be done!" kind of thing...I would have much less whirling in my belly and much more peace.  Wouldn't I?  If I could view all this heartache in the same way I view my grand son's little face...perfect just as it is, with no need to change, or fix, or control and no need to resist or push away, with no conditions placed upon the positive emotion I feel for it...loving it when it smiles, loving it when it sleeps, loving it when it is awake screaming..wouldn't I be onto something?  Wouldn't I be feeling love of Life no matter what and therefore wouldn't I be much more positive and alive than I feel when I squirm under the weight of what my mind tells me I need to change?  Wouldn't the people I love and want to help be far better off to have that peaceful, surrendered energy around them than what they have now?   I feel in complete awe when I look at his little face, revering the gift of his presence with great gratitude.  Why can we not  look at  Life that way, no matter what circumstances we are offered, whether She is smiling at us with blessing, or screaming at us with challenge or just neutral, offering little in Her sleep??   Why can we not just let go of our resistance to it, as it is, in this moment and just let it all be? 

Well I feel right now that I cannot beat this very challenging  set of life circumstances I am encountering, have been encountering...and I am physically and emotionally tired...I feel my only choice here is to let go of that which I was clinging to in resistance and fall back into the arms of  Life That is exactly where another emotion defined by my course comes in...Serenity:  "Calm and Peaceful acceptance of one self"... I see serenity going way beyond acceptance of the little self to  all that we are...which is Life...It is acceptance of Life just as it is.  It is a letting go of resistance and an allowing of Life to be exactly as it is right here and right now. 

If I can put away my crippling need to change all this, fix all this, control any of it and just observe it all with serenity and love...wouldn't I then see the beauty, perfection and "joys" around  me that I overlook when I am counting my troubles. Would there  not be a natural arising of  more positivity ?  Wouldn't   I  and those I so want to help, be better off?

Anyway, all is well in my world.

Definitions from The School of Positive Transformation