Coming Here Against the Faithful Servant's Advice

The intuitive  mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.
Albert Einstein


Ahhh!  I am confused again. Why am I here? Why do I keep coming to this page? 

If it is about doing something "productive" and "helpful"  there is a list of things a mile long that I could be doing (many would say, "should" be doing)  instead to help the people I love, to help myself, and inadvertently help the world...

And if it is about some type of "gain" I would probably gain more  external award from doing  anything on that list  than what I am likely to get from being here. Yet I tend to forgo other things to come here.

It is such an important part of my day and I do not understand it completely.  Part of me still likes to understand why I do the things I do and why things in my Life are showing up the way they are.  I am much more "accepting" and "allowing" of the incomprehensible but I still have a very analytical mind.

It is not my rational mind that drags me here every morning. It is my intuitive. 

My rational mind tells me I am no expert in anything.  I am still just learning all the stuff I write here.  Who do I think I am?

My rational mind tells me that this putting myself out there the way I do does not click with this reserved and stoic self I want to project out into the world. Yet here I am...pulled every morning to this chair where I sit and write about things my rational mind still refuses to accept completely. It is uncanny really.

There are some very selfish reasons for being here:

• I like to write...in fact...I need to write.  Writing ( and to a lesser extent speaking)  is how I express this Life experience I have been manifested into.  And for some reason I feel it has to be expressed whether others want it to be or not; whether my rational mind agrees or not.  :)  This site  provides a medium for me.
• I like to teach...teaching is another one of those things that just comes out of me.  I find "joy" in it.  Most importantly, I find learning in it...
• I love to learn .  I am constantly learning and as I learn...I write, than I teach...so that "I" can make sense of the learning. That is how it has always worked for me...so now that I am no longer standing in front of a classroom...this helps "me".
• It is fun and feels purposeful putting a bit of meaning back into my day that I might have been lacking.  I lose all track of time while I am here.  I am in the moment!
• And the meaningless issues I am struggling with when I come here, disappear. Or at the very least I can put those issues into perspective  as I write...which is healing.  So though this blog may not be healing to others...it is healing for me.
• I truly do want to share something that I believe could be a benefit to someone else.  I have seemingly lost so much over the last decade or so: heath, career, loved ones to death,  relationships, money, financial security, so many things etc etc...and because of that I have gained more than I ever thought possible to gain.  I have gained an understanding that I want to share with te world...so people do not have to lose a lot before they understand too.

I am sure there is some not so healthy "ego" reasons for being here too:

• I have this "helping" thing I do that allows me to create and maintain an image of myself that compensates for my perceived inadequacies. (I believe a good 80 % of the nurses I know...have this in them). So part of me wants to be seen as a "helper" so I can keep that image nice and shiny, especially since I had to give up my RN title before "ego' was ready to do so.
• There is still a small part of me that wants recognition for doing something "good", for being somewhat talented, for being liked and appreciated .  And though this site does not register followers and haphazardly tells me how many readers I get a day, which can be anywhere from 3- 100 plus...and even though I am writing about things I know  could be even considered offensive to strong belief systems that differ from my own...I still get that hope that I will get that recognition here. It is almost a bit pathetic...lol...well that is how "Shamer Ego' describes it as.  I want to be beyond that pettiness and it pains me a bit when I realize I am not.  I definitely do not want that to be my guiding motivation for coming here.  I feel a little relieved when I reflect that I still happily write along when reader numbers are close to 0.  Rational mind shakes its head.
• It distracts me from the outside world that seems to be so demanding at times.  It is an escape...and I can run  into this blog so I don't have to deal with all the other things calling for my attention.
• It is a good excuse for my "writer's block".  I have not been working on my novel...but I can say at the end of the day that I did get a word count in...I did write even if it wasn't what I intended to write.
• It is something "I do"....I am still not 100% comfortable with just being and feel I need to do something everyday.  I do this. Rational mind agrees with this one.

Regardless of why I come here I know I am going to keep coming.  I am going to keep writing, teaching and learning.

What does that make me?  Crazier than a bag of hammers for coming here to spit this new  understanding and awareness out all over the page?  Is so...so be it!

I just know that I probably couldn't stop if I tried. Intuitive mind is a gift that pulls me here and rational mind can do nothing but obey as a somewhat reluctant but  faithful servant.

All is well.