"Hole in the Soul"

Our efforts in pursuit of substitutes preoccupy and distract our attention enough to shield us from the raw sensation of feeling unloved or unworthy.
Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance,  pg 138

Oh my, oh my lol.  I don't know how it happens or why it happens, it just does. By that I mean, I don't know why the learning shows up in my life the way it does, why those poems plop out of me onto the page, why my life circumstances are the way they are....why I am pulled here every single day when there are a thousand other things I could be doing in that hour or so that I am here.  Sigh!!!  All I know for sure, in some deep part of my being, is that it is  all connected by a force I cannot even begin to understand fully with this little mind of mine, let alone put on paper in a way others could understand. It is just beyond "me". That in itself is so amazing.

Synchronicity

After I wrote...excuse me...after that poem came out of me yesterday (I reworked it a bit)...I was reminded that rehab is soon over for a loved one, a perfect example of a "hungry ghost",  suffering from addiction. 

I found myself yesterday fretting and worrying about what will happen next. Only five weeks in a program that he expressed "did no good" was not enough rehab. I worry about him.  Are we going to just slip back into those same patterns of living? I worry about others who have been or could be impacted by his choices and I worry about myself.  I don't like being on hyper alert all the time, questioning, doubting, wondering, assuming, protecting myself and others.  It is draining not to trust.  And I feel guilty...so, so guilty... for not trusting , for judging and assuming the worst just so I stay ahead of it in my desire to protect him, others and myself. It isn't fun dealing with such extreme addiction!

To continue on the choo-choo train of synchronicity ...what video do I tap into today from Tara Brach but one on Desire and addiction...which fit perfectly with the poem and the situation we are facing. Is that just another weird coincidence? lol.

The Delicate Fringe of Addiction

I know I am not alone here. Many, if not all of you,  have touched the delicate fringe of addiction in yourself or a loved one, have you not?  In fact, I believe, as I said many times before, we are all addictions waiting to happen. It is in the nature of our unconscious un-evolved minds to grasp and cling and this is addiction is not?

Addiction is Addiction

I am not addicted to "the dangerous" substances per say but, oh my goodness, I know I easily could be if I wasn't careful about what I put into my body. 

I am addicted to tea.  I have 2-3 cups in the morning with the same tea bag or diffuser.  Seems innocent enough, right? Visit me some morning when I realize I have run out of orange pekoe...not so innocent lol.  I would be miserable and make everyone in my life miserable without my morning tea. I also like sugar, which Christiane Northrup teaches, is the like poison for menopausal women like myself but  I still  seem to be powerless to my craving for  sweets.

The Physiology of Addiction

These are addictions most of us joke about without realizing that the  same thing that drives these is often the same thing that drives the gambler to the machines and the heroin addict to the needle. In all forms of addiction we are seeking a dopamine fix from a brain that has been rewired by stress to become chronically deficient in that neurotransmitter. ( Tara Brach)

Dopamine is our pleasure center.  Without my fix of caffeine in the morning, my day is not pleasurable and I am not pleasurable to be around.  My good old fashioned limbic system loves me enough ...in its strange...poor parenting way...to want me to be happy.  The only problem is...the more I depend on substances or activity to get a dopamine charge...the more deficient I become in it...and the more and more I need of this external whatever to put a "Good Morning" smile on my face. Not only that, that part of my brain that controls my impulses becomes less active, the more 'I use' and thus I lose my ability to restrain myself from not pouring that cup in the morning.

The Psychology of Addiction

Psychologically speaking what makes us more likely to develop addictions is our need to fill in internal holes..."holes in the soul" that come from unmet needs, usually but not always in childhood and to "numb" or check out from the pain of our truths. We are looking for substitutes to the nurturing, belonging and love our souls are telling us we need, that we didn't get enough of. These unmet needs lead to a certain "stress response in the  body and mind"...a sense that something isn't right with us.  So we seek to soothe ourselves with something that makes everything alright if even for a short time.

So I drink my tea and get my sugar fix.  Maybe you work 60 hour weeks or cling to a need to make more and more money. Maybe someone you love smokes or overeats. Others may drink excessively to the point it interferes with family life or other social obligations. Some may not be able to get though the day without smoking marijuana or something stronger. Regardless of what the substance or activity, addiction is addiction....psychological or physical or both.

Socially Sanctioned Addictions Vs. Non-Sanctioned

What is different, is how society judges our drugs of choice. Like I said, people would laugh and say "Oh you are so silly" if I told them I was addicted to tea and sugar. ...or even if I was an overeater or excessive exerciser.  It 's all still cool. Now that pot is legal and our youth are convinced that "it isn't addictive"  we see an increase in the "420" population.  It is socially okay to get stoned everyday.   Drinking is okay as long as we don't break the law and get behind a wheel and are up in time to go to work. And working beyond the average hours /week and a desire to achieve more and more  ...society applauds that.

What isn't okay is those behaviours that society doesn't sanction as acceptable. Say if I overeat to the point I gain an extra 250 lbs...does society see that as okay? If I drink too much and show myself in places where drinking isn't the norm...I become a "drunk". If I have a sex addiction and act upon it, "I am a whore.".  If I do illicit drugs...I am a "junkie" and therefore a "liar" and a "thief". I am a "danger to the moral fibers of the society" I am in.  I am judged and condemned by others as unacceptable, deficient etc. Now if society is judging me, how do you think I will judge myself? Even more harshly.

Condemnation from society and self, Tara Brach teaches,  becomes the biggest problem for many addicts.

The Vicious Cycle

Let's look at the cycle of non sanctioned addictions.  The "innocent" and divinely perfect individual gets wounded and has certain needs for safety and belonging, love unrequited. This leads to a stress response and an internal sense that there is something wrong with self.  Dopamine is drained from the brain. The wounded soul with unmet need seeks to soothe itself in some way and discovers an activity or substance that increases dopamine in the brain temporarily and helps to numb them from the pain of not being enough. They go to it again and again and it becomes a habit.   Dopamine becomes more and more deficient and  the prefrontal cortex becomes less active.  The person loses their ability to restrain themselves from the impulsive grasping for that substance or activity.  They are labelled as "addicts". Society steps in and judges them and condemns them for their addictions and wants them "off the streets" because of their dangerous behaviours. They are in a sense "shunned" from mainstream. The external condemnation becomes an even deeper internal condemnation.  The individual labelled as an addict begins to hate and condemn self.  This increases their sense of stress and deficiency, that" hole in the soul" seems to grow.  They seek to repair it, fill it with the thing they are addicted to again and again but sadly more and more is required.

A Hard Look Inside Myself

I feel when I look at the individuals I love who are suffering from such non-sanctioned  conditions that I have been harsh in my own judgment and condemnation. Part of me did not fully recognize their choices as an "illness" but as a weakness they could learn to control if they really wanted to.  In my mind I was stuck on the theory of choices that they were responsible for owning and fixing. Not only that...there was always an "us" and a "them" when I referred to addicts.  I recognize that we are all addicts in one way or another but I drew a line in the sand between those of us who were addicted in socially sanctioned ways and those who were addicted in socially condemnable ways. Addiction is addiction!

Forgiveness is Required

And what do we all need but forgiveness, compassion and love.  I need to offer more compassion and empathy to my loved ones who suffer so,  not my judgement and fear. I need to encourage them to forgive themselves, to see their own inherent goodness beneath the mess addiction has made.  And that could begin by me seeing and saying, "It is not your fault!"

Hmmm!  I also have to forgive myself for my judgment and condemnation.  I take responsibility for my behaviour as I would expect those with addictions to do but we cannot be responsible if we are contracted with guilt.

A truly responsible heart is an open one. And  an open heart is a forgiven heart. The first step then to healing from addiction is opening the heart.  The heart can only be opened with forgiveness and loving kindness.

All is well.

Tara Brach (2003) Radical Acceptance. New York: Bantam

Tara Brach (March 2020 ) Sheltering in Love- Desire and Addiction. [Part Two] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u--mnOOMUiQ