Truth Telling

Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.
-James E. Faust

I wrote this yesterday and realized that I have assumed a moral superiority here.  I have assumed a position of being "right" which thus makes another "wrong".  I am doing the same thing I am accusing someone else of doing...getting lost in a sense of being right and doing what is believed to be  right at all costs, even if it harms another.  I was pointing a finger at an unconscious person when I for a moment was unconscious too.  I was reminded today that "the world can not change unless this pattern changes".(Eckhart Tolle)  As a society we need to get to the point when we no longer feel the need to judge anyone or anything. I was judging.

I am going to review this entry and the story it refers to and see if I can catch the judgments and ego's sly presence sneaking in.

Critique

So I had an overwhelming compulsion yesterday to put my waiting story down here. (getting caught up in a story to justify experience, takes me from the here and now) I don't know why but I spent hours going through the information I had documented to sum my experience  up in a long winded entry .  I tried to do so as objectively as possible but emotion came out.  I realize I am  worried not just about what this might be but about someone else's agenda getting in the way of me finding out. (any time we try to figure out someone else's motivation we are lost in ego)  I am suspicious and mistrusting and that adds another dynamic to this altogether.(These are definitely ego emotions.  The truly evolved person sees no need to be suspicious...they trust Source..."Nothing real can be threatened.")

There could be nothing...absolutely nothing... of concern going on in my body.  It could likely all be chucked up to a few aging changes. I just want someone to tell me that. (That is a perfectly reasonable request).   I would also like to be able to find away to minimize the pain experience...I can handle pain so much better when I know what is causing it. (Though I do have pain and discomfort, I have interjected this here for the purpose of creating an image for myself and readers of me as a "martyr")  That leads me to believe maybe there is a need for some outside intervention and therefore a diagnosis even if it isn't anything serious. So I am not going to beat myself up for agreeing to get the tests done that I had done.

I also do not want, at this point, to get caught up in the "Why is this delay in diagnosis  happening to me?" Truth is, it is just happening and not just to me...it is likely happening to others. It may be so obviously nothing to the experts who view my test results , explaining the delays. (This is valuable interjection, bringing me for a moment away from ego and back to the  truth that I do not understand what is happening in the life situation.)

There may be no outside agendas.  Maybe, I am being paranoid and misreading the situation ( though my gut is strongly telling me I am not).   I guess I just want to know it is nothing and if I am being paranoid.(Again...more honest reflection. Truth is...I don't know!)

If it is serious, I want to know that too. Four months is a long time to wait for a serious diagnosis.  I will have to do something to protect other women from experiencing the same delay if it turns out to be. (This is obviously an ego attempt to create an image of moral superiority to justify my own buying into the defense and attack thing. Speaking truth is about creating awareness, not allies and enemies.  In true awareness there is no need for such.)Of course, I probably won't feel like doing anything but taking care of the situation at hand if that turns out to be the case. Putting  the story down here now will allow me to do some hopefully helpful  truth telling when the time comes. (I say through this truth telling  I am angry for other women and feel the need to protect them which is only partially true...this is just another way ego's need for vengeance gets rationalized)  As of now the truth (my version of it) is just a click of the finger away.

 I also  have to ensure I am doing so for the right reasons and not as an act of vengeance. ( I did realize that yesterday.)  Sometimes anger, blame  and a need to make someone pay is used as way to distract from actually feeling the pain of grief. (True) I don't want to do that either. So I write it down now before I know what the diagnosis is.

It is all good.  Bear with me.  I will get back on track with what is truly important in a bit.