100 Days of Waiting

100 Days

100 days and over 14 weeks since my symptoms began.
100 days of wondering,
100 days of worry,
100 days of knowing something is going on in my body,
100 days of wanting others to tell me what is going on in my body
100 days of diagnosing myself,
100 days of seeking validation outside myself
100 days of minimizing the possibility,
100 days of maximizing the possibility,
100 days of accepting either possibility,
100 days of "what if"ing the Life right out of me,
100 days of  Life reminding me what it is
100 days of getting lost in some future in my head
I00 days of reminding myself, all there is is now,
100 days of being convinced that I can handle this,
100 days of doubting that I can,
100 days of getting beyond worry only  to slip back into worry again,
100 days of slips,
100 days of picking myself up from the mess my mind wants to leave me in,
100 days of getting by,
100 days of losing myself in numbing activity (thank God for Netflix),
100 days of finding myself in quiet stillness, in presence, in now
100 days of not knowing,
100 days of settling into this and accepting the not knowing,
100 days of learning to find peace,
100 days of failing miserably,
100 days of gratitude for this wonderful opportunity to learn,
100 days of feeling forced into a class I wasn't ready to take
100 days of honoring the teacher,
100 days of wanting to throw my books at the teacher,
100 days of lying to those I love when they ask how I am,
100 days of forcing a smile,
100 days of pouring it all out on the page to people I have never met
100 days of frustration and confusion,
100 days of finding peace in the confusion
100 days of tossing back and forth at night,
100 days of being  bloody tired and falling asleep during the day,
100 days of reminding myself that I am not my body,
100 days of sinking with every ache or twinge or pain,
100 days of telling myself I am taking this on for another,
100 days of wanting someone to take this on for me,
100 days of cursing those who made me wait,
100 days of cursing  myself for cursing them,
100 days of forgiving others for their unconsciousness,
100 days of forgiving myself for mine,
100 days of wanting the waiting to end,
100 days of being terrified that it will.

Dale-Lyn, Feb. 2020

Sigh!  I am not sure why the hundred day marker of my wait has hit me so hard.  I don't know why I am counting the days.  I guess, it all seems so surreal that a person had to wait this long with this worry.  Every day marks another degree of incredulousness. It is also quite impressive that a not yet evolved  person can wait that long without completely losing it lol. Every day I wait and am still able to come here, is evidence of my healing at the deeper level.  

I obviously spent those 100 days dancing back and forth between ego and Self in my coping. As you can tell by my entries on this internal struggle beginning on November 22nd 2019 (11 days after the symptoms began)  it has been challenging. Thank God I had those moments in Self awareness or I would have been a lot worse off. 

I am grateful that this is happening at this point in my life where  I am actively seeking to be more conscious. I am beginning to see clearly and understand things differently.  I am sure in the long run, regardless of what this turns out to be, this circumstance will prove to be a catalyst in my awakening. For that I am grateful.

I do want the wait  to end...the part of me that is not evolved yet (including my body itself) is taking a beating from this wait.  It really is.  At the same time I am terrified of having to face what this might mean in the long run once the wait is over.  Self isn't afraid...but "little me" is

I feel guilty that I didn't make better use of this time.  Maybe the wait itself was a gift, you know?  Maybe it was an opportunity to get everything in order, to cross off some things on my bucket list, spend precious quality time with my loved ones while I am not heavily burdened down with an actual  knowing of something I would rather not know?  I didn't make use of that time.  I spent those 100 days just trying to get by.  Sigh!

Even if this turns out to be absolutely nothing, as it could, it will be hard to accept that I spent almost four months of my life in this mental struggle between Self and ego when I could have been living fully and openly.  Maybe we can all learn from that.

Don't wait until you have a 100 day wait like this to do your learning, okay? Live your life now!  Get out of your head and open up to all that is ! It is all so wonderful!

All is well!

Willing to Have It So

Be willing to have it so.  Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences to any misfortune.
William James

I take James' advice a step further and change that word "misfortune" to 'Life Event'.  'Misfortune' is a judgment, a label that implies something to the mind that is negative.  We do not need to make those judgments and place those "good" or "bad" labels on our experiences. They simply are.

There is a lot going on around me in the form of new and surprising life events. I got told some news yesterday ( no not about my own body situation) that two years ago would have thrown me in a tizzy.  I just responded, "It is what it is. It is neither good or bad. We need to accept all that Life gives us, see it as a gift and live it."  I hugged my loved one  and went on with my day.

I am literally in a position of looking out about me as a quiet accepting, observer.  I wonder, more in curious amazement than with apprehension, what Life is going to show me next.  Wow! I really have come quite far.

It will be what it will be!  It is what it is!

All is well in my world.

Love is Eternal

Love is Eternal.

I Corinthians 13:8:1

It is as sure that those who hold grievances will suffer guilt,

as it is certain that those who forgive will find peace. 

It is as sure that those who hold grievances will forget who they are,

as it is certain that those who forgive will remember.

ACIM-W-68:3:2-3

When What is Perfect Comes

For our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are only partial; but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear. .. What we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. What I know now is only partial; then it will be complete-as complete as God's knowledge of me.
I Corinthians 13:9-10; 12 (Good News Bible)

Hmmm! It was Valentine's yesterday and I was thinking about love. I was thinking of Love as  being who we are as mentioned in lesson 67.  Then I was  wondering  what it actually is beyond this fairy tale idea of it we ascribe to as a culture.  I know Love is so much more than a quick conditional fix we get from being with another in hope they will fill us up.  True Love goes way beyond this image we have of Love.

What we think we know about Love, about life, about being human and about God is so limited.  We are only partially and dimly seeing our selves and the world when we look through these eyes on our head.  When what is perfect comes...however...we will see clearly and our knowledge will be complete.

What is this perfect thing we wait for? 

A Course calls it the "Holy Instant". It is that moment we reach the  Heaven that is within us. "The kingdom of God does not come in such a way as to be seen.  No one will say, 'Look here it is!' or 'There it is!'; because the Kingdom of God is within you."  ( Luke 17:20-21; Good News Bible).

This is what waking up is, what enlightenment, true understanding through connection with our Source is. It is  remembering  who we are and an opening up to the truth. 

When we see through the eyes of what ACIM refers to as the Holy Spirit ...we connect to Self and see clearly.  All the illusions of the world and of others and of "little me" disappear and we will know completely.  Love is not just a feeling. We are Love.  Love is eternal. Love is perfect!

I was reminded of this  passage in Corinthians :

Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited;

it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and it is not resentful.

Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins and delights in the truth;

it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope; and to endure whatever comes.

I Corinthians 13:4-7 9 (Jerusalem Bible)

This is what we seek as we evolve into the beings we are here to be; the beings we already are but forget we are:  

When we can get to the point in our lives we respond to the world as Love all our fearful illusions will disappear.  We will then find true peace and happiness in doing what God intends for us to do.

Like Love, we are to be  patient and kind to all beings including ourselves. 

We find  no reason to be jealous or arrogant.  Rudeness and selfishness are not issues for the evolving Self  because we see ourselves in all.

We do not collect or hold onto grievances when we see through Love's vision.  Anger and resentment is not necessary because Love sees beyond the surface layer of human behaviour to the essence of Love in all things.  It sees Itself...and not as a dim image in a mirror but face to face with what is real.  

In its peaceful acceptance of things as being what they are we, as Love, are set free from our suffering.  We are complete.

 All is well!

 

ACIM (2007) A Course in Miracles:Combined Volume; Workbook-Lessons 61-70. Foundations For Inner Peace.

Letters from Paul to the Corinthians.  Versions: Good News Bible and Jerusalem Bible)

Lessons 61-70: Offering Light and Salvation Through Forgiveness

It is your forgiveness that will bring the world of darkness to the light.  It is your forgiveness that lets you recognize the light in which you see.  Forgiveness is the demonstration that you are the light of the world.  Through forgiveness does the truth about yourself return to your memory.  Therefore in your forgiveness is your salvation.
ACIM-W-62:1:1-5

Light of the World?

Many of us would have a hard time digesting the fact that we are "the light of the world".  That is the role reserved for God's only Son, we assume. To assume that we are a part of that Sonship and part of that role  is considered blasphemous to many Christian doctrines. Lesson 61 teaches that this is not blasphemous or grandiose arrogance.  It is pure humility.  Humility, as ego describes it, involves making ourselves small and meaningless; humility as A Course teaches involves making us aware of our God given role in salvation.  Our only function here is to do what God asks us to do ...be the light of the world.  Each and everyone of us is that light because we each have the power to forgive.


Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the function we take on as lights of the world. Our goal is to remember the truth and find out who we really are beneath all this surface illusion. This illusion leads to defense and attack thoughts; forgiveness frees us from that. Do you not then begin to understand what forgiveness will do for you? It will remove all sense of weakness, strain and fatigue from your mind. It will take away all fear and guilt and pain. (ACIM-W-62:3:2-4) If we want to be happy we need to do what we are here to do and that is forgive. (Lesson 62)

Starts with Each of Us

In order to bring peace into the world we need to bring peace and God's light  into our own minds through forgiveness.  One act of forgiveness...one act of seeing beyond illusion to truth...brings peace to everyone. (Lesson 63)

Tempted by Surface Distraction

The world we see on the surface level is very distracting, often tempting us away from true seeing to the images it offers us.  ego tells us all this stuff we see is important and will bring us happiness.  Truth tells us that happiness will only happen when we forgive/see clearly the world and ourselves  with true vision. ( Lesson 64)

Our Only Real Function

In Lesson 65 we are reminded that the only function is the one God gave us. Salvation of the world is our only function.  We save the world when we forgive it...we forgive it when we see beyond the illusions of it that pop up on the surface level to the truth beneath.  When we do that we remember who we are and who others are.  This true seeing is what the world needs.  Yet our thoughts, conditioned beliefs etc often take us from this purpose and we get lost in ego's idea of function and purpose on the surface level.  We need to remember that we only have one function and that is the one God gave us.

The Only Way to Be Happy

The thing is, the only way to be truly happy is to get beyond surface illusion to embrace the function God gave us.  We will never have peace without forgiveness. We will never have forgiveness without seeing  how the ego attacks the truth, and  is constantly attempting to steer us away with all its false promises.  We have to see how it does not and cannot make us happy.  Only God can .  If we want to be fulfilled in Life...all we need to do is accept the function God gave us.  Forgive!!! ( Lesson 66)

God Is Love and So Are We

In Lesson 67 we are reminded that God is Love , and if Love created us like Itself than we too are love. This lesson guides us into awareness of Self.  If God is holy, than so are we.  If God is kindness than so are we.  If God is helpful, than so are we...etc.  Our goal is to become more and more aware of that Self.

No Grievances

The next lesson takes us into an understanding depicted in Paul's letter to the Corinthians 13:1-13: Love holds no grievances. The Self beyond the ego...knows no grievances. To hold a grievance is to forget who you are. (ACIM-W-68:1:2) Grievances take us from this forgiving, clear seeing Self awareness back into ego's world of illusion, distraction, a need to defend and attack.  It  takes us into guilt, fear  and far away from peace. When we Love...we hold no grievances and we remember we are perfectly safe. ( Lesson 68)

Lifting the Veil

Grievances are like a veil over the light of who we really are.  They prevent us from seeing what we have hidden within us.  If we forgive, we lift this veil away so the light can shine from us to all. (Lesson 69)

Nothing Outside Us

Salvation comes from us.  Nothing outside us can save us or bring us peace  and nothing outside of us can hurt us either.  Just as the Buddhists teach...our suffering begins and ends within our minds. ( Lesson 70)


Quick summary of the lessons...wonderful learning in there people.  I hope you take it upon yourselves to study the workbook.

Foundations For Inner Peace ( 2007) ACIM: Workbook: Lessons 61-70.

Beyond the Self Concept You Have Made

"I am the light of the world"..is merely a statement of the truth about yourself.  It is the opposite of a statement of pride, of arrogance, or self-deception. It does not describe the self-concept you have made...It simply states the truth.
ACIM-W-6:1;1-7 

I am reflecting on an experience I had the other day where I realized later how much I have actually evolved. It was kind of cool to realize that. 

I had gone in for my MRI appointment and was taken to a nurse who was going to put the IV in. She didn't know me so she didn't know I was once known as a nurse or nurse educator.  She skillfully went about her business putting the IV in and doing all the "nursey" things I have always taught were important, like explaining, showing empathy and compassion for the person's experience and offering a warm blanket which is kind of  like a hug in a cold environment.

I sat there, before her as a person...barely remembering that I once identified as a nurse. I had absolutely no desire  or any need to assume or share that I was. It was just so unimportant.  I was who I truly was in that moment, a tree seemingly stripped down of all surface definition but more vibrant, more alive and more real because of it. I was rooted into something so much deeper than a role or an image. I was  there in that moment, egoless...offering some form of light I couldn't understand!!  I didn't judge her. I didn't judge myself.  I didn't care if she judged me. 

It was such an amazing experience...for me anyway.  It only lasted a few minutes lol but it was cool to know we can get to this point.

All is well.

Truth Telling

Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.
-James E. Faust

I wrote this yesterday and realized that I have assumed a moral superiority here.  I have assumed a position of being "right" which thus makes another "wrong".  I am doing the same thing I am accusing someone else of doing...getting lost in a sense of being right and doing what is believed to be  right at all costs, even if it harms another.  I was pointing a finger at an unconscious person when I for a moment was unconscious too.  I was reminded today that "the world can not change unless this pattern changes".(Eckhart Tolle)  As a society we need to get to the point when we no longer feel the need to judge anyone or anything. I was judging.

I am going to review this entry and the story it refers to and see if I can catch the judgments and ego's sly presence sneaking in.

Critique

So I had an overwhelming compulsion yesterday to put my waiting story down here. (getting caught up in a story to justify experience, takes me from the here and now) I don't know why but I spent hours going through the information I had documented to sum my experience  up in a long winded entry .  I tried to do so as objectively as possible but emotion came out.  I realize I am  worried not just about what this might be but about someone else's agenda getting in the way of me finding out. (any time we try to figure out someone else's motivation we are lost in ego)  I am suspicious and mistrusting and that adds another dynamic to this altogether.(These are definitely ego emotions.  The truly evolved person sees no need to be suspicious...they trust Source..."Nothing real can be threatened.")

There could be nothing...absolutely nothing... of concern going on in my body.  It could likely all be chucked up to a few aging changes. I just want someone to tell me that. (That is a perfectly reasonable request).   I would also like to be able to find away to minimize the pain experience...I can handle pain so much better when I know what is causing it. (Though I do have pain and discomfort, I have interjected this here for the purpose of creating an image for myself and readers of me as a "martyr")  That leads me to believe maybe there is a need for some outside intervention and therefore a diagnosis even if it isn't anything serious. So I am not going to beat myself up for agreeing to get the tests done that I had done.

I also do not want, at this point, to get caught up in the "Why is this delay in diagnosis  happening to me?" Truth is, it is just happening and not just to me...it is likely happening to others. It may be so obviously nothing to the experts who view my test results , explaining the delays. (This is valuable interjection, bringing me for a moment away from ego and back to the  truth that I do not understand what is happening in the life situation.)

There may be no outside agendas.  Maybe, I am being paranoid and misreading the situation ( though my gut is strongly telling me I am not).   I guess I just want to know it is nothing and if I am being paranoid.(Again...more honest reflection. Truth is...I don't know!)

If it is serious, I want to know that too. Four months is a long time to wait for a serious diagnosis.  I will have to do something to protect other women from experiencing the same delay if it turns out to be. (This is obviously an ego attempt to create an image of moral superiority to justify my own buying into the defense and attack thing. Speaking truth is about creating awareness, not allies and enemies.  In true awareness there is no need for such.)Of course, I probably won't feel like doing anything but taking care of the situation at hand if that turns out to be the case. Putting  the story down here now will allow me to do some hopefully helpful  truth telling when the time comes. (I say through this truth telling  I am angry for other women and feel the need to protect them which is only partially true...this is just another way ego's need for vengeance gets rationalized)  As of now the truth (my version of it) is just a click of the finger away.

 I also  have to ensure I am doing so for the right reasons and not as an act of vengeance. ( I did realize that yesterday.)  Sometimes anger, blame  and a need to make someone pay is used as way to distract from actually feeling the pain of grief. (True) I don't want to do that either. So I write it down now before I know what the diagnosis is.

It is all good.  Bear with me.  I will get back on track with what is truly important in a bit.

Diminished!

Diminished

Diminished! Diminished!

The  wind calls out as it passes by,

tugging at my weathered bark,

urging me to cry: 

 

I was once  a flowery beacon,
for all the world to stop and praise 

but I lost all my precious blossoms

to the weather's   wicked ways.

The fruit  my limbs  once proudly bore,

thinking it was mine,

was swept away by greedy hands

for someone else's wine.

Leaves that danced in lively costume

against an Autumn sky,

have crinkled up, have fallen

and have so sadly  died.

My arms now bare and empty

reach up into the atmosphere

and as a  ghostly form of less than

my silhouette will so appear.

Diminished! Diminished !

The wind calls out as it passes by,

tugging at my weathered bark,

urging me to cry:

I  will  no longer cry out my wrath or

my need to make it right.

I  will just bow my weary head

and exhale remaining fight.

What I had  is gone now.

I stand in my new pathetic  form.

Naked, exposed and all alone

I am vulnerable to the storm.

Yet as the earth below me chills

and freezes with the frost,

I feel my roots open within the ground

and know that I was never lost.

Diminished! Diminished !

The wind calls out as it passes by,

tugging at my weathered bark,

urging me to cry:

There is a being  within me there

coursing through the veins,

opening up to allow what simply is

to free me from my chains.

This Life travels up into my trunk

and to the very tips of what I knew,

replacing the  surface illusion

with what is surely true.
 

 "I am." My branches cry out with joy as

I bend  to Life's  true song.

"It is as it is", the wind calls back

and it happily sings along .

Diminished?  Diminished?...

It may appear to the eye that does not see

but  the Self within me knows,
that loss has set me free.

Dale-Lyn , February 2020

This is an ugh!!!! poem and my belly is twisting.  I was listening to my man, Eckhart Tolle again and was inspired to write this.  It was a big urge ...but ...it was a lot of "ugh!!" lol.  Why does it come out rhyming lol?  Oh well this is what is...my ego might not be happy and that is all the more reason to leave it here.  :)

I may come back to it at some point either to remove it or fix it up.  In the meantime, we will let ego squirm a bit.  :)

All is well!

Eckhart Tolle (Feb, 2020) Ego 2019: Where Presence Deepens.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99pEoYR_Luk

It Just Is

When the ego weeps for what it has lost, the spirit rejoices for what it has gained.
-Sufi Proverb

91 days and 13 weeks since my symptoms began. 

I slept poorly last night because of the pain (discomfort), which is finding a home in my underarm now as well as the usual places. Pain in my left lower quadrant ironically started again about three weeks ago too. That also wakes me up.    I don't know why that has started again...I have not had it for over ten months...Unless there is a hormonal fluctuation going on because of all this or as the cause of all this.  The body is bloated and uncomfortable as a result of that as well. Then on top of that the ticker is acting up. I can literally hear a very slow and pathetic  clicking in my ear from the mitral valve  whenever I get quiet...it is like a dripping faucet that won't stop until one does something about it.  The point is...the body is talking and it is doing so loudly.

How Does My Mind Respond?

Rational mind hears it.  It wants to know what the heck is going on. It is putting the pieces together in some logical sequence. If I listen to it, it will drag  me down a dark and scary road while  it recites a list of things that should have been done months ago to take care of this.

Intuitive mind, on the other hand, simply says, "Shhh! Quiet now.  It is what it is.  Don't listen to the surface mental messages that come about...but the deeper ones. Don't go back...don't skip forward into some imagined reality.  Just be here now. Just know...that everything that shows up in Life, does so for a reason. And it is all good. "

To which I answer in my calm and peaceful way, "Huh???? WTF(ront door)?Are you nuts???? [By the way...I know that "front door" does not fit there but I really do not want to swear lol]

Strangely Okay?

Seriously, I am strangely okay with everything.  I am okay with the pain, both the familiar and the unfamiliar.  It truly is not so  bad I can't stand it.  Most times, I am okay with not having a plausible answer yet.  I am also surprisingly okay with the possibility of what this might be. Though the waiting on this and the "unnecessary"  delays in testing have been very frustrating and angry making at times to my ego, when I bring myself out of rational mind and ego's need to be a victim, I am okay with that too.

It Just Is

It just is.  There really is no need in getting caught up in "It shouldn't be this way? How could this be happening? Why me?"  It is not just happening "to me' as some form of sabotage.  It is happening to others too. It just is happening. It just is.

React or Allow ?

That doesn't mean that I sit back and do nothing.  I did take part in inspired actions on the way to this moment.    I went to appointments. I asked for help and accepted it when it came. I made calls when there seemed to be delays that my rational mind  could not explain as being reasonable. I did take action but....I didn't react!!!

I didn't react and that is why I am okay with this.  I didn't get lost in the mental commentary and the "what ifs". I didn't get absorbed into the frustration and the anger nor did I drown in the fear.  Oh, I know I slipped many times over teh last 13 weeks  finding myself face down in one of ego's gutters but I got myself up again and again and went back to that place where ego can't go. 

This thing I have been dealing with over the last three months has been challenging in ego terms and in  terms the rational mind can understand but what a wonderful, wonderful opportunity it has given me to wake up a little more.  When I simply allow it to be as it is without struggle or resistance, a wonderful healing place opens up inside of me.

So regardless if this proves to be something very life altering or not, I have no control over that, I am truly grateful for where Life is taking me.

All is well.

Coming Here Against the Faithful Servant's Advice

The intuitive  mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.
Albert Einstein


Ahhh!  I am confused again. Why am I here? Why do I keep coming to this page? 

If it is about doing something "productive" and "helpful"  there is a list of things a mile long that I could be doing (many would say, "should" be doing)  instead to help the people I love, to help myself, and inadvertently help the world...

And if it is about some type of "gain" I would probably gain more  external award from doing  anything on that list  than what I am likely to get from being here. Yet I tend to forgo other things to come here.

It is such an important part of my day and I do not understand it completely.  Part of me still likes to understand why I do the things I do and why things in my Life are showing up the way they are.  I am much more "accepting" and "allowing" of the incomprehensible but I still have a very analytical mind.

It is not my rational mind that drags me here every morning. It is my intuitive. 

My rational mind tells me I am no expert in anything.  I am still just learning all the stuff I write here.  Who do I think I am?

My rational mind tells me that this putting myself out there the way I do does not click with this reserved and stoic self I want to project out into the world. Yet here I am...pulled every morning to this chair where I sit and write about things my rational mind still refuses to accept completely. It is uncanny really.

There are some very selfish reasons for being here:

• I like to write...in fact...I need to write.  Writing ( and to a lesser extent speaking)  is how I express this Life experience I have been manifested into.  And for some reason I feel it has to be expressed whether others want it to be or not; whether my rational mind agrees or not.  :)  This site  provides a medium for me.
• I like to teach...teaching is another one of those things that just comes out of me.  I find "joy" in it.  Most importantly, I find learning in it...
• I love to learn .  I am constantly learning and as I learn...I write, than I teach...so that "I" can make sense of the learning. That is how it has always worked for me...so now that I am no longer standing in front of a classroom...this helps "me".
• It is fun and feels purposeful putting a bit of meaning back into my day that I might have been lacking.  I lose all track of time while I am here.  I am in the moment!
• And the meaningless issues I am struggling with when I come here, disappear. Or at the very least I can put those issues into perspective  as I write...which is healing.  So though this blog may not be healing to others...it is healing for me.
• I truly do want to share something that I believe could be a benefit to someone else.  I have seemingly lost so much over the last decade or so: heath, career, loved ones to death,  relationships, money, financial security, so many things etc etc...and because of that I have gained more than I ever thought possible to gain.  I have gained an understanding that I want to share with te world...so people do not have to lose a lot before they understand too.

I am sure there is some not so healthy "ego" reasons for being here too:

• I have this "helping" thing I do that allows me to create and maintain an image of myself that compensates for my perceived inadequacies. (I believe a good 80 % of the nurses I know...have this in them). So part of me wants to be seen as a "helper" so I can keep that image nice and shiny, especially since I had to give up my RN title before "ego' was ready to do so.
• There is still a small part of me that wants recognition for doing something "good", for being somewhat talented, for being liked and appreciated .  And though this site does not register followers and haphazardly tells me how many readers I get a day, which can be anywhere from 3- 100 plus...and even though I am writing about things I know  could be even considered offensive to strong belief systems that differ from my own...I still get that hope that I will get that recognition here. It is almost a bit pathetic...lol...well that is how "Shamer Ego' describes it as.  I want to be beyond that pettiness and it pains me a bit when I realize I am not.  I definitely do not want that to be my guiding motivation for coming here.  I feel a little relieved when I reflect that I still happily write along when reader numbers are close to 0.  Rational mind shakes its head.
• It distracts me from the outside world that seems to be so demanding at times.  It is an escape...and I can run  into this blog so I don't have to deal with all the other things calling for my attention.
• It is a good excuse for my "writer's block".  I have not been working on my novel...but I can say at the end of the day that I did get a word count in...I did write even if it wasn't what I intended to write.
• It is something "I do"....I am still not 100% comfortable with just being and feel I need to do something everyday.  I do this. Rational mind agrees with this one.

Regardless of why I come here I know I am going to keep coming.  I am going to keep writing, teaching and learning.

What does that make me?  Crazier than a bag of hammers for coming here to spit this new  understanding and awareness out all over the page?  Is so...so be it!

I just know that I probably couldn't stop if I tried. Intuitive mind is a gift that pulls me here and rational mind can do nothing but obey as a somewhat reluctant but  faithful servant.

All is well.

Some Important Questions

Do I desire a world I rule instead of one that rules me?
Do I desire a world where I am powerful instead of helpless?
Do I desire a world in which I have no enemies and cannot sin?
And do I want to see what I denied because it is the truth?
ACIM-T-21:VII:5:11-14

For many of us answering the first three questions is easy. We would likely answer yes.  We want to rule instead of be  ruled,  be powerful instead of helpless, and live in a place where there is no enemy or where we cannot sin...right?  Yet we may choke a little bit before we sputter out an answer to the last question.

Do you want to see what you denied for so long because it is the truth? 

Now the truth is like the sunlight those poor slaves in Plato's Cave experienced. After years of adjusting our eyes to dim light and calling it reality...facing this intense thing called truth can be something we fear. We figure it will be painful...but more than that it marks a permanent transcendence.

When we decide to look at the world with God's eyes instead of through these little orbs on our heads things change forever.  We are accepting true vision.   Once we accept the vision  sunlight provides and open our eyes fully to it...there is no retreating back into the caves.  There is no going back.  It is a complete and permanent step forward. The world we thought we knew will crumble into pieces and we will see something we never knew existed before.

Are you ready to give up everything you thought you knew and believed to be real  for this something you spent your life time denying , at some level, ever existed? That is a big leap of faith, isn't it?

Are you ready to put down your own weapons of defense, your judgments, your separating borders, your belief in sin, your ideas about who is an enemy and who isn't and accept that these things are not necessary or even real? That the sunlit world is one of peace where you will be completely safe and happy?

If you struggle with that last question as most of us do...look about the world that you presently see with the body's eyes...see the suffering in it, the violence, the fear.  See that any form of happiness it manages to provide is temporary and conditional. Then ask?

Is this what I would see?  Do I want this? (ACIM-T-21: VII:8:4-5)

 

Something to ponder! Don't deny true eternal happiness in order to settle for shadows on the wall.

 

No one decides against his happiness, but he may do so if he does not see he does it.  And if he sees his happiness as ever changing, now this, now that, and now an elusive shadow attached to nothing, he does decide against it. ( ACIM-T-21: VII: 12:5-6)

 

All is well!

Adjusting to the Light

Eyes become used to darkness, and the light of brilliant day seems painful to the eyes grown long accustomed to the dim effects perceived at twilight. And they turn away from sunlight and the clarity it brings to what they look upon.
ACIM-T-25:VI:2:1-2

Sometimes we stay stuck in our old ways of seeing the world which is a result of our conditioned thinking because it is easier.  Facing a different, unfamiliar truth can actually be painful because it takes us out of our comfort zones.  We may resist the light even if it frees us from darkness, from suffering.

The Allegory of the Cave

This reminds me of  Plato's Allegory in  the   Republic.  Socrates tells the story of how the  images slaves viewed on a dimly fire lit  cave wall  became their reality. If freed from the cave the slave might run out into daylight only to become extremely afraid of the light he had never known.  It would hurt his eyes and he might even run back into the prison to escape this painful, unfamiliar thing. If he were to be dragged forcibly up a hill to face the sun...not only would he angrily resist being  forced to endure pain from the unfamiliar light in his eyes...the sun could actually blind him.

Fear of Leaving the Comfort Zone

So when we are conditioned to see a certain way, believe a certain thing from our past teachers be they parents, friends, enemies,  actual educators  or experiences we adjust and accommodate to a certain way of perceiving and understanding life.  Our world view  becomes comfortable and familiar, even if it causes suffering and a sense of being imprisoned in it. Even if we are only able to see dim shadows of truth we will often settle into our familiar  belief systems, our perceptions and call it "reality".

If we are offered another version, possibly a clearer brighter version that could free us we may resist it , look away from it and retreat back into our habitual minds where we find a certain familiarity and comfort.  It is too painful sometimes to look at what we do not understand. And if we are forced into that learning it may be too much for our human minds to undertake. It may blind us, preventing us from seeing anything clearly.

Back to the Lessons

So as those first fifty lessons in ACIM teaches...we are often seeing and perceiving a fearful, dangerous world from a limited imprisoned mind.  What we look upon in this view is only shadows of reality and not reality.  Many of us are afraid to look out upon the truth even if it is  beautiful, bright and clear, even if it frees us from suffering.  Every time we step away from what is familiar it causes discomfort to the "little me", the "ego". We are then encouraged by that part of our mind to retreat back into the shadows even if it means a life of being stuck in these crazy monkey minds. We are often willing to accept darkness, suffering, imprisonment over the temporary pain of adjusting to truth.

We can Adjust

The pain that comes from learning is temporary.  If we are introduced(re-introduced) to light, clarity, clear vision gradually and without force we can eventually be freed of our conditioned minds.  Learning can not be forced upon us...true...we need to be ready for it... but learning to see differently can save us and the world. This learning is the waking up process I and so many others often speak of.

We all have our established belief systems be they religious, political, social, collective or personal.  We often adhere to these belief systems because they help us to define who we think we are.  We will also often  fearfully resist other belief systems sometimes to the point of vengeance. This leads to separation, defense and attack which then leads to all kinds of unnecessary suffering inflicted on and received by the world around us.  All because we are choosing to see this way, to stay imprisoned in our conditioned minds and to think and see according to that.  All this when there is a bright, beautiful sun lit and peaceful  world outside our mental caves waiting to receive us. We can always choose that rather than being stuck in the cave.

I am still squinting

I am not hear to push you outside or to drag you up any hill.  I am not here to force any belief on you.  Heck...my beliefs are all over the place now as I learn. I am not sure what I believe anymore as I question. 

All I can do is unshackle myself from the familiar chains that imprison me, gingerly step out side...squint and half cover my eyes until I can open them enough to see clearly all that is around me. I can only question my own imprisonment and seek to free myself by opening my mind to another possibility of seeing before I am even able to open my eyes fully to the light of truth.

It is a process and it all starts with being willing to question if these shadow images we look upon are really all there is.

All is well in my world.

Note: the spell check is not working on this site. Excuse any remaining typos I may have missed. :)

ACIM ( 2007) A Course in Miracles Combined Volume.  Workbook, Lesson 41-50 and Text-Chapter 25.  Foundations for Inner Peace

Plato (2000) The Republic. Dover Thrift Editions

Review I

The purpose of your learning is to enable you to bring the quiet with you, and to heal distress and turmoil.
ACIM-W-Review I: 4:4 

At the end of so many lessons, ACIM provides a review for the learning of the lessons just covered.  This review will cover the next ten lessons.

It is important to review.  As an educator, I relied heavily on doing reviews after a session was covered to highlight the important areas of learning I wanted my students to master.  It is cool to see A Course doing the same.

Key points of the last fifty lessons:

• What we think we see with the body's eyes is actually taking the place of real vision
• Our self destructive judgments give false meaning to everything we see and are not based on reality.  Therefore we do not understand anything we see and what we do see means nothing. 
• We are never upset for the reasons we think we are.  We are upset because we are constantly having to justify these unreal thoughts we have and because we have replaced reality, which is always peaceful, with illusion which too often isn't.
• We often see through eyes of conditioning, of past and our minds are often "stuck" in that, therefore we are unable to see anything as it is now.  We need to learn to forgive and give the past away.
• We do not recognize that our mind cannot be apart from God and tend to focus only on our "little me" thoughts which mean nothing
• These meaningless thoughts the little me creates are showing us a crazy, chaotic, and scary  meaningless world.  This upsets us and causes fear. We need to remind ourselves that God did not create a meaningless world and that our thoughts are just false images we have made.
• Our thoughts...the ones we create without God are not neutral...we are always thinking in terms of black or white so we cannot see neutral things.  Everything we feel or experience then are a result of our judgments.
• We need to realize that what we see or think impacts the entire world and therefore must be determined to see clearly, to see things differently, to see things through eyes of Love instead of eyes of vengeance/attack and defense
• We are invulnerable but our attack thoughts make us feel vulnerable. In order to tap back into that invulnerability we need to remember that God is in  everything we see because God is in our mind.  To see differently we need to remember Who we are.
• We are only victims to the mind the little me uses to create fear.  There is another more peaceful way of looking at the world.  We can choose peace instead.  We are after all very holy because our minds are parts of God.
• This holiness surrounds everything we see, blesses the entire world and can do absolutely everything.  Most importantly this holiness, as a blessed child of God, frees us from our mind.
• God is with us wherever we go giving us strength and clear vision.  God is our Source and we cannot be apart from Him. He is the light by which we see and the mind by which we think.

You will yet learn that peace is part of you, and requires only that you be there to embrace any situation in which you are. ACIM-W-Review I:5:1

Nothing To Fear

The awareness that there is nothing to fear shows that somewhere in your mind, though not necessarily in a place you recognize as yet, you have remembered God, and let His strength take the place of your weakness.  The instant you are willing to do this there is indeed nothing to fear.
ACIM-W-48:3:2-3

I have been slipping into my mind again  and getting lost there over the last 48 hours.  The physical pain ( I do hate to call it pain...discomfort....) has been getting more and more persistent and intense  as the visual changes become more and more apparent.  I watch as this body awareness pulls me into some doing and  a whole host of thinking.

The doing involved taking  a step forward again into my health seeking where  I discovered something that left me once again sick to my stomach, reinforcing the sick convictions I have in my head that I do not want to have. The thoughts that I am led to leave me feeling fear, worry, anger, frustration and so much confusion as the age old question is asked again: "Why? Why is this happening in the way it is happening? Again?"

That leads me back to memory, recollected past experiences, and emotions...to old convictions and beliefs those experiences have left me with.  This increases the fear reaction, the sense of helplessness.... Or...It ignites my impulse desire to defend or attack.  I am back on the ego roller coaster. Where is that roller coaster?...In my mind and in my mind only.

I got so caught up in the ups and downs, the twists and turns of the ride, thinking it was all so real,  I have forgotten who I am and Who is with me.

As soon as I realize I am slipping away...as soon as I see myself strapped in and trembling in that seat ego wants me in , I wake up a tiny bit.  I realize I have the power to remove the restraint and get up off the ride. I do.

I walk into the welcoming, patiently waiting arms of Source...that was never a part from me.  I can walk back into stillness, silence, spaciousness  instead of turmoil because I never really left.  I just thought I did.   I can then look out upon all that "stuff" that seems to be happening and know it is just that..."stuff".  I can choose  peace instead of it. That stuff can't touch me here. 


It is all so very good.

Lesson 41-50: Wherever You Go

You can never be deprived of your perfect holiness because its Source goes with you wherever you go.  You can never suffer because the Source of all joy goes with you wherever you go.  You can never be alone because the source of all life goes with you wherever you go.  Nothing can destroy your peace of mind because God goes with you wherever you go.
ACIM-W-41: 4:1-4

Not Separated From Source

Wow!  If we all knew the truth of the above statement there would be a lot less suffering, a lot less depression, anxiety, loneliness and the tragic results of such suffering in the world, wouldn't there be?

 As Lesson 41 teaches, the reason why there is so much of this suffering in the world is because  we mistakenly feel separated from the one thing that can save us ( without knowing we feel this way).  The thing is... we are not separated. The mind just convinces us we are alone in this big scary world.  We aren't separated and we cannot be...

We are ripples and rays which are not only parts of something greater but are it. We are all parts of this One consciousness and cannot be separated from it or from each other because of that.

This lesson echoes the teachings of  Yoga and of  the Noble Truths of Buddhism.  Yes... there is suffering but only because of what our minds are doing. The cause of suffering is in our minds and the solution is there too.

Deep within you is everything that is perfect, ready to radiate through you and out into the world.  It will cure all sorrow and pain and fear and loss because it will heal the mind that thought these things were real, and suffered out of allegiance to them. ACIM-W-41:3:1-2

So in this lesson, we are guided to remember the truth and to reach out to God with God goes with me wherever I go,as we meditate quietly for five minutes in the morning. and remind ourselves of this truth throughout the day.

Strength and Vision

In Lesson 42, we are reminded that God is my strength.  Vision is His Gift. We are asked to repeat this idea very slowly to ourselves two times a day for about five minutes each time.  We begin my looking around with eyes open and then closing our eyes, while we randomly think of thoughts that relate to this idea. We are to just let the thoughts come without actively trying to think them up...to just allow whatever learning that is there come into our minds.

Beyond The Eyes' Perception

In the next lesson, the distinction between perception and true knowing is made.  Perception is of the human mind, not of God.  It has no function in God and therefore really does not exist.  Yet it  is what the ego uses as we maneuver around this world of form. 

It is with perception that we separate ourselves from God in a sense, with bodily borders we are made aware of by our five senses. We think we, in these minute little forms, are seeing, hearing, smelling etc  separately from all else...when in reality what we see with our eyes, which is merely a perception of the body,  is not real seeing. Because we cannot see apart from God we cannot really see. 

We are asked to look about our environment  three times this day...God is my Source.  I cannot see this_____apart from Him...as we allow our eyes to fall indiscriminately on whatever they fall on.  Then we close our eyes and with this idea in mind we allow whatever relevant thoughts related to this to come into mind as we imagine how God would view the world.  For example we may think, I see the world as blessed. (Lesson 43)

Light Within

In Lesson 44 we are asked to remember that light is within us, not without.  We really do all our seeing inside.  The mechanisms that processes light so we see visual images takes place within the body,  but more importantly, God is the light in which I see. Because light and life must go together and we cannot create light this exercise attempts to train us to reach the light.  The training involves standing aside from the ego and meditating three times this day for five minutes.  We are to simply sit with eyes opened then closed observing passing thoughts.

Real Thoughts

In the next lesson, we go a little deeper into the process of getting beyond our thinking to what is real.  We are reminded that nothing that we think we see resembles real vision...what the Mind of God would see.

Through three five minute meditation practises, we are asked to try to  reach our real thoughts. My real thoughts are in my mind.  I would like to find them. Beneath all the mental clutter or what Patanjali referred to as mental modifications are the real thoughts we think with God.  All other thinking is unreal and unnecessary and that which gets in the way of our peace. 

We are asked to approach this practice  in a sacred way honoring the holy place we are trying to reach.  We are seeking to reach the Kingdom of Heaven within that exists in our minds. We are also asked to appreciate our mind's holiness and the Thoughts God is thinking with us. (Lesson 45)

A Practice of Forgiveness

Lesson 46 is a practice of forgiveness. In order for there to be a need for forgiveness there must be some form of condemnation. Condemnation is a product of fear and therefore isn't real. God does not forgive, according to ACIM, because He has never condemned and sees fear as an illusion. Forgiveness simply frees us from our illusions. Those who forgive are thus releasing themselves from illusions, while those who withhold forgiveness are binding themselves to them. ( ACIM-W-46:1:4)

 Though God does not forgive, his love is the basis of forgiveness because only love can forgive. 

The practice involves three, five minute sessions of closing our eyes and searching for people we have not forgiven.  It could be for small things like forgetting our birthdays or for larger things like betraying us in some way. 

And it is an all or none type of thing. We have either forgiven them entirely or not at all.  We are asked to repeat. God is the Love in which I forgive you ( name),as we think of each person. 
Then we are asked to forgive ourselves in the same way. 

We then try to allow related thoughts around the central idea to come to mind.  These thoughts may include things like, God is the love in which I am blessed or No fear is possible in the mind beloved of God.

Trusting God's Strength Over Our Own

Many of us erroneously trust in our strength and fruitlessly attempt to predict, control and fix our environments so we feel safe. No wonder why we feel fear, anxiety, depression , anger and sorrow as we deal with the circumstances of our lives.  

We need to see that we are frail and weak as ego identities so we can realize that God is our safety in every circumstance. God is the strength in which I trust. We are asked to meditate on this truth four times this day for five minutes each. (Lesson 47)

Nothing To Fear

Lesson 48 is easy.  We just need to repeat this fact, There is nothing to fear, as often as possible throughout the day. The presence of fear,it is said, is a sure sign that we are trusting in our strength and not remembering God.

Going Deeper to the Part that Listens

Parts of our minds' listen to God.  The part that listens is below the habitual mind the ego uses to keep us away from God.  It is below the distracted, busy, chattering and disorganized part of our minds.

  The part that listens to the Voice of God is always  still, peaceful calm...it is the essence Eckhart Tolle speaks about and really is the only part there is. We are asked in Lesson 49 not to listen to the crazy parts of our minds for four five minutes sessions through out the day and to see if we can tap into the stillness and peaceful mind that lies beneath the chatter, in the depth of who we are. God's Voice speaks to me all throughout the day.

The Love of God Sustains

The answer to all our so called problems is knowing, I am sustained by the Love of God. We too often believe we are sustained by ego things like money, pills, recognition, success, the right people etc but theses things do not protect us or get us through trying circumstances peacefully.  The only thing that can do that is the Love of God.  The Love of God can take us to a state of peace that nothing can threaten And this is the answer to handling whatever we come across. In two ten minute sessions we are asked to repeat and think about this truth. ( Lesson 50)

That brings me to these words at the core of ACIM's introduction:

Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists

Herein Lies the Peace of God

 

All is well.

 

A Course in Miracles. Workbook Lessons 41-50. Foundations For Inner Peace

Ripples and Rays

When the ripple realizes it is also and more fundamentally the ocean, then it is not only a realization of the ripple but of the ocean too, through the ripple.

-Eckhart Tolle

Wow!  That is beautiful eh?

As we awaken, and begin to see ourselves beyond thinking, and beyond the identification we have with these egos...these  false selves...these pseudo images that are merely surface reflections of the mind...we begin to see, amazingly, that we are a part of something so much greater.  Being a part of it means we are it.

Beneath all this mind stuff,  our labels, our stories, our history and this crazy idea we have of future...we are simply present.  This still and spacious presence which Tolle refers to in  the video, Freedom from the False Self , as essence is who we truly are.  Essence  has no form, no problems, no past or future...it simply is now. Essence is the Life that beats and breathes within us as we manifest so briefly in human form. 

All beings have this essence for it comes from One Source of universal essence. The essence of who we are is consciousness, so we are consciousness.  All Life is a manifestation of One consciousness... what many of us refer to as God. We are all pieces of a greater whole.

God is like the sun that creates all Life and we are rays of that sun. God is like the ocean that sustains and maintains all Life and we are the ripples.

We are merely, yet so awesomely, manifestations of that One Source of consciousness.  That is, I believe, why we are here...to allow this consciousness to manifest, expand  and evolve. That is what Life is ...a never -ending,  unfolding process of evolution.

How absolutely cool is that?



Eckhart Tolle (Feb 2, 2020) Freedom From the False Self. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_DKenOqjJ4

The Ego and The Poem

Who I am cannot be reflected back for anyone else to think, or know, or see
and it is with this eternal knowing  that the Observer is finally set free.


What the heck was that???

I can almost hear the voices of those that read the poem asking out loud,  "What the heck was that?"  I wish I could tell you what it is but I only partly "know".  Like most of my poems it just came out.


The Process

 I was reminded of something from reviewing A Course and from listening to Eckhart Tolle's amazing lecture the last two mornings (cited in the last entry), and I was inspired. I had this strong feeling to write a poem.  I was in-spired, In -spirit, whatever that may mean to you.

Let me be clear, I am not saying I am channelling when I write poetry. In fact, I am not sure of that channelling  stuff even though I do like to hear or read  certain  people who say they are channelled  if the message resonates...But to say our bodies and minds can be used by some entity from another dimension to come through...I don't know about that. I am not going there.

It is true, however, when I am inspired, something within me seems to take over the writing process, something beyond my busy little monkey mind. I am conscious and I am aware of the thoughts going on in my head as I write.  I am aware of some message that wants to come out. I am aware of rhythm. meter, rhyme...how the poem "sounds" but it isn't my little self doing the writing.

Sometimes it comes out so fast it feels like I just threw up a bunch of words on the page ( better than pee soup, I suppose). And if I didn't vomit then, there are many more times little me wants to gag after wards when I am reading some of the poems I wrote. It's like, "What the heck is that???!!"

And if it was an action of pure ego...I would not have made it rhyme!  I would  like to see myself as more of a  contemporary poet, relying more on creating rhythm and imagery within the lines rather than rhyming the words at the end of each line. Yet most of my poems  come out rhyming. Go figure!  Thank God I have a soft spot for the Romantic poets like Wordsworth, Coleridge, Dickinson who use rhyme schemes.  It makes what comes out of me a little more tolerable to my ego.

Despite plenty of  "WTF(ront door)s?" I have learned to respect the process and whatever comes out. I don't own it...it belongs to some deeper part of me but I do use my mind to revise and edit what appears. I will review it in my head so it sounds as good as I think it is going to sound whether anyone else judges it as such or not. I allow the rhyming. And I allow that compulsive/ impulsive feeling I get to tell me if I should keep working the poem or if it is okay  to walk away from it.

If it sucks...I don't see it as my problem.  If it sounds okay...I don't the credit.

I suppose this "weirdness" happens to a lesser degree  with all I write, even this blog to some extent but  it is much more apparent with poetry  than anything else. (I don't even feel like I can call it "my" poetry. lol) It may be weird...but...it is also so freak in cool to see it happening, to be a part of it. So there it is.


What did it mean?

Now what did that poem mean?  After I read it a few dozen times I see what it is about. It is about ego...this false idea of self we tend to identify with, cling to, do whatever we can to retrieve and protect.  This ego is no more  than a reflection of our minds in the world.

It is not substantial...we cannot pick it up to use it to fill in the empty feeling we have.  It does no good to use the forms around us, either,  be they other people, recognition, success, or material possessions to help us keep and improve that sense of self. It does us no good to grasp, seek and cling to the things of form.  Nothing of form can fill us up, nothing of form lasts.

The image we have of ourselves is so easily disturbed by a mere finger because it is just a ripple of light on the surface of what is.  It is not substantial.  When we realize this as the narrator did we fall to our knees in reverence for who we are.  We are transformed.  We transcend and we become grounded in the a reality that goes much deeper than a surface image (We blossom and become rooted like the flower). We realize we are not the image but the observer of the image and we are set free by that realization. That is awakening.

The references to Narcissus, Echo and Nemesis...as well as the gold and white flower are attributed to  the story of Narcissus which Tolle alluded to in the video and which I was inspired to read more about.

That's the poem and that's the process.

All is well!

Poem In Progress

The Ego's Reflection

Like Narcissus did so curiously, many centuries ago
I look about for who I am.  I simply do not know.
When I glance into the water I am surprised by what I see;
there I find a shiny reflection staring smugly back at me.

"This must be who I am," I utter as I reach in to pick "me" up
but  alas this watery  image, with my hands, I just can't seem to cup.
It slips through my fingers no matter how tightly I hold on.
It drips, slithers  and  trickles away. What am I doing wrong?

Fear then overcomes me. This precious image I do not want to  lose.
So I seek and grasp  at any  form around me that  I can somehow use
to help me retrieve my perfect self from the surface of this lake;
to gather it up  in its shiny  form within me,  to end a desperate  ache.

But no matter what I grab or try to cling to, like the water, it slips through
the space between my fingers and disappears from earthly view.
I can not understand it as my  confusion and  frustration grows
I cry out questions to the Echo, to Nemesis and to anyone that knows.

"Why is it so challenging to hold onto a dense  object made of matter?
And why does this lovely image I look upon break apart and splatter
whenever I dip my fingers beneath the surface the gawking world sees?"
Then I hear the silent  answer from within me and I fall down upon  my knees.
 
What I look upon so longingly, will never be more than a  mere  reflection
always lacking in the depth of being , in sweet stillness and divine perfection.
I am not just a shadow rippling on the surface of this pool of collected rain
I am the Seer, not the seen.  I am the  creator, not the  goddess of the vain.

White and gold petals soon surround the image  marking its glorious rebirth
and the roots of understanding ground the Self I am more deeply into earth. 
Who I am cannot be reflected back for anyone to name, or know or see
and it is with  this eternal knowing that the Observer is finally set free.
 
Dale-Lyn Feb 2020

Decided to put this poem here because  it came out here but it came out patchy.  So I put it down as a work in progress.

Day One (Sunday):

This came out rather quickly...will be back later to finish it up.  :) In a rush...teaching two yoga classes today.

Inspired by Eckhart Tolle video:

Day Two (Monday):

Struggling with this one...don't know why.  Playing with it  more than I normally would.  Still needs more revision.

Why I am showing a work in progress I don't know.  It used to be that I would seldom show anyone anything unless it was revised and edited, revised some more.  But I just felt the compulsion  to work on it in front of you so to speak.  Who knows why.  :)

Day Three (Tuesday):

Third set of tweaks. I can't tell you it is done because I don't know if it is.  A poem, for me, is only done when the internal restlessness in me subsides into nothingness. When I can look at it and feel none of that agitation it is done.  But if I feel an "ughhhhh" or a twisting in my gut  when I read it...I feel I am being pulled right back to it by a demanding bossy muse that says, "Fix that!"  Man I wish this boss would pay me. :)

All good.  Not going back to it right now...just in case this feeling, which is subsiding enough to allow me to walk away lol,, comes back when I look at it.  I will check in with it tomorrow.  All good.

Again Inspiration: Eckhart Tolle 2020 Ego My Life https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5cdb0Hhu-s

Maneuvering Around Ego

 Thinking about another ego is as effective in changing relative perception as is physical interaction.  There could be no better example that the ego is only an idea and not a fact.
ACIM-T-4:II:2:5-6

Ego  

According to the many teachings from A Course in Miracles often echoed in the words of Eckhart Tolle, Ego is said to be the complete identification with form which includes thought, feeling, conviction, body and the circumstances of our life.  It is not the feeling but the experience of being lost in that feeling....to the point we are not aware of feeling.  It is not the thought but the experience of being lost in that thought to the point of not being aware of our thinking. Does that make sense?

I am learning from my review of the lessons in ACIM.  I am seeing what my little me has been doing with this set of circumstances I am going through. It is so cool to be where I am right now in my waking up process...sometimes I am lost in a dream, then I wake up to analyze the dream.  :) Other times...a lot of times... I am lucid and can wake myself up.  That is becoming more and more apparent and I am grateful.

Unconscious Victim

When I look back at what I am thinking, feeling, doing in my unconscious state I see I often take on a victim's status.  I tend to do that and it is confusing me as to why.  I see myself not so much a victim of Life...I do not see theses changes occurring on my body, for example, as reason to feel sorry for myself...but I do erroneously see myself as a victim to other egos. That is where my sense of resistance and struggle and my "attack thoughts' come in.

Ego Alert

Life circumstances, pain, illness or even death does not scare me as much as other people do. My "attack thoughts" involve seeing villains in others and my need to protect or defend myself from them.  My mind often tells me not to trust the intentions of other egos.  That few have my best interests at heart.

I know from viewing my personal history, where that "belief"  comes from but as I evolve I think I should be beyond that.  I am not. When I realize I am not...I often direct those "attack" thoughts against myself. "How can you think that way?  What is wrong with you?  You are so paranoid and that makes you nasty? etc"  I feel shame and  guilt which are powerful weapons the ego uses.

The thing is, the more I listen to my mind, the more I attack myself and others mentally. It is a vicious cycle. Ironically, when I do this the more situations show up where the people I am dealing with are lost in ego.

As I understand "ego" more and recognize it in myself and others...this mistrust of human unconsciousness becomes greater. When I see a person acting  consciously  I trust...when I see a  person dominated by ego, for whatever reason, I automatically mistrust their intentions and fear they could hurt me or others in their unconscious state. It is not that I am meaning to blame people or hurt them and judge them for having egos, especially when I recognize my own. It is more that I am acutely aware, it seems, of unconsciousness in another as I am in myself.

When I do recognize that someone may be carried away by the ego's need to assert itself and be right, I do not judge the entire person...I still attempt to see the inherent goodness...to see evidence of that beautiful neutral space beneath the ego  in all.

I also tend to see myself in them. I am, therefore, in no position to judge.  I do not feel others need to be punished or judged as "bad" for falling unconscious to their ego's intentions...that would be very, very hypocritical of me. It is just as I try so hard to get around my own big fat swollen ego I find myself needing to maneuver myself around the egos of others as well. I am learning how to best do that.

Ego as the Teacher

I need to accept that ego is in me and around me everywhere. Without blaming or judging I need to be aware of it and find a gentle, nonjudgmental way around it. That might be the practical application to these lessons. The reason these people seem to be showing up is to help me with my learning, you think? My learning mission may  be to become aware of ego in me and others  and possibly help others to be aware. Does that make sense?

So, yes, just as I see ego in myself, I see ego in others right now.  More specifically, in one case I see a person with an apparent  need to assert their "righteousness",  taking them away from seeing  clearly the human need in others. It seems to stand in the way of me and others like me getting the help they need. I can see that tendency towards righteousness in others when it manifests because I see it  in me.  You see, I see ego in me so I see it in others;  I see it in others, therefore I see it in me.  That's the way this learning goes.

A need to defend a position, protect the use of resources one feels they are in charge of, the desire to feel more powerful than another (usually so one doesn't feel vulnerable), the need to establish authority and control in decision making  and the need to be right can take a person away from seeing clearly what really needs to be seen and experienced .  It can take them into complete  identification with thought and emotion until reality of a situation fades away. It may make them temporarily unconscious, lost in dream state,  pulled from  the human purpose of discovering who they truly are. This type of ego dominance may serve the ego...giving it the fuel it needs to grow in strength...but it  doesn't serve others and it doesn't serve Self.

Ego's Blind us to Self and Compassion

Most sadly, egos isolate and separate. We cannot be truly compassionate , open and connected to one another if we are dominated by our egos.  We will be too busy protecting this idea of "me", "my" and "mine". We can easily become lost in a conviction of : "It is my job to decide; it is my role, my power; my right.  I know. I am in charge.  This is my stuff and I will decide how it is used and who uses it etc."

Just as I cannot reach beyond this boulder of fear in my psyche which is created by ego to those who need me, when one is lost in the above ego dominated conviction and need to prove they are right, they often can not see beyond their  own egoic agenda to recognize the pain, the suffering, the fear in those they swore to help. The unobserved mind has possibly convinced them that their  agenda, in these selected situations,  is more important than anything else...possibly even more than compassion.

My judging, blaming, condemning this person or persons  and wanting some form of punishment or vengeance  for that is my ego attacking with thought.  I am just as guilty of attack thoughts and if guilt is hell, I put us both in it when I cling to such thinking.

Truth is...I can't change another person  or make them more conscious.  I can only change the way I think about them and this situation. I can put down my attack thoughts.  By doing that I take us both from hell.

And assuming that I am dealing  with an ego that is unconsciously and blindly  standing between me and my desire for wellness, I am faced with  a choice.  I can either attack and go  ego to ego with this person  as I  outwardly and publicly express anger, injustice, and complaint ( which in some way I am doing now...sigh) or I could choose another option that doesn't include the ego. I could choose to respond from the place of peace beneath the ego.

By no means am I saying should we condone any unconscious behaviour that has the potential to harm another  being or us as individuals but we can put away our "attack thoughts" about it. We can remind ourselves that the person, in question,  does not know what they do when they are unconscious.  This slipping into unconsciousness is a very common human tendency we all share until we are evolved.  We too have and or do slip. So how can we judge another for doing so.

In dealing with the ego of another...we do not need to condemn: we do not need to attack; we do not need to defend; and we do not need to create a story of villains and victims either.  We don't condone; we can simply understand. Then we can choose a more peaceful alternative to handling the situation.

I could see peace instead of this. (Lesson 34)

All is well!

ACIM Workbook Lessons 31-40