Henry Kissinger ( Brainy quotes)
When the Body speaks
Back is still acting up but it is better...as long as I do not bend down or get up suddenly...it is all good. I just want to know what it is trying to tell me?
Unlike my cardiac condition it carries another message ...and though its voice is not as frightening...it is probably more persistent. I figure its reprimand has something to do with the fact that I am not still enough, not listening enough.
The body is putting me in a position where I have to be still. It knows I remain a bit stuck in my head...thinking, thinking, thinking, asking, asking, asking but I don't stop, close my eyes and sit silently waiting for an answer. :) (In all fairness though...it was a meditation that got me into this mess in the first place lol.)
I still try to keep busy with doing as well: I write, submit, putter around here, make sure everyone is at least fed if I cannot do much for cleaning up after them other than some laundry and some dishes. I even attempted to clean the yard yesterday...was able to pick up some garbage but that was about it. What should have been a 5-10 minute job took me over 40 minutes. Despite the pain...I keep going until I spasm up and can't move at all. My back is telling me to slow down and do less.
It is also telling me to avoid sitting for long periods. I spasm up if I am in a chair for more than a few minutes at a time. The big thing, I discovered, is not to sit on the couch or in any chair for too long. So my writing flow is sporadic and interrupted by many trips to the kitchen or up and down the hall.
Am I being told not to write? To take a break? I look at my writing as the only thing that is keeping me sane these days lol...Am I being told to stop trying to hold on to something that was never there in the first place (my sanity)? I don't know. It's all good though. In fact, I am even a little excited about the learning that this opportunity offers me.
Learning in Pain
That is why I am boring you with this rampage about my back and sitting longer than I should to get it all down. I want to remind you and me there is learning in pain...and when the body breaks down there is a certain amount of humility that is good for the soul.
I am reminded that my body is only a vehicle that I drive. I didn't take the greatest care of it in my reckless pursuits down the bumpiest roads of life. I didn't nurture or appreciate it enough. I drove it too hard. I chose the roads with all the potholes and left the smooth highways to the others I assumed were more deserving.
Either I didn't listen to its rattles and the squeals enough or I made too much of those abnormal noises as justification for where I was in life. I blamed my body for slowing me down, for not being able to go fast enough to keep up with the Mario Andretti's of the world.
I took it to the shop from time to time but I was never assertive enough with the mechanics. I was never sure myself if I had a right to be there. Oh I asked people to look at its wear and tear and feel sorry for me because of it at some points in my life. I exploited the hanging bumpers and rusted door frames, the cracks in the windshield.
Too often I asked others to take over the driving and blamed them or my body for not getting me to where it is I am headed. At the same time I had no idea where I was going. It was only recently in my waking up process that I realized that I was always the driver and as the driver I called the shots. Though I may not be able to control what is happening around me, I can control how I drive through it. Most importantly, I can control the direction in which I go.
Where are you going?
Where are you going? Do you know where you want to go?
Are you heading in the right direction and are you enjoying the experience?
What type of a road are you choosing...the bumpy old back roads or the highways with no scenic value but that get you there faster?
Do you know that there is another route to go besides the bumpy or the fast...a smooth road that offers the beautiful scenery the world has to offer as you journey?
Are you taking care of your body along the way so it functions well enough to get you there? Do you appreciate it? Are you listening to the squeals and the rattles, paying attention to the cracks and the rust without being overly consumed by them?
Do you take accountability for yourself as the driver or are you blaming the mechanics, the drivers you hired, the vehicle you are in or the world around you for driving you around in circles?
I am the Driver
I know I am right where I am right now ( probably stuck in this chair lol) because I put myself here. Without judgment, or blame...without a need for pity or guilt...I pull over to the side of the road for a bit and pull out my GPS. I need to make sure I have the right destination in there.
Where am I going? To a place that brings peace and joy, love and happiness. I choose another route than the one I am on right now. I put my blinker on...make a U turn and head in another direction. I take the next exit to that smooth and scenic route.
Once on that road to feeling better...I just have to sit back and trust that my vehicle will get me there. I look around at the amazing world and I enjoy the ride.
All is well in my world.
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