Tonglen From a Crooked Heart

 Thus, for everything that lives,

As far as the limits of the sky,

May I provide their livlihood and nourishment

Until they pass beyond the bonds of suffering.

Shantideva, Guide to a Bodhisattva's Way of Life, in Mindfulness: a Practical Guide to Awakening, page 366

Side Note: Ya...something strange is going on with this blog. Someone, somewhere has access to the editing even though I am the sole administrator.  Someone has the ability to go in and remove, transpose, edit and add to my entries. How can that be? Does anyone know? Should I be concerned?  Any feedback to my questions would be greatly appreciated.

Anyway...I continue to write....

Tonglen 

I have been practicing Tonglen today and having a very challenging time visualizing just one person. I seem to see the suffering of so many loved ones  at once. So I group them together  and as I visualize that suffering coming from each of them as individual dark clouds that join together,  I have a bit of apprehension breathing that big accumulated cloud in.  It is not that I fear what this dense dark cloud will do to me personally  but I don't know if I have room enough in my heart to filter it and transform it into that fresh light I breathe out. Is my crooked heart able to give what is best for all? Or will my own cloud get in the way contaminating what I breathe out.  Sigh! 

I sincerely would like to be able to take on the suffering of others if it will make their suffering less. Just strangely feel sometimes that there is something negative stuck to me that I might  pass onto others...like I have a karmic virus or something. I don't want to add to that cloud, you know?

I think I am just feeling a little overwhelmed these last few days. Though there are so many wonderful, beautiful and pleasant things around me that I am truly grateful for, there are a lot of heavy and unpleasant  things to deal with too.  My tired mind and body is pulling my attention towards the negative things.  That's all.

Going to practice again...I will start with myself the next time, so I can free my heart of a lot of that which has accumulated, before I go to each of my loved ones and then to all the other beings in this world. :) 

All is well!

May all sentient beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.

May all sentient beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.

May all sentient beings have joy and the causes of joy.

May all sentient beings remain in great equanimity, free from attachment and aversion.

The Four Immeasurables

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True.