Removing the Sense of Obligation

 

Relationships based on obligation lack dignity.

Wayne Dyer

I am so tired today and I feel a familiar knot in my belly related to the expectations of others that, even after all my practice, I still feel obligated to meet when  I didn't sign up for any of it. 

Feeling Obligated and Anxious

It is just a pick- up later this afternoon but it involves driving in what my mind judges as "an uncomfortable zone"...one of the  places I tend to avoid driving  for a hundred silly reasons.  My own children know better than to ask me to drive there.  My siblings, knowing me, often volunteer to drive me there if I need to get there.   I openly express, with some degree of shame, to others ( including those in my household) ,  how I am not comfortable  driving there of all places, that even the mere thought of it will produce a certain degree of anxiety in me and an extreme desire to avoid the experience for hours before hand. For that reason, I outwardly and with a great deal of assertion refused to drive there last week.  

I am expected, however,  to pick up this person today. I was not assertive enough, I guess , after I heard someone volunteering my service, when I said, "I do not want to pick him up there...I can pick him up elsewhere but not there.  The thought of  having to do so will eat at me all day. " 

To  which, the response was, "Yeah, I know.  I will let you know later if you have to pick him up."...as the person left the house. 

Confronting Fear Because of Obligation? 

Now, I know how totally irrational this little fear is.  I know how it would seem so silly to others who do not have the memories and learning  I have stored inside me of how quickly near fatal accidents can happen  or who do not have the same core beliefs I have. I know that my reaction to driving challenge is way over and beyond the reactions of most people. I know my fear is irrational. I also know that confronting, rather than avoiding, is the answer to such fears and I do do that at times. I have faced this fear many times and I know I can  drive there but it it is a white knuckle drive usually following hours of obsessive thinking about it.  It requires a lot of energy and preparation and it takes so much out of me to do it. Despite what I have told myself..."Each time you confront this fear it will get smaller and eventually it will go away."...it isn't getting much smaller. Avoiding is never the answer but...but...this confrontation has to be done on my terms, not someone else's.  

So,  when I am expected to confront this fear to serve someone who may not appreciate my efforts and who I, perceive, may be  quicker to remember what I do not do for him rather than what I do...it creates a whole knot of aversion and ill will within my body and mind, mixed up with the anxiety.  The challenge becomes even bigger than it has to be. The knot within my gut grows. The big boulder in my mind gets bigger preventing me from thinking and seeing clearly. It stresses me out and makes me sick.

Unhealthy Obligation Versus Unhealthy Anxiety

Sometimes the anxiety is bigger than the over-exaggerated sense of responsibility and obligation I have for others and sometimes the sense of obligation is bigger than my irrational fears. Both are unhealthy and not serving me.

I do genuinely wish to reduce my sense of "me-ness" and to  serve others in a compassionate and kind way.  Sometimes, however, that desire goes too far and I begin to see it as an obligation... I begin to feel   obligated to meet, not only the needs of others, but their desires, as well. I find myself in situations where I am denying  my own needs in order to "gratify" the desires of others. Hmm! That is not compassion, that is enabling.  That is not wholesome action for Self or for the other person. It becomes even more unwholesome when resentment is involved. 

So, I, sitting with this knot in gut and mind, begin to question my sense of obligation more than my anxiety. I had this inner conversation.:

 I asked myself, "Do you think it is wise to waste all this energy and to stew in these toxic feelings just because you feel obligated to do something you really do not want to do?" 

The answer was "No!".  

Then I asked ,"Sure, confronting a fear is a wise course  of action, but is it so wise when the only reason you  do so is because you feel so much resentful obligation? "

" No! " 

"Is resentment healthy in any relationship? Is it a tool of compassionate service?"

"No." 

"What would be the kindest thing you could do for others in this situation?"

"Remove the resentment, derived from the sense of obligation  that only I can place on myself." 

"What is the kindest thing you can do for you in this situation?"

"Remove the  pressure to confront a fear and  the guilt induced doing brought on by this sense of obligation." .  

"Without this sense of obligation, would you choose this  time to  confront this fear?" 

"No".  

" So?"  

"I will inform the individuals involved that I will not be doing the pick-up."

Sigh...the knot has unraveled within me and not just because I feel the relief of avoiding a fear inducing drive  but because this level of assertion gives me back my power to choose when and how I confront my fears. It frees me and my relationship with these individuals , as well,  from the strangulating claws of resentment . 

All is well!

Yin and Yang

Our civilization is longing, without knowing it, to return to the roots, to the being dimension.

Eckhart Tolle

Are you familiar with this symbol?:

It is a Taoist symbol that shows the interconnections and inter-being between all things we seem to label as "opposites".  In Buddhist terms it would, I suppose, represent the idea of equanimity. 

Balance Between Yin and Yang

Yin is the black section representing the feminine energy  of  darkness/night and the freezing tendency of heaven/space . Yang is the white section representing the masculine energies and boiling tendencies of earth.  Both are equal in their distribution in this circle, meaning one does not have more space or more importance than the other. For this to be a true Yin/Yang distribution of Chi, they must  exist in balance and harmony.  

Predominate but not Completely Yin or Yang

In the white section there is a black dot; in the black section there is a white dot, indicating the presence of feminine energy in the masculine, and masculine energy in the feminine.  Though Yin is predominately dark and chilly in its heaven like nature, there is still the light and warmth of earth in its nature. It has some grounding, some solidity.  Though Yang is predominately light and warm in its earthiness, there is still the darkness and airiness of heaven in its nature. It has some connection with the ethereal. 

Interdependence

Without Yin, there would be no Yang.  Without Yang, there would be no Yin. Their existence depends upon the other. Without darkness, there wold be no light.  Without cold, there would be no heat. Without heaven, there would be no earth .  Without feminine, there would be no masculine. 

The Human Yin and Yang

When I look at this circle I sense that the black Yin represents the invisible and formless realm of our existence, our "spiritual" nature. The "being" part of a human being. When I look at Yang I sense the matter and form that makes up our existence, the "human" part of a human being. Eckhart Tolle, in the video below,  tells us  that the Yin could represent  our being tendency and  Yang , our doing tendency.

There are very, very few people in the world who are completely balanced between the "human" and the "being". 

Hmmm!  If that were the case where do you see yourself aligning at this time in your life?  Are you more Yang?   Are you more grounded to earth, dependent on science and matter,  determining what is real by that which can be observed with the five senses?   Are you a doer and a thinker? Well if you are, you are very normal.  Most of us in today's society are leaning heavily toward the Yang. 

Or are you more Yin? Are you finding that you just might not fit in as well as you used to or that you never really fit in at all because your natural tendency is to be rather than do?  Do you feel a strong connection with heaven, silence, stillness...all that which cannot be seen or picked up by the five senses? Are you more "creative" than "productive"? More "intuitive" than "analytical"?

Now, in true Yin-Yang harmony in the natural world...neither is better or more powerful than the other.  Both are also intricate parts of the experience of being a "human being".  Instead of denying or competing with the other version, just recognize it in yourself.  If you are a doer, a Yang dominated person, you still have a part of you that longs to just be. Do not ignore that black dot within you.  Honor that part of you. If you are a "be-er" or a Yin dominated person, you still have a part of you that needs to do. Honor that white dot. Honor and nurture the Yin-and the Yang in you.

The Disharmony in the Collective Circle 

There needs to be balance in this circle.  According to Tolle, there is a lack of balance in the collective circle of Yin-Yang.  Our culture and societies have conditioned us from very early a es to develop the Yang at the exclusion of the Yin.  We have become compulsive doers and thinkers and have forgotten our natural tendencies and desires to just be. We fail to look beyond form to the formless, beyond earth to heaven.  Our human circle is definitely out of balance.

We need more Yin...more Yin dominated people to step up so that others follow. Hmm!

I am, and have always been more Yin and I always felt guilty and out of the loop because I was not more Yang. I want to express my Yin-ness and at the same time recognize and honor that a smaller section of me is Yang. I want to "be" more than I "do"...but I do know I still have to do.  If I step up to the plate...maybe others like me will drop their false Yang natures and honor who they are to create a more harmonized collective circle.  

So, if it is harmony and balance that is required for the healthy flow of Chi, we need to redistribute the weight, by adding more Yin dominated humans to the collective circle. 

Hmm! Something to think about. 

All is well!

Eckhart Tolle (October, 2021) The Balance of Being and Doing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j57b6TigGYM

Robin Wang/IEP (n.e.) YinYang (Yin-Yang) in Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy.https://iep.utm.edu/yinyang/

Serving the Moment

The person that has a mind that is clear doesn't have a problem with reality; they are in awe of it.  

Michael Singer

The moment that life is offering right here and now is not ours and it isn't meant to serve us , though most of us approach each moment as if it is supposed to give us something.  We like it when it gives us something pleasant and seek to get the same thing from all moments.  We resist it, condemn it, avoid it and push it away when it doesn't give us what we think ir should. This moment, here and now, is not an Amazon parcel on your doorstep that is supposed to have  exactly what you ordered inside.  It is not yours and it isn't mine.  It is a product of a billion years of Life  unfolding around us and before us but it wasn't meant specifically  for us.  It just is.

When we look at this moment, instead of asking, "What can I get from it?", we should  look at in awe and appreciation , asking, "What can I give it? What can I do , as it passes in front of me to make it and Life better for having done so?"  We would be much better off learning to serve the moments that unfold before us, than we are trying to get whatever we can from each. ( Michael Singer) 

All is well in my world.

Michael Singer (June 2015) Karma Yoga and the Surrender Experiment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fo-SK7v08Do

The Crying Baby

 Any emotion, like the bell, can have a beautiful sound if we listen to it from beginning to end. 

Brother Freedom

Wanted to quickly relay what I have learned about the process of sitting with strong emotion like I experienced and wrote about yesterday.  You have heard this from me before.  Several different acronyms have been used to describe it.  Today I will use the R>E>A>L> acronym and the crying baby analogy, as I have done before as well. 

When we experience a strong emotion this is what we can do in a wholesome way:

• R: Recognize the emotion. Recognize it in your body and mind. How does it feel inside you? You can name it but do not get too caught up in the labelling or narrating of the experience.  Visualize it as recognizing the cry of your baby. Also recognize habit mind as it tries to pull you away from sitting with this emotion. 
• E. Embrace the emotion.  Instead of running from it ...instead of avoiding, supressing, numbing.  Pick the baby up and hold it in your arms. Be compassionate to Self and then be compassionate to the emotion you are holding.  Be willing to be with it.
• A: Accept the emotion, accept the experience even if it is painful.  Accept and allow the baby to express its needs
• L: Look deeply into the cause of this pain. Determine what is wrong and where the pain is coming from. Most of the time the suffering is derived from our resistance to what is. Determine what can be done, if anything, with it.  What can you do to stop the baby from crying?

After this ...if nothing can be done we accept it with serenity.  If something can be done we do it...we allow this experience to flow through us...transforming suffering into truth and freedom.  We change the baby's diaper and the baby becomes peaceful and content.  When we allow our suffering, without resisting it, when we embrace it and look deeply into it...the mind, like the baby, will  become calm and peaceful. 

Hmm! 

Something to think about.

All is well!

Deer Park Monastery/ Thay Ngo Khong (November, 2021) Practicing with Strong Emotions. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4g_yEaE7D4

Lack Of Vision

 

The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.

Helen Keller

Excuse the typos lately.  I am having an issue with the eyes. 

Sometimes I have ocular migraines (without headaches) that start out with a bunch of squiggles and progresses to dark patches over the visual field.  I am okay with that.  I know they don't last long. Apparently, I also have cataracts though the optometrist did not seem to be too concerned about that when he told me. It was a relief for me to know why I was having such a hard time driving at night. I also have good old presbyopia that most people my age will have. So I don't see 100 % especially on darker days like today when my overhead light has burnt out and I am out of light bulbs. :) So, becasue I type so fast and really cannot see well (My new glasses cannot rectify the problem) ...I make a lot of typos.  I can inamgine how annoying they would be to read.  

I have also been experiencing something a little nore concerning for months now with my left eye. Pain and crazy flashing lights out of the corner of my eye.  Now...I know what that could mean.  I do have a astigmatism in that eye and have a tendency toward dry eye...no biggie, right?  That would be the less concerning cause of these symptoms. But unfortunately, there is also a history of retinal detachment in my family  ( I have been assuming for decades that all our heart issues, vascular issues, muscles issue [ herniated discs and dupetrynes] and eye issues are a result of a familial  connective tissue anomaly.  I have been shot down again and again whenever I approached some expert with that possibility and have stopped pursuing that long ago. ]. Regardless, I know I need a retinal exam to rule out the latter and that means stepping up, breaking through the long term assumptions made about me and saying once again, "I think I have something else going on in my body." That never works out well for me and triggers a whole host of circumstances and internal reactions.  Yuck!!!  I really want to deny, supress, avoid opening up that can of worms again.  I still do not have any specific diagnosis or validation for any of the health issues I have been dealing with over the last few years.  (I have given up on that too)   Still, if I value my eye sight,I need to suck it up and step up to the plate again. .

I ask myself...What would it be like to live without your eyesight?  And I try to imagine myself without that visual sense perception.  I would not be able to photograph which I have not been doing much of lately anyway...my good camera has some type of retinal retachment of its own  lol...it has lost the ability to focus.  It would suck not being able to photograph or even see the beautiful world around me that I so love to capture is some stills. I could still read, though, using brail.  I could still do yoga...in fact, I have been doing yoga with my eyes closed trying to tap into internal body sensations  and am getting better at that.  I would not be able to see my grandchildren's faces but I could hear them and hold them and love them just the same.  Then there was this big one:   Could I still write?  It would be difficult...but I could find a way.  I would find a way. 

Don't get me wrong.  I do not want to lose my eye sight.  It is a valuable gift I cherish. I especially, do not want to lose it just because I am afraid to step up to possibly confront assumption and judgement  again. 

Hmmm! This was not what I was going to write about lol..It just came out.  So we will leave it here.

All is well. 

Gut Brewing

 Never apologize for trusting your intuition-your brain can play tricks, your heart can blind, but your gut is always right. 

Rachel Wolchin

Have you ever had an experience like this ? :

My gut is very, very activated right now...so much so it is uncomfortable.  Something is happening around me and I am not sure exactly  what it is.  I have had this feeling before and I can very quickly build some story around it...something or someone to blame for it.  Hmm!  Don't want to get lost in a story. Regardless of why or whom, I am just trying to sit with the feeling and not run from it. It  is so very intense and so very uncomfortable. My habit mind wants to pull me from the feeling into intellectualization or some form of avoidance.This gut brewing  is also very powerful, so, there really is no denying its presence and its urgent calls for me to pay attention.  Pay attention to what??? I don't know. I just have to sit with this. 

 Man, If I don't have a peptic ulcer by now ...I am certainly going to have one soon enough. 

All is well.

Telling Our Stories/Knowing Our Pasts

 We build our past.

Thich Nhat Hanh

I listened to a lovely dharma talk this morning, taped on Thanksgiving day at Deer Park Monastry ( see below).  In this talk Brother Phap Dung shares some insight into the importance of not getting caught up in one version of history.  We need to be open to different versions because the past is not something fixed and "over with". He tells us that the more conscious and aware we become the more the way we tell our story will change. 

Personal History

As you know, I am attempting to write my sister's story. Well ...more accurately...I am telling  my story through the telling of my sister's story. I am sooo close to finishing what seems like it could be the first of a series.  As it happened, I could not tell her whole life in one book. There are so many fascinating, hard-to-believe, and  intricate details that make up her history, I felt if I crammed it all in to the plot it would be too much. So I took a small section of her life/my life ..about three years to be exact...and built the story around that. 

Know Why and How We Tell Our Stories

Brother Phap Dung reminds us to be aware of why and how we tell our stories.  Are we telling them to express, blame, cling? Are we making it up so others will like it and think more of us and less of someone else?  If so our stories will limit us.  

If , however, we are telling them honestly, truthfully in order to help help heal ourselves and possibly someone else, the storytelling will liberate us and free us. 

Why did I write this?  To honour my sister's memory, for sure, to do what she never had the chance to do and what she spent a great deal of her life trying to do: explain to people why she was the way she was. That was my original motive when I started writing this over five years ago.  As I was writing, however, things changed.  The story became  an opportunity to tell my story as well through my relationship with her.  It became "our" story. 

I had to rely on   trauma memories which can be both faulty and fuzzy at times. So much more would surface, I am sure, with extensive hypnosis but I did not go there. I took what I remembered, probably distorted out of place, sequence and actual dates, to some degree and told a story about our past.  I am very aware, that I, as it is natural to do with memory gaps, have fabricated some details  in those memories of mine, as well. A historian, would not find it completely accurate. It was not my intention, however, to relay history.  It was my intention to relay emotion and share some wonderful life learning that others could benefit from while I honored my sister's memory and my own past with her.

I have been writing this book for over five years. Every year of telling this story, which just happened to coincide with my waking up to a new understanding of life,  something dramatic was changing in my "perspective" about my past. I was feeling differently about the events and people in it that I know have dramtically influenced and affected both of us, helping to form who we became (in the body and personality sense). Every year I write this I am, in a weird sense,building a new past.

Over the years my story has shifted from one of  fear,shame, brokenness and blaming to a beautiful platform of learning.  We go from "victims" to courageous heros...not through our ability to survive but our ability to love, forgive and be kind. What I didn't see clearly or appreciate enough , for the longest time, when I looked back at my past, was the beauty in it , the perfection of it in amongst all that chaos and pain. I have always seen the beauty in my sister but never appreciated it enough until I started telling her story.  I never seen the beauty and innocence  of the  so called villians of this story, either. I also, for the first time in my life,  began to see the beauty and innocence  in this version of "me".

Detaching

The more I evolve into this new understanding of life, the more and more I detach from this story, from the events, from the characters. I see my past simply as a story I can chnage as soon as I change my perspective. My story is not who I am, is not who my sister was.  It is just a story about minds and bodies finding their way on this physical plane...neither good or bad...just was. Learning, learning, learning. 

All of Life offers an amazing story.

Hmmm! 

Deep Park Monastery/Br Phap Dung (November, 2021) How to Remember Our Past. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE24wfLeel8

Use it to go to God

 Use it to go to God.

Ram Dass

What do we do with all that panic we might have over the changes we observe taking place in the world? We use it to go to God.

What do we do with the boredom and sense of being unsettled we may feel ? We use it to go to God.

What do we do with that resentment and anger, all the feelings of ill will we may have going on inside us? We use it to go to God.

What do we do with the restlessness and the worry, the doubt and the feeling of being stuck? We use it to go to God.

What do we do with this feeling of immense sorrow we feel when we look out upon the world, at the suffering of other beings?  We use it to go to God.

All suffering is an opportunity to open our hearts to all that is and step beyond the surface to what is really there...God!

All is well in my world. 

Picking Up What Is Below The Surface

 When you understand someone's energy, there will never be a question about their intention. 

Unknown

Sometimes, I wish I was like other people I know.  I wish I could just take everything at face value...to live on the surface of things, accepting of outward appearances as reality.  Life would be so much easier for this form if I could do that...but I can't.  Sometimes I can get my mind not to go farther...to not dig beyond the surface...but my heart and my gut always do.  

I look at the freindly, smiling faces of some people and see and feel their pain so intensely I am overwhelmed for hours afterwards.  I see the polite mannerisms in others, hear their thank yous and "yes, please ", at the same time I feel such an  intense contempt, anger and sense of injustice  coming from under their surface persona I feel the need to back off, to say no more. I can also pick up what feels to be intentionally, offensive sarcasm and ridicule in people who try very hard to come off as nicer than others and who profess to truely care.  Though I can care about these people I can not trust their motivations. There has been plenty of times I sensed great compassion,strength and courage in people who label themselves as more selfish, weaker and more fearful than most other people we know.  

 I can't seem to stay on the surface. I see beyond the obvious.  My antennaes go deeper. Often the "energy", if we dare to use taht word, I get from people doesn't match their outward personna.

Others, I speak to after such encounters, tell me they did not see what I see or that they have not picked up on what I picked up on.  They sometimes tell me I am being "paranoid' or "silly".  I mean there are many times I feel I could be  projecting my inner feelings on these multi faced individuals..  I wonder if , at certain times, they seem sad because I am sad or if they are angry and resentful beause I am angry and resentful. 

I don't intend to do this.  I don't want to do this but I pick up these subtle and sometimes very powerful incongruencies that I can't help but be confused. That is, until what I am picking up proves to be what was truly felt or real. 

It would be easier if I didn't go below the surface. I do not like the way I am automatically pulled deeper. If someone is telling me they are happy, I do not want to feel pain.  If someone acts polite around me I don't want to fear them.  It is so weird. 

This is not a supernatural power I have...it is simply a little trick I picked up in childhood...the ability to read the crowd.  My psychosocial survival depended on it. I had to learn to see beyond what people were offering on the surface in order to survive.  I had to be able to pick up the very subtle and often hidden shifts in energy  so that I could prevent certain things from happening.  I learned to read people at a very early age.  My so called "gut instinct" is actually just survivor's instnct. It has served me well.

Still, sometimes I wish I could just accept a smile as a smile and not see it as a mask.  You now?

Anyway, not sure what that brought that up today.

All is well. 

"Other" as a Referring URL

 

Successful blogging isn't about one time hits, it is about building a loyal following over time.

David Aston from: https://www.incomediary.com/bloggerstop-blogging-quotes/ 

Hmm!  I would love to have a few loyal readers just so I knew that this message was getting out there, that I was connecting on some level, that what I was doing here had purpose. My Stats page shows that I might have  a loyal reader who comes as "other" on the referring url and often as "other" reader. But at the same time, I don't know what "other" means and my ignorance leaves me a little uncomfortable. 

So, "other" from the US  using the Safari browser on a MacIntosh has just tapped into an entry with the poem I wrote on this blog in February, 2019 that I entitled "You Are". I hope this "other", whomever he/she/they are/is,  got something from it.  I hope this little poem  acted as a pointing finger for them; that it  "helped" in some small, miniscule way to take them a bit farther on their journey, to help them see a bit clearer who they may  be...like it has helped me. 

Who is this "other"? Do I need to know? 

"Other" shows up more than any other url lately. I am not quite sure what that means.  I don't know who this "other" is, nor do I need to know. I don't know if it is one person  showing up consistently or many  showing up randomly, that fit under this umbrella of "other". I don't know if they are people or bots. If they are people, I don't know their story/stories and why they come to this page.  I don't know if they are actually reading what I have here or if they have other motives.  If they are reading, I don't  know why and what they are geting from it, if anything.  

I also don't know why I feel a little ill at ease when I see "other" as the  referring url. I definitely don't need or expect people to give up their privacy, if that is what they need for whatever reason. I understand and respect that.  My ego has shrunk enough over the years that I don't depend or expect comments either, (though I appreciate those  comments received...thank you) .  I write to write, to do what I feel somewhat called to do. I don't need people to "like" what I write. And I don't really need to know "who" my audience is.  So why do I feel a bit of unease with "other"? 

I just do not understand the "referring url", search engines and internet traffick very well.  I am not sure what "others"  might potentially gain from referring others to my site, what could happen to the content on this site.  I just don't know.  As long as I know someone is visible in regards to their url...the conditioned part of me  feels a little less uneasy. It is like I can see their faces as I walk with them into the bank.  With "other" I feel like I am walking beside someone with a ski mask on...you know? 

If changes have not been made on the editorial end of this blog from time to time, maybe I would not have that same unease with "other".  If I understood more about analytics on the stats page, maybe "other" would have no meaning to me.  I sometimes  feel, maybe, that  "my" ( whatever that means)  writing security and privacy may be at risk. Whatever that means?  And I do not want to point to "other" as the potential threat.  "Other"  may be no more than a few people who don't want their identity exposed through an exposed url. ?? 

Please if you are "other" and you are sincerely getting something from this, know that you are so very welcome.  Also know that I am not asking you to expose yourself or comment. I am grateful for your readershp just as it is. I just hope you can understand my confusion and concern without taking it personally.

All is well!

Connecting With Mother Earth

 You carry Mother Earth within you. Mother Earth is not just your environment. In that insight of inter-being, it is possible to have real communication, with the Earth, which is the highest form of prayer. 

Thich Nhat Hanh https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/mother-earth-quotes

Raining and snowing out there at the same time :0 Winter and Autumn are competing over whose turn it is.  In my part of the world, Winter usually wins this time of the year, no matter if the calendar tells us that Autunn doesn't technically end until mid- December. 

We have had a surprisingly mild and snow free  Autumn so far and that is nice, I suppose, but  at the same time it is a little worrisome. We are  observing first hand the subtle evidence of climate change. I seen a butterfly the other day and my mind chirped, "That isn't right."  I observed a bunch of robins flocking on a tree and my heart sunk a bit.  "You guys should be down south."  I found a little relief realizing, by the way they were flocking and the very subtle differences in their plumage, that they were likely northern robins making their way south but still I found it unusual to see then this far into the season.  The dogs and I discovered some bear business on the trail a few days ago...and I found that a little disquieting. The bears may be seasonally confused because there is no snow and still lots of food around but when winter hits here, it hits hard.  Will they be able to prepare for hibernation quickly enough?  And the horses in the field are still there, growing their winter coats and grazing at the same time.  I was even able to feed them apples from my tree...in November!!! Though they likely are enjoying the extended pasturing to being stalled...it is unusual! It is just evident that even in this part of the world we are being affected by climate change.  Sure it is a lot more subtle than it is on the other coastline with all the flash flooding and fires...but it is still here.  We cannot close our eyes to it and pretend that it is only happening somewhere else  so we can go on treating the planet the way we have been treating her, can we? 

Hmm.  Brother Phap Dung and Brother Spirit from Plum Village remind us that the wounds of Mother Earth are in us and we are feeling them no matter how much we deny, avoid, supress or repress them. Burying those feelings will not help the world.  Beating ourselves up for what our race has done, or intensely and busily setting about "fixing" it and "solving it" will not help any of us either,  if we do not first take care of ourselves and reconnect with her.  We need to stop being so darned busy.  Rest if only for a short period a day and reconnect to the earth. Don't just think about her...feel her!  Feel your feet on her;feel her air filling your lungs;  feel her  gravity holding you in place.  Know that you are just an extension of her...you have breathed her in; you have been noursished by her; and her water makes up 70 % of your form.  You are earth. 

I think the more  we realize our connection to her and everything and everyone, the more good we will do.

Sigh! 

Just rambling.

All is well! 

Plum Village ( November, 2021) Plum Village at TED Countdown/ #COP26) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1ElqrKDx_0

Aligning with Mother Earth

We think mother earth/nature is out there for us to save  but, infact, it is in us. We are water, earth, fire and air. ..Mother Earth is fine. It is  the humans we need to actually care for ourselves and when we care for ourselves, we are with ourselves and we don't need the material things. We do not need to consume. So, our happiness will be more aligned with who we really are which is mother earth. 

Brother Phap Dung

I was watching a lovely video today from two Plum Village monks I have listened to before. Such wonderful teachers, they are.  They were speaking about taking care of our planet by taking care of our minds, by connecting and becoming more in tune with the earth, seeing it not as something seperate from us but a part of us.  We come from the earth.  Earth, elements...the earth itself, fire, water, air and space are in us. We, therefore, are earth; flower, mountain, lake and sky.  

Most of us spend a great deal of our time looking away from the evidence that we, as members of the human race, in our believing we were the superior species,  have done a great deal of damage to the earth and our felllow beings. This damage may be irreversible.  Brother Spirit goes on to tell us that  when we get in touch with how we truely feel about what humans  are still doing to our planet,  it can activate a great deal of anxiety and rage. These feelings are so overwhelming we may close down or act on them in less than skillful ways. We need to look deeply into those feelings, accept them, embrace them and let them go before we jump into solving and fixing the earth's so called problems.  It really is our minds that need to be fixed first.  The human mind (individual and collective) needs to be calmed, tamed, healed..so we can stay with these feelings that arise when we see the destruction  and  then learn to help heal all in wholesome and skillful ways.

They hinvited this singer, singing this song, on to the stage  and his lyrics speak to this in such an eloquent way.  I did my best to listen and capture them here. ( I am hoping it isn't some type of copyright infringement to do so???  ) Please listen...he has an amazing voice and the music is very touching.

A Prayer of My Own

By Nick Mulvey

Somehow my love; somehow my love

keep me an open heart in hell.

Give me the courage to feel it all,

the beauty of the fall

when I want to run away,

when I wish to run away.

Oh Lord, help me stay.

I look around; I look away

hey hey

it is too much to take.

I fool my heart each day.

I fool my heart each time I say

that it don't know how to pray,

that I am better off this way.

Come on Lord, help me stay.

Somehow my love; somehow my love,

can we bear the unbearable,

how to bear the unbearable?

Find in the colour of my rage,

giving that rage a blaze ,

oh the beast has a face,

with a grimace and such grace,

an open heart in hell

whoa whoa,

the courage to feel it all.

Hold us; keep us still

when we want to run away.

Come on Lord, help us stay.

And we do it for our own:

our little girls, our little boys.

And we do it for our home

if we do it for the world. 

So let it out and let it in,

Get to know the beast within.

Give him love

and bring him in,

No, not an enemy

but a friend.

In the fury of the fire,

that timeless fire,

I find my ancient friend,

Lord, come to help me once again

so let it out and let it in.

Get to know the beast within.

Give him love and 

bring him in.

No, not an enemy

but a friend. 

In the fury of that fire, 

oh that timeless fire,

I find my ancient friend,

Lord, come to help me once again.

Wah a who ho

Yaaa Ya Yeah 

Ooooh oh hoo 

Ah nan na eh.

All is well.

Climate Hub/New York Times (November, 2021) Returning to the Heartwood [with Brother Phap Dung and Brother Spirit]https://climatehub.nytimes.com/session/721901/returning-to-the-heartwood

Stuck to the Calendar

 

Time isn't precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you percieve as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. The more you are focused on time, the past and future, the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is. 

Eckhart Tolle 

It is lovely out there today. Today  is the 24th of November, according to this mental construct we call a "calendar", a tool used to help us measure time. Measure time?    How can we measure the coming and going of things  when time is just an idea and all there really is, ever was or ever will be is this "now"? There really is no November 24th anywhere but in our thinking, right?  Today's date  is a product of the Gregorian calendar which was derived from the Julian which was derived from a number of other "time measurements" over the so called years that suited the "minds" at that time.  It isn't "real".  If I asked you to point to November 24th without using a calendar, could you?  You could put your hands up in the air and say, "This...this is November 24th,." to which I would respond..."No...this is simply "now".  November 24th is just an idea, a name, a lable, a concept.  It isn't real. It gets tricky, doesn't it?

Well in this moment, as I look out this window, I see the expected low light through leafless, snow and frost covered branches.  This low light and this semi frozen landscape   is derived from where the earth presently is on its rotation around the sun.  We call this part of this rotating, spinning  process "Autumn"  in my part of the world, "Spring"  in others. That labeling  distinction will depend on another concept...the equator. Spring and Autumn are just words , of course, used to make sense and somehow measure or predict  what nature is doing in response to the earth's axial spinning and rotation around the sun.  The spinning earth "is"...what we see nature doing "is"...the coming and going and change "is" ... but Autumn and the 24th of November " is not."

It is so easy to get lost in concepts about time and to see time as something it isn't.  The focus on the calendar and time in general  can generate a host of different reactions in us:  a clinging to it and a fear that we are running out of it; it can lead us to live according to the calendar over planning and future focus; we  may focus all our energy into doing according to the calender and may forget to "be"; we can become addicted to predicting what teh calendar tells us "should be" that we fail to accept "what is". 

Don't get me wrong. The calendar is a very useful tool. It was meant to help us to predict and prepare for these changing seasons so we could survive with a little less struggle.  When I look at the calendar page and see November 24th I know "Winter" is coming...I can prepare my house, my cupboards, my yard for the upcoming weather.  I can also see that I have an appointment today or two days from now that I don't want to miss. How would we ever organize  an appointment...a future meeting between more than one individual ... without a calendar? It is useful.

What I wanted to get at was our reliance on it can sometimes be problematic taking us from the only time there really ever is...right here, right now.

Something to think about.

All is well! 

The Third Step

Right speech, as the third step of the Noble Eightfold Path, cultivates abstinence from unwholesome mind states; gives expression to the beautiful motivation of lovingkindness, compassion, and altruistic joy; and, most importantly, aligns us with what is true. 

Joseph Goldstein 

From: Joseph Goldstein (2016)  Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True; page 377

Right Speech

 ...possessing five factors, speech is well spoken, not badly spoken; it is blameless and beyond reproach by the wise. What five? It is spoken at the proper time; what is said is true; it is spoken gently; what is said is beneficial; it is spoken with a mind of loving kindness. 

The Buddha from Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. page 378

How is your speech these days?  Do you even know?

I had to stop and think upon reading this chapter on Right Speech.  Am I speaking well? Am I blameless in what I say  and how I speak? Or would others be offended or find fault in my speech?  Am I adhering to the five factors of right speech? 

Right Time

Am I speaking at the right time...the time others need to and are ready to hear what I have to say? Or am I speaking at times determined by a selfish ego? Am I interupting?  Maybe I am holding back from speaking up when someone really needs to hear what I have to say?   

Right Context: Truth

Am I speaking honestly?  Am I speaking only truth and refraining from uttering what is untrue even if it is only what seems to be a little white lie? Am I holding back on speaking the tuth because I am afraid to? 

Right Tone

What tone am I using when I speak? Is it gentle and soft?  Is there anger, frustration  or impatience in my voice? Am I ridiculing and being sarcastic? Am I careful to be gentle and friendly as I speak?

Right Benefit

Is what I say beneficial to others? Is it useful information I am sharing? Or am I just speaking to hear myself talk? Am I gossiping and making idle chitchat?  Am I sharing what is truly important to me and possibly to others? Even if it is truth I speak, will it benefit or hurt others? Am I slandering and doing harm to those not there when I speak? 

Right Thought

What are the thoughts behind my desire to speak?  Is it lovingkindness? Am I trying to hurt or make guilty? Am I seeking a form of venegance?  Am I trying to gratify the "little me"? Even if it is the truth I speak, is my motivation , in any way, to hurt that person I am sharing the truth with? 

Hmmm!  I really need to continue to observe and improve upin my spech.  What about you?

An Experiment

I love this personal experiment that Goldstein  tried while working in the peacecorps (page 375). For months, he did his best not to speak about anyone else to anyone else.  I am assuming that meant he spoke neither good or bad about anyone. What he found was that when he stuck to this intention, he spoke a lot less ( so much of our speaking is about other people) and he became less judgemental about others and himself.  

I want to try  this experiment because I have developed a habit of countering the  bad things I want to say about others to others. As soon as I realize I am about to say something negative, I say something positive or very neutral about that person.  That may seem like I am practicing "right speech" but I am not. The thought behind what I say is still negative and harmful and it may even be reflected in my tone.It is also somehwat dishonest because what I say does not reflect what I am feeling at the momnent.  If I were, instead, to say nothing at all when I felt a certain aversion and desire to talk about it...eventually thoughts like that would go away and I would not not be taking part in "wrong speech".

I will start that experiment soon and will let you know when I do. It may mean a lot less writing here lol It may also require another elastic wrist band.  Sorry wrists lol

Hmm!  Something to think about.

All is well.

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide To Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True

Tonglen From a Crooked Heart

 Thus, for everything that lives,

As far as the limits of the sky,

May I provide their livlihood and nourishment

Until they pass beyond the bonds of suffering.

Shantideva, Guide to a Bodhisattva's Way of Life, in Mindfulness: a Practical Guide to Awakening, page 366

Side Note: Ya...something strange is going on with this blog. Someone, somewhere has access to the editing even though I am the sole administrator.  Someone has the ability to go in and remove, transpose, edit and add to my entries. How can that be? Does anyone know? Should I be concerned?  Any feedback to my questions would be greatly appreciated.

Anyway...I continue to write....

Tonglen 

I have been practicing Tonglen today and having a very challenging time visualizing just one person. I seem to see the suffering of so many loved ones  at once. So I group them together  and as I visualize that suffering coming from each of them as individual dark clouds that join together,  I have a bit of apprehension breathing that big accumulated cloud in.  It is not that I fear what this dense dark cloud will do to me personally  but I don't know if I have room enough in my heart to filter it and transform it into that fresh light I breathe out. Is my crooked heart able to give what is best for all? Or will my own cloud get in the way contaminating what I breathe out.  Sigh! 

I sincerely would like to be able to take on the suffering of others if it will make their suffering less. Just strangely feel sometimes that there is something negative stuck to me that I might  pass onto others...like I have a karmic virus or something. I don't want to add to that cloud, you know?

I think I am just feeling a little overwhelmed these last few days. Though there are so many wonderful, beautiful and pleasant things around me that I am truly grateful for, there are a lot of heavy and unpleasant  things to deal with too.  My tired mind and body is pulling my attention towards the negative things.  That's all.

Going to practice again...I will start with myself the next time, so I can free my heart of a lot of that which has accumulated, before I go to each of my loved ones and then to all the other beings in this world. :) 

All is well!

May all sentient beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.

May all sentient beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.

May all sentient beings have joy and the causes of joy.

May all sentient beings remain in great equanimity, free from attachment and aversion.

The Four Immeasurables

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True.

"May You Be Happy"

 'O look, look in the mirror,

O look in your distress: 

Life remains a blessing,

Although you cannot bless.

O stand, stand at the window

As the tears scald and start;

You shall love your crooked neighbour 

With  your crooked heart.'

W.H. Auden from As I went Out One Evening   https://poets.org/poem/i-walked-out-one-evening

I love this poem and the message it carries with it on compassion and lovingkindness.  No matter how time seems to "leak" away or how many dark and challenging things there are are to observe in this world of form ; no matter how broken and "crooked" you or others  may be...you, if you stay open to your own  suffering, will see yourself in others and others in you and you shall love your crooked neighbour with your crooked heart. 

Hmmm! Yesterday, I wrote how I was struggling with the "crooked" behaviour of others. I was distressed and fearful over  what this behaviour could do then and in the future to those closest to me. I had to take a minute, during my distress, to look into the mirror and  see that I was in no position to judge or bless when I turned my eyes out on the world because I was crooked too. I had to see and feel the suffering and brokenness of others as my own. Even despite that and the obvious "crookedness" of these others I could still love, still feel compassion and kindness.  

I could  get beyond these hurtful behaviours to see the goodness in each.  I could see that there was so much goodness there. ...if we make it a practice to seek out and relate to the good in each person, then the feeling of loving kindness grows quite naturally. page 359

This seemed to make me more aware of the whole picture without all the reactivity and judgement and blaming. As our minds become more open and less defensive, we begin to experience metta as a basic quality of awareness. page 359

I could also offer them this simple wish, "May you be happy." I found my heart opening to them and all with this  simple wish.  I genuinely want these individuals to heal, to transcend their addictions and their suffering so they can be well and happy.  I genuinely want everyone to be well and happy. When I realize this, my heart opens more. The tears may continue to scald but my heart is open...and it is so lovely. 

I am not saying that I am no longer concerned or okay with what they did or do in their unconsciousness, that I feel my loved one should just suck it up and live with it...no not at all...If they do not change she cannot stay.  I am hoping that they will change...take those necessary steps toward healing... not just for her sake , or my sake -so I do not worry, but for  their sakes as well.  

May all be happy and at peace.

All is well. 

Hmm! 

Cling to Naught

 

Develop a mind that clings to naught.

Diamond Sutra

I am in the grip of a very unpleasant stress reaction.  I am worried and fearful, restless and at the same time completely drained.  I am full of aversion for a particular situation and all it entails and at the same time I am longing and desiring something different.  I am also strongly desiring relief from this very unpleasant feeling ...I want to push it away which means pushing it down but at the same time, I know I can't do that. First of all, I am pretty well stuffed to the brim...there is little room for more and second of all, I know that avoiding this feeling now means it will just come back later.  Sigh! 

I have to sit with it.  I know that a great deal of this, that I need to sit with, is just an expected  response to a particular set of circumstances.  It is intuitive and natural.  The other part of it, however, goes beyond natural to what my mind is doing  with this experience, the story it is building around it.  I am having a hard time telling the difference between what is intuitive knowing and what is story based assumption;what is a healthy response and what is reactivity;  what can be releasd easily and naturally and what may cling to me.  

Addiction

I am sitting here after a fairly stressful night thinking about the powerful force of addiction and how much damage it can do to the person addicted and all those around him/her. My heart breaks for all involved. 

I recognized a potential issue  way before it became obvious.  I had this feeling that would not go away even though others assured me there was no need for it. Always in the back of my mind, it lingered and though others kept assuring me that there was no need to worry, I found myself watching, looking into things, wondering. ...feeling a deeply buried pain that was not my own.  I had a clear picture of what was going on with no evidence  for this "story"  And then last night I was once again reminded that I can trust this gut instinct I have. Whatever "assumptions" or "interpretations " I had made were bang on. I knew it before it actually came to my awareness.

As I was being informed of this reality piece by piece indirectly throughout the evening and early morning hours....I found myself just knowing things I   shouldn't know...seeing a pattern emerging that could put others at risk. I could see the future for my loved one so clearly. And I worried so much for her and her little one's safety.  At the same time I felt so helpless knowing how these things usually pan out and what her likely response will be after the incident dies down. 

I felt more concern and worry for her and baby  than I did aversion for the others involved. There is little to no anger, judgement, resentment or ill will. I see myself in them even if I have never done what they are doing. We are all addicts, waiting to happen.  I even felt genuine compassion for these others, seeing their pain and their twisted display of it in the learned and generationally passed on method of coping they were using. I found myself wanting nothing more than their healing and recovery but at the same time knowing that their "disturbed minds" would not see clearly the need for healing and through projecting blame outward they would actively  resist taking any accountability for their behaviours.  I also could see that no one outside themselves can heal them  from this. Healing will require major change and a letting go of all they knew. They need help to do so, help they are obviously and sadly  not ready to take. In the meantime they are going to continue bleeding  all over the people who love them the most, leaving behind a wake of destruction for self and others to be hurt by.  They will hurt and then lose that which they cling so desperately to. Such is the way of addiction.  So much suffering is derived from one's tendency  to run from suffering through grasping and clinging.  Sigh.

I feel so helpless as I sit here with this very unpleasant feeling within me. I will sit with it though...I will. I do want to be free from desire to run from pain,  that in the end leaves behind even more pain. I cling naught!

All is well. 

On Advertisement Logos

 

Intention is more than wishful thinking, -it is willful direction. 

Jennifer Williamson https://katesiner.com/positive-intention-quotes

Another thing I wanted to write about is how we are influenced culturally to believe and act on certain things.  I want to speak to how advertisement logos reflect and encourage certain beliefs and behaviours.

Today, I received a package from Amazon and in big bold letters there was a line on the box that read Caution: Contents May Cause Happiness. It was like , oh my goodness, no wonder why so many of us are clinging to materiality.  In order to get us to buy, sellers are luring us in with this very false promise.  "If you have this, you will be happy." They are telling us, as a reflection from our cultural tendencies, that happiness is caused by material things, by attaining and gaining more. Sigh!

  That made me kind of sad.  So many people buy into that promise and  are over buying and over spending in search for happiness that will never be found in a cardboard box. They open up the box, are excited and impressed for all of ten minutes maybe, then they need to go and order more so they can get another buzz. 

Then I seen this add as I was opening up to a youtube video. 

If you are not a smoker, don't start.  

If you are a smoker, quit.

If you can't quit, change. 

(Not sure of citing info for this...can't seem to find it) 

I like this for many reasons but mostly because I, from that ad,  serendipitously opened up to Michael Singer's video on intention and he referred to the intention to quite smoking throughout. 

In this little logo, the Healthcare System is not demanding or quilting you into stopping smoking, they are are telling you to change.  You can, according to Singer, change your intention and it is intention that determines your success or failure in this endeavour. 

If we intend to be a non smoker either by never starting or by quitting and we do not waver from that intention, we will not smoke. If we once intended to smoke we can change that intention to one where we do not smoke.  Intention is so powerful and so strong, it can keep us on the right path whether that path is one that takes us to a smoke free life or to the  Self realization.  (Of course, Self-realization is teh ultimate intention, is it not?)

All is well! 

Michael Singer/Sounds True (July, 2021) The Michael Singer Podcast: The Highest Intention: Self Realization. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXJo-vw6EEo

Letting It Be

 Stand firm in the seat of the witness and release the hold that  the habitual mind has on you. This is your life-reclaim it. 

Michael Singer http://bestbookquotes.blogspot.com/2018/06/79-sublime-quotes-from-untethered-soul.html

Thinking, reviewing and learning so much today, I don't know what to write about . Hmmm! 

I can start with a review, I suppose, of yesterday's entry, on Trauma.  I spoke of the benefit of changing our intention for trauma release to letting it be rather than letting it go.  If we strive to let all that buried pain and memory go at once...it may become more of a struggle, a chore, than a release.  But if we simply let the triggered and emerging emotion, the thought, the visceral feeling  be as we  recognize it,  without automatcally attempting to push it down as we may be in the habit of doing, then  it becomes less of a struggle. There is a greater chance of healing.  

Michael Singer, in the below listed video, assures us that this old supressed and repressed stuff will gradually and systematically come out in layers if we let it.  If we start with the triggers right in front of us as they present themselves, we will feel the pulling out of old memory and pain .  If we sit with the discomfort of that one trigger  instead of slipping back into old ways of reacting and pushing it away...then we will release that pain and all similar pain on that level will be released as well.  Then we are ready for the next level of release and healing. 

It[the pain that needs release] comes up in the perfect learning platform as you are ready for each step,[if our highest intention in the long run is Self -realization]. Michael Singer (somewhat paraphrased)

If we could  just let the supressed and repressed stuff  be as it comes up  and we don't push it back down...we will eventually let go of our trauma pain. We just have to be willing to be comfortable with the uncomfortable while we heal, layer by layer. 

All is well.

Michael Singer/Sounds True (July, 2021) The Michael Singer Podcast: Your Highest Intention: Self-Realization.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXJo-vw6EEo

Leti It Go? Or Let It Be?

 

A note to anyone who needs to hear it: We don't "get over" or "move on" from our trauma. We are forced to make space for it.  We carry it. We learn to live with it. And sometimes we thrive despite it.

Unknown

We are getting our first snow fall of the season and it is lovely  out there.  A clean white blanket has been gently  laid over a tired and weary earth. All the browning, semi-lifeless  and bruised offerings are covered up so the world we see temporarily looks fresh and inviting.  Hmm. 

Regardless if we are ready for it or not, seasons change.  What a reminder that is for all us about the the impermenent and ever changing nature of phenomena, the coming in and the going out of all experience. 

I have been thinking about past experience.

Trauma From the Past

I had a lovely conversation today with a trusted individual  about trauma.  I had given this individual just one chapter of my book to read, a chapter based on a trauma memory I had that I have shared with very, very few people. I am at the point, as you may be too, where you are looking back at your past as nothing more than a story, the wake of a boat, that you simply want to stop clinging to.  You may  want to let go. 

I  tell myself and others that I want to let go of my past, this idea I have of "me" because of my past. So I wrote this book and have already shared some of it because I felt that sharing it would somehow help me to let go. 

So the goal was to "let go". That is an expression  we often use in this waking up process, don't we?  Yet, how realistic is it, I wonder to let go? 

Is Letting Go Realistic? 

I am realizing that this trauma has wrapped itself around every muscle, been absorbed by every bone, and is in the RNA of every cell being copied here and there throughout me. Every one of my semi abnormal heartbeats are echoing this trauma. My core beliefs...I mean the deepest and most tenacious beliefs...that guide my everyday decisions and  actions have been built on this trauma. It is in me.  It is a part of me....whoever this "me" is.

Influenced By the Wake

Letting go, then, on the psychological level is not going to be something I may ever be able to do completely.  I see clearly how my past impacts this little "personal sense of self" physiologically, emotionally, socially and mentally...even finacially probably.  

Though our pasts, like Alan Watts describes so eloquantly, are merely wakes following a boat our present reaity is impacted by them. The type of winter we have will have an impact on our spring. .  True...the wake/past is not driving the boat but on a very human and earthly level, they do have an effect on how we,as these little clumps of flesh, drive that boat...on this level of form anyway.

I can connect some of my present day fears, reactions, choices to what happened back then.  I can.  Reactions to trauma triggers  used to happen so quickly and automatically, I couldn't make the connection right away...but now I see the influence of those old well established beliefs  have on my everyday life.  I am aware of old feelings under the surface...and though I am releasing more and more of these emotional knots I am aware that striving to release all of them...to let my past and the effect it had on me go  completely...is probably not realistic and may in a sense do more harm than good.

Let it Be

This wise person encouraged me to think more about "Letting it be; than Letting it go." And that sat so well with me.  Recognizing, accepting/allowing, identifying  this experience for what it is everytime I feel the past trickling or splashing into my present...is what I truly want to do.  And, as this wise individual I spoke to today pointed out...I really need to nurture myself as I do.  Hmm!  This is the R.A.I.N. Tara Brach teaches, isn't it?

I may never be able to let go of the damage the  trauma has done completely...and striving to do so puts too much pressure on an already tired body and mind.  Just letting the past and its consequences be by recgonizing it when it comes up,  gently accepting it while feeling compassion for who I was then and who I am now because of it, is very, very doable.  Hmm!

All is well in my world. 

Looking For the Mind

 Consciousness is not a thing that exists but an event that occurs.

Andrew Olendski

There is a Zen tale relayed in Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening (page 314) that I would like to share. It is a dialogue between student and Zen master/teacher. 

Student: My mind is anxious. Please pacify it.

Teacher: Okay.  Bring me your mind and I will pacify it. 

Student: Although I sought it, I cannot find it.

Teacher: There, I have pacified your mind. 

Huh?

The mind is said to be the source of all our problems.  We tend to believe that pacifying this mind...making it quiet will bring the peace we long for. (Well that is what I tend to believe).  Is that not what we are trying to accomplish by awakening.

It is, however, very easy to get attached to this striving goal and thereby increase the mind's tendency to desire and cling...and therefore allow for even more suffering in our attempt to end suffering.

We want to pacify the mind but...

What pacifies the mind? Truth...showing the mind what is true so it becomes aware and knowing.  Awareness, we are taught, will be the answer to our suffering tendencies .  And like I often do, we can become very attached to finding and then clinging to the "knowing mind" or awareness. Since the mind's tendency is to slip from knowing aware state and into busy, stressed out monkey state, we are constantly seeking to pacify the "personal"  mind.

Yet,  if we are asked to find the mind so that it can be pacified we cannot find it.  Why?

Because the mind is not a "thing", it is just an event that occurs. The mind is empty and selfless. There really is no "My" or "mine" we can attach to it. We therefore are wasting our energy becoming attached to the idea of pacifying  that which does not exist....the personal mind.   

Looking for the mind will pacify it

The moment we attempt  to find the mind, we realize it is nowhere to be found because it is "no-thing".  In that moment of "not-finding", the mind's empty, selfless nature is revealed. We pacify through not-finding.

Hmmm! Something to think about. 

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True

From Disenchanted to Awake

 Remember, "disenchantment" means to wake up from the spell of enchantment, to wake up from the dreamlike state of ignorance. 

Joseph Goldstein, page 312

Still  Living in the Enchanted Forest?

I  loved fairy tales as a child and there were very few that did not use the word "enchanted" at least once.  I got goosebumps when I heard that word because it meant there was some type of magic spell about to take place in which the heroine had to awaken from. There was a challenging spell cast upon her by something,  whether it be an enchanted spinning wheel, tower or an enchanted apple and she had to passively overcome this life challenge by being rescued. And in many cases there was an "enchanted forest" for the rescuer to get through.  Enchanted meant some type of dream like or sleep state that took the characters away from the ordinary and real world. Salvation meant being awakened or making one's way through this enchanted forest.

Well most of us are under ego's spell, aren't we? We are sleep walking through some enchanted forest which we erronously believe is so real.  This forest is in our minds and in our minds only.  We are dreaming it up.  We are, in fact, dreaming ourselves into existence.   We , while under this mind spell, dream up this hero or heroine, this version of "little me" with its roles and its quests; with its adventures and its obstacles; its personality and its missions. We "dream up" a story we, as this little clump of flesh and overactive mind, are starring in. We are often waiting for someone or something "out there" to save us.

We want to be saved but are looking for salvation in all the wrong places. We want to wake up but we are often so attached to this dreamlike state of ignorance, it is challenging to do so.  And  realizing that no dude on a white horse with a good set of puckers is going to awaken us, makes it even more challenging and "disenchanting".  A good clear look at Life is disenchanting. The spell begins to break when we realize that nothing out there will save us or wake us  We have to do it ourself.  

We first must relaize that we dreamed up our fairy tale.  It is all just story and mind stuff.  We are not our thinking or narration, therefore we are not bound by it. We are simply thinking ourselves into existence.

This process  of awakening to truth is not as romantic and exciting or predicatble as our childhood fairy tales were and this in itself is so "disenchanting" to the part of us hooked on the story, waiting for rescue...but this "disenchantment" can actually lead us to true salvation and rescue.  The awakened state is much more sustaining and freeing than magic could ever be.

All is well. 

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True.

 Keep your eye fixed on the way to the top, but don't forget to look right in front of you.

Rene Daumal, as quoted in Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening, page 320

Okay, as I sit here trying to focus on my writing my mind is trying to pull me into "planning mode". It is still overly concerned with the 100 plans I want to accomplish lol.  My heart whispers to me to just sit tight, beneath all the: 

"You got to do this!  You gotta get this house cleaned and it is such a massive job, encompassing 100,000 little things that need to get done.  You need to get that novel done too.  You are so close!  And then you need to revise and edit every section of it. You have to submit the stuff you already have written again too...so much stuff.  Those chap books...when are you going to get them done and out? What about looking for a job?---You know you need an income....You need to find something that pays fairly well, that doesn't overtax you physically while it serves, in some way, the greater good.  You do know you are going into more debt...everyday... while you barely make ends meat, don't you? What are you going to do about that... you... who hates owing money? Look at the calender.  Time is ticking away. You have to write that book for your grandsons before Christmas ...what if your artist/daughter doesn't illustrate it...that means you have to find some way of doing so...and you know how you draw!! And what about the blankies you want to knit for them for Christmas? You have to get things done here soon because your kids are going to need some help with their newborns and you need to be available. And...when are you going to make another apointment with your doctor  about the abdominal and pelvic pain that is not going away?  Are you going to let someone know how your ticker has been acting up lately? What good are you going to be to others if you are sick and in pain? What are you doing to take care of yourself these days? You are slacking on the yoga, missy! When is the last time you had a class? When is the last time you were in the woods with the dogs? Get back out there...all of you need that.  And when is the last time you picked up a camera and actually took a good shot? It has been eons...you have some camera issues to fix, don't you?   Man...it is already noon...and you do not even have your morning entry done and the house work even started. Come on...Chop!! Chop!!! Chop!!! You have a million things to do...get going!"     

Man...that is my mind these days lol. Nasty, eh? All this "need to do" pressure leaves a knot in a belly that is already not feeling 100%.  I love just sitting tight and meditating in the morning and evening.  The highlight of my day, I think.  I have to admit though...those 100 plans do slip in between the breaths and carry me away.  I easily bring myself back...but still I am aware they are there waiting for me.  Hmmm! 

When I look at this mental to do list...I see a mountain my mind tells me to climb. I mean...I do want to "do"  and "accomplish" some of these things and that is okay.  In order to get to the top of the mountain , however, I can not be so focused on getting "it all done" ...otherwise I would get nothing done. If I am going to "do" and lets face it we do need to "do" sometimes... I have to break everything down into what really has to get done and what doesn't.  And really, am I going to die if none of this gets done? No.  And even if I get all of it done, how long will ego be satisfied? Not very long. Hmmm!

Sure I want, can and will do alot of these things but I am not going to focus on getting it all done...I am not going to be attached to outcome at all. Whatever task I begin I will remember the line above.  I will look right in front of me and "enjoy" this moment  rather than  strive to get to completion. Yes I can visualize the end goal but I do not need to be consumed by it. I will be consumed by each portion of the doing I am experiencing.  

In the end....if I get it all done... great... but I will not "strive"  to do it all.  If I get none of it done...that's okay too.  All part of the journey; all part of the learning.

It is all good. All is well!

100 Plans?

 Thinking about the hundred plans you want to accomplish,

With never enough time to finish them,

Just weighs down the mind. 

You're completely distracted

By all these projects, which never come to an end,

But keep spreading out more, like ripples in water.

Don't be a fool: for once, just sit tight...

Patrul Pinopoche: Advice From Me to Myself...

(As found in Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening, page 310-311)

I am a pathological doer in recovery. Though I write about being over doing, I still find myself, too often, thinking about the hundred things I want to accomplish.  I have so many projects on the go and can not even see the end of any of them. Like ripples in the water, they keep spreading and spreading.

For example, wanting to help my kids out, especially those with new babies, I decided yesterday morning to make some lasagnas for everyone. Between the vegetarians and the meat eaters... that's a lot of lasagna.lol. I went to the grocery store with the intention of quickly getting what I needed and returning home to make many offerings.  I assumed, though I never before made that amount at one time,  it would be an easy chore and that I would be able to get them all ready and delivered before supper.  Hmm!

On top of that I wanted to get back to my blog here and get an entry in.  I wanted to work on my novel. I wanted to clean and even begin the heavy  fall cleaning . I wanted to make bread and banana muffins to drop off as well.  I was also planning on a yoga class and knew that meant getting my studio ready.  Through out all this planning and doing I was supporting my daughter via text while her son was being admitted with hyperbilirubemnia ( severe jaundice). I thought I could do it all.

 As I texted and spoke to my daughter throughout it all, I got my entry in.  I got the groceries. I got the dishes soaking in the sink  and the counters cleaned enough to work on.  I rolled my bread and made two dozen muffins and then I began making the lasagna. 

I had the lasagna prep all broken down into subtasks but these little steps, for some reason, kept spreading and spreading.  I didn't have enough hamburger for the meat eaters...so I had to find away around that.  I ran out of cottage cheese and realized I bought the wrong type of mozerella. My counter space kept shrinking as my tasks kept spreading.  There were extra trips to the grocery store required. I didn't have enough of someting else...had to reinvent the wheel there. There seemed to be so much to do for this one task that I could not see the end of it. I wondered if I should  cancel yoga.  I wondered how I would get all that lasagna delivered. And the mess...man...I couldn't keep up with it.  It all became very chaotic around me and I could feel myself reacting to that chaos.  Messy.

I had to pull myself back . When a friend/yoga student  told me in a text that I had too much on my plate and advised that I look after home matters before worrying about yoga...I let out a big sigh of relief! I think she even may have used the phrase "just sit tight" lol.

"Thinking about the hundred plans" I wanted to accomplish was definitely weighing on my mind.  These things did not have to get done.  It was ego that was making me into a fool with all this planning and doing.  What I needed to do, I realized was stop it all, and just sit tight.

I cancelled class. I delayed delivery until today. I finished what I was doing, focusing on one step at a time.  I cleaned up and then I sat. I just sat tight. 

Sigh! It takes a while doesn't it, for all this wonderful learning to sink in? 

All is well!

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindgulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True

The Fevered Thirst of Unsatisfied Longing

 Here struggle can become useful feedback. It is telling us that something is arising in our experience that we are not accepting. If we were accepting it, we wouldn't be struggling. "Nonacceptance" is just another word for "wanting"-wanting something other than what is happening. And wanting, craving, is the cause of dukkha. 

Joseph Goldstein, page 305

Hmmm! We all experience  unwanted, uncomfortable, unpleasant, unsatisfactory moments, don't we? And what we usually do when we experience those moments is struggle against them, do we not? 

Struggling? Suffering? 

You may be sitting on the couch and feeling "bored", which in today's society is often considered an unwanted, unpleasant and unsatisfactory experience. So you begin to struggle a bit mentally with the boredom...thoughts come in to the mind...you may begin to think of all the things you should be doing and begin to feel overwhelmed.  You do not know where to start or how to start so you do nothing.  The boredom increases but it also turns toward restlessness and worry. You might experience an unpleasnat feeling in your gut or in your muscles. You struggle against that "unpleasantness". You feel your body reacting...the foot starts to tap , you squirm around in your chair, you flick on the TV or play with your phone in a conditioned and subconscious attempt to distract. Or maybe you have the capacity to take your mind in another direction and you begin to fantasize about the future when things would be more pleasant and you would be different than what you are at that moment. 

This all happens so automatically you may not even realize what you are doing and what you are feeling....but you are struggling. Most of us would not call this type of experience "suffering" but if we look closely at these reactions we would see that it is basically the same thing we experience and "do" when we are facing all forms of "unpleasantness". You are struggling here because you are not accepting this moment for what it is...not accepting the boredom.  And when you are not accepting...you are wanting something other than what is happening. This wanting , this craving for something other than what is right here, right now, the "boredom" in your moment, is what is causing you your suffering, as mild and as easy to pass off as it maybe. 

Craving: The Cause of All Suffering

Craving, wanting something other than what is.... is, according to the Buddha's second noble truth, the cause of all our suffering. The Pali word for craving, "Tanha",  can be translated to mean, "thirst" or "fever of unsatisfied longing."(Isn't that cool?)  

What we all want, whether we know it or not, is peace right? Buddhist teachings tell us that we will never quench this thirst for peace by grasping and clinging to this world of form...because we can  never attain perfect satisfaction all the time in this way. I love the analogy of  trying to quench a fevered thirst  with salt water. When we crave, and want something "out there that we judge as pleasant"(salt water) to fulfill us and make us peaceful and happy (quench our thirst) ...the thirst doesn't go away no matter how much we drink and the  process could in a sense dehydrate us even more, making us sick. 

The fever of unsatisfied longing is just the opposite of peace. page 299

Unsatisfied Longings

We are conditioned to want what is pleasant, aren't we?  We want what feels good to the body and mind, that which we judge as "good, right, should be"  and we want to stay clear of that which is unpleasant to the body and mind, that which we judge as "bad, wrong, shouldn't be".  In the above example, "boredom" was unpleasant and something we determined, very quickly and unconsciously, as unwanted. We felt our body and mind reacting to this "unwanted" feeling arising in our moment. We could not sit with it. We could not accept it. So, without being fully aware, we began to struggle against it.

Our sense of struggle was due to our "nonacceptance" or aversion...our resistance of the "unpleasant" feeling of  boredom...not the boredom or the moment we were in.  We automatically craved and wanted something "other than this" thus the distracting behaviour and the fantasy that took us mentally out of our moment. Reaching out of our present moments with  physical or mental activity( future and past focus) does not bring that which we are really thirsty for.  It does not bring peace.  Craving does not bring us peace  because anything we grasp and cling to in this way cannot sustain us.  It is like trying to grasp a handful of smoke.  If you are able to grasp it, it will pass through your grip just as quickly as it came. Our longings will always be unsatisfied.  Our fevered thirst will never be quenched by drinking the salt water this world provides. 

Ending Suffering/Quenching Thirst/Living Peacefully

If we truly want to end suffering, quench our fevered thirst and live in peace...we need to break out of the habit of  craving, grasping, and clinging and learn to accept what is. Awakening is simply becoming aware of how we have been living, acting, thinking and then learning to approach Life in a way that brings peace rather than suffering to our experience, and the experience of all beings. We become aware.  We become aware of habit mind and our sense of struggle against what is.  We recognize the nonacceptance we are experiencing and we see it as a wanting something different than what is...then we see this craving behaviour as a fevered thirst of unsatisfied longing. 

Pay Attention to Your Struggles

If craving is the cause of all suffering, what then is the cure?  Awareness and acceptance of what is. That begins when we are paying attention to our "struggling".  Our awakening is the cure that will end all suffering.

Hmmm!  Something to think about, don't you think? 

All is well! 

Joseph Goldstein ( 2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True

Sorrows End...

 But when you move amongst the world of sense, free from attachment and aversion alike,there comes the peace in which all sorrows end, and you live in the wisdom of the Self.

Gita 2:64-65

Hmm! I came across the quote today upon reading what others have read from this  blog over the last 24 hours.  It applies , for sure, to the learning I am presently doing by reading Joseph Goldstein's Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening.

All suffering, according to the Buddha comes from " conditioned phenomena (Goldstein, page 288) . More accurately,

Thus, "suffering" unlike "unsatisfactoriness" is not inherent in the phenomena of the world, only in the way which the unawakened mind experiences them. ..the suffering caused by attachment and craving can be overcome by awakening. (Analayo, Goldstein, page 289)

If we really want to end suffering we end attachment and its counterpart aversion.  We do that when we wake up to the truth that nothing in this world can keep us satisfied or create misery.  Only our clinging and pushing away of what is causes suffering. 

I have had a very busy and eventful week lol.  I never stopped and I am pooped.  Throughout it all: the worry, the fun...the pain and the joy...the learning and the unlearning...I remembered the message of these words.  It is not what is happening that brings me toward peace or takes me away from it...it is how I react to that thing that determines if sorrows come, continue or end.  

Am I clinging...looking to hang on to something pleasant?  Or am I pushing away and resisting that which I determine to be "unsatisfactory"?  If I want peace I free myself from attachment and aversion...and allow Life to be.

Hmmm!

All is well. 

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening.Boulder: Sounds True