Uell S. Andersen Three Magic Keys Twelfth Meditation
The Ouch of a Reactivated Ego
I don't know why exactly, though I can guess at several reasons for it...but my ego is so inflamed and reactive right now. It is "ouching" at everything and when there is no reason to "ouch" it goes on a wild ride to find a reason. I could guess that the circumstances in my Life are responsible for triggering ego or I could look to the body, like the usual physical reaction I have to July heat and humidity and to add on to that menopause and about ten hot flashes/night sweats a night that leave me awake more than I am sleeping...as the cause . (Don't worry...I already switched my bracelet to the other side and after one full complaint free week, I am beginning my 21day mission again today.)These things are legitimate...off-setted to some degree by the pleasant circumstance that has come into my life. I am a Nana to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Yet ego can be heard hissing in the background...criticizing everything I do or don't do, even in that regard.
Ego and Photography
I see ego , at play, especially with photography. Though it is definitely amplified now with this emotional roller coaster I am presently on , I am realizing with a shock that photography has always been an ego thing for me. When I take good shots I get blown up a bit and when I "fail" at taking good shots that cause people to go "Wow! What a shot!' I deflate like a pricked balloon.
I am not a professional photographer , by any means. I still use a couple of DSLR's rather than pro cameras. And I have yet to master these shooter-friendly tools of the trade. Yet I cling to this idea that "I am a good photographer" and I work hard to make that idea a reality. I do believe I have somewhat of an eye and sometimes I get some, what others would call, "Wow" shots because of that eye.
Ego can get in the way of our learning from mistakes
I am still far from skilled enough to take consistently great pics. I probably take much more "bad" pics than I do "good" pics. I have a lot, lot to learn. The best way to learn, I rationally know, is not through the great shots I take but the less than great shots. Still...I am over sensitive to people's opinion of my pics and I think that gets in the way of me exposing the imperfect shots and learning from them, also it restricts me from exploring creatively...this eye...I believe I have and creating images that express what I like, regardless of other opinion. Ego still tells me "This is good!" and "This is bad!" and I listen. And if the pic is bad than "I am a bad photographer" becomes my mantra. Shamer ego is there to tell me I am an imperfect being. And if the pic is good "I am a good photographer" is what I tell myself . Redeemer Ego is there to blow my little sense of self up a bit.
Long story short...my son wanted me to get some pics of the baby in the hospital. I was so flustered over seeing and holding my granddaughter for the first time, over the rushed situation ...visiting hours were coming to an end...and over a certain pressure to take good shots that I didn't. ( Can you hear ego rationalizing? lol)
I thought I got a couple that were okay, maybe even good enough to push shamer ego aside for redeemer ego. When my daughters viewed them, however, and commented by saying, "That one isn't bad, I guess." I felt crushed.
Ego jumped in with its rampage, "Who do you think you are...Ansel Adams?...Come on, step back and let someone with more skill...which would be anybody at all...take the pics. Just because you have a couple of cameras and some good glass...doesn't mean you are a photographer by any means. That is just an idea you have in your head." I now have this feeling that I let others down and myself down.
Just an Idea in the Head
Hmmm! That is what ego is, isn't it? Just an idea we have in our heads about who or what we are, an identity we cling to on the surface level. It is also the use of adjectives and judgments, isn't it? ...the good, the bad...the right, the wrong? As I have mentioned before, I believe, ego is as two faced as they come. Shaming us one moment by placing a negative adjective in front of our labels and identified roles, redeeming us the next with a positive adjective. But all of it is just thought, idea, judgment, concepts and terminology ...not actually what is or what we are!
I am not a good photographer. I am not a bad photographer. I am not even a photographer. I am just someone who likes to take pictures. Sometimes those pictures are pleasant to me and others, sometimes they are less than pleasant and sometimes they just have a neutral effect..."Not bad".
Really not about the photography at all.
My happiness should never depend on me being identified as a "good photographer" by self or others. Your happiness should never depend on you being identified as a "good" baker, painter, doctor, accountant, grandmother or housekeeper And when it is...there is something more at play than an evaluation of skill. Ego is getting involved, maybe, because it gets threatened when we get too close to discovering who we are beneath these labels, roles and identities we erroneously take on as a self.
The Closer We Get to Truth, The More Desperate Ego Gets
I think I was taking another step towards transformation recently when Life stepped in to challenge me as it will do when we step closer to truth. Circumstances, sleep deprivation, the adoption of another role...led to a reactivation of ego, a now desperate and dying ego that wants to cling to whatever it can to ensure its survival. It got nasty in its desperation...the way an abuser often will when you make the effort to leave an unhealthy relationship. It was criticizing every role I thought was me to make me small and controllable, itself powerful again.
I realize though...that none of it is me. My roles are not me. Your ever changing roles and identities are not you. The adjectives used to describe you and your roles are not you either. They are just words and concepts.
You are so much more than that. You are that which exists beneath each role the mind uses to limit you, to judge you and restrict you. You are unlimited spaciousness, creativity and Love where no such judgments of good or bad exist.
Ego doesn't have to drag us back into "little me" need for shaming and redeeming. We can stand back and simply notice ego doing what it is doing in its attempt to prevent us from leaving it to go to that better place "of being" we are all heading.
A Little Detachment from Our Roles
We do not need to be so attached to our "roles" and these "ideas" we have of who we are. We can still perform them but from a detached spaciousness. Imagine performing our roles from that space, rather than from ego's. Those times I luck into getting a great shot...are times I was shooting from there without ego in the picture. The times I am offering the most to others, be they strangers, my children or now my granddaughter, is done from the center of who I really am...not some "idea" I call me. Our roles do not need to define us or limit us!
Hmm! Isn't that something to think about?
All is well. .
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