Are you able to do your daily duty without effort , or are you affected by it?
Yoga Vasistha, Location 637
I am not quite sure what my "daily duties " are these days but I am obviously still affected by what I "do or "don't do". I feel a bit of a tightening in my gut...a bit of a tension in my shoulders as I sit here. I had begun, like I tend to do each day, reading what was read over the last 24 hours and that is when I noticed the tightening. I had looked at the clock to see that it was already 1130 and realized the morning was over and I have yet to write a word. That is when the tightening became even more apparent.I felt restlessness and worry/regret and I want to explore why?
I was about to proceed with the unconscious flow of energy that I usually flow with just because that is what "I do"....when the body started knocking at the door of my psyche with "Yahooo...hey you up there...is this really what you want to do...read what others read for the next 30 minutes?...By the time you finish, will you have any of that "inspiration" you sat down with still vibrating enough for you to heed it? You came here to write, to do the "soul's work" possibly...(if that is not too much of a stretch)....not to feed the ego, not to get lost once again in "desire". Be mindful of your intentions! Be mindful of your intentions!"
I am feeling restless because my intentions seem to be conflict.
Hmmm!
What are my intentions?
Every experience, and every change in your experience reflects an intention. An intention is not only a desire. It is the use of your will. Zukav, page 91
My morning passed so far with the greatest intentions. I felt like I was sticking with the plan. My major intention, at this point of my life, is to awaken, to get to a higher level of understanding, to free myself of a need to run after that which I erroneously assume will make me happy or to spend my days resisting that which I erroneously believe will make me suffer more. I want to be free of the mind's control. I do not need to wrestle my poor mind to the ground and pin it down...but I want to be detached from the crazy things it does. I want to approach each moment without judgement, expectation and a need to know what will happen next! I want to see clearly that "I" am not what my mind does. So that is how I "intend" to start every morning...reflecting on this truth, examining my mind a little bit and detaching from the crazy things it does, pondering words of wisdom that come from other sources before turning inward to find that truth within myself ( past the level of mind activity). That is my morning in a nutshell...to do that I try to incorporate some Tai Chi (just recently back to doing five minutes a day), yoga: Sun Salutations, and some walking meditation. Then I listen to some wise teachers on Youtube who, for some reason, I trust. I read. Right now I am rereading and doing my best to truly understand what Gary Zukav wrote about in, The Seat of the Soul. For some reason, I feel compelled to simultaneously read, a translation of the Yoga Vasistha. trying to connect dots of wisdom. I don't swallow everything I take in without digesting it. I let it brew inside me for a bit before I decide if it is something I will keep or let go of. Then I meditate.
Seeking Harmony
Now, there really is nothing wrong with this...I am seeking harmony of the mind, aren't I? :
When harmony is established in the mind, it will naturally follow that one will want to do good deeds and read good books pertaining to the truth.
The Yoga Vasistha ( Location 443)
That is how I pass most of my morning hours before coming here. Lately it has just been taking more of my time. ...and I seem to be coming here later in the day. For some reason that unsettles me...and that may have more to do with my ego than my deeper motivation. Ego still wants to be productive and "do"...measuring its success and failures by how much I get done in a day and how quickly and efficiently I get it done. It does not know how to account for the first three hours of my day spent doing what others might consider, "nothing"...and wants to make up for it with some show of productive measurement. If I come here and write something significant from all the "nothing" work I did in the morning, than that will turn that "nothing" into "something". (Well...so it likes to tell itself) Sigh!
Conflict of Intention
Still tangled up and that is what I felt in my belly and shoulders this morning...this sense of being tangled up in ego's web...still. I am still operating, at least partially, from what Zukav would describe as a "splintered personality".A splintered personality experiences the circumstances within its life as more powerful than itself. page 92 I still have conflicting intentions, it seems. What my spirit wants, ego/personality is still not sure it wants?
Intentions are powerful. They set in motion processes that affect every aspect of our lives. What I do here every morning prior to writing is so important to me...so important to the deeper part of me, even if ego has yet to see its significance. I need to remind myself of that and to be constantly on guard , knowing that what I really, really want will only be found through the intention of being committed to my morning practice. I intend freedom and awareness...I am committed to the practice. Someday, personality will be too.
I am not sure if the restlessness I feel is totally due to this. I will explore farther but for now I focus on my intentions.
All is well.
Gary Zukav (1989/2014) The Seat of the Soul. New York: Simon and Schuster
The Yoga Vasistha/Translated by Rishi Singh Gherwal (2021) Kindle Edition
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