Hope and Serendipity

Hope is the thing with feathers

that perches in the soul

and sings the song without the words

and never stops at all.

Emily Dickinson

 

 

I have yet to hold my grand daughter  but hopefully that will change today.  With COVID regulations and an exhausted Mom I patiently wait for the perfect time for all. For now, it is what it is. I will hold her soon enough.  :)

Emotions Arising

I have actually been a mixture of emotions this week. The news that came to may attention on Sunday evening about a loved one's future and the news about how an individual, who I  had repressed concern related to my treatment about, made similar decisions that affected another very negatively...left me reeling a bit.  Then the birth of my grand baby added another dimension to the up and down roller coaster in my mind. On top of that there was sleep deep and humid weather (that tends to effect my body in a negative way) to deal with.

Regardless of the story, the circumstances or the thinking reaction I had to them... I was feeling a little "off" all week.  Happy, excited, full of love,  and at the same time exhausted, worried, anxious, angry, resentful and very restless.

Ego says "Run!"

I have been trying to deal with all this and ego offered it's usual advice: "RUN!" It shouted.   "Escape into thought, story, dramatic validation, busy work, numbing, avoidance, denial, projecting outward, blaming etc. Push away the adverse and cling to the pleasant!"

Serendipity and Tara Brach

I was about to run until serendipity once again stepped in to help.  Serendipity brought Tara Brach into my life.  (Not literally, lol, she does not know I exist) but I was compelled this week  to buy and read "Radical Acceptance" which I am still doing.  As I continue to read this, seeking radical acceptance in my life,  I sit with the intense realization this morning that I also need a little hope.   Then when I flick on you tube to begin my practice of inspirational listening, right there in front of me is a video of hers.  I have never noticed other videos of hers before ..in fact I didn't even know of her until I saw this book I bought but as soon as I open up the YouTube page there she is. The video was  entitled "Spiritual Hope" .  It was like an OMG moment lol.

Hope for Real Hope

I asked for hope and I got it or at least a very obvious sign that I can have it...we all can.  And not the egoic hope that leads us in our attempts to manifest "things" of the external world that never satisfy for long...but that which helps us to open our hearts to all Life is, to trust which I realize I am having a hard time doing.

Skeptical Doubt

The source of my discontent is this deep feeling I have that I can not trust others (always anticipating situations like the one  I have encountered a few months back) , Life ( I stand on guard  wondering what other challenge it is going to throw at me, what other blessing it is going to strip away from me) and myself ( Can I get beyond my brokenness to  be more loving for self and others?  Will I be able to get beyond what is broken in me to  give this new child that has entered the world what a grandmother should?).  This all came to the surface while I was listening and reflecting on the video.

  This, what I am experiencing, leading to a series of negative emotions and thought experiences  is what Thich Nhat Hanh calls " skeptical Doubt."  And doubt is the opposite of hope, isn't it?  The opposite of trust.

Though I have been getting glimpses of egoic hope over the years, I knew to my core that this hope would not sustain or lead me to fulfillment.  Still I attempted to manifest with my thinking. I would almost beat myself up for not manifesting "enough good things" for myself or others, blaming myself for thinking less than positive thoughts. The heaviness I have been carrying with me, based on stored memory of past experiences, has left me with a certain hopelessness, a doubting so pervasive I have stuffed it way down deep.... and that has interfered with my ability to maintain positive hopeful thoughts for my self, others and Life.

A Big Yellow Doorway

 I at first thought that skeptical doubt was in the way of my getting what I really, really want...peace of mind, an open Loving heart, freedom from the second and third arrows of suffering. Now, after hearing Tara Brach  speak and reading her words,  I see that this doubt arising to the surface of my awareness can actually be a big yellow  doorway to "spiritual hope".   Ya...that is it.

Pushing away negative thinking, denying a certain internally stuffed suffering, telling ourselves we have hope when we have an underlying vulnerability to doubt...is not how we get what we truly want from Life; it is not how we transform. Recognizing, allowing, embracing this doubt  and vulnerability with awareness and compassion will allow us to find the hope that we are made of.

And the serendipity by which this realization came into my life is enough to offer such hope, isn't it?

Hmm!

All is well in my world.

Tara Brach (2003) Radical Acceptance. Toronto: Bantam

Tara Brach (June 2020) Spiritual Hope with Tara Brach. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9erb6HJWP-0