100 Days of Waiting

100 Days

100 days and over 14 weeks since my symptoms began.
100 days of wondering,
100 days of worry,
100 days of knowing something is going on in my body,
100 days of wanting others to tell me what is going on in my body
100 days of diagnosing myself,
100 days of seeking validation outside myself
100 days of minimizing the possibility,
100 days of maximizing the possibility,
100 days of accepting either possibility,
100 days of "what if"ing the Life right out of me,
100 days of  Life reminding me what it is
100 days of getting lost in some future in my head
I00 days of reminding myself, all there is is now,
100 days of being convinced that I can handle this,
100 days of doubting that I can,
100 days of getting beyond worry only  to slip back into worry again,
100 days of slips,
100 days of picking myself up from the mess my mind wants to leave me in,
100 days of getting by,
100 days of losing myself in numbing activity (thank God for Netflix),
100 days of finding myself in quiet stillness, in presence, in now
100 days of not knowing,
100 days of settling into this and accepting the not knowing,
100 days of learning to find peace,
100 days of failing miserably,
100 days of gratitude for this wonderful opportunity to learn,
100 days of feeling forced into a class I wasn't ready to take
100 days of honoring the teacher,
100 days of wanting to throw my books at the teacher,
100 days of lying to those I love when they ask how I am,
100 days of forcing a smile,
100 days of pouring it all out on the page to people I have never met
100 days of frustration and confusion,
100 days of finding peace in the confusion
100 days of tossing back and forth at night,
100 days of being  bloody tired and falling asleep during the day,
100 days of reminding myself that I am not my body,
100 days of sinking with every ache or twinge or pain,
100 days of telling myself I am taking this on for another,
100 days of wanting someone to take this on for me,
100 days of cursing those who made me wait,
100 days of cursing  myself for cursing them,
100 days of forgiving others for their unconsciousness,
100 days of forgiving myself for mine,
100 days of wanting the waiting to end,
100 days of being terrified that it will.

Dale-Lyn, Feb. 2020

Sigh!  I am not sure why the hundred day marker of my wait has hit me so hard.  I don't know why I am counting the days.  I guess, it all seems so surreal that a person had to wait this long with this worry.  Every day marks another degree of incredulousness. It is also quite impressive that a not yet evolved  person can wait that long without completely losing it lol. Every day I wait and am still able to come here, is evidence of my healing at the deeper level.  

I obviously spent those 100 days dancing back and forth between ego and Self in my coping. As you can tell by my entries on this internal struggle beginning on November 22nd 2019 (11 days after the symptoms began)  it has been challenging. Thank God I had those moments in Self awareness or I would have been a lot worse off. 

I am grateful that this is happening at this point in my life where  I am actively seeking to be more conscious. I am beginning to see clearly and understand things differently.  I am sure in the long run, regardless of what this turns out to be, this circumstance will prove to be a catalyst in my awakening. For that I am grateful.

I do want the wait  to end...the part of me that is not evolved yet (including my body itself) is taking a beating from this wait.  It really is.  At the same time I am terrified of having to face what this might mean in the long run once the wait is over.  Self isn't afraid...but "little me" is

I feel guilty that I didn't make better use of this time.  Maybe the wait itself was a gift, you know?  Maybe it was an opportunity to get everything in order, to cross off some things on my bucket list, spend precious quality time with my loved ones while I am not heavily burdened down with an actual  knowing of something I would rather not know?  I didn't make use of that time.  I spent those 100 days just trying to get by.  Sigh!

Even if this turns out to be absolutely nothing, as it could, it will be hard to accept that I spent almost four months of my life in this mental struggle between Self and ego when I could have been living fully and openly.  Maybe we can all learn from that.

Don't wait until you have a 100 day wait like this to do your learning, okay? Live your life now!  Get out of your head and open up to all that is ! It is all so wonderful!

All is well!