It Just Is

When the ego weeps for what it has lost, the spirit rejoices for what it has gained.
-Sufi Proverb

91 days and 13 weeks since my symptoms began. 

I slept poorly last night because of the pain (discomfort), which is finding a home in my underarm now as well as the usual places. Pain in my left lower quadrant ironically started again about three weeks ago too. That also wakes me up.    I don't know why that has started again...I have not had it for over ten months...Unless there is a hormonal fluctuation going on because of all this or as the cause of all this.  The body is bloated and uncomfortable as a result of that as well. Then on top of that the ticker is acting up. I can literally hear a very slow and pathetic  clicking in my ear from the mitral valve  whenever I get quiet...it is like a dripping faucet that won't stop until one does something about it.  The point is...the body is talking and it is doing so loudly.

How Does My Mind Respond?

Rational mind hears it.  It wants to know what the heck is going on. It is putting the pieces together in some logical sequence. If I listen to it, it will drag  me down a dark and scary road while  it recites a list of things that should have been done months ago to take care of this.

Intuitive mind, on the other hand, simply says, "Shhh! Quiet now.  It is what it is.  Don't listen to the surface mental messages that come about...but the deeper ones. Don't go back...don't skip forward into some imagined reality.  Just be here now. Just know...that everything that shows up in Life, does so for a reason. And it is all good. "

To which I answer in my calm and peaceful way, "Huh???? WTF(ront door)?Are you nuts???? [By the way...I know that "front door" does not fit there but I really do not want to swear lol]

Strangely Okay?

Seriously, I am strangely okay with everything.  I am okay with the pain, both the familiar and the unfamiliar.  It truly is not so  bad I can't stand it.  Most times, I am okay with not having a plausible answer yet.  I am also surprisingly okay with the possibility of what this might be. Though the waiting on this and the "unnecessary"  delays in testing have been very frustrating and angry making at times to my ego, when I bring myself out of rational mind and ego's need to be a victim, I am okay with that too.

It Just Is

It just is.  There really is no need in getting caught up in "It shouldn't be this way? How could this be happening? Why me?"  It is not just happening "to me' as some form of sabotage.  It is happening to others too. It just is happening. It just is.

React or Allow ?

That doesn't mean that I sit back and do nothing.  I did take part in inspired actions on the way to this moment.    I went to appointments. I asked for help and accepted it when it came. I made calls when there seemed to be delays that my rational mind  could not explain as being reasonable. I did take action but....I didn't react!!!

I didn't react and that is why I am okay with this.  I didn't get lost in the mental commentary and the "what ifs". I didn't get absorbed into the frustration and the anger nor did I drown in the fear.  Oh, I know I slipped many times over teh last 13 weeks  finding myself face down in one of ego's gutters but I got myself up again and again and went back to that place where ego can't go. 

This thing I have been dealing with over the last three months has been challenging in ego terms and in  terms the rational mind can understand but what a wonderful, wonderful opportunity it has given me to wake up a little more.  When I simply allow it to be as it is without struggle or resistance, a wonderful healing place opens up inside of me.

So regardless if this proves to be something very life altering or not, I have no control over that, I am truly grateful for where Life is taking me.

All is well.