Hand in the Jar

 The monkey who doesn't care what is in the jar won't get caught.

Michael A. Singer 

I was so inspired by Michael Singer's talk today that this came out of me while I was listening. Again...not judging the poetry, just trying to appreciate what was brought up from the  depths of me through a zap of inspiration.  There is a wisdom inside all of us and sometimes all it takes is someone "out there" sharing their wisdom to trigger our own. (Well, it is One library of wisdom we all share and it often takes another to get us to utilize that service).  Michael A. Singer does that for the Self I am beneath this cover of "me". 

The Ring In the Jar

I was attracted to the sparkling  diamond set in  its golden bling,

so I slid my fingers down   into the jar to grab the shiny ring.

And as I held it in my palm,  my heart beat and lept with glee.

This wanted thing, I was so sure, would fulfill my needy me.

 I wrapped my fingers around it,  holding on with all my might

and with clenched fist began to pull it out the hole that suddenly was too tight.

I fought and struggled so determined to free and wear what I had won,

to show off my conquest,  my winner's  status, to each and everyone

I pulled and  twisted and pulled and twisted again and again and again

but no matter how hard I tried   with desperate breath, it was only when

I relaxed my fingers and let the cherished thing fall from my weary hold

sadly  watching  as I let go of hope, the sparkling diamond and the gold, 

that my hand was able to slide out from the jar and once again be free.

Choosing freedom over holding on to wanting, I knew, meant a letting go of me. 

© Dale-Lyn, April, 2023

Michael A. Singer ( April 30, 2023) Freeing Your Consciousness From the Limited Bubble Of Your Mind. https://tou.org/talks/

Waking Up to Truth

 Truth is exact correspondence with reality.

Yogananda

I often wake up in the middle of the night with some very clear thoughts in my head...more like instruction as to what I am to remember to write down the following day.  And it is always about my practice lately. I know it is important teaching I am receiving as I lay there and I am very grateful for the insight , even if I might not understand what it means or why I am to remember it at the time. So I tell myself...oh I will remember that and it if it is general information... I will remember it.  Sometimes , however, it is like a line of poetry or a beautifully written phrase on a chalk board, that I am to remember ...and I recite it and recite it and recite it in my head convinced that I couldn't forget something so beautiful and I get up in the  morning and I forget...sigh.  I need a notebook by my bed. Hope there isn't another "Paradise Lost" waiting to be written through me lol.  I don't know how Milton did it. (Of course, I am not comparing myself to Milton...it was a joke),

Anyway, I woke up to this:  When confronting the phenomena of  life...First, Know! Know if you are reacting or responding to what is and why?  What kind of an effect is it having on you, in terms of  pleasant, unpleasant or neutral? Are you judging it as good or bad; right or wrong; should be or shouldn't be? Why? What samskara is it triggering?  Know that this phenomena is just that phenomena...something passing through.  Know that Self is okay with all of it and if there is a problem with it is just your "little me" doing the complaining and that you don't have  to listen to your little me.

 Second, Feel it. Feel the emotions and sensations of  the phenomena as it passes through, as well as the feeling of the reaction of response you might be having .  We need to get out of the head to do that...to make it a feeling response we need to be free of the interference of thought and story.  Where in your body are you feeling it? Can you briefly, without detail, name the emotion you are experiencing...focus more on what that emotion feels like, than describing it or analyzing it. 

Finally, Experience! Allow yourself to just experience it all ...fully and completely. That experiencing is done without words or doing.  It is done by simply being. 

Hmm!  Well that is what came to me. Could just be my mind reacting to all the studying I have been doing, prepping me for some big exam that is coming up :) Still...when it tells me to write it down, I do.

All is well. 

Blossoming Into Okayness

 By letting go of what is not making you okay, you will be okay.

Michael A. Singer

I am looking outside at the little tree in front of my window and my heart opens with a certain joy.  As I see the green leafs emerging from its tips. I just feel so much love in my heart.    I am not sure why except it reminds me how amazing Life is.  Every year after a sometimes brutal winter, those leafs pop out from where they were hidden, begin to stretch and yawn, expand and grow until the whole tree is green and full of buzzing Life.  That is just amazing to watch.  

We do the same. We live for decades in a dormant state of false-safety, hiding away from imagined winter storms, beneath layers of frost and ice. The magic of who we are stays curled up in a little ball, hidden away,  until one day we just say,  "It's time"...and we begin to emerge, to wake up,  expanding and becoming more alive with every conscious breath we take, making ourselves and the world, better for doing so.

We wake up when we begin to practice being conscious every day. We let go of that which kept us hid and stuck and we begin the beautiful evolution of becoming who we really are, who we have always been. 

Well, it is spring out there now people.  It is time to do as my little tree is doing...It is time to let go of all that keeps us from being okay and time to simply be okay .

All is well. 

Cracks in the Ice

 I let people see the cracks in my life. We can't be phony. We got to keep it real.

Charles R. Swindoll

This blog tells me there was zero readers today and Google analytics tells me otherwise.  Why is that? 

I am so tired today...drained actually.  The chest thing which I am beginning to believe is a different manifestation of the heart thing...is draining me of physical energy.  And the bit of energy that is able to get through my blockages is seeping through my pores with every hot flash of transition and life circumstance I experience. The majority of this Shakti stuff , I know, is still blocked under some heavy duty samskara, circling around itself , creating a lot of energy underneath.  With the work I do in my practice ( why did I call it work?) and my prayer/intention to have it rise to the surface and wash the remnants of this broken me away, it is more determined to do that.  The energy below is getting stronger. The ice is cracking above the current,,,and there is a lot of rumbling going on ...Man... I can feel that rumbling...but the blockage  is still thick. 

I find my self, in whatever form I am...under the ice ...desperately crying for a good breath of air and the feel of warm sun on my skin.  It is just recently, however,  that I allowed myself to admit that is what I truly "want", to experience the fruition of that soul desire that has always been there. I have spent my life making the most of my "situation/situations",  working so hard to be brave...as I, a little "me", broken and afraid...but oh so hopeful...made the best of my so called "life" down here below the ice. I believed this was all there was. So I looked for and celebrated in any tiny bit of light that made it a little less dark in here. I braced myself and "hoped" my way through the very dark and cold times.There were many of those.  I lived like I was supposed  to create an image of strength for those down here with me as the ice above got thicker, and thicker and thicker...  " I should be, have to be, must be strong" I recited to myself. "I must grab and rejoice in any bit of happiness and peace I can find."  I felt great shame when I wasn't strong or happy, when fear dragged me deeper into the swirling trapped energies. But I thought that was my plight, my destiny...that there was nothing "more". I couldn't see what really needed to happen. Now I do. 

I don't want to live like that anymore!  I want to get rid of all the have-tos and just be free.   I am saying out loud to the Universe within mySelf :  "I don't want to do this anymore"...I want this Forking  ice off me...once and for all so that I can see this "me" that is doing all the suffering as nothing more than something in the way of  my true strength as Self. So I can see mySelf as the very water I feel trapped in because of the ice this "me" put there.  Imagine simply being that free flowing current? Of feeling the sun warming and brightening this Self without barriers and  the warm spring rains replenishing what I thought I lost but that truly never was lost...knowing it was always just absorbed and stored away in another form ( like precipitation in the clouds) . 

Anyway...I ramble this morning...not making sense. Something just pushing up through the cracks in the ice, I guess. I need to sit with whatever that is.

All is well.

A Ray Of Source

 To know yourself as consciousness is the most amazing liberation...not for the person, but a liberation from the person.

Eckhart Tolle

I love talks about consciousness, about what it is and what it is not...that is why I was drawn to the video linked below from Eckhart Tolle. 

This invisible realm, almost always distorted by religion and denied by scientists who are hooked on materiality, is invisible, yet so very, very real.   You cannot see consciousness, not even under a microscope.  It or its expression as thought, memory etc can not be found on dissection. You cannot touch it or taste it. Yet we know it is real. How? Because we are conscious. We are aware that we think, aware that we have memories.  Even when we sleep, consciousness does not go away.  We wake up knowing we were asleep, recalling, possibly, the dreams we had during the night.  In order to do that we had to be conscious right? Even when our senses were not picking up information. Consciousness, then,  is more than just a byproduct of our nervous system functioning. It is real but invisible. Even though it is invisible, and falls away from the natural laws of matter, we know consciousness exists because we are conscious. 

It goes beyond even that, though. We are not just conscious we are consciousness.  We are not just aware of what is happening around us or in us, we are awareness.

Say what, crazy lady?

Well like anything consciousness has to have a source, doesn't it? It has to come from somewhere.  Eckhart Tolle describes it this way: A ray of sun shines light on something so we can see it but it is simply an expression of, a part of, an emanation of the sun...its source. In the same way we are conscious, like that ray, because we are an emanation of consciousness, an expression of consciousness , a part of consciousness.  If we are a part of Something, are we not  that Something? The answer to that could be yes and no, right? If I have a pie in front of me and I cut you a piece...the piece I give you is still Pie, isn't it? It is pie but it isn't the whole pie. The Source from which that piece was taken, the whole pie,  is much greater and grander. Hmm! And unlike the piece of pie, the ray of sun does not make its source,  the Sun,  any lesser by extending from it , does it? Our being conscious does not make the Source any less because it is shining through us, does it? 

Consciousness and this invisible reality goes beyond duality. We are a just a part of consciousness and we are consciousness.  We are just a part of the universe, and we are the universe.

The greatest miracle is that the universe is conscious....I know that because I am conscious. 

The only thing in the way of us knowing that is this little dualistic sense of "me"...of 'self".  Knowing the truth of who we are can help this "me"  to get out of the way, so we can shine like the sun. 

All is well

Eckhart Tolle (August? , 2023) How to Get True Guidance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYCwYmk6248&t=549s

Writing

 The role of the writer is not to say what we can all say, but to say what we are unable to say.

Anais Nin

Chest pain persists, not working outside, back to doing yoga classes but not much else in terms of physicality. It is like Life is telling me I am meant to be writing. I am left with the ability, the  opportunity to spend my time here and it is exactly where I want to be. 

I have been writing and submitting...which is productive enough to sssh the Martha in me, isn't it? I have to ask myself this question when it comes to writing: Is being read by many all that important to me? When I submit, I submit not so much with that goal in mind but to simply complete the writing circle I created for myself.  That circle involves being inspired by some great 'healing' idea ( most of my writing centers around this concept of 'healing'), coming here...allowing whatever it is that wants to come out to come out, taking bits of citation from all the research notes I collected over the years and adding them if and where they fit, using the intellectual mind to rearrange the thoughts and concepts in a relatable way, and then I create a draft, then another and another...I do all this before I am ready to submit, even a proposal. I then do my market research...I choose about 8 publishers at a time, readjust the query or proposal to those requested submission guide lines each publisher wants and I submit.  Once I click "send", I am done. I have completed my circle knowing that I have sent what I have written to one reader...the acquisitions editor.  I have done what I can do.  I do not sit around wringing my hands waiting.  Most times, I completely forget that I have something 'out there'. It is out of my hands.  Hmm!

As far as this blog...I obviously do not care about being read by many.  I am not sure about what is going on with it...going from 100 readers to less than ten a day? The last 20 entries have not been read and what does get read, according to statistics, is stuff dragged up from years ago? Those that I know that used to read me tell me they cannot "find me" anymore?  I am not promoting or pushing...have not been since the beginning.  If I write something that gets published I will refer the reader here in my bio so they know who it was that wrote that article. I do not expect them or need them, however,  to become a "fan" of what I do here. I just need to be real and let them know who I am. For me, it is all about keeping it real...all else is out of my hands.

I do not "feel" that my job is to ensure I get read...to ensure that people are pleased with my writing. It isn't about collecting 'many' readers My job is to simply write...to allow what is inside me to come out. Whatever that is ,  is bigger than "me. " 

Sure ego wants more but but I want less ego. :) 

All is well.

Messed Up from Samskaras? And a Letter to Michael Singer

The disturbance that we create about something that happened is more disturbing than the original thing that disturbed us...

Michael A. Singer (Somewhat paraphrased)

So, serendipity again. I opened up to Michael Singer's podcast entitled, "Spirituality- Releasing the Root Cause of Inner Disturbance." Isn't that what I wrote about yesterday? 

I really, really want to talk to this man lol.  I don't know him or have any idea what he is like as a human person but I feel like we are on the same wave length in some way I don't understand.  I get his message so clearly.  It is uncanny but I get what he is saying as if it was already programmed in my mind. I would just love to have a convo with him about Life.  I don't want to make him, as a body and mind...a human...my guru or anything like that but I do see him as a teacher.  I can and have  learned from him and I am so grateful for that but I also feel like I could share with him this knowing that has come to me, as well. (Even though he is likely much  wiser and more evolved than I will ever be in this life time)   I really feel the urge to connect with him.  Since  that is unlikely to happen in the bigger scheme of things, I would like to write him a letter...maybe.

Hmm! I am going to write him a letter right here and send it out ...I will let Life decide form here where it goes. 

Dear Michael Singer,

I am writing to thank you for sharing your beautiful free flowing Shakti with the world through your books and podcasts. I am not going to call myself a "fan" because I want to believe we have both evolved beyond that point,  but I do call myself a very appreciative and receptive student of your  teaching. So thank you for doing what you do and for being who you are. 

 I  want you to know that I can truly relate to the way you teach the  ancient wisdom I have been studying and practicing  for years. Your personal approach has opened me up to that which I already knew, (that which we all already know), in ways I never thought possible.  I am so grateful for that.

In my desire to share with you my own understanding, gained more so from experience and inner reflection than my studying of scripture and teachings from very wise beings, including yourself, I am writing this letter.  Chances are, we may never have the chance to sit at a table together over tea discussing the wonders of Life and awakening, like the great philosophers of the world have done [ not calling myself great lol]. This is all I can think to do in lieu of that. I feel the need to connect.

I have read your books and I listen to your talks from The Temple of the Universe 2-3 times a week. They have become a part of my morning practice. I listen, reflect, write notes, debate and test out your teachings. Then I write about what I learn. I always write about what I learn.  Though I have studied Yoga and other teachings for years and what you share is not new to me...it resonates in a new and profound way. It inspires me to go on learning, to go on opening up. 

Anyway you said something today that hit home and led me to imagine what I would say to you about it  if we were casually sitting over a cup of tea.  

The disturbance that we create in our minds about something that happened, is more disturbing than the original thing that disturbed us...(somewhat paraphrased)

This is what I would share with you:

I agree this is true for about 75 % of our samskaras. Maybe not in trauma wounding, though? Some trauma pain is very, very big for the psyche to digest. We often attempt to diminish that pain small enough so we can stuff and store it. We fold it up like a pair of PJs we are packing away (Marie Kondo style) under a bunch of other stuff...but trauma pain  is often much bigger than its folded, tucked away size. So I would have to say the disturbance created by past trauma is much bigger than anything the present mind can do with it.  In fact, the mind often does not know what to do with trauma pain. It shuts down.

Of course all the trigger pains we store in relation to it are usually smaller than the bothersomeness we get from it. And it is true...the time we spend in actual trauma is much shorter than the time we spend dealing with it(usually in unwholesome ways) outside the trauma. For example, the person and situations responsible for the trauma and original wounding was only in my life for 14 years but I spent the next 46 years attempting to deal with what was done to that child I was then. 46 years is a lot longer than 14. What an unnecessary waste of precious time, that could have been spent embracing life fully and happily. If only I was able to let it go as soon as it came in. If only I knew then what I know now. 

 But the original wounding was so big and so intense for even the mind to react to it...it had to shut down whenever it got close to it. The trauma was bigger than anything my mind could have done with it.  The disturbance I felt when the mind got close to it, when it was triggered or pushed in that direction, however, was far bigger than the trigger that took me there. But the trauma disturbance was bigger than them all  :) 

I am writing a book, inspired by your teachings, about samskara release in regards to trauma. I can see where our approaches differ...You are presently, in your wonderful teaching, addressing  dealing with low hanging fruit  while I am addressing how to deal with the buried roots of the Redwood tree :).  You are gradually taking the reader to the roots of the fruit tree and I am standing with them near the trunk of the world's biggest tree, handing them a shovel and saying, "Dig!"  

It all boils down to the same thing: letting go!!! It involves the same process of realizing there is a mess inside and that nothing out there is going to fix it...going inward to take responsibility for the  mess...relaxing instead of resisting...allowing the samskaras to come up...not pushing them back down and eventually letting them go.  Of course, we know that what was stored in pain, comes up in pain. Most pain from samskara release, though unpleasant, we can handle. So we may say, "Bring  on the sore belly and the nausea.  Let me puke the poison out . ( Sorry...the nurse in me is suddenly doing the explaining, lol) 

Trauma pain, however, can be  little more caustic than other stored pain when it comes back up. It can do even more damage on its way out then what was done on its way in, if we are not careful.  A child that ingested a poison such as chlorine needs a different poison control approach than a child who ingested something that won't burn and do more damage coming back up, right?  The pain of stored trauma can burn through the esophagus of the psyche if it comes up without a buffer. In both cases the poison has to come up and out but in the past I would not  give syrup of ipecac to the child who drank the bleach, where I might have given  it to the child that took the sleeping pills. I , acting on what I was taught then, (though this rationale is not used anymore,)  would think the child that swallowed the pills needs to vomit them up and it won't hurt them to do so.  It will be unpleasant...yes...the belly will hurt and the nausea will suck but it won't last forever. They will soon be poison free and feel much better.  I would not have induced vomiting in the other child. I would more likely need the order and support of a team to buffer the expulsion of poison, with charcoal maybe,  for the child whose ingested substance was so caustic and corrosive. Some unprocessed trauma pain is caustic and corrosive. 

So, when it comes to releasing the samskaras of trauma...we do need a more careful approach. Oh heck yes...we want those blockages  out of us...but we need to buffer that release. I know Life and consciousness will naturally take care of the release when we are ready but it might benefit to have a good personal and professional support system around when that mind burning stuff comes back up. Especially if we have not yet evolved to the point where we are able to handle it.

Enlightenment, is probably the greatest buffer, would you say? It is, however, a slow process for some of us who want healing.  I am personally prioritizing my Self-realization, in hope that the big stuff (that I know is in there but that mind won't let me remember) won't make its way back out until I am ready. I am dealing with all the "low hanging fruit" as best as I can and rejoicing in the release of some of the deeper stored stuff that isn't so caustic as it comes up . But I know that the biggest, deepest  blockage is still in me. There is a big burning hot red coal of samskara in there that I need to prepare my body and mind for before it is expelled. So I do find myself questioning, "What am I going to do about that?"  

It isn't about "me", though, is it; it isn't about  when "me"  is ready, is it? I did my part here, and do my part everyday when I profess my willingness to relax, release and let go of my blockages.I am willing to open up and release, I truly, truly am. I can buffer the release. I certainly can but then I have to trust that Life will take care of the rest,  Thy Will, not 'my will'  be done.   I need to get that poison out of this body and mind I am using for the time being but maybe it isn't so much about "me" getting it out and more about trusting and allowing it to just happen in a gentle and effective way.

Anyway, thankyou for providing a learning platform for this mind  to question and reflect as I learn, grow , heal and eventually get out of the way. so that the something-much greater,  you enemate, can shine through. Thank you for your teaching.

May you be well,

Well that  is what came out of me.  Maybe every week I will write a letter to great teachers,  be they dead or alive, about  something they said that made me go off on a ramble lol. Man. me and my rambles.  It is a good thing I am not sitting across with the great thinkers of the world having tea, like I dream about being able to do.  After a few minutes of my rambling, even the  most evolved  would be trying to drown themselves in their cups lol. 

All is well.

 

"What is Wrong With Me?"

 I had a feeling there was something wrong with me.  I guess I was a mystery even to myself. 

Benjamin Alire Saenz

I am captivated by the question, this morning, "What is wrong with me?"

 Now that is a question that has many sides to it.  First, let me explain where it comes from. Let me share the insignificant and somewhat boring story of detail that belongs to this person I call "me". Why would I bore you with the detail? Because I know this is a question that many of us ask ourselves everyday and I believe it is more important to get to the root of the question than it is to diffuse it  with positive reconstruction. Though the details of our stories may differ, the root cause doesn't. The detail takes us to the root. 

The Present Situation Leading to the Question?

So this question arose in my mind after a shame/guilt reaction this morning when I found myself hesitating to meet self -imposed but socially conditioned expectations.  I didn't jump quick enough on the calls that came in for work and they were taken by others, That means, I once again find myself  'not working and earning money".  The shame comes because I know, I probably could have gotten these jobs ...well at least one maybe... if I didn't over think it and just pressed" accept" as soon as they came in.  But I allowed a certain fear and doubt to stop me from jumping on it. I am not working enough...so my my mind tells me. If I approached this like I did at the beginning with, "This is an adventure.  I won't know what and where I will be until I get there.  Cool!" ...I would be working almost everyday. I am, however,  approaching it ever so cautiously, too cautiously... I am hesitating every time a call comes in...searching to determine  what  will be expected of me that day and questioning if I have the physical and mental stamina to take on that specific  role for eight hours. 

Preferring

I am, in a sense,  attempting to manipulate, control and pick and choose from what life offers so that I feel comfortable inside. I am pushing away...not selecting...that which makes me feel uncomfortable.  I am preferring. My hesitation and reluctance to accept right away is due to preference. And we know, by now, that The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences, (Third Zen Patriarch), right? The great way is more difficult for those of us that still prefer. Sigh!

Letting Others Down?

Well... in a moment's hesitation the jobs are taken by others.  The window for accepting is small. It has gotten quite competitive.  There are many more available people out there now than there was when I began and my presence, in the pool of many, is really not needed anymore. For the most part, not accepting calls impacts no one except me. I mean there were days when the calls were plenty but because of circumstances or the way I physically felt that day,  I could not take the call. There may have been jobs not filled on those rare days but for the most part this form is not missed. I am really not letting anyone down. So I know that. The fact that the  much needed service I thought I was providing, is not much needed anymore and that others out there might need and want the work more than I do, allows me to rationalize my hesitation. I am not letting anyone down. I may even be helping others by  stepping out of the way for them to jump on the opportunity. Good thing, right? 

So... why the guilt?  Why the fear? Why the question, "What is wrong with me?" 

This is where we trace back. Though it seems that I am asking "What is wrong with me for not working more?"...I am not that upset about what is happening now.  This question  has little to do with  my not working enough today. You see, this little detail in my story triggers a buried detail from a past story.  Through it, I am reminded of a time when I could not work because of health issues and a certain amount of fear related to what might happen if I do.  I chose health and wellness over income and the need to meet social expectations ("people with my education work and earn a certain income...they are productive") ...I felt great shame then.  I felt like I was letting others, besides society,  down...my children mostly because we  had to live on a very fixed and sometimes non existent income. It was really challenging.  There was always the question in the back of my mind then, " Can I push past this?  Am I letting fear get in the way of my providing better for my children and for being a productive member of society?" I felt tremendous shame for not pushing past the body's cry for help....for allowing fear to get in the way.   I believed that if  I pushed past the symptoms and just did what was expected of me, I wouldn't have to make my children suffer.  I wouldn't have to live with such shame over not being a productive member of society. I felt very selfish for choosing my own health over  my children's comfort and society's expectation of me. 

Lurking Beyond the Obvious 

What made it worse was there was also  a non physical wellness issue lurking in the background impacting both  the physical one and the situational one. Severe PTSD from past trauma was crying for me to deal with it. The idea that I  had anxiety was something I never wanted to admit. It led to great shame. It was much easier to accept the physical reasons for my present state of wellness than it was to accept the emotional and mental ones. To me, they were completely separate.  I could not, until the last ten years, see the irreversible connection between the two. I had spent my entire life pushing the pain of my past trauma  down whenever it got triggered and it got triggered a lot!   It was exhausting. No wonder why my heart and body were so tired. My chosen career was actually a very big trigger for these PTSD symptoms, explaining why my health broke down at work. I only realized that in the last few years as well. 

Trigger triggering a trigger, triggering an unresolved wounding

So long story short...when I fail to work or meet social expectation,   I am reminded of that painful time when I had to leave work for health reasons and any remnants of the shame that was there then emerges.  This then triggers a layer of samskara under that related to past trauma triggering from experiences I had in my chosen career over the decades and that takes me back to the rawness of trauma memory where the original wounding began...when I first had to ask that question, "What is wrong with me?"  Meaning:  what is so wrong with me that I would deserve this. This question, from way, way back,  emerges with shame and fear. Though totally irrational, the fear that manifests today, in its varied levels and intensities, ( like that which causes me to hesitate before accepting a job)  is just that fear I had then, making its way through the levels of the samskaras  with each, "I am not meeting social expectation therefore there must be something wrong with me and something "bad and painful" is going to happen as a result."

What the fork does this long boring story have to do with anything crazy lady? 

When we notice ourselves reacting in a given situation, as I did over my hesitancy to accept work, we need to spend, I believe, more time asking "why" we feel that way rather than asking, "What can I do to stop feeling that way?" We need to trace it back.  

Our conditioned core beliefs often come to the surface before we even know where they come from.  Beliefs that there is something wrong with us ( very common) are usually the result of some past wounding that goes all the way back to childhood and have little to do with what is happening in our present set of circumstances.  You may find yourself asking that question, What is wrong with me?,  after your boss reprimands you, or when you make an embarrassing mistake or when your partner leaves you. Though these things are no doubt painful...they are not the cause of the fear and shame.  It goes deeper and if we want true healing and freedom from suffering, we need to get to the roots of it.  Why? Once we see where it all comes from, once we expose it to the light, it loses its fear factor. And shame doesn't do well in the light of day either.  We will, then,  be more likely to deny the automatic urge to keep pushing it back down and we will let the samskaras come up like they are so inclined to do before we let them go.   

What is wrong with "me"?

We can look at that question in many ways. On the surface level you can take it as an opportunity to trace back and get to the root of it, as I have done above, Instead of placating this "me" by saying, "Nothing is wrong with you"...and pretending by building a stronger and prettier outer self...start looking at  the truth in that question. What might not be right inside you? Start looking at the pain and the mess most of us have inside taht we do anything to pretend isn't there. Let's face what is wrong with us  for the sake of healing. 

We can take it deeper. When you ask, what is wrong with "me"?  I want to say: absolutely everything! This "me", which is nothing more than a  self concept built on a collection of learned experiences and stuffed samskaras, which is made from clinging to old wounds and  from preferring comfort inside is perfectly normal, yes, but it is  not something you want to hang on to.  This "me" is what is causing you to have these reactions  today...these hesitations, these painful bouts of fear and shame . This "me" is what is taking you from this precious moment and into the story in your head about all that is wrong with you and Life. 

At a deeper level...this question is very profound.  It has the potential to free you. Use it to come back to Self by dismantling the "me"  one samskara at a time, one root at a time.  Hmm!  

Well that is the way I see it,  But what the  heck do I know?  :) 

All is well in my world.  

Submitting

I actually wrote this on April 26

Turning a manuscript into a book is easy; getting the manuscript ready to become a book is hard.

AP Fuchs

 I sent out some book proposals yesterday to satisfy both the Mary and the Martha in me :) Before I go any farther, you do know that I am not delusional?...(Well we are all delusional) ...but I do not have a fixed false belief that there is actually a person called "Mary" and a person called "Martha" living  in me. lol  Just so you know.  More than a few people think I am off my rocker, as it is, because of what I write and sometimes speak about. To those individuals this waking up stuff is just a bunch of "crazy woo-woo!" and I am the "crazy lady" that is spewing it. So when I write or speak  figuratively,  they may be taking it literally. I can assure you, I am no crazier than any one else but we are all more than a little crazy, aren't we?  

Anyway...as I was saying...I sent some book proposals out yesterday. And I am feeling a tremendous sense of relief. "I half completed the cycle! I am getting somewhere. "  You see, with me, the writing process involves not only the idea to write, the completion of the many drafts, and then the finished product but it also involves having what I have written... read.  I do not put a lot of focus on who reads it and what they may think about it. But I need a reader to finish the cycle.  Nothing is completed until it is read, as far as I am concerned. By submitting, I am releasing what I wrote to a reader (even if it doesn't get published); I am closing the circle. 

 I am doing my best not to prefer, I am... but I meet a certain resistance when it comes to the submission process.  I could write forever about almost anything. Hours, days, weeks could go by with me barely getting out of this spot. It is almost effortless...but when it comes to submitting. Yick! I am challenged to write a synopsis or a book proposal  or  a cover letter that will make someone out there want to consider what I wrote.   I have to push myself through it. I find it unnatural to have to promote myself or what I write, to "sell it". I just want to hand whomever the manuscript  and say,  "Here...read it...this is who I am...if you like it, great,,,if you don't, that's great too...Thanks for reading it. " Once it is out there...I stop thinking about it.  I mean really...but to get it out there requires a certain amount of unnatural work and effort from me. 

Anyway, I usually finish what I write before I send it out too, but this time I sent out a proposal for a work in progress.  ...so the cycle is only half completed.  Still, I feel relief...mostly due to the fact that I am done with the proposal lol. I can go back to the book and relax as I write it. Do I think someone is going to pick it up?  No, not really. I am just being honest and realistic when I say that.  I chose publishers I would be honored to publish under but I know the chances for an unknown to be recognized by them is low.  It is a risk  to publish an unknown. There is also a heck of a lot better writers out there than me with topics that might be more suitable for publication. There is a lot of writers with agents, more publications and credentials under their belts  too. Though I usually write to serve a need, not everyone is aware that they need what I share lol. All I offer, can offer, is me in my imperfect form with my imperfect gift of words and shared wisdom. That might not be what others want. :) 

Will I be disappointed and hurt with each rejection? No, not really.  Like I said I let it go and I don't create unreal expectations for myself or others.  If it happens, it happens.  It is all good! The important thing is I have the proposals out there! I am churning the wheel. (Might send it out to a couple of more smaller presses, round the number out a bit)  For the most part, my contribution in this is complete..for now...the rest is  up to Life, not "me".  So I let it go! 

All is well in the world.

The Observer Within

 Observe, and in the observation there is neither the "observer" or the "observed", there is only observation taking place.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

Well that poem I put down yesterday is staying up as part of my practice of embracing the uncomfortable.  It is a low hanging fruit I can practice with.  It is "embarrassing "to the ego and that is wonderful. I observe the embarrassment and ask:

"How do you know you are embarrassed?"

I feel it inside, duh!

"What inside you is embarrassed?" 

Well "me" as the persona that identifies as writer is embarrassed, The not okay  "me" that wants approval and redemption in order to feel okay inside is embarrassed. The "me" that is worried about what other people think and fears rejection is embarrassed. 

"How do you  know "me" is embarrassed?"

Part of this thing "I am",  can see it and feel it.  It is observing it.

"So there is Something else inside you besides this neurotic little me?"

Yeah...I guess. 

 "Who or what  is observing this part of "me" that is embarrassed?" 

Well I am not sure what this thing is. I do know that to be observing it, means that it isn't the same  "me" that is embarrassed.  It has to be outside of it to witness it. So whatever it is, it isn't the "me" that is embarrassed...it is the Observer of it. And  though this Observer is inside this mind and body  with this "me"...it isn't the "me". 

"So ...again...your inner world consists of two beings?" 

Well kind of , I suppose.  There is "me" and there is the Observer of "me". 

 "Is that Observer embarrassed?"

No...this Observer is very objective and neutral in its opinion of things.  It doesn't seem to get upset about what "me" is going through...It tends to watch it, sometimes obsessively,   but is not disturbed by it or its dramas.  It sees that "me" is embarrassed but It isn't. 

"So you have two parts inside you...one part is disturbed and the other part is objectively watching the disturbance but  it, itself, is not disturbed?" 

Yeah...I guess.  One part is peaceful and one part isn't. 

"Okay. You see the two parts inside you right?  One is peaceful and nonreactive; one is very reactive, easily embarrassed, easily disturbed?   If you can see these two parts, you get to choose which one you want to put your attention on.  Don't you?"

I guess.

"Okay. Do you tend, historically, to put most of your attention on this "me" with its  drama or disturbance...focusing on  its embarrassment by saying "I am embarrassed"?  And when you do that, do you not get so lost in the drama you forget all about the other part of you?  Do you get so lost in the drama of me that you forget about the peaceful Watcher of it all.  Do you forget there is another part of you, you could  place your attention on? Do you forget you have another choice? Do you forget that you can choose peace rather than this?"

Yes, I often get lost in "me" and its drama.I am seldom peaceful.

" How does that feel?  How does living feel when you are constantly getting lost in "me" at the exclusion of this Peaceful Observer?" 

Yucky.  Life is hard. It isn't peaceful. It is scary because I never really know how me is going to feel or react to what is happening out there. 

"What do you think would happen, if instead of focusing your attention on this "me" story you put your attention on the peaceful Observer watching this "me" story?"

Well,  I wouldn't be so disturbed.  I would not be so lost in the story of "me", so identified with it, so trapped in it.  I too would look at Life a little more objectively without reacting and getting disturbed.  I would be more peaceful.  Life would be so much less "disturbing". It would be freeing not to be so easily disturbed. 

"Hmm. So why do you think you are not doing that?"

Well the story of me is so dramatic and it keeps pulling me in and once I am in, it is hard to get out.  I don't even know I am in a story anymore when I am there.  It all seems so real...The problems seem so real.  It is hard not to focus on all the so called problems and disturbance.

"Okay ...so I will ask you again.  Who knows and who is watching this story of me you so often find yourself lost in?"

The Peaceful Objective Observer is watching.

"So the other part of you, that is not the "me" but simply observing the me knows you are embarrassed and is watching you, as "me",  get lost in this story?"

Yeah... I guess

"So you are aware then,,. that even though you "think" you are lost in the story of me that something is outside this story watching it?"

Yeah but I am getting confused.

"Bear with me. This thing that is watching the story is not lost in the story, not disturbed by the story, right? It is watching it all from a distance inside you. So if you focus your attention on that, rather than on "me", you won't be lost either.  You won't be disturbed either.

Oh man...this sounds like some kind of riddle.

The same thing that is watching the  story, can stop watching the story. It is just a matter of looking elsewhere. You are not just the "me" caught up in the story. You are the thing watching the story. Choose being the Observer over the "me" and look elsewhere. 

 How do I do that? Me keeps pulling me back in.

""Me"  is not pulling you back in...it is just  the star of a "story" that you are choosing to watch. This story can only continue while the Observer is watching it.  When the Observer is not watching it...there is no story and if there is no story, it was never real .  If the story was never real,  either was the "me". If the "me" was never real, all that is inside you then...in reality...is the Observer. You may not be ready for that yet....so for now,  just be aware that inside you is a great Observer of everything. It is watching this made up drama of "me" and the production is so good sometimes you, as It, get overly absorbed into it.You see "me"and all its drama  as real at those times.  

Huh? 

"Regardless of where you are at in this understanding, choose to identify more with the Observer in you than the "me". Just know and observe what is going on inside you at all times. Observe when you are lost in "me"; observe when you are not. And practice challenging this understanding with challenge that "me" often reacts to.  Practice with little disturbances like embarrassment. Then gradually as you observe, notice more and more when you are not the embarrassed "me" but the undisturbed Observer,  until eventually you are no longer "me "  and just the Observer,  until you are no longer disturbance, just peace. Someday you will recognize yourself as  awareness. Awareness, doesn't get embarrassed or disturbed. Until then keep observing."

Well that is what came out of me. All is well.

Merging?

 I walk along the endless beach that suddenly has no shore.

I taste the wine right from the grape until I can drink no more.

I melt into the sunlight that pours down upon my skin

I become the very ocean that I am floating in

I feel myself merging with the world that I see

and with each breath I take, it becomes a part of me.

I am the pain of suffering beings that I have never met

I am the freeing laughter  behind each tiny  heart's   regret.

My own heart  grows with every soul that makes it through the night;

and I rejoice in  the joy of many others as they awaken to the light.

I realize, I am much more than this witness that  sees and loves  it all.

I am the very essence of the One. I am everything. I am all. 

Dale-Lyn, April, 2023

I woke up with the first two lines in my head and it was like "Wow! You gotta go write those down before you forget them."  Was not quite sure what they were about, except maybe merging into Oneness....but  I obeyed that little voice and came out here at 330 in the morning to jot them down.  Crazy! Then as I sat down to look at them in the morning light, it was like What The Fork? 

 I find myself trying to "do" something with them...create something from them and it doesn't feel like it did when I first jotted those words down.  It feels forced with a need to rhyme...jarring, with poor sentence structure.  It was as if  Martha was in charge of that lol. She shoved some lines in there just to get the rhyme and it shows. (Highlighted those) Anyway...not great.  Far from it. Mary is a much better poet but she doesn't mind if Martha's interference makes a choppy poem.  She doesn't care what people think as long as the message is good. Well Martha will probs be back later to fix it up...she cares what others think too much to leave it at that. 

All good. 

From Martha to Mary; From Mary to Martha

 "Martha, Martha", Jesus answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her. "

Luke 10: 41-42 NIV 

Sigh!  Yesterday morning I woke up as a Mary, sitting and being peacefully at the feet of Truth.  Today, I am a Martha. (It just hit me why the housemaids in Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale were called "Martha" lol). I woke up reacting to life with "upset and worry", feeling guilty for my inability to "do" the way the little voices of conditioning tell me I should, Old health related samskaras are also being poked and prodded by my present set of circumstances.  

It is like I have dissociative fugue(split personality)  or something. The personalities of Martha and Mary are fighting to be dominant inside me.  :) 

Mary  (sitting back in her dreads):   "Don't worry.  Be happy!" 

Martha  ( running around,  wringing her hands replying  in a highly strained voice):  "Oh you lazy fool.  We need to do so much around here to make life better for us and others. Look at this house and yard  that needs to be spring cleaned and made somewhat habitable.  Look at these bank accounts and what we owe.  We need to work and I cannot get this body to work the way I want it to without you!! Get up off your lazy butt and help me. "

Mary  (smiles offering her frantic sister a peace sign):  "It isn't important Sis...none of this is important."

Martha (with face turning a combustible shade of red sputters): "Not...not important?? How can you say that?  Oh my goodness...you give me chest pain!"

Mary: Just relax.  It is all going to be okay.  The chest pain is nothing...just let it go.

Martha: Let it go? You do remember that we have a heart thing, right? We might be having a heart attack and you are telling me to just let it go??? I don't understand you.

Mary: We don't know what it is and that is okay. It is likely just a muscle strain and even if it is more... does it really matter?  Like really? We will know when it is time to do something and we will do it then if it is called for. Even if we miss that window...does that matter?  The body doesn't matter Sis...It is just a suit of clothing we are going to take off when we go to bed. And we are all going to go to bed eventually. You need to relax. Like really...chill. 

Martha (straightening and holding her chest): You want me to chill? ( puffs of smoke coming from her ears) Do you not remember what we went through...what we lost...how we suffered because of you and this body that doesn't want to work?  How we couldn't get the help  we needed leading us to where we are now. We let so many people down! Looks like we might be back there and you are okay with doing that all over again?  Well I am not okay with that! We were doing so well...working and earning some money, feeling useful and productive. I don't want to go back to that struggle again! You might have liked having the opportunity to do your thing but it near killed me. And my dear sister, we are not going to bed now, though you could spend your bloody day there.  We are in this life and we  need to take care of this outfit we share so we can live it productively. 

Mary (with a look of kind compassion on her face): Oh my dear sister...it is all okay.  What happened happened.  We learned and grew from it.  Yes...I flourished but even you learned. We grew leaps and bounds because of the challenge our contrary body gave us and because others did not validate us and support us in the way you thought they should. We are exactly where we are supposed to be now as we were then. We do not know what will happen to this form.  We don't need to know. Let's trust Life and the Big Guy, k?  It is all good. And yes we need to love and honor this body we are in as long as we are in it and we will.  But being worried and upset over it doesn't help...it takes us away from what is important...this moment and being fully in it. It is okay Sis.  It really is okay. (Smiling and pointing to the guest in the chair) Even He says so. 

Martha(blushing and dropping her head, visibly relaxes a bit): Oh you crazy nut...what am I going to do with you?

Mary (Winking before sending a look of unconditional love to her  big sister): You are going to do nothing about me or anything else until the moment tells you too, if it tells you to. You heard Him. He said I was the one that chose rightly and this peace will not be taken from me. I want the same for both of us. So just relax, with me,  into what is,  and enjoy the show. 

Where did that come from?

Not sure where that came from lol. I guess it was inspired by the fact that I woke up worrying and confused over this pain and upset over not being well enough to take a call for work. 

Learning by  not learning  from chest pain

The pain in my chest persists as do the other symptoms that go with it.  For the most part, it makes so much sense to me that I just over strained the pec major muscle in my chest. Why? For the most part it is on my right side...duh!! If only I  could get it into Martha's thick head that  was the case. I could push myself to do things  while I pampered the muscle somewhat  until it recovered. Really...I know that a strained pec is no big deal. It would not stop me and I would waste barely more than a thought on it. Yet,  I find myself Marthaing over the question, "Is that what it is though?"  

 Martha: Questioning the Pain Scientifically 

I have been feeling so wiped out with this- a muscle strain doesn't wipe you out unless it is the muscle in the center of the chest that is strained. I looked after my grandson yesterday and man, I didn't think I was going to make it through the day. Also, a muscle strain is not going to increase the pain just from standing, or will it? (Well gravity, maybe, plays a part.)  I am okay when I am sitting...not so when I am walking or laying down on my back. When  I stand and walk around just a bit,  I feel the weight on my chest...though it is mostly on my right it is in the center of my chest too. The pain is also inconsistent where it would probably be consistent in a muscle issue. The intensity  depends on the amount of exertion I do. Sometimes it is crushing. Muscle pain does not vary like that does it?  Then I question: Will this type of muscle strain make one short of breath?  I can see that it may...if the muscle over the lung is inflamed and a little heavier than normal there is going to be decreased chest expansion and therefore diminished inspiration ability. So that could explain the shortness of breath I feel when I walk around or lay on my back . A muscle strain won't affect BP and pulse though. My pulse and blood pressure were consistently down over the last couple of days. (May have been down prior to this but I haven't checked my BP in months). Resting pulse is 49 according to my watch...no big deal...but it is dropping below my self imposed alarm of 45 during the day. I could handle that if the blood pressure staid up with the bradycardia but it doesn't. Systolic is in the 80's and even into the 70's. That explains the overwhelming fatigue and periods of dizziness.  I know these numbers well.  I know this fatigue and SOB well.  I have lived this for years and this is what caused me to noseplant in the past leading me to decrease my hours at work and to eventually leave all together.But I seemed to have gotten past it. I was feeling so much better and doing so much more. Martha does not want to be back here! Martha wants to work, to "do"  because she wants to impress all those voices in her head that tell her she should be more productive. 

Mary: Questioning a Deeper Meaning for the Pain

Sigh! Anyway, one thing I can do now,  that I could do in the past  when my body was being so contrary towards Martha's wishes (:)),  was "write". Do you think the universe may be steering me in that direction with all the obstacles it puts in front of me when I try to go elsewhere? Is that how the universe keeps us on tract? Right now, I am fine as I sit here writing but  the symptoms get very noticeable when I get up.  So I can not work or teach yoga...I cannot clean or fix up the yard.  I cannot even, unfortunately, look after my grandson :( ...but I can write.  That writing appeases Mary, big time, because of what I tend to write about and it even appeases Martha to some degree because I am producing something.  Of course, Martha would be a heck of a lot happier about it if I got paid and recognized or praised for my writing . Mary, however seems to be the  wiser of the two and just goes with what Life gives her.  She is more aligned with the deeper  Truth. Mary's faith and wisdom will eventually soothe her big sister into stillness. Won't it?

All is well. 

Indeed Only One

You are worried and upset about many things but few things are needed-indeed only one.

Luke !0:41-42 NIV...from the parable of Martha and Mary

I woke up this morning with this very powerful reminder coursing through every inch of me and the words came out like a wise and confident guru in my mind. I heard/thought so clearly, "I don't need anything." I knew in that instant of awakening, as I lay there,  that I truly didn't "need" anything from this world.  I don't need to work nor do I need to "not work". I don't need a body that works 100 percent and I don't need a body that doesn't work 100 % for secondary gain. I don't need health  and I don't need illness.  Heck, I don't even need to stay physically alive and I don't need to physically die. I don't need a committed relationship and I don't need to be out of a committed relationship.I don't need to be with other people and I don't need to be alone.  I don't need to be rich and I don't need to be poor.  I don't need the good opinion of others nor do I need their less than favorable opinions ( for ego reasons).  I don't need a nice clean and comfortable show house nor do I need a home that is run down demonstrating where I am in regards to life circumstance right now.  I don't need things to always work out nor do I need them to keep being so challenging. I don't need  others around me nor do I need to be alone. I don't need to put effort into my appearance nor do I need to deny my outside appearance. I don't need to be a hero and I don't need to be a victim. I don't need to be happy and I don't need to be sad. I truly, truly don't need anything form this world! 

I woke up with that so clearly in my mind and I came out here for my morning practice looking for something to listen to and I randomly chose the video listed below from Eckhart Tolle. In the first few minutes he shares the line from the parable of Martha and Mary. And it is like OMG! I once again. felt the tingles of serendipity running through my body 

There is only one thing I need (any of us need) and it isn't "out there".  It is in here .. .Mary knew that and chose to sit at Jesus' feet 'doing' nothing.  Martha did not know that and she "worried and upset" ran around mindlessly trying to do something Jesus would praise her for. Instead of  offering praise, he reprimanded her for her "doing"  because she had lost sight of   the "one thing" tin that doing and complaining  

I realized this morning as I lay there absorbing the thought ( before  I even came to this video) that it is the evolution of my consciousness from object focus to a transcendent one, what  Tolle refers to as "space consciousness" in the video, that I need.  It is the only thing I need..  The only thing that truly matters is that "I wake up."  

Hmm! The wisely evolved person (which I am not at this point!) doesn't care if they are poor or rich, sick or healthy, unemployed or working, living n a run down shack or a beautiful mansion.  The wisely evolved person's joy and sense of purpose is not dependent on the ever changing conditions of this crazy, busy world.  They are peaceful and fulfilled no matter what is or isn't happening "out here" because they know the only important thing is what is happening inside. 

The day before yesterday, after doing a lot of upper body resistance in my yoga practice (probably aggravating old muscles not used to that) , I found myself  "worried and upset" about the ice on my walkway.  So I went at it with a shovel.  I mean I went at it....pounding, chopping, lifting.   It was very hard physical work and I found myself, about 15 minutes in to the activity,  suddenly experiencing a great deal of chest pain and other physical symptoms that often go with it. I stopped and did an ECG reading on my FitBit watch...it was inclusive and the symptoms subsided a great deal ( the pain did not go away but it did diminish) when I rested so I debated about getting back at it.  Something inside said "No! Not a good idea. It isn't that important." So I listened and abandoned my mission.  I concluded that it was just a mild exertion induced coronary vasospasm  ...no big deal. I didn't even need the nitro.

The chest pain, however, an hour later  crept across my right chest and into my arm pit getting quite annoying ...so much so that during that evening's yoga class I found myself unable to do many of the poses ( I usually gently try and push each pose to the point of discomfort regardless but I couldn't even put my arms down) .  When I went to bed I couldn't take a deep breath or lift my arm. I half  concluded then that what I was experiencing  and what I experienced  after the ice attack activity  was not coronary vasospasm but a torn pec.  So I was relieved but annoyed. Also more than  a bit confused.  The pain progressively got worse leading to more confusing symptoms as the night and the next day went on.  It was fine when I was doing nothing but when I got up to do anything...even just walk it would suddenly become worse and hard to breathe.  At some points of activity it was even "crushing" and I really couldn't breathe well. It was like WTFork? What is this.  The "worry and upset" took over again...for a bit and just a bit.  

Though I did question to myself and others if this was indeed just a torn pec and not something more serious like a cardiac thing or a pulmonary thing...I, out of nowhere, was overcome with this sense of peace.  It suddenly became "So what? So what if it it hurts.  So what if it is something serious? So what if it kills me? I am not going to worry about it.  It isn't that important.  It really isn't." Now...I wasn't being stupid.  I wasn't going to let it go forever untreated.  I had made up my mind if the pain got worse or if it didn't subside with an NSAID I would take my nitro and go in etc.  But even that was not important.  What was important was that I realized how unimportant it all is...all the "upset and worry" I used to put into this health and body...unimportant.  Pain...unimportant Physical life...though amazing and beautiful and worth experiencing every minute of it...unimportant if we are not doing what we are here for.  What is important...the only thing...is waking up. 

I am quite sure this is just a pulled muscle and that might be why it seems so unimportant but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that something in me is waking up every time I realize that there is indeed only one thing that is important. I need only that!

All is well.

Eckhart Tolle ( July 19, 2022) The Most Important Thing in Our Lives. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NacNuEgU9yc

A Conversation About Fear

 As long as fear is driving your life,  you don't have one. 

Michael A. Singer

Life is sooo scary and hard!

Life is not meant to be a frightening challenging thing.

It isn't? 

No, Life is just a platform for learning and growing.  Fear  gets in the way of you seeing that and experiencing that.

Fear? What does fear have to do with what happens to me?  Fear is normal, It serves a purpose. doesn't it?  

Sure...for the Gazelle on the Serengeti it serves a vital purpose.  It keeps it alert and on guard for predators so it can act in an instant. Fear keeps the Gazelle  alive. But you are not an animal  on the Serengeti Plains, are you? You are  from a much more evolved species in a much more controlled and safe environment.  You no longer have that  constant threat to your physical survival looming over you, do you? Yet you still spend your days on hyper alert, waiting and watching  for some predator to come and swoop you away,  as if  there is always a pride of hungry lions hiding in the grass. You spend so so much energy, so much effort hiding away , analyzing your environment, doing what you can  to keep the grass from growing around you so you can see clearly at all times and by being ready to run at the faintest  flick or twitch. 

That's crazy. I know I am living in a lion free zone.

Do you? Your cortisol levels are  high enough to prove differently.  Your sympathetic nervous system,  always ready to send a surge of adrenaline through you, is very similar to the vulnerable Gazelle's .  All it takes is that phone to ring , for that person to address you in a certain way, for the world to expect something from you, to make your  ears go up, your pupils to dilate and your heart to thump wildly in your chest as your muscles prepare to fight, freeze or flee. You are always looking for and  finding signals from your environment that tell you its time to act/react. Your mind jumps in with: "You are up. Do Something!" and  you suddenly  find yourself  standing  naked and exposed in a circle of potential predators. The lions are the other people out there that may judge you, reject you, hurt you with their cutting words and squeezing pressure.  The lions are the circumstances that  seem so much bigger and more ferocious than you,  leaving you feeling helpless in your vulnerability.  The biggest lions are the ones in your head. No, there are no hungry predators waiting to eat you , but your mind and your body  believe  and act as if there is. What you are experiencing  is not a threat to your physical survival, but a threat to your psychosocial survival? 

Psychosocial survival? Why would I react so strongly to threats to my psychological and social well being? That won't kill me. 

Because this "me" you created in your mind is the most important thing to you. It is where you focus all your attention. You think you are it. You feel the need to do anything you can to protect it. All your energy goes to building and making it stronger and  the world safer and more compatible with it so it endures,  because you fear you will be nothing without it.

Huh? What the fork are you talking about, crazy lady?

Well you see yourself, as does most the population,  as the particular  body and personality that has your name, your job, your family role, and your personality.  You see "self"  as the body, mind and personality that lived a particular story, lives in a particular house ( or doesn't), drives a particular car ( or doesn't), earns money in a particular way ( or doesn't). The survival and well being of of this "me", you are so sure, depends on how strong and well buffered it is...its ability to stand up to the psychosocial lions. The preservation of your psychosocial identity depends on your ability to fight or get away from all those unpleasant and potentially threatening things out there in your psychosocial world.

What makes certain things threatening to this idea of "me"?

Anything that makes you "uncomfortable" inside...anything that reminds you that under all these protective , but useless, shells of "me"ness,  you are not okay inside.

Not okay inside?

No, you are not okay inside. What happens out here is really not the problem you are so hypervigilant about running from or protecting yourself against.  The problem isn't even "out here".  It is "in there". The problem is that in you...you stored some nasty junk.  In your past, you may have experienced natural and real terror after being  tossed around in the proverbial  lion's jaws. Instead of  allowing that very natural fear to arise in you and pass through you, you may have  pushed it all down.  So even when you got away from the lion and were free you didn't shake and tremble off the remaining adrenaline and cortisol as the Gazelle would have done...you stuffed it all down and in. You didn't release it and let it go. You stuffed the painful experience inside. It created a big knot of pain within you. Now you do not want to feel or aggravate this painful knot.  You do not want to experience that pain again.  You spend the rest of your life in fear that it will get poked and disturbed. This fear then  leads you to crave things that will keep it down and to avoid things that will bring it up. 

So doesn't fear help me to stay away from the things that make me uncomfortable inside? Isn't that a good thing?

Yes, fear will help you stay away from the  things that make you uncomfortable...up to a point.  But then you may begin to fear fear creating a vicious cycle of pushing down and pushing away. The energy and effort it takes to keep you comfortable and safe inside is so draining and it prevents you from living a full and complete life. It will prevent you from doing what you are here to do.

How?

Well, your purpose here is to discover who you really are.

Huh?

You...who you really are is not the little "me" you are so focused on protecting and keeping safe.  Sure that "me" is in there with you but there is something greater, a little deeper, that is watching and observing this me fighting and fleeing and freezing in reaction to the environment around it and in it. You are that something too.  You are really the non reactive consciousness that is observing the very reactive "me".  You are awareness of "me" and of Life and of everything that is unfolding in this moment.  You are not fear but the  witness of it.  The problem is that fear is creating so much drama for the little me that the You, that is consciousness, is drawn to it as if it were a soap opera.  You, as consciousness, are glued to the mental dramas of little me and  are so busy watching it, getting so caught up on all the fearful dramatic things going on with this "me, " that you don't see what is going on around it or outside the fear. You don't see the moment as it is, Life as it is or You, as you truly are.  Fear keeps you from being present in the  moment.  You miss the moment.  You forget to simply be in it. You forget that you are simply awareness. 

So what am I supposed to "do" about the fear if it is in the way? 

Well the problem is not in the doing.  It is in the being.  You don't have to do anything about fear. Fear is natural...just let it be. It will come and it will go if you do not get in teh way of it. You need to just be you too. The more you simply are in the  moment, fully open and present to it and all it offers, the less you will be  lost in fear. You simply are. It isn't so much that fear is in the way...your resistance to fear is in the way. 

How do I know I am being who I am, that I am mastering Life's lessons?

You determine how present you are by how much you can sit or stand in a  fear or other discomfort  producing situation without reacting...without fighting, fleeing or freezing. If you can open up to fear and let it pass through you , you are doing pretty good in spiritual evolution terms. If you find yourself resisting...giving into the urge to fight, flight or freeze, to push down or away  or to cling to things that you think will make you feel more comfortable inside... then maybe  there is still a lot of fear running your life. More practice may be  required. Simply being aware that you are aware of fear and how you are responding to it is an amazing achievement in itself. 

Are there techniques that will help me become more aware so I can deal with fear?

Yes there are techniques.  Relax. Learn to relax in the face of anything. You can not be relaxed and resistant at the same time. Meditation and mindfulness practice are also proven techniques that work. Know though that it isn't so much the mastery of the technique as it is the willingness to be open and aware that counts. Being willing to look past the surface layer of "me" to the deeper layer of "Self" is a crucial step.  Being willing to practice being and staying open to all Life offers despite the  fear is essential....Eventually we will be able to fall back into the Seat of Consciousness  and stay there while fear, like all things, blows right through us without disturbing us in the least.  Then we will transcend it for peace, joy, love , the  reward for lessons well learned. 

All is well!

Inspired by:

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( April 18, 2023) Remaining Conscious in the Midst of Life.https://tou.org/talks/

A Little Validation

Be present as the watcher of your mind- of your thoughts and emotions as well as your reactions in various situations. Be at least as interested in your reaction as the situation or person that cause you to react. 

Eckhart Tolle 

I had to come back after listening to today's talk from Michael Singer.  It was like it echoed what I just wrote about.  I woke up this morning feeling so messy and uncomfortable inside and came here to write about it before I listened to the podcast. When I listened it was like OMG...is this man reading my mind before I even think my thoughts lol? Serendipity again.  Is the universe reminding me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my Self-realization process? The more committed I become to the learning and growing, the more these little serendipitous things seem to  happen to support my learning. 

My life feels like such a mess right now and I am reminded by Singer's words that it is all a part of the process, testament to my willingness to go deeper.  I am simply shining the light of awareness, of consciousness on that which I refused to see for so long. As long as I am witnessing , observing what is going on in me ...I am less likely to blindly react to what is going on "out there". There is so little I have to "do" but sit in consciousness and witness...witness the mess inside me...witness the weeds emerging through  the surface ...witness what I tend to do with them or at least what I feel compelled to do with them ( react) and instead just watch.  Witness what is happening to the layers and layers of earth I have attempted in the past to bury them under...observe... and instead of running around to stop it from blowing away, instead of  clinging to any false sense of protection I once clung to ...do nothing but watch as each layer  gets blown away or stripped away by this or that.  Then I just sit with the painful feelings that were once hidden there as I get closer and closer to the roots of "my" suffering, of suffering in general...doing nothing but observing. The mind, trying to protect "me", will still chirp and chatter about how I should react...keep clinging to the outer stuff that stops me from feeling, push away that which will leave me feeling uncomfortable...bury, bury, bury the truth. I just won't listen...I won't go there or "do" that. I will sit with the uncomfortable and be comfortable doing so. I will allow those root energies to emerge in their own way, at their own rate and on on their own path.  I do not need to react to any of it.  I can just witness.

Man...this learning is so cool.  It might not always feel so good lol...but it is cool! 

All is well in my world. 

Michael A. Singer/Temple of the Universe ( April 16, 2023) Letting go of Reactive Energies. https://tou.org/talks/

A Messy Garden

The wound is the place where the light enters

Rumi

 I woke up a few minutes ago feeling so raw...well maybe with an awareness of how raw I have been feeling lately. This healing, this Self recovery, is really like a debridement of layer after layer after layer.  With the removal of each protective but unhealthy exterior coating, tender spots are exposed...and it is like, "Oh man.  Is this what I was hiding in here under that layer?  Is this what I have been really feeling and experiencing under the shells I have created? This sucks!!  No wonder why my mind did everything it could to keep me from it!"  

These weeds of challenging emotion were always popping up through the surface of my psyche but instead of digging down to pull them out at the roots, which is the only way to remove a weed, my mind just got me to cover them up with layer after layer of whatever I could find "out there" that would make me look presentable to myself and others. I buried so, so much! I created a very thick and heavy layer over these weeds and in my desire to finally heal, to get to the roots of suffering for myself and others,  and to reach who I really am,  there was a lot to get through  It is not the memory I am recovering so much (that is still somewhat vague and distorted) but the feeling knots and tangles wrapped around these core messages,  in the way of me having a fluid energy release, that I find myself dealing with right now, you know? The messages they are wrapped around are so brutal, so nasty...it is like how can anyone think that of themselves? I would never think that of another living being, yet this is what I really think of my individual self?  How can anyone feel like that and not know it? It surprises me to realize how broken this "me" is under every layer that gets debrided. It surprises me but it would surprise others more...those who see me as the layers I wore, those still identified with their own outer surfaces have no idea about the degree of "brokenness"  I am dealing with as this "me". How could they?  It was all hidden so well.

Well...I am sick of the pain just having the weeds pop out causes.  I am even more sick of all the work I have to do to keep hiding them. I am sick of suffering and I know in order to get beyond it, I have to go through it.  I have to get to the roots ... in my store consciousness and gentle expose them...examine and embrace each root before I release it. Sigh! The debriding part is easy ( though painful).  Life takes care of most of that.  Winds will blow, others will tramp through, circumstance will break my outer surfaces down etc removing the outer layers. Weeds will get fed and watered by numerous things and pop up through the thinning surface. I do not need to do much but notice, allow, look deeply for the root and gently nurture it and myself while I pull it out. Heck...if enough soil gets blown away, one doesn't have to even pull...the root will be exposed without effort from me. Sigh! I do not have to do much but stop pushing it back down! 

I imagine my life to look like a garden over run by weeds right now ...some pulled out with roots exposed, others still buried deep. Now that less and less is covered up by a false self...everything seems so messy and chaotic on the surface. It is painful.  Others have to see that now...don't they? I don't want to hide it any longer.  It is hard for me to see how messed up I am but it is so  necessary. I am not going to bury it anymore.  I want the weeds exposed so I can eventually expose the roots of human suffering.  

I need to feel the pain of this debridement  at each layer and the raw vulnerability of exposure before I can clean my garden out once and for all. A clean, clear mind will allow me to fall deeper into Self.  That is where I am heading.  I remind myself of that everytime a layer is removed and I see and feel the roots of  suffering this  "me" is holding.

All is well in my world.

Tara Brach ( January, 2023) Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness-The power of Self Nurturing. https://www.tarabrach.com/trauma-sensitive-mindfulness/

Butter On Water

 A true yogi may remain dutifully in the world; there he is like butter on water, and not like the easily-diluted milk of unchurned and undisciplined humanity. To fulfill one's earthly responsibilities is indeed the higher path, provided the yogi, maintaining a mental involvement with egotistical desires, plays his part as a willing instrument of God.

Yogananda

Hmm! Butter on water? A willing instrument of God? I would like to be like that...floating on top of undisciplined humanity without getting lost in it, being a temporary part of it but not being consumed by  it. 

Of course this statement form Yogananda's An Autobiography of a Yogi echoes the wisdom of Patanjali and of Christ. We are to be in the world but not of it...to keep our head in work and our heart in God. 

We are here to fulfill our earthly responsibilities while remembering who we are and where we come from. That is pretty cool. We are to be a part of this world while we remember that the world is not a part of us. Hmm!

All is well in my world

Parmhansa Yogananda (2015 reprint of the 1946 first edition) Autobiography of a Yogi. Kindle Edition

The Source of Consciousness

 

Man minus man equals God 

Meher Baba

It is so uncanny, how I write an entry.  Some thought will come to me as I practice, read, study, meditate and out of nowhere I will take one line, one word or one thought to the conclusion, "I have to write about that" . That will be my entry.  What happens afterwards is pretty cool...for the next couple of days I will incidentally run into others addressing these same things I just wrote about...even quoting from the people I quoted from. It is so cool when that happens.

Anyway, today I opened up to Michael A. Singer's podcast ( I check it everyday now) and in it,  he is basically talking about the Sutra I wrote about yesterday.  So cool!  Things just connected, reminding me of the "One consciousness" or what Anderson referred to as the "Universal Subconscious Mind". There is only one consciousness. And that one consciousness is God.  Singer is right, though. We need to be very careful using these terms...they get abused and the essence of what lay beneath them gets lost. 

Consciousness has a source and the source is consciousness. Michael A. Singer

Our consciousness, he reminds us, as did Patanjali,  is addicted to staring at little me with all its desires and aversions trying to manipulate and control the world so it feels comfortable. What we are staring at is broken but the light shining on it is not.  We, as consciousness,  are staring  at it so intently, at the exclusion of all else, we get lost in it...we forget we are the light shining on it and not that which the light is shining on.  Our work here is to train the mind to get out of teh way,   so consciousness  shines on Itself. The attention we focus on the "little me" self would be better served if we focused it instead on that which is noticing the little me with all its desires and aversions, all its problems etc.Yoga is something that will help us do that.

Anyway...it is all so cool! 

All is well in my world. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (April 13, 2023) Step back and work directly with consciousness.https://tou.org/talks/

Non-Attachment

 You just don't go into the mind and erase the impressions. But they get themselves erased at one point. When? When you succeed in going within and realizing the peace and joy of your own Self. The moment you understand your self as the true Self, you find peace and bliss that the impressions of the petty enjoyments you experienced before become as ordinary specks of light in front of the brilliant sun. You lose all interest in them permanently.  That is the highest non-attachment. 

Swami Satchidananda 

The above quote comes from a translation of  Sutra 16 in The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, by Sri Swami Satchidananda, (who I discovered, after falling in love with this translation,  was a questionable character, like Osho and other yoga gurus who came to the States. I would like to reflect on the possible motivation of these gurus, later on or in another entry).

Anyway, I digress...Regardless of the sincerity or lack of sincerity that may be  behind these words, they reveal a beautiful truth about the nature of our positive samskaras and our clinging to them.   His translation of this sutra is: When there is non-thirst for even the gunas( constituents of Nature) due to the realization of the Purusa (true Self), that is supreme non-attachment.  page 27. 

Desire Samskaras

I often speak about the samskaras within us that lead to aversion but there are many stored memories and favorable emotional energies within us  that lead us to seek and become attached to certain "outer world" things and pleasant experiences. These can become even more destructive to our Self realization mission than the "negative" ones are. Whereas our painful and unwanted samskaras may reflect the second hindrance buddhists refer to as aversion, these samskaras address the first hindrance and what the Buddha deemed to be the root to all suffering: desire. This is what Patanjali is addressing in his 16th sutra. 

When we desire  the petty things and experiences the physical world provides over our spiritual evolution, we may get lost in seeking them and fail to realize Self.  If we, hower, commit to making Self realization our priority, what we will gain in terms of "pleasure" will far outweigh  what we gain from chasing our worldly desires. This is what is referred to as the highest non-attachment. To detach from these lower self pursuits is vairagya.

Peace

Any peace we may happen to find in our outer world pursuits  will not  sustain us.  It will fall in comparison to that which we will gain when we evolve. When we realize this and  begin our spiritual journey toward Self, and achieve freedom from lower end attachment we will discover   peace but even this peace is just a reflection of the true peace on your tranquil mind. page 28 Once we can hold this peace the true experience will happen automatically. We need not do anything more to get it.

The mind automatically ceases to exist,and all that remains is the original peace and joy which we call God or the Self. Page 28

I would love to be free of all my samskaras, those derived from aversion and those derived from desire attachment, (not by renouncing, as I understand Satchidananda might have  encouraged his followers to do while he did the opposite??), but to know I didn't need these "petty enjoyments" in order  to experience true joy. I would love to be able to "Keep the heart in God, and the head in the world."Page 28. Wouldn't you?

There is a way to enjoy the world fully and completely. How? By seeking God first. 

We can really enjoy the world and even give all the pleasures to our senses.  Nothing needs to be starved. But when?  Only when we have found the source and connected one part of the mind there-then we can enjoy everything. page 29

All is well in my world. 

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali (2011) as translated by Swami Satchidananda. Integral Yoga Publications.

A Poet?

The robins sit back in anticipation,

as the waking world exposes , ever so honestly, 

the remains of Autumn's sacrifices.

Winter is being pulled like a dirty white quilt

from its seasonal bed, 

and the life beneath yawns and stretches

wiping the sleep from its eyes

as I sit here, not writing. 

Me... see link below

 I was thinking about spring and poetry and was reminded of a poem I had published about spring ( about awakening and writing), a few years ago. 

I called myself a poet in the bio of this poem. It never felt completely authentic to call myself that. Am I poet? The  idea of "poet" is conditionally fixed in my mind and I ...as this "little me" do not seem to fit into that ideation.  I feel what I do on paper is "not writing."   I don't see myself in the same light I see Emily Dickinson, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, William Wordsworth, Tennyson &  the Brownings, for example. 

I just write what would be called poems but it doesn't feel like "real writing".   These poems  lack, I am sure , in any artistic genius the above are known for.  I, as the person holding the pen or doing the typing, do not have any great skill.  But it isn't about "me", is it?  In fact, poetry...at least the awkward and unpolished stuff I write,  is more about "me" getting out of the way.  I am like the dirty white quilt of snow being pulled off something beautiful that is waking up inside me. All I, as this "me",  do is feel the urge. Then I step back mentally, as much as possible, and let it all come out.  I let spring emerge. I will tweak a bit here and there after I write but I don't do it to make a great publishable poem or to be a poet.  Poetry is just the way I sometimes  allow stuff  to come out of me.  It is just the way I sometimes speak...my tone of voice; the way I sometimes see with my blurry vision, the way I sometimes think with the busy mind I am desperate to tame....and it is just one way I make  sense of things with my ever changing perspective.   It feels more like "not writing" than writing...

I love poetry for what it does. It is healing and a wonderful step to awakening.  It removes veils,  brings buried truths up to the surface and lays them out in front of this "me" so I see there is so much more to Life...so much more to this being that I am.  It is definitely a type of "soul speak".  But I, as this "me" who writes poems (or "not writes"), am just speaking in a toddler's garbled way. So much I need to learn in order to perfect my soul speech. For that reason, I have a bit of hard time calling myself a poet. 

I do send poems out on rare occasions, with little to no expectation that they will be published. (It shocks me to death when they do get picked up). Why do I send them out if I have little self identity as a poet?  I am not quite sure.  It might have to do with the fact that I have so many poems in my collection, I feel I should "do" something with them before they all rot in obscurity here.  And maybe I want to share the message?  Though the poem itself might be imperfect, messy like the early part of spring, the message revealed from  beneath the melting snow  is worth sharing because it goes beyond this "me" identity. Maybe my soul wants to speak to other souls, even if  this "me"it is speaking through,  hasn't quite mastered the language ? 

Anyway, all is well in my world.