Just imagine becoming the way you used to be as a very young child, before you understood the meaning of any word, before opinions took over your mind. The real you is loving, joyful and free.  The real you is just like a flower, just like the wind, just like the ocean, just like the sun.
Don Miguel Ruiz (Author of the Four Agreements)

Imagine that.  Imagine being free of the good and not so good opinion of others like we were as children.  Back then in those early, early years of our development we were oblivious to other opinion, were we not?  We knew who we were without the need to think it or use words to describe it. Words and thoughts can get in the way of our beingness, can they not?  

Other opinion and our own limited ego opinion prevent us from realizing who we really are.  Have I said that enough?  I know...I know...I keep trying to wrap up this focus on relating to others but I guess...I still haven't said what I wanted to say...still didn't express myself enough.  I still do not feel the relief  I feel when I have succeeded at making a point...usually to myself in a way that clears a path for me to go forward.

I am struggling personally to get beyond other opinion right now and though I feel like I have grown so much and accomplished so much...I have a difficult time with dealing with negative opinion especially if it affects me in such an enormous way as this does...especially if it interferes with my ability to get well. The fact that the opinion is based...not on truths...but on unfair assumption and judgments about me that are unfounded...should make it easier .  In some ways it does.  Yet here I am stuck in the mud of other judgment.  Why?

When I realize that I am being judged by another I usually mentally put myself through this quick process:

• I clarify that negative judgments are indeed being made and that it isn't just in my head and my own distorted perception of the situation.  I spend time here evaluating the circumstances.  I examine if I am overreacting.  Where am I at the moment...emotionally?  Am I feeling insecure enough to assume negativity towards me when there is none?  Am I actually attacking myself here? Is Shamer playing tricks with my head again? Is it creating drama?  Do I catch myself wanting to stay in self pity and looking for reasons to do so?  How do I speak to others about this ( usually indicates if I am in drama mode or not lol) ?  If I determine that it isn't all my paranoia or distorted perception...I ask, "What evidence do I have that I am being judged unfairly? " I will confront the individuals if need be to seek more clarification.
• Once I decide that ...it is happening I ask myself, how much does it matter?  How much will this other opinion affect my life? If it matters little...meaning that the person's opinion is not that important to me anymore and that it is easy for me to walk away without consequences...  I let it go. The consequences I speak of are those that go beyond the ego.  The ego is going to be stung by even the most minor of negative opinion and inflamed it will push  me to be offended and stay stuck...But beyond ego is where I try to go so I know just how valuable or inconsequential this opinion really is.  If I cannot walk away without consequence or if the person 's opinion is valuable to me...I proceed to the next step.
• I seek the truth in the judgement or the opinion and I take accountability for it.  There will always be a morsel of truth, at least, in every judgment.  What is the truth in what they are saying or thinking?  Have I done anything at all to deserve such an opinion?  As hard as it may be to accept, can I learn and grow from their opinion or judgement?  I will collect the truths and if confrontation ensues over the situation I will gladly express that truth back to the persons involved, "You are right...I have done this or that etc..." That doesn't mean I concede to their opinion of me and find truth in all of it...but I, for my own sense of power and growth...admit to the painful bits of truth that may exist within their judgment. If there is a lot of truth or if it is all truth...I take the time I need to process the information, assimilate it and then when I am ready, I thank the person for their opinion and for helping me to grow into a better person. (Not like that is going to happen all at once lol...I usually start out as defensive and angry as a beast stung by a hornet...but I pull back and gain my bearings before reacting...or I try to at least. ) I apologize if I have done anything to hurt them. The person may or may not change their mind about me and I work on accepting that and letting it go.  If there is little or no  truth in what they have to say....
• I attempt to express myself honestly and openly once again.  I stand up for myself. If the consequences of that opinion affect me adversely or if I am in a situation where there is no way of escaping the negativity of the other person...I will do what I can to gain power by expressing the truth.  That is all I usually have at that point to give me power...the truth. I collect evidence of my truth...more for my own sake than theirs because I know how easy it can be to start believing that the other is right about you, especially if Shamer is taking part in the game. I examine the truth.  I validate it.  I own it before confronting the other person.
• I try to deal with my anger in a positive way.  At this point, I think it is very normal to feel angry.  If someone's opinion of you is affecting your life in a negative way...preventing you from getting what you need or what is yours and is not based on fact...it is normal to feel angry.  I know, however, that anger only truly hurts the person who owns it...so I try to find a way to express it that will help me release it, help me to make my point and help me to help others at the same time.  I ask myself: How would I feel if I saw these people judging someone else the way they are judging me?  Would I want to stop it? If the answer is yes...
• I depersonalize my investment in the other person's opinion of me and I seek the greater good. I take it way from "little me" focus...to a humanity focus.  That gives me even more courage, strength and power. Not only do I stand up for myself.  I stand up for others who could be impacted by such opinion.
• I warn the person or people involved that I am on a mission. I tell them I will stand up until I get knocked down.  I fully accept the fact that I might.  And I tell them if I get knocked down I will express my truth to all.
• I stop seeing them as villains. I try to understand where they are coming from and I forgive them.  I do not seek to hurt them or avenge myself.  I just stay committed to doing what I said I was going to do.
• I accept whatever happens after that.  I let go of my attachment to the consequences knowing that I did all I could do with negative opinion.  I leave the rest to God...knowing that no one can really hurt me, can they?  I am like the flower, the wind, the ocean and the sun...beyond the opinion of others and myself.

All is well in my world!

Ruiz, D.M. (2010). The Four Agreements.  San Rafael: Amber-Allen Publishing