Real But Not True

To live inside the belief that "I am bad" or "you are bad" is suffering.
Tara Brach

I think I found a new mentor to add to the list of many mentors who have helped me to see clearly over the years.  Tara Brach, for some reason, has entered my life and seems like a much wiser, more evolved version of myself. lol ...well this "little self" I still tend to see me as.  Her teachings show up right when I seem to need them, perfectly applicable to whatever situation I am dealing with.  How cool is that?

I was feeling a couple of old core beliefs activated today when, Lo and behold, what video is there staring at me in the face when I open to you tube this morning (I begin each  day with an inspirational video/dharma talk  and select from the first three that show up)  but Tara Brach on Real but Not True: Freeing Self From Harmful Belief. Wow! Serendipity is so all around me lately when it comes to healing.  I ask for guidance and I receive.:)

I am going  to step into a vulnerable place and  use a little honest and open self disclosure here in hope that it will help someone, somewhere.

Concurrent Triggers

For some reason, one of the most joyous occasions in a woman's life, becoming a Nana, has triggered and activated this core belief that I am deficient, bad, harmful and unworthy.  Many of us have this belief.  Do you? Of course, this belief can be related back to the question, "Was I a good enough parent? Was I and am I there enough for my son and can I be there in  the best way possible for my grand daughter?"

 This belief activation   is compounded by the shame, deficiency and unworthiness I feel when it comes to health seeking.  The more I am reminded of what ego calls "unfairness" through other people's stories and my own physical symptoms I am gripped by a certain fear and anger.  I want to make someone else "bad" with a thought conviction.  This projection outward as "real" as it may be prevents me from feeling the absolute vulnerability of shame, deficiency and unworthiness.

Both situations have showed up concurrently ( days apart) and are leading to a compounded sense of suffering. They are here, I guess, to reinforce a need to look deeply into these core beliefs and loosen their hold on my life.

My reaction to photography failures was just a superficial distracting reaction that took my mind away to some degree from the core being level sense of inadequacy I have been carrying around with me for decades.  I really want to let go of these beliefs that have been making my perception of life so very heavy.  Though the thoughts and beliefs may keep popping into my head, I want to get to the point that I don't believe them!  And that is where Tara Brach comes in.

Freeing Ourselves From the Strangulating  Grip of Belief

In her video, she suggests that there are two things we need to do in order to free ourselves from our tendency to believe that which is harmful, that which is "real' in the sense that our nervous systems are wired to respond to this collective idea that we are separate little beings, vulnerable and at the mercy of a big bad world but at the same time  that which is "not true".

First thing we need to do is inquire, look deeply into the truth of each belief and secondly,  we need to do so from a place of spacious presence. Thich Nhat Hanh describes the second step as "wrapping the arms of mindfulness" around those things that are causing us to suffer, gently and compassionately allowing, embracing and then letting them go.

Byron Katie and Beyond

We can use the methodology of inquiry that Byron Katie discusses in  Loving What Is and we can take it a step further so that we can examine the illusionary nature of our thinking and believing.   Brach offers us a possible five questions we can ask ourselves when we determine the core belief that is infecting our Life.
1.What am I believing right now?
2. Is it possible that this belief is real but not true?
3. What is it like to live with this belief?  What is it like to be guided by this conceptual map?
4. What does this wounded place within me so badly need?  What will bring healing?
5. What would my  life experience be like if I wasn't living inside this belief?

As I question I know that my belief, as your beliefs might too,  takes on many forms of "I am bad!"  I know that this belief is real in the way my body responds to life because of it but I also know it is just a thought and thoughts are not true. I know that living with this belief has led to a great deal of suffering, fearfully pinching me  off, self protecting and closing down. It has led me to build one layer of ego redemption over the other in order to protect this wounded core, leaving me exhausted from having to walk around with this armour on all the time.  With those ego shells gone now...I feel red and raw but at least from here, healing can truly begin. This wounded place needs my loving and gentle attention, compassion and forgiveness.  It needs to be reassured that "I am not bad".  Removing the duality of judgment, of "right" or "wrong" , "good" or "  bad" from my experience will begin to bring healing.  Accepting myself as I am and life as life is will bring even more. If I wasn't living inside this belief I would be free, open, loving, confident, joyful, fearless, creative and fully alive! I would be the most loving imperfect flawed but real parent and grandparent...fully accepting of self and others, truly wise and present.  I would also know what this is in my body and I would be dealing with it head on...without fear, without shame or a need to blame or vindicate others.  I would be assertive in my health seeking not passive or aggressive...healing in the truest sense of the word!

Hmmm! What would your life be like without your core belief dragging you along?

All is well in my world.

Tara Brach (November 2017) Tara Brach on Real But Not True: Freeing  Ourselves From Harmful Beliefs. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn8c1ex_eWs

Byron Katie (2002) Loving What Is. New York: Three River Press