Good Friday

 The dripping blood our only drink,

The bloody flesh our only food: 

In spite of which we like to think

That we are sound, substantial flesh and blood-

again, in spite of that, we call this Friday good. 

T.S. Eliot

I am sitting here on a rainy Good Friday. A distant voice from my past rings inside me saying, "You should be in church."  Today I am actually supposed to be at a funeral but becasue of this lingering COVID cough that doesn't seem to want to go away, I decided against it. But that is not the voice I am hearing when I am being reprimanded for not being at church. It is the voice of my parents, I am hearing,  the voice of all the nuns who taught me Catechism over the  years, the voice of my neighbors, my community, reminding me that it is Good Friday, the most sacred day on the Catholic calendar.  Though it is diminishing in its "guilt-driven" power over me, that voice will likely never go away. 

I grew up in a very strict Catholic household.  The Church was everything. (Yep...we didn't say "church", we grew up saying, The Church). On Good Friday we would go to the basilica  in the morning to say the stations of the cross...meaning we would walk around to 14 stone carvings,  each representing a moment in the Passion of the Christ, depicted as a scene on the wall.  At each station we were to recite a few practiced prayers, and then "think about" what Christ went through for our sins. We were to make at least three revolutions around the stations. ..before kneeling at the altar. Then we would leave the church, only to return again for the 3 PM service where the priests would pretty much act out the Passion of the Christ through a very long gospel. It was always such a sad and somber day, long and "boring" as a child. We were not allowed to play, not allowed to eat meat or to break fast until the fish we got to eat at supper. I remember that.  But it is also a day for gathering  round a good feed of fish and chips.

I don't go to church but I do eat fish. Fish on Good Friday became one of those traditions I held onto.  It is something we all look forward to every year but so do most of the people in my community, making the ability to get a good feed of fish and chips a challenge on this day.     My father would say I was selecting  the "easiest" traditions to adhere to and not doing what my conscience, my heart and soul wanted me to do.

Hmm!  I think my heart and soul are okay with just keeping this Good Friday ritual of  the fish ( well for now I am starting to feel the twinges of guilt for eating fish).  My conscience is pretty clear. The guilt that would plague me if I did not go to church, did not take part in the rituals and sacraments was once overwhelming.  I was also terrified, so sure I would be spending eternity in the place where no B-B Q is never necessary, every time I skipped out.  Though my original motivations for stepping away from the conditioning of my past was purely selfish and partially unconscious: I didn't want to bother.  It was so much work and it never made me feel better.  I also  hated the "guilt"...my motivations have changed. It doesn't suit my spiritual need anymore, purely personal.  

I have no battle  with the church...I see it as a collective energy needing to express its beliefs and connectedness through ritual and sacrament.  It definitely doesn't have the greatest history as an organized religion in as far as the damage that was done, and in which it may be still lacking accountability...but it does have its beauty and its goodness.  Many, many people within its congregation and clergy have nothing but pure compassion and Love in their hearts. Many find the peace and solace they need through the church. So I am not, by any means, calling down the church or organized religion in general. I am not suggesting that people should walk away from the religions and traditions of their past like I did.  (I didn't even really walk away, I just let it slip out of my grip...like beach sand through the gaps in my fingers.) At the same time, I encourage people to look deeply into and question everything.  When I did that...that is when I discovered a need for more.

I still very much love and do my best to adhere to the teachings of Christ. I just see so much similarity between what He taught and what other teachers taught.  I don't see that there is just  one faith or one church that is "right", making all other faiths "wrong". I can't think like that anymore.

So on this Good Friday, I may not walk up all the stairs of the Basilica.  I may not worship as a Catholic.  But I still pray and think of what Christ has done for us.  I have great reverence...and then I eat fish and chips.  Hmm!  

All is well in my world.