Be independent of the good opinion of other people.
Abraham Maslow


Self actualization is that wonderful goal we as humans strive for. According to the famous humanist psychologist, Abraham Maslow, self actualization involves being independent of the need for others to like us.  Though we are social animals and are here to support one another...we need to realize we are more than the egos that define many of our social relationships. (1985) In a sense, actualization  is "waking up" to the truth of who we are beyond our personalities  Awareness is key in dealing with social groups during our awakening process.  We need to be aware of how we feel when we are around certain people; when we no longer belong or fit in to a social group because of the changes we are experiencing; and what to do about it.  Sometimes that doing involves stepping peacefully and lovingly away from a specific person or group  temporarily or permanently and often into the unconditional, soothing world of solitude, nature and our animal friends.

 

Be Aware of How You Feel

How do you feel when you are around the people in your life?  Do you feel safe and warm and comfortable enough around particular people to be yourself and to speak your mind?  Do you feel a little timid around others...forcing a smile on your face as you politely answer them in the way you think they want you to answer them? Are there people you laugh a lot  with when you are around them?  Who do you have the most fun with?  Are there people you tend to find yourself on the defensive with?  Do you walk away from certain individuals or groups feeling pumped up, confident, alive?  Are there others you walk away from feeling drained, unheard, and devalued? So many of  us aren't aware how we respond to the energy ( thoughts, feelings, words and behaviours) of those we spend our precious time with.  If you want to take that important step towards self actualization, it is time to put your emotional meter on.  Be aware of how you feel in the presence of others.

 

Are these people still a good fit for you?

 

Once you know who you find yourself at your best around and who you may find yourself less than healthy around, it is time to ask the important question:  Is being in the presence of this person or group of people good  for me?  Remember it is all about feeling good.  You need to be around people who you tend to feel good around, that you can be your best self with.  Now...of course things have to be considered in this decision.  You do not want to walk permanently  away from people just because they or  you are having a bad day or a bad time.   Consider this question  carefully.  It is okay to ask: Is it me? And many times it is.  Many times it is our perception and  reaction to others that is distorted, not them.  Some times we are in a funk and looking for someone to blame for that funk so we choose the people around us to be the reason why we feel bad.  Sometimes they may be having a bad day or a bad period and be especially needy or negative...that's okay too...You are not going to throw the people you care about away just because you do not feel good around them from time to time.  It is when  you feel devalued, drained, not heard, dismissed, alone in the same room with them, neglected , criticized, abused,  angry, defensive and just plain "bad' consistently or for  most of the time with certain people...that it may be time to walk away temporarily or even permanently from their company. Sometimes the decision can be made for you.  You will notice that occasionally individuals or  groups may be gradually or suddenly  cutting you out of their circle because they have determined that you no longer belong.  Maybe your life situation has changed so much the members can no longer relate to you.  Maybe in your awakening...you have been judged as a little too out there for the group to understand lol.  It happens. When it does...being around these people and trying to "fit in" will not   make you feel good. 

 

What to do when it no longer fits

 

When you are sure, and only when you are absolutely sure that the presence of certain people in your life or your membership in a particular group no longer fits your intention to feel good you need to make the decision to walk away.  Walking away does not have to be a permanent thing...maybe you just need a bit of space and distance from that person to regain your bearings.  Maybe they need some space away from you. Absence does make the heart grow fonder in many cases...especially in those important relationships like spousal or family connection. It is often recommended that you do the temporary trial before you commit to a permanent absence.  That is why most divorce petitions  will not be heard in court until after a period of trial separation. Walking away can  also simply be the creation of a mental or emotional space between you and the other person...where you pull back your attention from the individual and remove your personal agendas and attachment from  their behaviour and their choices.  Or it can be a physical walking away into a different geographical space. Whatever it involves, know that it is okay to walk away to regain your strength and to preserve yourself.  It is okay to love yourself enough that you make feeling good your number one priority.  It is only when you feel good, that you can be your best self and being your best self is the most precious gift you can give another.

 

 

Where to go when you walk away

 

Whether you are choosing a permanent or a temporary separation from people...there really is only one direction to go...inward.  If true "other" healing is going to take place, it may not be wise to fly into the arms of another lover or to another friend or group who is looking for the drama of hearing about all the rotten things the others  did to you.  It may be tempting but it isn't healing. You do not begin where you left off.  If you do not heal...patterns will repeat themselves and you will find yourself smack dab in the middle of another relationship like the one you just left.   If you are looking for that self actualization that Maslow writes about...you do so independently of the good opinion of others. You go inward.  Solitude offers a precious route to healing and nature provides  an amazing venue.  Take some alone time in nature to find what you are really looking for...that you thought you would find in the presence of others...yourself.  Of course, a few four legged creatures by your side, offering their unconditional love,  as you tramp down the trails to a happier and healthier you, makes the adventure all the more worthwhile.

 

 

All is well in my world.

 

References:

Maslow, A. (1985) Self -Actualization. Audio Cassette. Soundworks.