Anger, hate, despair, joy, jealousy, compassion, all continue to take turns manifesting. ...You don't need to fight or to grasp, you just recognize them as they arise, as they stay for some time, and as they go away.
Thich Nhat Hanh
Hidden Beneath the Defense Mechanisms
Chest pain creeping up to an 8 and those thoughts, memories and feelings are once again creeping in to my conscious awareness with it. I wrote yesterday that I don't know how to heal from this mild form of PTSD I experience here. My first reaction is to dismiss it as quickly as it arises. I tend to go to denial right away...which is very common defense mechanism used with angina. I am doing somewhat better there. I am better at not denying the chest pain and other physical symptoms to myself at least though I still do to some degree. I do not fear death anymore and that fear always made the attacks worse...I would be quickly overwhelmed with a sense of doom , you know? To avoid the doom, I would deny. I don't have that doom clouding my judgement now so I don't have to deny the pain to the degree I once did. My fear now is with having to re-access the health care system....that is where the "trauma" trigger is for me and the thought of having to do that is what brings up all those suppressed and repressed memories and feelings I stuff down inside. Those feelings I attempt to deny by pushing them down as soon as they start to come back up. It is that which I don't want to experience. So I deny, I stuff down with repression and suppression and I also do what I can to relieve the pain. once I get past any remaining denial of it. If I can get the pain to go away...I tell myself ...I don't have to deal with the other stuff. I avoid having to deal with what I believe to be the source of my fear...the health care system. So now I have denial, suppression, repression and avoidance covering that which needs to be exposed and healed. Oh and I use rationalization and intellectualization as well. I have a very rehearsed script full of points, notions, excuses and reasons for not dealing with this in an assertive way that my mind turns to. Sigh!
So that is the pain or dukkha that I am experiencing and I wrote yesterday that I don't know how to deal with it...but truth is, I do know how. And listening to the wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh today through an audio book entitled Fear...I was reminded that I have the tools for dealing with this sense of suffering. I can do it through mindful breathing.
Mindful Breathing Heals
The Buddha, I am told, had offered a discourse on Mindful Breathing as a means to help us transcend our suffering. It encompasses 16 steps. Those steps involve working with the body ( and breath is body) ; working with the feelings,and working with other mental formations , noting the difference between an insight and a notion as we concentrate on them. For now I will just use the first eight in relation to what I am experiencing right now (chest pain has subsided as I rest here btw...it only gets worse when I get up to do anything. So maybe I will stay here all day lol ) The first eight steps are:
1. Become aware that you are breathing in and that you are breathing out. Mindfulness for me begins with awareness of my breath. As long as I am focusing on breath, all other mental junk is not at the focus of my attention. And breath is exactly what my body needs now
2. We take that farther by then being very mindful to follow the breath...follow it as we breathe in from nostrils to abdomen, and follow it as we breathe out from abdomen to nostrils. Again this mindfulness anchor of breath brings us out of our busy minds and it also soothes the Sympathetic Nervous System which in turn soothes the heart. We are soothing mind and body here.
3. Then we become aware of body on the inhale, This reconnects us to the body we likely ignored and pushed to the point where we are experiencing pain. We are reminded of it and become willing to rest and nurture it. Well that is what my experience is
4. Then on the exhale, we gently encourage the body to release tension and be calm This farther soothes the Sympathetic Nervous System, allowing the Parasympathetic system ( Rest and Digest) to take the reins of our momentary experience which is much better for the heart. It reminds us of our body and we release tension and relax the body which helps to diminish physical pain as well as emotional. I have less chest pain as I do this and less thought.
5. From the body our attention goes to our emotions. We begin with the positive emotions in order to create a peaceful, joyful space to bring our pain to. We recognize and generate joy. Now joy is different than happiness. It is what I like to call "hopeful happiness" ...where you are excited and anticipating something wonderful from the external world . Hanh uses the example, of spotting a dessert oasis in the distance where you, as a thirsty traveler, may get a drink. It is the anticipation of that drink. We all have seeds of joy and happiness within us waiting to be nourished and cultivated and there are always conditions for us to be happy within us and around us as well. So we purposefully look for joy "out there" and purposefully recognize and generate joy from within. I look for the seeds of joy within me...which is possibility, potential...I hope for a good outcome through all the potential in me and out there. This might be where my Signature strengths might come in handy ...as reasons for joy...they can bring us to that water. My strengths if adequately used may bring me to health or at least to a sense of peace. It may bring me to resolution of this pain I have within me. etc
6. We recognize and generate happiness. As said earlier, we have all the conditions we need for happiness within us and around us. We just need to purposefully recognize them and generate them. Whereas to me, joy is "hopeful happiness", happiness is , "Satiated and grateful joy" . It is the quenching of your thirst after you drink the water. Hope is not required here...you are satisfied with what is. I have given up "notions" of false joy I once had that went something like this, "I will be happy when I get the diagnosis and treatment needed to make my Life better." for the happiness of finding peace, gratitude and satisfaction in what is. Well I am still working on that one. What I anticipated I would experience once I was treated and supported externally, I attempt to feel without this external support. Make sense? I am so very, very grateful for everything...for my heart and all it has done and can do. You know? Grateful.
7. Once we have created this peaceful, joyful and happy space we call up our pain from the basement. We recognize our pain and look deeply into it. Let's begin with naming and identifying what we are feeling, experiencing it and allowing it to be.
8. Then we embrace our pain So I say to physical pain, to shame, to fear, to hopelessness, to resentment, to anger, to despair..."Come sit beside me. I see you, I know you have something to say, I know you didn't like being hidden away again and again. I am here for you now. Tell me what you need me to hear." And we put our arm around this pain and we are fully present for it. We allow it to be. We watch it, as we see all feelings, all forms in this world doing, being for a bit then quietly getting up and walking away. Pain is naturally released when we are open to it and not resisting. Hmm!
This really helps. Try it the next time you find that you are getting lost in your own sense of suffering.
All is well!
Thich Nhat Hanh (October ,2020) Fear. Spotify audio
The Mindfulness Bell/ Thich Nhat Hanh ( Spring 2010) Dharma Talk/ Sutra on the Full Awareness of Breathing https://www.mindfulnessbell.org/archive/tag/16+exercises+for+mindful+breathing
Plum Village App/ Thich Nhat Hanh ( June, 2021) The First Eight Exercises of Mindful Breathing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_iDaIAPrGo
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