Arrow Suffering

Fear is not created by situations but by unconscious mind activity.
Eckhart Tolle

Do you believe that?  I do.  I believe that suffering is not created by our situations...our so called challenges or adversity but by what the  mind does with those things.  Do we react or do we  respond to the challenges life presents us with? Do  we build story and drama around them...so that we are lost in that mental presentation of what is or do we simply allow what is to be in our moment?


First Arrow = Pain; Second Arrow=  Suffering

I am reminded of the parable of the second arrow ( which I think others, including myself,  have erroneously elaborated on to include a third arrow).  In the  teaching using this parable, a question is asked to the student.  Something like, "If you were to get struck with an arrow, would it hurt?" 

To which the student would reply, something to the effect, "Of course!"

Then they would be asked, "Would it hurt even more to be struck by the a second arrow in that same spot?"  

And the student would likely respond, 'Yes, Of course!...It would probably hurt ten times more because the wound is still tender from the first arrow.  And on top of that, the original  wound would never heal. "

Finally  the wise teacher would ask, in an attempt to get the student to reflect on the reality of suffering, "Then why do you keep piercing yourself with the second arrow?"

Wounding Over Wounding

We may have an experience of a painful life event...a violent attack, the loss of our wallet, an accident, a cutting remark made by another about us.  We feel pain.  We label the situation as ''painful" or in some cases even "traumatic" .  We experience  the first arrow.  Now this arrow does not necessarily cause suffering.  It causes pain and discomfort in the moment that we experience it. It is also seldom something we have any control over.  It happened to us.

The real  suffering comes when we pierce ourselves in that same tender spot with the second arrow...a mental arrow ...full of story, blame, guilt, anger, shame, fear that it will happen again, defense , attack, hanging on, self loathing  etc etc etc .  We intensify the pain in that tender spot and we keep reopening the wound so it never heals with our mental activity. Does that sound like a healthy thing to do?

We have control with this arrow.  It is a self inflicted wounding over a wounding . It makes the pain ten times worse. This is suffering.

Looking At the Second Arrow

Now we do not have control over the first arrow but we definitely have control over the second.  How?

• We first must wake up and see what we are doing when we get struck by primary arrows.  Do we tend to respond to it by removing the arrow or do we react to it by piercing ourselves again and again in the same spot?
• Are we creating story and narration around the pain? Drama?
• Are we blaming and seeking to make the shooter pay, even if we are the shooter?
• Are we blaming ourselves for being in the line of fire?
• Are we staying stuck in our head, pondering the why's and how's of the pain instead of just allowing it to be and pass through us?
• Do we keep reopening the primary wound by our refusal to forgive and let go?
• Are we giving into Fear?

Poison Arrow

There is another Buddhist parable about being struck by a poison arrow. This story was based on Buddha's teaching that we need to end suffering before we understand all the metaphysical laws of Karma and suffering. It can also be used in reference to the second arrow.

The teacher may ask, "If you were struck by a poison arrow, what would be the best thing to do?  Get help in getting it removed right away?  Or refuse to accept help in removing it until you knew who shot the arrow, why they shot the arrow, how they shot the arrow, what kind of a bow they used, where they came from, who their parent's were. etc?   And to continue refusing to have it removed  until the "guilty party" and the crime was thoroughly identified, analyzed,  judged, caught and punished in some way?" 

Hopefully the student would say, "Get help in removing the arrow right away."  That does make sense doesn't it?  Yet most of us will decide instead to hold onto the poison and the pain. We are too busy, in our unconscious states,  inflicting ourselves with second arrows.  We seem to be more concerned with answering all those questions and making others ( and self) pay  for our pain than we are about doing   what is practical and sensible. We choose suffering.

Hmmm! Something to think about.

Eckhart Tolle (April, 2020) Awakening Through Adversity. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUzC9CrTpoo

Swami Sukhabohananda (Nov, 2019) Buddha & The Second Arrow. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJgmPyIqu_A

Hard Core Zen (May, 2019) The Poison Arrow Parable Revised http://hardcorezen.info/the-poison-arrow-parable-revised/6325

Just to let you know...I cannot get into my  Facebook page or Facebook messenger...I am getting notifications that there are messages waiting for me...but atlas...I cannot access them.

Looking, waiting, judging not

Out of the chaos, the future emerges in harmony and beauty.
-Emma Goldman (political anarchist and writer of the early 1900's).

I opened the door to my kitchen today and stood on the sill, closed my eyes and listened.  It was raining...hard...a glorious downfall of percussion on a thirsty earth.  Man...I love that sound.

Once again, I was reminded how wonderful it was to experience all this...living. The world did not look threatening even with the dark cloud cover...it looked perfectly harmonious in its stormy chaos.

 I was reminded of my writing the other day about this experience of a storm brewing in me...it seemed like synchronicity again to stand where I was standing experiencing  a storm on the outside while one was brewing on the inside.  It gave me hope reminding me of the healing, rejuvenating cleansing such a storm provides.  And then  when I sat down, opened up YouTube for my talk of the day ... there was Eckhart Tolle talking about order and chaos...the first video that shows up. Lovely serendipity.

Anyway...it was refreshing to be reminded that whatever is about to take place in me, and arise in me that feels like a restless storm about to brew, has a purpose like this storm does. What seems chaotic is actually order at the highest level creating harmony in the long run.

We do not have to fear the world,  others, circumstances for seemingly pouring disorder into our lives.  We can stand by, like I did this morning, and simply do as forgiveness does look, wait and judge not as chaos reveals itself as perfect divine harmony.

All is well

Eckhart Tolle (April, 2020 ) The Hidden Harmony Beyond Order and Chaos. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsGSBybe31g

The Encouragement of Light

How did the rose ever open its heart and give to this world all is beauty? It felt the encouragement of light against its being, otherwise we all remain too frightened.
Hafiz- https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7892436-how-did-the-rose-ever-open-its-heart-and-give

I heard this lovely quote today when I was listening to Tara Brach talk about fear. I thought it was so beautiful I looked it up and copied it.  My bad, I suppose for stealing her quotation idea but atlas...beautiful words, like art, are meant to be shared, are they not?

The Cocoon

Right now...I am looking for the "Encouragement of Light" to guide me further in my journey.   The restless ness I wrote about yesterday was pointing a finger at my way of living right now.  On honest reflection, I realize I am "enduring"...I am trying to subdue and supress a fear of what will happen next, what will be taken from me next, who will hurt me next  and seeking to control the outward experiences that may create more fear inducing situations,  by isolating myself more and more inside this little cocoon I built lol. 

Don't get me wrong...it is a lovely, comforting little cocoon.  I wake up every morning to the people I love and the solitude and rush free moments I cherish.  On top of that I am surrounded by trees and wildlife.  I also get to greet and care for seven furry creatures all at once (my childhood dream [and my parents' nightmare ' lol...I was always bringing home strays] lived). And I embrace my meditation and my soul learning with a passion unlike anything else I ever have.  I come here and the words just come, followed by the learning  and it  is like cleansing water coming from a mountain spring.   I am so, so appreciative of this cocoon experience.

On the Edge of the Comfort Zone

Yet, the restlessness comes to walk me, move me, to the edge of my comfort zone and as Tara Brach describes it, the "You are about to grow" alarms go off. They frighten me and I have this intense desire to retreat back, again and again.

 I see it as being at the fringe of another very big growth spurt and I am afraid...because it means facing the uncomfortable, things I cannot control, taking a risk of other things happening, more things being taken away and others possibly judging me, rejecting me or hurting me because of it. It also means facing my past pain.  Hmmm!

It would be so easy to stay here, draw the curtains around myself.  It would be much easier to  convince myself that I really do not want or need wings...they only have superficial aesthetic value and I am beyond all that lol than it would be to go to the edge of this comfort zone, shake the gook off these things I have been given and jump.  As soon as I get to the edge fear asks ..."What if they don't work...what if you can't fly? What if there is nothing more than this out there or worse? Can you handle more pain?  "

So what I am looking for is a certain light to encourage me....a reason for jumping.  I know this pull to wake up is stronger than anything I have ever felt...so I will go in that direction.  I have no choice.  It would be easier, however,  if I felt like Life was supporting me, not punishing me.  I do know that is irrational but fear has a way of collecting past evidence and convincing us otherwise. I have had enough  circumstantial evidence over the last 50 years to convince me that the best option is to just learn to "suck it up, buttercup....and protect yourself accordingly."

 As long as we see ourselves bound by these body lines...we are going to feel fear and as long as we see fear as a destructive and powerful  thing...the more we will attempt to avoid it.)

The Impersonal  Nature of Fear

Yet I am not separate am I?  You are not separate, are you? And my fear is your fear because fear is not, as Tara Brach teaches,  personal.  Fear is just fear, "the fear" shared by humanity.

Hmm...so though it feels uncomfortable standing on this edge and looking down into the darkness. it is okay.  The light I am seeking is inside me, as is the light inside you.  We can do this.  Heck that is what we are here for...is it not?

I am not sure what I am here to do but wake up...And I guess that means writing and sharing  my learning which may offer a bit...just a speckle of light to someone else...and by doing that, my own light grows to encourage me to take the leap.  Hmmm!

Still don't know what that is going to look like or feel like lol  and I guess I do not need to know. It is okay to feel afraid.   I can take that fear with me as I jump.  Then  I just need to flap my wings and glide when I hit that flow of breeze that will take me to where I am meant to be....to that beautiful open rose, maybe.

(Oh my...I feel another poem coming lol)

All is well. 

Tara Brach (Feb, 2020 ) Tara Brach on Facing Fear (Part 1)-Awakening Your Fearless Heart. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B78qfuQ8kVE

Lessons Continued: Part II: What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness....is still and quietly does nothing. It offends no aspect of reality, nor seeks to twist it to appearances it likes.  It merely looks, and waits, and judges not.
ACIM workbook , page 401

Part Two asks a question in each section and offers ten subsequent lessons to help us understand the answer.

The first question asked is what is forgiveness. The introductory section explains that sin is just illusion and forgiving someone is just recognizing that what they did or didn't do was just an illusion.  It is a suspension of blame and judgment.

Lesson 221: Peace to my mind.  Let all my thoughts be still.
In this lesson we wait with all our brothers in quiet  for God to speak to us as One universal conscious mind.

Lesson 222: God is with me. I live and move in Him.

In this lesson we are reminded that God is everything we need...the Source of all Life and we go to him in prayer with only His name on our lips.

Lesson 223: God is my life.  I have no life but His.

Here we are reminded we are not separate but One with God and everything.  We pray to  see our goodness as parts of God, rather than our sins.

Lesson 224: God is my Father, and He love His Son

Our true identity is as children of God.  We pray to be reminded of who we really are.

Lesson 225: God is my Father, and His son loves him

Another reminder of our Oneness. We pray to God in return of the Love shown to us.

Lesson 226: My home awaits me.  I will hasten there.

We are reminded that we can go home to God, to peace by simply changing our minds and perceptions of the world we see.  We pray to God with this knowing.

Lesson 227: This is my holy instant to release.

We can go home today...this very moment by waking up from this dream we are in.  We recognize and pray to God in this recognition that everything we thought existed apart from God was merely illusion. We are free when we realize this.

Lesson 228: God has condemned me not.  No more do I.

Here we pray and realize that God knows who we are more than we know who we are.  He sees our goodness even though we may not. We can stop beating ourselves up.  We pray that we see as He does.

Lesson 229: Love, which created me, is what I am.

Love is the identity we seek and we pray to God with gratitude for keeping that identity untouched

Lesson 230: Now will I seek and find the peace of God.

We were created in peace and we remain in peace. So we pray as we seek that peace that is ours, that Self.

ACIM (2007) A Course in Miracles. combined Volume (Workbook). Foundations of Inner Peace: Mill Valley

Lessons 201-220; The End of Part I

Let me not wander from the way of peace, for I am lost on other roads than this.
-ACIM Workbook; Lesson 220


Finally...getting back to the Lessons from ACIM

Lesson 201-220 are review lessons  structured around the  core idea, I am not a body.  I am free.  For I am still as God created me.

• We are formless, shared formlessness, temporarily in what appears as a separate  form.
•   Though this understanding we see that we see we are all united by this one formlessness and in order to go home to this place on which our form temporarily emerges we just have to be still, call on God's name (pray) and realize that  we are a part of God. 
• As parts of God we are holy, can bless and be blessed,
• And we can discover the  peace, Love and joy of God  is within ourselves. 
• We have a function...to learn what God wants us to learn through the moments of this existence and to trust in this divine essence within us. 
• The lesson we are to learn is the love that unifies us all.
• The only way to have true peace is through God

All is well.

ACIM (2007) A Course in Miracles; Combined Volume (Workbook). Foundations for Inner Peace: Mill Valley

Understanding Restlessness

"The basic "isness" quality of the  emotions, the fundamental nature of the emotions, is just energy. And if one is able to relate with the energy, then the energies have no conflict with you. They become a natural process."
-Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche from:  Pema Chodron's How to Meditate pg 77

Feeling Restless?

I have been having the experience of an underlying "unpleasant" feeling over the last few days.  It actually became subtly noticeable  maybe a month ago...but because it seemed to be underneath a lot of other experiences both pleasant and unpleasant, as well as neutral...I didn't pay much heed to it.  It, however,  became more and more determined to be felt as the days went on ...and today I realize that that experience is "restlessness." I feel restless. 

I am sure it is an experience many of you are familiar with, though you may have your own unique way of experiencing it.  I feel restlessness as a tightness in my gut, shoulders and jaw as if energy is all bunched up against the doors there, waiting for them to open so it can run freely else where.  I feel it in my hands that are constantly reaching, grasping, tapping or gesturing.  I feel it in my limbs and notice that my knee is constantly bouncing and my foot is constantly moving when I sit. The body, as a whole, doesn't want to sit still and either does the mind.  Meditation is challenging...focusing on one thing is challenging and my thoughts are all over the place.  This is my experience of restlessness.

Pleasant, unpleasant or neutral?

Now it is not necessarily that restlessness in itself is "unpleasant"  but there appears to be an energy motivating it, driving it that is perceived/ felt as  dark and heavy, threatening...that is what I experience as unpleasant.  My past memories of this feeling tell me there is something brewing that "I soon need to do"...something "I soon need to face" ..and/or "something I soon need to change".  That something is usually  judged as unpleasant???


What is Restlessness?

Well the word says it all, does it not?  It is an experience of less rest.  Actually I would describe it as the inability to settle and rest into the present  moment because  one anticipates the moment is about to change into something we may not be able to control.  We are therefore preparing self  for action.

What Motivates Restlessness?

I would often get this restless feeling on the verge of the resurfacing of a trauma memory,  long ago supressed; or when there was something that my mind told me needed to get done and I had put off doing it long enough; or there was something in my life that wasn't healthy for me or others and I needed to face it and then make a change.  So as the feeling becomes noticeable, I also recognize this underlying current of heavy energy and the "need" for action of some kind. 

Sigh!!! There is a tad bit of "dread" with this experience of restlessness.  If I described it as a weather pattern, I would describe it as a dark, heavy cloud cover, the air thick with a storm that is about to erupt.

A Reason For It

At the same time, I dread it...I know the storm needs to erupt.  Past memory also tells me that I usually feel refreshed, cleansed and renewed after the down pour is over. Once I am somewhat prepared for the storm and I let go to it, I evolve a little more. The sense of restlessness comes with trying to make sure no damage is done when the storm hits.  It is like a mental and physical preparation of being ready to run to the windows to shut them all  at the first drop of rain or change in the wind. HMMM!

I am not sure yet what is motivating this energy and I know better to start digging in to dark closets with a fearful, reactive mind.  I know if some awareness needs to resurface for me to look at it...it is best to wait until it comes to me.

Responding to Restlessness

The actions we may  need to take in the meantime, in "response" to this restlessness :

• We need to be skillful ...and beneficial to self and others.  We must make it a point not to react in a way that harms self or others.
• So we begin by stopping, as I have done, to recognize that it is restlessness that is coming to  awareness.  Because of the nature of restlessness, it is understandable maybe that at this point we cannot "sit with it" to deepen that awareness.
• We need to gently deny the tendency to want to avoid the feeling and where it is leading us. Don't run from the restlessness, as I often attempt to do, into numbing activities like consumption , busy work,  unskilful action.(that which hurts self or others)
• We need to accept the restlessness and allow it, knowing it is here for a higher reason.
• We honor the feeling and embrace the feeling in the way it wants to be honored and embraced...with movement. We can move consciously , allowing the restlessness to move through those body doors it is trapped behind: mindful walking, running, dancing, yoga...maybe something like vinyasa that allows for flow and release, Tai Chi etc
• We do not force or demand  the causative factors to come to the surface of our awareness.  Just trust that they will come when it is time.
• We stay in this moment with the restlessness as it is.
• We breathe!  That is so important.  We continue to anchor to teh present moment with breath.  Restless bodies need more fresh oxygen than those that are still.
• We respond to the message the restlessness is bringing us from a calm, clear mind...made that way by the above steps.
• We therefore send appreciation and kindness to the restlessness for taking us to this point of a new awareness.
• We trust that we will be cleansed and renewed by the experience. And from there led to the right action

Hmmm!  Well that is the way I see it after listening to these wise teachers speak. This is my limited understanding and interpretation only.  For better understanding, go to the experts below.

All is well!

Tara Brach (2020 )  Healing Addiction: Deconditioning the Hungry Ghosts. https://www.tarabrach.com/healing-addiction/

Pema Chodron (2013) How to Meditate. Boulder: Sounds True

Plum Village ( January, 2019) Recognizing Feelings/ Sr. Tu Nghiem. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTaXeLpjsg8

Plum Village (July, 2020) The Noble Eight Fold Path # 4-The Practice of Right Action/ Br. Phap Hai https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noIrt9UklQ0

Eckhart Tolle (April, 2020 )  Confidence and the Source of True  Satisfaction. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wD5BpD77-UM

You need to breathe with emotion.  You don't breathe it away.
Pema Chodron How to Meditate

I woke up this morning thinking about my propensity towards negative thinking.  For the most part...I seem pretty positive ...I really do not complain that often though I do complain enough to make keeping this bracelet on one wrist a bit of a challenge.  Of course, others will tell me when they see me switching wrists, "That's not a complaint!".  I respond by explaining that to me it is...there is still a hint of negativity under the surface of my words.  

Going From Negativity to Confidence

Maybe like me, you too want so desperately to get beyond that and have complete faith and confidence in Self and Life, to feel that "power at the depth of who you are"? To be positive in your thinking and your manifesting.  ( Eckhart Tolle)

What holds us back from feeling that?

Of course, what is true for me may not be true for you.  I do have this core belief that I get stuck on that "bad things are going to continue to happen" and when things seem to be going right, "they will not last" .

Is that negative?

It sounds so negative...yet this is based on absolute truth, is it not?  What we call "bad things"...those that bring "unpleasant" feelings are going to come and go through the remainder of our years....and I don't care who you are.  The things that bring pleasant feelings will not last either....no matter how we try to cling to them.  So this core belief ...based on the  reality of life...that makes us label ourselves as pessimistic, can not be the source of our suffering, can it?  

Hmmm...maybe the source of our suffering is not so much that we accept this truth as our reality but that we beat ourselves up for accepting it.

Huh?

Beating Ourselves Up

"I should be more positive."  "What is wrong with me, why do I think bad things are going to keep happening?" "why am I not full of hope?"  "I am creating these bad things with my negative thinking...I better stop the thinking now before I  make things worse."

I know I think these thoughts and I don't have "pleasant" feelings when I think them. I fear and feel somehow bizarrely responsible for every bit of suffering I experience and that those around me are experiencing ...like I am doing it all with my thinking and believing therefore manifesting that unpleasant feelings will come, pleasant feelings will go. Yet I am only thinking the truth.

I judge myself as "wrong", "weak", "to blame" for suffering when I am not "pollyannish" . I look about my life and see all the  "challenging situations" that keep showing up as proof of my negativity  and inability to be more positive.   I have taken the things I learned about the law of attraction, and turned it against myself.  I know this isn't healthy.

Acceptance: the opposite of Desiring to MANIFEST?

So to compensate...I will often go in the complete opposite direction...I will stop wanting, stop desiring those things I believe will bring pleasant feelings and prepare myself to accept and endure the unpleasant. I don't live in the beauty of the present moment because I am in survival mode, preparing and waiting for it to get even more difficult by building up my peace with what is muscles.

The Peace With What Is Muscles

And we all should be building those  muscles, don't get me wrong,  but we also need to focus on all the beauty and blessing and life in this moment...not just on waiting to deal with things when they go wrong.  We also have to be okay with wanting more.  To desire may be the foundation of craving but it is also the  foundation for Living. Without desire, which can be translated from Latin to mean "away from our star" we would never seek awakening.

Of course...our seeking may be misguided toward grasping for substitutes rather than the real thing we want which is connection to Source...and this is addiction...but to desire to be happy and joyful and for   the things  or circumstances we are quite sure will bring it to us in a healthy, non destructive way is okay...in fact ...it is necessary.  We need to desire in order to evolve.

I was happy to discover today that I have misunderstood both the Law of Attraction and the Buddhist teaching on acceptance. It is okay to accept what is and it is okay to want more. I just have to find a happy medium...a "middle way" between them both maybe. ( but I really don't know lol...just have to reflect and meditate on this a bit more.)

All is well!

Tara Brach ( )Healing Addiction: Deconditioning the Hungry Ghosts.

Eckhart Tolle ( ) Confidence and the Source of True Satisfaction

I can't get into global right now to finish the citation.

Pleasant, Unpleasant or Neutral?

 All of the tears I have cried, have become the rain.
-Thich Nhat Hanh

Is what you are feeling right now pleasant, unpleasant or neutral?

Say what???

Many of us are kind of aware we don't feel good when we don't feel good and we will usually almost automatically go right up into our mind when we feel "bad" and pace about   its many hallways  as we question, "What is wrong?"  "What do I call this feeling, how do I  label it and categorize it?" "Who or what is responsible?"  And most importantly "How do I stop it or make it go away?"   We will go to the past and dig up old related  memory or we will skip ahead into the future to the "what if" and "when" scenarios. We create story and drama.

In this trance like state of being in our heads, we may  go to the fridge and open it up  as we stare inside pondering, "Okay what can I put inside me that will make me feel better?"  Or we will go to the liquor cabinet or light up.  Maybe we will go to social media on our devices just to ensure we feel even worse than we already do or to  the TV and turn on Netflix for a good long binge.

When we do this, we are anywhere but here in this moment experiencing this feeling.

Instead of Resisting, Pause, Simplify and Allow

What if we didn't have to do all that?  What if we didn't have to name the emotion or the causative factor right away?  What if we could simply determine if it was a pleasant thing we were experiencing, an unpleasant or a neutral?  Wouldn't that make our lives so much easier?

Instead of saying, "I am feeling happy and blissful and excited right now and it is because of this, or that and I am going to do everything I can to make this experience last"...creating narration around the experience...we could simply just say " In this moment, I recognize a pleasant feeling. I don't know how long it will last or where it came from and it doesn't matter.  I accept that right now I am experiencing a pleasant feeling."

Instead of saying, "I am feeling grief  over this, that and the other thing.  I am feeling angry because or frustrated because...and I am going to do everything I can to push this feeling away, to numb it, ignore it, distract from it" we could simply say, "I recognize an unpleasant feeling .  I don't know how long it will last and where it came from at this point and it doesn't matter.  I accept that right now I am experiencing an unpleasant feeling."

Instead of saying, " I am feeling like "nothing much is happening here....and maybe I need to make this moment into something better " ...we can say, "I recognize a neutral feeling. I don't know how long it will last and where it came from at this point and it doesn't matter. I accept that right now I am experiencing a neutral feeling. "

That may only be a first step to dealing with our feelings but it is an important first step.  Instead of jumping ahead into story and drama we pause to simply determine whether what we are feeling in this very moment is pleasant, unpleasant or neutral.

So what if it is pleasant?

If what we are experiencing right now is pleasant we can recognize it as such, allow it, embrace it, be grateful for it, look deeply into it to determine what about this situation is making it a pleasant one.  But what we do not want to do, is attempt to cling to it or the circumstances we feel are the cause of it and tell ourselves we need to do whatever we can so it doesn't go away.  All feelings, like all form, are subject to comings and goings.  Appreciate it now!  That's it.

What if it is a neutral feeling?

We can actually transform our neutral feelings into pleasant ones by pausing...and allowing ourselves to experience this neutrality without story or narration.  Just feel what you feel...Pause, recognize, allow , embrace and then look deeply , if you feel the need, at the cause of this neutrality without needing to make it anything but what it is right now.  In this moment...it simply is. Maybe with clarity you will be inspired to change some form of your outer experience in the next moment...but it all begins with accepting this moment as it is.

What is it is unpleasant feeling?

We can transform our unpleasant feelings into pleasant ones too.  First pause and recognize that you are experiencing an unpleasant feeling.  Resist the urge to go into your head and analyze it right away...leave that for a later step, if at all. Don't run from it.  Don't numb from it or try to distract from it. Simply accept the unpleasant feeling as a part of your moment without narration, without story, without needing , at this point, to know the  cause of it, without judgement and blame of self and others. Recognize how you are feeling with a simple, "This feels  unpleasant", and  allow it.  Then relax into it with breath, resting, possibly moving the body in a way that encourages the flow of this energy through it: walking, dancing, yoga or Tai Chi for example. Then, when you are calm, relaxed and accepting of the feeling with a degree of compassion, shine the light of mindfulness on it...embrace it calmly, compassionately and courageously  before  looking deeply on it with clarity  to determine the cause.

The most important thing is to stay with the moment as it is.

As we do this, like all feelings and all things of form, " This too shall pass."  The unpleasant feeling will eventually be transformed to a pleasant one of peace that comes with accepting Life as it is.

All is well.

Plum Village ( January, 2020) Recognizing Feelings/ dharma Talk with Sr. Tu Nghiem https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTaXeLpjsg8

Honoring the Calling to Speak About Aging

There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honor your calling.  It is why you were born.  And how you become most truly alive.
-Oprah Winfrey

I woke up yesterday morning and had this deep, in the gut, compulsion to do a video.  I wasn't sure why; wasn't sure what I would say or do; wasn't sure who I would address it to...I just had this compulsion to reach out to someone somewhere  from that deeper place within me. 

Ego was nasty, as it often is when I have these notions to step up and speak out ...to expose myself in anyway that threatens it. It gets embarrassed and attempts to shame me into submission with things like, "Are you crazy?  Well they are going to think you are crazy...Who do you think you are, anyway?  As if you have anything "wise" to share when you are as mixed up as you obviously are? You are really going to do that...write that, perform that, say that , create that...for other people to see???? Come on, crazy lady, get a grip."

I hear ego and some of it really seeps in...but I follow that pull in my gut and I do it anyway.  I am here , aren't I?  Though ego perks up on days I have a fairly large readership or positive comments, for the  most part it resists most of the things I do these days . Yet, even with that resistance is this deeper feeling that I should just be as open and as honest as I can be...to let whatever this is that is pushing me here to do Its  thing...not necessarily 'my' thing. Crazy, I know. But here I am.

So I put this on my yoga page and I put it here.  Imperfect and real, it simply is.

All is well!

Getting Older

If you're not getting older, your dead.
Tom Petty


I turn 57 today.  When I say "57" out loud it leaves a strange taste in my mouth.  57 seems so old but I am not old lol. 

My body may have weathered 57 winters and 57 summers, changing and morphing accordingly but I haven't .  My body may be getting closer to the grave but I am not. 

My mind has also weathered seasons and situations, changing and evolving but I haven't.  Who I am, I now feel more so than know,  is eternal and changeless as it peers out through these two sockets on my head and uses this tool of a mind to get about.  I am as I always was.  Hmmm!

As I realize that truth, I don't look on this particular birthday as anything to celebrate or to mourn. It is a date, a marker of my surviving another 365 amazing, miraculous days on this planet, in this form, using this mind. There is nothing personal or special about it! There is a lot to appreciate every day, every moment by everyone.

That being said, I found myself over the course of the last week feeling sad and "stressed".  There is a restlessness in me today that is preventing me, at the moment, from sitting with my feelings.  Of course, I need to sit with the restlessness and make peace with that first  but isn't that an oxymoron in itself?  I will figure it out lol.

Without having to look too deeply, I have an idea what it is stemming from .  Physically...sleep dep is slowly starting to wrap its tentacles around my day.  I am not complaining or resisting that.  It is what it is. I can honestly say...so far...my transitional symptoms are not as life altering as I was told they would be. But yes...I wake up several times a night in a sweat and I seem to be dreaming more than usual. Quality of sleep is definitely altered.

My dreams are talking loudly to me though and showing me what the issues are.   I am dreaming about repressed trauma, things I barely remembered or never really dealt with. This physical change and the spiritual/psychological one I am presently going through  is leading to an unpeeling of many protective layers of wrapping around this changeless, eternal Self.  Memories and repressed pain is being exposed and that is not a bad thing. There is an opening there for this trauma to be recognized, and expressed so that I can peel back the layer it exists on, to expose more and more of who I really am.  I am getting there.

I am restless right now because ego mind is telling me to do what it always tells me to do when I feel the un-ease or dis-ease of resurfacing emotions: "Run!"  (run or numb, or avoid, escape, hide, stuff, push away) and I am not going to do that.  :) I will sit and deal with whatever comes up as it comes up...
and it starts with recognizing, allowing and embracing that restlessness in a self loving and nurturing way.

It is all so very good.

"They Belong Not To You."

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
Kahlil Gibran...https://poets.org/poem/children-1

I have not had an elastic no-complaint reminder on my wrist for a week or so.  Today I was offered a choice of one of my daughter's bracelets she bought for herself. I was drawn to a simple bead bracelet with a tassle. 

Reminded By The Tassle: "No Mud; No Blossom"

The tassle, in Buddhism, is a reminder of the lotus and this mantra, "No mud: no blossom. "   This bracelet reminds me not only to monitor my thoughts and to do my best to change my complaint habit but it is a reminder of where I am going,  where I really, really want to be. No...not in the mud wrestling pit... but on the other side of the transformational doorway of perceived suffering. Hmmm!

Adjusting To a New Way of Seeing

I am realizing lately how strange that sounds to others and even to myself when I say it out loud.  It is like I am speaking about seeking something few seek knowingly yet I know it is something we all seek whether we know it or not. Confusing? Anyway, when I see how much my thinking has changed over the last little bit I get blown away by the transformation that has  already taken place in my thinking.

Grandmother?

For example, I was telling someone about how I was feeling about being a grandmother.  I was saying I have no personalized attachment to this beautiful baby girl. There is no "Me, My and Mine" attached to her in my mind. There is no "pride" or "glory", so to speak. And the word "grandmother" to me is just a word.  I am aware the  genes that form this body have been passed on to another generation and I find that amazing...you know.  I love watching my son and the baby's mother relate as a little family with such love, hope and excitement.  I love holding her and rocking her and singing to her (unlike my children...she cannot tell me to stop singing lol).  I think about the things I hope to be able to teach her and I look forward to getting to know her...to see what she will become .

Yet...I know she isn't "mine" . 

Even when I call her "My granddaughter" it doesn't feel right.  She isn't "mine" in any way, shape or form. She doesn't belong to anyone...not even her parents ( of course, I do not tell them that lol).  She belongs to Life.  She is a beautiful, new expression of Life, of God.  I can't put a" my" on that. So what the heck, does it mean to be a grandmother then?

I had told my son...that I will be a stable, dependable figure in  the background of her life...always ready to step up when I am  needed. I want to spend regular time with her...whatever they feel comfortable with, to love her, and to help out in anyway I can....but I am not demanding anything because of this "role".  I will not be in their faces while they adjust to this new life as a family and I am not going to assert that "my rights" as a grandmother get met.  What "rights?"

Strange Perspective?

As I was trying to explain that to someone yesterday....I noticed the polite pauses and confusion in their response.  There was  a   brief  moment of fear in their reply that I might be  so depressed I was depersonalizing etc. I also noticed that it sounded so strange to me, in that part of my mind where the "conditioning" still reins.  I thought, "Oh My God...what is wrong with me? I shouldn't be thinking like this. "

Then I had to remind myself...I am not the same person I was ten, or even five, years ago.  I no longer  look out upon the world in the way I am socially expected to. I have let go of so much of my need for attachment to others and things.  I guess I am different in my thinking and my Life goals.  I am therefore maybe not what people want and expect me to be. I don't quite fit in anymore, if I ever did.  And there are so few people around that would understand my new perspectives and ways of approaching relationships and life.  I will likely be the "odd ball hippy "Nana.  I can live with that.

As I look down at my wrist, I think to myself...yeah I can live with the way I see things now and maybe, I will be able to teach her a few things about how I see life. Maybe, I can teach her that it is okay to feel pain and emotion and that, in fact,  we can learn a great many things from suffering. At least, maybe, I can teach her how our thinking can impact our lives so she learns to go 21 days without complaining with ease.  Hmmm!

We will have to wait and see what Life has in store for us.

All is well.

The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious- the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science.

-Albert Einstein

"Hole in the Soul"

Our efforts in pursuit of substitutes preoccupy and distract our attention enough to shield us from the raw sensation of feeling unloved or unworthy.
Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance,  pg 138

Oh my, oh my lol.  I don't know how it happens or why it happens, it just does. By that I mean, I don't know why the learning shows up in my life the way it does, why those poems plop out of me onto the page, why my life circumstances are the way they are....why I am pulled here every single day when there are a thousand other things I could be doing in that hour or so that I am here.  Sigh!!!  All I know for sure, in some deep part of my being, is that it is  all connected by a force I cannot even begin to understand fully with this little mind of mine, let alone put on paper in a way others could understand. It is just beyond "me". That in itself is so amazing.

Synchronicity

After I wrote...excuse me...after that poem came out of me yesterday (I reworked it a bit)...I was reminded that rehab is soon over for a loved one, a perfect example of a "hungry ghost",  suffering from addiction. 

I found myself yesterday fretting and worrying about what will happen next. Only five weeks in a program that he expressed "did no good" was not enough rehab. I worry about him.  Are we going to just slip back into those same patterns of living? I worry about others who have been or could be impacted by his choices and I worry about myself.  I don't like being on hyper alert all the time, questioning, doubting, wondering, assuming, protecting myself and others.  It is draining not to trust.  And I feel guilty...so, so guilty... for not trusting , for judging and assuming the worst just so I stay ahead of it in my desire to protect him, others and myself. It isn't fun dealing with such extreme addiction!

To continue on the choo-choo train of synchronicity ...what video do I tap into today from Tara Brach but one on Desire and addiction...which fit perfectly with the poem and the situation we are facing. Is that just another weird coincidence? lol.

The Delicate Fringe of Addiction

I know I am not alone here. Many, if not all of you,  have touched the delicate fringe of addiction in yourself or a loved one, have you not?  In fact, I believe, as I said many times before, we are all addictions waiting to happen. It is in the nature of our unconscious un-evolved minds to grasp and cling and this is addiction is not?

Addiction is Addiction

I am not addicted to "the dangerous" substances per say but, oh my goodness, I know I easily could be if I wasn't careful about what I put into my body. 

I am addicted to tea.  I have 2-3 cups in the morning with the same tea bag or diffuser.  Seems innocent enough, right? Visit me some morning when I realize I have run out of orange pekoe...not so innocent lol.  I would be miserable and make everyone in my life miserable without my morning tea. I also like sugar, which Christiane Northrup teaches, is the like poison for menopausal women like myself but  I still  seem to be powerless to my craving for  sweets.

The Physiology of Addiction

These are addictions most of us joke about without realizing that the  same thing that drives these is often the same thing that drives the gambler to the machines and the heroin addict to the needle. In all forms of addiction we are seeking a dopamine fix from a brain that has been rewired by stress to become chronically deficient in that neurotransmitter. ( Tara Brach)

Dopamine is our pleasure center.  Without my fix of caffeine in the morning, my day is not pleasurable and I am not pleasurable to be around.  My good old fashioned limbic system loves me enough ...in its strange...poor parenting way...to want me to be happy.  The only problem is...the more I depend on substances or activity to get a dopamine charge...the more deficient I become in it...and the more and more I need of this external whatever to put a "Good Morning" smile on my face. Not only that, that part of my brain that controls my impulses becomes less active, the more 'I use' and thus I lose my ability to restrain myself from not pouring that cup in the morning.

The Psychology of Addiction

Psychologically speaking what makes us more likely to develop addictions is our need to fill in internal holes..."holes in the soul" that come from unmet needs, usually but not always in childhood and to "numb" or check out from the pain of our truths. We are looking for substitutes to the nurturing, belonging and love our souls are telling us we need, that we didn't get enough of. These unmet needs lead to a certain "stress response in the  body and mind"...a sense that something isn't right with us.  So we seek to soothe ourselves with something that makes everything alright if even for a short time.

So I drink my tea and get my sugar fix.  Maybe you work 60 hour weeks or cling to a need to make more and more money. Maybe someone you love smokes or overeats. Others may drink excessively to the point it interferes with family life or other social obligations. Some may not be able to get though the day without smoking marijuana or something stronger. Regardless of what the substance or activity, addiction is addiction....psychological or physical or both.

Socially Sanctioned Addictions Vs. Non-Sanctioned

What is different, is how society judges our drugs of choice. Like I said, people would laugh and say "Oh you are so silly" if I told them I was addicted to tea and sugar. ...or even if I was an overeater or excessive exerciser.  It 's all still cool. Now that pot is legal and our youth are convinced that "it isn't addictive"  we see an increase in the "420" population.  It is socially okay to get stoned everyday.   Drinking is okay as long as we don't break the law and get behind a wheel and are up in time to go to work. And working beyond the average hours /week and a desire to achieve more and more  ...society applauds that.

What isn't okay is those behaviours that society doesn't sanction as acceptable. Say if I overeat to the point I gain an extra 250 lbs...does society see that as okay? If I drink too much and show myself in places where drinking isn't the norm...I become a "drunk". If I have a sex addiction and act upon it, "I am a whore.".  If I do illicit drugs...I am a "junkie" and therefore a "liar" and a "thief". I am a "danger to the moral fibers of the society" I am in.  I am judged and condemned by others as unacceptable, deficient etc. Now if society is judging me, how do you think I will judge myself? Even more harshly.

Condemnation from society and self, Tara Brach teaches,  becomes the biggest problem for many addicts.

The Vicious Cycle

Let's look at the cycle of non sanctioned addictions.  The "innocent" and divinely perfect individual gets wounded and has certain needs for safety and belonging, love unrequited. This leads to a stress response and an internal sense that there is something wrong with self.  Dopamine is drained from the brain. The wounded soul with unmet need seeks to soothe itself in some way and discovers an activity or substance that increases dopamine in the brain temporarily and helps to numb them from the pain of not being enough. They go to it again and again and it becomes a habit.   Dopamine becomes more and more deficient and  the prefrontal cortex becomes less active.  The person loses their ability to restrain themselves from the impulsive grasping for that substance or activity.  They are labelled as "addicts". Society steps in and judges them and condemns them for their addictions and wants them "off the streets" because of their dangerous behaviours. They are in a sense "shunned" from mainstream. The external condemnation becomes an even deeper internal condemnation.  The individual labelled as an addict begins to hate and condemn self.  This increases their sense of stress and deficiency, that" hole in the soul" seems to grow.  They seek to repair it, fill it with the thing they are addicted to again and again but sadly more and more is required.

A Hard Look Inside Myself

I feel when I look at the individuals I love who are suffering from such non-sanctioned  conditions that I have been harsh in my own judgment and condemnation. Part of me did not fully recognize their choices as an "illness" but as a weakness they could learn to control if they really wanted to.  In my mind I was stuck on the theory of choices that they were responsible for owning and fixing. Not only that...there was always an "us" and a "them" when I referred to addicts.  I recognize that we are all addicts in one way or another but I drew a line in the sand between those of us who were addicted in socially sanctioned ways and those who were addicted in socially condemnable ways. Addiction is addiction!

Forgiveness is Required

And what do we all need but forgiveness, compassion and love.  I need to offer more compassion and empathy to my loved ones who suffer so,  not my judgement and fear. I need to encourage them to forgive themselves, to see their own inherent goodness beneath the mess addiction has made.  And that could begin by me seeing and saying, "It is not your fault!"

Hmmm!  I also have to forgive myself for my judgment and condemnation.  I take responsibility for my behaviour as I would expect those with addictions to do but we cannot be responsible if we are contracted with guilt.

A truly responsible heart is an open one. And  an open heart is a forgiven heart. The first step then to healing from addiction is opening the heart.  The heart can only be opened with forgiveness and loving kindness.

All is well.

Tara Brach (2003) Radical Acceptance. New York: Bantam

Tara Brach (March 2020 ) Sheltering in Love- Desire and Addiction. [Part Two] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u--mnOOMUiQ

The Feast

Another bout of serendipity or what Carl Jung called synchronicity has led  to the creation of this poem.

The Feast

My strange looking brothers are gathered together
around the long, expansive table,
eyeing and drooling over the reams of food stuff  on it .
I take my seat before the main dishes 
 expertly cooked to perfection.
The spices and rich sauces send whiffs
of savory sweetness through the air,
 and the many pastries and pies  tantalize  the fingertips  
with their delicate flaking shells.
I can't help myself . I grasp.

Though it seems that each inch of the table
is covered in some delicacy
my companions  call out to the bone weary servants,
who bring platter after platter in to us.
"More!  More!  More!" they  shout 
as they  bang and clang  cutlery against the solid wood
hidden beneath the fine, crisp, white linen,  
making the servers  frantically run about
to bring us more.
The  table just gets longer and longer
with each entrée we are offered.

I hear my hoarse and constricted voice
among the many calling out my orders,
and reprimanding those winded waifs  
who do not scurry fast enough.
I slap away the trembling hands
that plop dishes down in front of me
that are not to my liking.
I am hungry, like the many dining with me...
so very hungry.
I can not get enough. I want more.

"Bring me more!!!" ,
my demanding echoes compete with the others. 
I feel the rumblings of my craving within me,
threatening to expose all that lay beneath it
in tightly wrapped containers I stuffed away long ago.
My grief, my fear, feelings of not being enough
unravel  inside me,
eating away at my internal flesh,
leaving craters and deep ulcerating voids.
And I try so desperately to push it all down
and keep it down 
by digging my spoon into the plates before me....
to fill the growling emptiness within my core once and for all.
But atlas my belly continues to growl
and my cries for more are not being answered fast enough.

I look around the table at my  ugly and deformed dinner companions.
 I can see why they are still complaining of their hunger
despite how much they have before them.
The silver spoons  they hold to their mouths are too big
for the pin sized opening that is there.
Nothing can enter and even if it did no food stuff would be able to
pass down their grotesquely long and much too slender  throats.
In some cruel twist of fate, they are not equipped to swallow.
Their huge and swollen bellies receive only air
with each bite they attempt to take.
I can understand  why they are so hungry.

But what about me?  I am not like them.
Why can I not fill the gaps within me
when there is so much before me?

Reluctantly, I lift the eyes I have held down too long 
to the mirror that gleams and shines
on the wall behind my brothers' disgusting forms
and see a shadow of myself staring back.
I gasp in horror.

The mouth that once opened  so easily
in a  big and awkward smile for others
has been shrivelled  to a dot by cries for "Me, my and mine"
as I learned to  focus only on
defending and protecting my earthly form.
The throat that was once full  and wide enough
to accommodate  my laughter
has been constricted to  a slender tube
by  talk of not enough and a need for more.
My resistance to  what is
has whooshed me away from my moment
and led me here to this table of ghostly forms  
with unquenchable desire.
I run my hand along my belly to feel
it bloated and hard with my longing.
I too am now a  ghost like figure
that will never  get enough from the feast
provided to satiate my hunger.
Desire will always be my prison...

"Why?" I call out to those still ignorant of their deformities. 
They ignore me as they continue
to  dig and dig into the plates they can not eat 
and I listen why they cry out for more and more to no avail.
I point to the mirror with my own trembling hand,
the thick blueberry from the pie I could not eat dripping from it.
"Look!" I cry but they do not look up from their busy doing. 
They are too intent on their striving to notice what they have become.

I close my eyes and pull my chair away from the unsatisfying feast
that causes so much suffering. 
I place a hand on my throat. 
I may not be able to swallow, I tell myself, but I can breathe.
I breathe in, knowing that I am able to breathe in.
I breathe out, knowing that I can still breathe out.
In that breath I  find the  true island of refuge within me,  
that removes me from this  greedy feast.
I feel the Life force moving through me, filling me  and healing me.
The air that fills me is enough.  I have enough. I need no more.
I allow it to enter me, to cleanse me and to open me.

Breath goes to my craving and desire
and brings it to my heart to be held and embraced.
It goes to each of those packages of memory and emotion I have stuffed away
and opens them, slowly, gently,one by one,
bringing them to my heart to be held and embraced.
With each thing I hold, each breath I take,  my heart gets bigger.

I then look about at all the servants scurrying about ,
I ask for their forgiveness.
I look at my reflection, my brothers and all beings
and I hold them awkwardly in my ever growing heart.
The  "Me, my  and mine " of my  imprisonment slips away
and my mouth is widened once again into a peaceful smile.
The need for more is replaced with a feeling of enough
and my throat expands  in laughter once again.
My longing gives way to Love
and my belly shrinks to a healthy size
filled in a way it never was before.

I stand up and excuse myself.
I am freed and with me,
so is each of my dining companions.
The unforgiving hunger is finally over.

Dale-Lyn (July, 2020)

Very, very rough!  Among other things that serendipitously came to my attention all at once, this was inspired by the below video.  All is well!

Plum Village ( Nov 2019) Dharma Talk by Sister Dang Nghiem . https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3Ogs3oA6Kg

Crossing the Bridge from Longing to Belonging

Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly.
Let it cut you more deep.
Let it ferment and season you as few humans
and even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
has made my eyes so soft,
my voice so tender,
my need for God absolutely clear.

Hafiz from https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/495676-don-t-surrender-your-loneliness-so-quickly-let-it-cut-you

Note:

I debated working the below poem.  I see the glaring imperfection in it and being that it did not come out in a blurp of inspired urging but just from reading my last entry...I thought it was a poem I could work.  But, right now I am not going to lol.  It is what it is.

I do notice something pretty cool though.  When I write something and go back the next day to check my stats and readership, I notice that similar entries are being pulled from the archives.  Hmmm! Whether that is coincidence or purposeful is irrelevant...still cool lol.

Somehow, somehow...it brings me to the topic of today's entry.

Loneliness

I tapped into another great video from Tara Brach this morning on loneliness, that feeling we are separate and cut off from the world, each other and ourselves.  Painful! But this experience, I learned, is actually a biological aversion to motivate us to seek that connectedness that makes us who we really are.  I shouldn't say "seek' as if it is something we need to find for the first time.  I should say "remember" because that Oneness, that connection is always there. We just forget it in those moments we feel lonely.

The "Story" of Loneliness

The problem isn't so much the feeling we get when we find ourselves "alone" but it is what we tend to do with it.  We allow our anxiety to increase.  People who admit to feeling lonely are often anxious.  Well if we are biologically designed to be in a pack and we find ourselves outside of one ...whether that is a perceived or actual occurrence...we are going to be hyper-vigalent about the dangers out there because we feel extra vulnerable  without the pack's protection.  So loneliness focus increases our anxiety

A perception and  self perpetuated "story" about our loneliness  also decreases our motivation and desire to look after ourselves. Why bother exercising , staying slim, shaving our legs if no one is going to see us right?

Most sadly we tend to fall into spirals of shame when we tell ourselves stories about our loneliness.  "There must be something wrong with me if I am lonely or not belonging to the pack." A poet quoted in the video said  that loneliness is "an embarrassment  of poverty" .  hmmm.

Loneliness = Vulnerability and Exposure

So I guess loneliness reminds us of our vulnerability and we do not like being vulnerable and exposed, do we?  What we tend to do is try to cover that up with layers of numbing, distracting, achieving, redeeming etc. We take false refuge in whatever we can to avoid that feeling.

 What we fail to realize is that vulnerable place loneliness exposes...is the very place from which we can heal. It allows us to connect with Self in a much deeper and meaningful way if...if we allow the loneliness to "cut more deeply" through us to reveal the "sacred longing" that exists in all of us. 

Loneliness Can Lead Us Home

If we were willing to simply sit with our loneliness instead of running from it; if we were to gently and patiently call it forth to us as if it were a frightened feral child ( our frightened inner child) and embrace it softly...the unpleasantness of it, the judgment of it, the story line surrounding it would disappear. (Spirio, video below) and our healing would begin.  This healing is a return to Love and a recognition that we do belong in a way we could not see before.

Hmm! Something to think about!

Tara Brach (April, 2020) Sheltering in Love Part V- Loneliness as a Portal to Sacred Presence ( part 1) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_V__PzcXhA

Rupert Spira ( July 17, 2020) Exploring Vedanta and Tantric Approaches to Emotions https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykqA6aBqopw.

Old Neighbour

Old Neighbour

I catch a glimpse of an old neighbour,
someone who I only see
in  vague  and random memories
or the odd foggy dream snippet at night.

He looks different than I remember,
 once thick and wavy hair thinning at the top
but I know it is him.

 I watch him from across the parking lot
converse with the blue over-alled mechanic
who  dots his forehead with the black stained rag
he holds in one matching hand,
in between the bouts of laughter the two share.

A certain sadness falls  over me
as I scrunch down into the seat of my SUV, 
and realize how the  decades have unceremoniously  
folded over us,
changing and distancing...

Yet ,I know within his form,
now wider and shorter
than my stubborn mind will allow me to accept,
is the same lean, freckled faced boy
who lived next door to me,
who laughed and challenged life in a way few ever did ,
and to whom I pledged my undying love
when we were  seven.   

In me is still the skinny,
half toothless,  
messy- haired little girl,
who loved everyone and everything
with reckless freedom
and who danced and danced and danced,
to his raspy a capella,  
spinning in big  beautiful joy filled circles
under a perfect summer sky...
before ever  learning what fear was. 

Dale-Lyn  July, 2020

I am not going to write today...well at least not now or here.  I am going to pull out one of my bigger projects and have a go at that.  Why? 

I caught glimpse of an old neighbour today, someone who appears in both of the books I am presently writing and I realized, with a certain sadness, how the decades have folded over us, changing and distancing...Yet I know within his form is the same freckled face boy who lived next door to me, who laughed and challenged life in a way few ever did and to whom I pledged my heart when I was seven.   In me is still the skinny, half toothless  little girl who loved everyone and everything as she danced and danced and danced in joy before  learning what fear was.  Hmmm!  Yeah...I have to tell our story.

All is well!

The Flow of Life

When we look at nature, doing nothing makes way more sense than we think.
-Einzelganger

I have listened to three videos that I seemed to have coincidentally come upon  today.  Was it a random grouping?  I think not.  Each video spoke to something I had on my mind...this idea of doing or thinking our way into a better life..."striving" as it was referred to in Wayne Dyer's video.

The flow of Life Vs Striving

Now I know there is nothing wrong with action and nothing wrong with thinking as long as we are not so attached to these two things that we identify ourselves by them and thus fail to let go to the Flow of Life.

Each of the videos addressed, in some form, the human tendency and  need to control, manipulate, work hard, focus on out come, push, be hard or rigid etc in an attempt to meet our goals and live an idea of life we think we should be living. We identify as form and use form to diminish the dissatisfaction and sense of lack of fulfillment such identification causes. We are, as a result, often swimming against the current rather than just going with it.

We need to let go of our resistance and let go to the flow:

That which offers no resistance
overcomes the hardest substances
That which offers no resistance
can enter where there is no space.
translation of Tao Te Ching/ Einzelganger

When we do this amazing things can happen.

What is the Flow?

The flow is the way, the Tao...that formless force that exists within us all that is eternal and nameless. A balance between action and nonaction; between acute anxiety and boredom. This force is beyond thinking, worry ...is gentle and fluid like water and is as powerful as water against the rigid and the hard.  When we flow with this force rather than against it, as we tend to do  when we attempt to control life or nature to meet the needs of form...we flow in the path of least resistance.  Athletes refer to it as "being in the zone". Things become easier. When we flow against this force...things are harder than they have to be and we tend to get farther and farther away from what we want.

We automatically slip into this flow when we realize who we are beneath the form and live from there and act from there.

This God realization or living from our spiritual, formless nature means we can overcome the hardness and rigidity of form and can go anywhere even into those tight closed off places of fear and despair that we develop in our minds and hearts.

Hmmm...something to think about.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. Henry David Thoreau from Walden https://socratic.org/questions/where-is-this-quote-from-go-confidently-in-the-direction-of-your-dreams-live-the

Eckhart Tolle (July 7,2020)  the Beginning of Awakening and Essential Identity. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_o2iOavxYI

Einzelganger (August 2019) Taoism-the  Philosophy of Flow https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtGtqmC5wU4

Just Motivation-June 2020 Dr Wayne Dyer's Life Advise will Leave You Speechless. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIl2gCrSGnA

Understanding the Stressed Mind

This is a perfect universe.  There is no stress in it, only people thinking stressful thoughts.
-Wayne Dyer

Norman Vincent Peale's The Power of Positive Thinking may have been the  first self help book I ever picked up in the beginning of my search for a better understanding of how thought impacts our lives, but Wayne Dyer soon became my go-to. I have or read almost everyone of his books and meditation tapes, CD's etc I have even seen him in person. Ya... he was ( and is) a big influence on my life. I am very grateful for all he taught me and countless others. It was nice to tap into a little video of his teachings today as I ponder this idea of thought and how it influences our lives.

The Prison of the Mind

I see people I love suffering so much in self imposed prisons of the mind, weighed down by the heavy shackles of depression and anxiety and I feel so helpless. (When I say "self-imposed" I am not saying they are purposefully doing this to themselves...they are just so wrapped up in the habit of their pain[understandably] they do not see and even  actively resist that there is a way out.) I want to help but "I don't know" how.

Shot Down Suggestions

I offer suggestions, when they cry, "What do I do with all this emotion in order to feel better?" and the suggestions  get shot down before my sentences are even completed. " Yoga?"  "Meditate?" "Simple Mindfulness practice?"  "Body scanning?" "Read this , read that?"  "Breath awareness?" "Allow and accept the emotions?" "PMR?" "Exercise...just move teh body?" "Walks in the woods?" "Journal?" "Meditate?"  "Chart and reconstruct your thinking?" "Pray?" "Put it all on a canvas?"(one of my loved ones is an artist)"Ask for help?"  "Be kind to yourself and to your feelings....remove the judgment and the story?" "Gratitude journal...just find two things you are grateful for everyday and think about them, dwell in them for a moment or two?" "Do something or think something  positive for someone else?"  "Get out into a different environment for a few minutes once a week?" "Meditate?"  "Work on this BPD journal and this workbook I bought you?" " Sense awareness for present moment focusing?" "Dance it off to music for 10-20 minutes each day? "Meditate?"  "Do the opposite of what you feel like doing....known in DBT as "opposite action"? "Meditate?"  You probably notice that I offer the meditation suggestion quite often lol.  The resistance to that is sooo great right now.

Resistance: Emotional Mind Has the Reins

I get shot down again and again...even though I am just answering the  question. I realize that at the moment the question is asked...a part of them ( that old resistant ego/pain body) doesn't want solutions.  Sure the inner part of them wants freedom from the pain...but the habit mind takes over so quickly and automatically. The "emotional mind" is given the reins and after trampling all over "rational mind" it heads off into the deepest yuckiest place because it has become familiar. The pain seems to hide in itself, finding comfort there. It doesn't want to be exposed to light again.  (Well of course, "I don't know" anything...just assuming.) I would really like to understand this "resistance" element better because I see that as the real source of the problem??? hmmm.

Anyway...I feel so heavy and helpless after meeting up with this resistance (which can become quite sharp and aggressive) that I have to go and do many of those things on my solution list in order to cope with my own emotions in a compassionate and self loving way. And they help me...they really do.  These solutions work for me but that doesn't mean they will work for others.

When Rational Mind climbs Back On

To my loved ones credit...Eventually, if I wait patiently, I will see them doing things I had suggested previously .  They call me, when rational or wise  mind takes back the reins and they are no longer  wrapped in emotional mind, and tell me that I was right...that the suggestion they resisted so long is or does make them feel better. And I see them trying...doing the work of getting better, making progress.  I sigh in relief ,  until emotional mind is given the reins again...and off they go galloping by, calling out behind them as they pass me, "What do I do?"

And I will answer, between each slap of the reins, "Meditate?" "Yoga?" "Mindfulness practice?"....

Sigh...what else can I do?

I guess...on my part it is all about trust, trusting what Wayne Dyer refers to as the "essence of the universe",  which is cooperation and harmony.  Eventually, the sufferer may find a balance between these parts of the mind...cooperation and harmony, and thus a little peace and joy will follow.

All is well.

Just Motivation ( June 2020) Dr. Wayne Dyer's Life Advice Will Leave You Speechless...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIl2gCrSGnA

Freedom Through Light

 Freedom Through Light
 
In the darkness that seems to wrap around your eyes and ears  like a canvas covering,
filling your mouth with its prickly threads and making it hard to breathe,

 in the chains and shackles that rattle and chafe against your tender exposed flesh,

in your unsuccessful attempts to swat away  that which buzzes around annoyingly,
sometimes painfully stinging and creating large bumps of swollen suffering in your psyche,

and in your restless squirming and cringing as the memories of what you did or didn't do
remind you with their hissing reprimands why you are where you are. ...
remember the light.
 

Remember that within you, beneath your imprisoned and tortured form, is a light.

It is not like the light they shine unmercifully in your face when they ask their many questions.
It does not burn, it does not blind, it does not make you sweat.

It is a gentle beam that can not be found in noise, or speech or activity,
only in silence...
and despite how much you fear right now, this is the perfect place for you to find it.

So take your breath...breathe in deeply and notice the silent pause as your belly expands
against the restraint you are strapped within,

notice the stillness of your being ,
then breathe out , feeling your belly soften and your bruised and battered self relax.

In this silence, in this stillness, feel the warm embers like tiny fingers within your heart opening up and reaching out.

Watch with internal eyes as the light,  the once clenched fist  releases,  emerges and shines so softly,
yet so clearly, on your state of imprisonment,
like slithers of precious sunlight through a darkened canopy, exposing all.

Then wait, within the pause between  each breath
and each tick of the old  clock on the wall behind you
as this light  becomes a beautiful saber of powerful energy,
slicing through your shackles and restraints
and burning away the covering that blurs and muffles your senses.

Look about this well lit space and see where you really are, and where you have always been;

see your captors as your smiling brother, as yourself
and your prison as your welcoming home.

Trust that this light of clarity and wisdom will always be there to set you free.

Dale-Lyn July 2020


Inspired By:

Plum Village ( July 24, 2016) Behaviour and Wisdom-Summer Retreat-2016- Thay Bhap Dang
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HJhVCwIwME

and the suffering I witness daily in those who suffer from depression and hopelessness.