Seeking out, facing with courage, and bringing into the Light of consciousness that which is unconsciousness, and, therefore in a position of power over the personality, is what heals.
Gary Zukav, page 186
Blocked by the Unseen
Yesterday, we talked about our tendency to be mental hoarders. (Well "we" didn't speak about it...I rambled on about it lol. Sometimes, in this new teaching platform I have adopted here for the sheer purpose of learning, I feel like I am back in the classroom opening up a lecture. Forgive me when some of that old habit energy resurfaces. ) Let me begin again...I, with this clump of flesh and overactive mind I call "Me", addressed the issue of how we often stuff the emotional energy of events inside us and how that energy can get covered up by the messy piles of the mind to the point we forget it is still there. So even when we turn around to face the mess in our minds we may not see that there is a hidden issue jamming up the flow of precious Life energy to us and through us, making us unwell in more ways than one. Because this hidden thing is unconscious, it has power over us. We really need to draw it out into the Light so we can heal from it.
I have been feeling blocked lately, blocked in my writing, blocked in my ability to feel the degree of peace I long to feel in my present life circumstances and blocked in my ability to grow and expand beyond them. The external appearance of my Life right now is just a reflection of this "blocked" feeling. "My life" doesn't seem to be expanding because I am not.
A Loosely Buried Trauma
I have been trying over the last few weeks to understand what that blocked energy is and where it is coming from. Today, after praying and asking for help to determine this, I was reminded of my health seeking journey. There is so much unprocessed stuff inside, so much pain, so much shame and a sense of being victimized. I lost so much, suffered so much, all because of a very unfair assumption based on the unconscious needs of others to protect and preserve ego and what they thought as theirs.
Around is Not Through
Though I can truly say that I believe all this happened for a reason , that it was leading me to a higher state of being and that I am so grateful for it...there is still a great deal of trauma to the personality that I have not processed through. At the time...survival and caring for children who needed me was where my attention had to go. On top of that there was one crisis after another that took me away. I had no time to process all the emotional energy related to this trauma...and yes I am going to call it a trauma. (The fact that I cannot mention my heart condition now to someone without blushing in shame or mention the name of certain doctors without cringing and the fact that I would rather go without eating than deal with an insurance company again...is an indication of just how much trauma there was).
So much pain and I couldn't just let it flow through me at the time so it got jammed up inside. I had to push away, stuff down, ignore, deny and pretend it didn't bother me when it was in some subtle way actually killing me. I found a temporary way around it, I did, so I could find some semblance of peace and I am so grateful for that but for true healing to occur we need to go through suffering not around it. Pushing this aside and stuffing it down so I could get around it did not make it go away. It is still there. And as I begin to deal with the present events of my life now in a healthier way by opening the windows and allowing all that energy to just blow through as it comes in...the piles are getting smaller and this issue is coming up to the surface. It is on the top of the pile. I can hear a soft voice within me saying "It is time to deal with me now dear."
An Inspiration For Healing
I am not saying this is the only reason for my blocks right now but it is the one at the surface asking to be dealt with. I know what I have to do. I had the inspiration so clear today. In order to cope with some of the intensity of this when it first began I wrote a book about it ( well about some of it...I wrote it in the early phases of dealing with this issue). It poured out of me in a couple of months, so needing to be told was this story...not for anybody else but for me. It was okay by my standards, not great, but I sent it out to a few publishers . Though it didn't get published I got very, very encouraging and personal notes back to continue trying to get this published. I was told by publishers it was definitely a story that needed to get published and if they could they would publish it. Well I was still dealing with this major issue at the time and other life circumstances came in ...so trying harder to get this book published got pushed aside. ( I am not a fan of the submission process) .
Well today I saw in my mind this book, which originally only covered a small part of the trauma, covering all of it, telling the whole story and under a new name. I saw it written much better than I wrote it originally . Most importantly, I saw me releasing all this blocked energy onto the page as I rewrote it...healing with every word....seeking out, facing with courage and bringing to the Light of consciousness that which was unconscious.
Maybe the reason why I had such a challenging time writing or rewriting anything else was because this story needed to be told first. Before I could write about or heal from other trauma, I had to process through this one. Maybe...and I don't know...that under this trauma is another calling out for my attention on that pile. Maybe my healing, my writing will require a top of the pile to the bottom of the pile type of cleansing. One thing at a time.
I don't know...but it feels like the "right" direction to go in. We will see.
All is well in my world.
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