When the deepest part of you becomes engaged in what you are doing, when your activities and actions become gratifying and purposeful, when what you do serves both yourself and others, when you do not tire but seek the sweet satisfaction of your life and your work, you are doing what you are meant to be doing.
Gary Zukav, page 225
In hope of answering the question that plagued me yesterday: Is this stuck feeling just a poke from a disgruntled ego that is losing its control or is it from my spirit telling me I am not spending my precious life in the way that I am meant to? I reached a point, after a lot of self reflection, journal writing, blogging, praying and meditating...where I just said: I don't bloody know!
Not Knowing
I don't know where this stuck feeling is coming from. I don't know if it is ego or soul that is dissatisfied with the way I am presently living my life. Maybe it is both or neither. How would I know? And I felt okay that I didn't know at this point of my life. I don't know much anymore. All I thought I knew at one point...pfff...gone. I truly do have a beginner's mind. I don't know what is true. And I think that is okay. I do not have to struggle to come up with an answer.just to satisfy my analytical ego mind and to put an end to any unease I might be feeling over this confusion. ..I just have to sit back , allow the discomfort of confusion, look deeply into it even and trust that the answer will come when I am ready for it. I will someday discover who is doing most of the directing in my mind. I will make the distinction between what ego wants and what soul needs.
If What is in the Book is True?
I just finished reading Gary Zukav's book The Seat of the Soul. At the end of the study guide on the very last past, he asks us to repeat this question to ourselves everyday. How would I change my life if what were in," The Seat of the Soul", really were true? He doesn't ask you to believe what he writes about is true. He just says, "if" it were true. He seems to understand how the human mind that is addicted to empirical evidence works. I kept asking throughout the book, Like how do you "know" this stuff Gary Zukav? Where does this information and your evidence come from? I mean everything he wrote of in the book "felt" like truth to me whether that is because of the convincing way he wrote or because of something deeper in me that just resonated with everything written. Regardless, if it were true- I don't know if I am living the Life I contracted with the powers of be, if that be a real thing, to live. I don't know if I am honoring my contract, meeting the needs of my soul. How would I change my life then? I don't know.
There is still so much, "I don't know."
All in a Day's Work
What is it that I "do" everyday? I get up in the morning, feed all those who need to be fed, pour myself some tea and sit quietly in a favorite spot ( Whose favorite spot...personality's or soul's? ...I think it just feels right to both to be in a sunny yellow room surrounded by windows that open up to bird covered trees and a lovely landscape?) In this spot, (while I am usually surrounded by furry family members) I read something inspirational, or listen to a dharma talk or some other secular teaching on awakening. I will often take notes so I can write about it later if inspired to do so. A second cup of tea, some breakfast, some sun salutations, and often a bit of walking meditation around the house is added before I sit to meditate. Sometimes I meditate without guidance and sometimes I will meditate with. I try to incorporate some breathing awareness or controlled practice in there as well. This solitary practice takes up about 2-3 hours of my morning depending. Lately my solitude has been interrupted by the needs of my children, or of my four month old grandson ( and Nana's need to hold him as well). I will do a bit of housework...maybe...tidy, dishes, bread in and out of oven, laundry in or out, bed making etc. before I come to my office to write. I usually start writing in my devotional journal, record my dream snippets from the night before, and then I sit down to my blog. I do often veer off from writing into reading what was read by others in the last 24 hours. I like to check for grammatical errors and confusing sentences etc., to see what I have learned from these entries, and to evaluate if others could learn from them. Then with my notes in front of me I write an entry and possibly post a video. I just allow what ever thoughts are there to come out. When I am finished with that I usually feel quite satisfied and too often my writer's need for expression is satiated. It is challenging then to go to other writing or prepare for submission of other stuff. ...but I try. I will get outside with the dogs either for a walk in the woods or out in the yard. I will try to incorporate walking meditation in there. I will return inside, possibly do a video or work on my book or something I am preparing for submission. I prepare supper for all, text, email, ( no social media...I refrain from that) and check in with everyone to see how there day was so far. I either do a private yoga practice in my studio or have a class in the early evening. After that, if I haven't already I will eat supper, do the big clean up, and finish up some writing stuff before retiring to the living room with D. to Netflix binge for a couple of hours while I knit. Then I shower, prepare for bed and read. That is my life for the most part. I do get to visit my daughter, sisters and other grandchildren somedays. I do go to appointments . I am not a shopper so I seldom go to the stores for anything besides groceries. Sometimes I will go out for a meal....but that is it.
Boring???? Productive?? Enough?? For Whom? Soul or Personality?
I suppose someone reading the details of my day would say, no wonder you feel stuck crazy lady? Still my stuck feeling has little to do with what I do in a day (or the lack of doing). If I don't fill my mind with comparisons to others or with expectations about what I should be doing...I am perfectly okay with the flow of my day. I am not one to feel bored too often and if I do get bored I am usually okay with the feeling and do my best to learn from it by looking deeply into it for a cause. My "contentment" with this day to day flow makes me wonder, however, if there is something wrong with me lol. Is there not more to Life that I should be wanting? Should I be "doing" more? Is this enough for my soul? My personality? Neither or both?
The Soul is Engaged
As silly as it may seem I can say that I feel the deepest part of me is engaged fully in my daily practice and my writing. My spiritual practice, my yoga, and my writing/teaching in some awkward way feels purposeful and gratifying. I feel very satisfied when I learn something new about connecting to the deeper part of me, when I can write about it or share it. I feel the compulsion to come to my blog every morning as if it were the classroom I was heading toward again. It is like my work. My day does not feel complete unless I get an entry in. It never seems tiring to me. It is deeply satisfying even though I do not get an ounce of external gratification for it. My intention is to have it serve others but I am not sure if it does. It does , for sure, serve me in some deep way I cannot explain. So yeah...as boring and unproductive as my day may seem to others, I am doing what I am meant to be doing. Hmm!
I would say my soul is engaged but is my personality?
The personality that is engaged in the work of its soul is buoyant. It is not burdened with negativity. It does not fear. It experiences purposefulness and meaning. It delights in its work and in others. It is fulfilled and fulfilling. page 225
I guess, I am feeding my soul but is my personality bouncing along happily with it? It is much more buoyant than it ever was but is it light and buoyant enough? It is not "burdened" with negativity but it is still certainly negative at times. Though I do my best to confront fear and have subdued it so much over the course of my life, especially with the help of my daily practice, fear is still lingering around. Though my personality does love to write, practice yoga, teach, and it does find fulfillment and meaning in it, it also likes to get paid, to be externally rewarded, read etc. Sigh. It is not delighted in the fact that I have little to no readership, and that I am struggling to get by financially.
How would I change my life if what were in," The Seat of the Soul", really were true? page 331
I guess I would find some way to make my personality more buoyant and in line with what my soul wanted. So maybe the question for me would be, How can I gratify my personality while I continue to meet the needs of my soul?
This excerpt gets me thinking: Yet what if what you are doing is more appropriately regarded in a social sphere rather than an economic one? In other words, what if the enterprise that you seek to develop is more appropriately a way to an avenue that you have not yet recognized? It is now deadlocked because it cannot go down its appropriate path, for you have your hand on a door you insist upon opening that will go nowhere? page 227
I might not need to get my personality on board. Maybe the Universe has something in store for my writing that the personality cannot even consider. It may never be rewarded externally but it may still be taking me somewhere. Maybe it will take me, if no where else, to the one thing I really want, awakening.
Will have to think about that one for a while. In the mean time we all need to follow this advice:
Let go of what you think is just reward. Let go. Trust. Create. Be who you are. The rest is up to your non physical teachers and to the universe.
...Thy will be done! page 228
All is well.
Gary Zukav (1989/2014)The Seat of the Soul. New York: Simon and Schuster.
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