Cling to Naught

 

Develop a mind that clings to naught.

Diamond Sutra

I am in the grip of a very unpleasant stress reaction.  I am worried and fearful, restless and at the same time completely drained.  I am full of aversion for a particular situation and all it entails and at the same time I am longing and desiring something different.  I am also strongly desiring relief from this very unpleasant feeling ...I want to push it away which means pushing it down but at the same time, I know I can't do that. First of all, I am pretty well stuffed to the brim...there is little room for more and second of all, I know that avoiding this feeling now means it will just come back later.  Sigh! 

I have to sit with it.  I know that a great deal of this, that I need to sit with, is just an expected  response to a particular set of circumstances.  It is intuitive and natural.  The other part of it, however, goes beyond natural to what my mind is doing  with this experience, the story it is building around it.  I am having a hard time telling the difference between what is intuitive knowing and what is story based assumption;what is a healthy response and what is reactivity;  what can be releasd easily and naturally and what may cling to me.  

Addiction

I am sitting here after a fairly stressful night thinking about the powerful force of addiction and how much damage it can do to the person addicted and all those around him/her. My heart breaks for all involved. 

I recognized a potential issue  way before it became obvious.  I had this feeling that would not go away even though others assured me there was no need for it. Always in the back of my mind, it lingered and though others kept assuring me that there was no need to worry, I found myself watching, looking into things, wondering. ...feeling a deeply buried pain that was not my own.  I had a clear picture of what was going on with no evidence  for this "story"  And then last night I was once again reminded that I can trust this gut instinct I have. Whatever "assumptions" or "interpretations " I had made were bang on. I knew it before it actually came to my awareness.

As I was being informed of this reality piece by piece indirectly throughout the evening and early morning hours....I found myself just knowing things I   shouldn't know...seeing a pattern emerging that could put others at risk. I could see the future for my loved one so clearly. And I worried so much for her and her little one's safety.  At the same time I felt so helpless knowing how these things usually pan out and what her likely response will be after the incident dies down. 

I felt more concern and worry for her and baby  than I did aversion for the others involved. There is little to no anger, judgement, resentment or ill will. I see myself in them even if I have never done what they are doing. We are all addicts, waiting to happen.  I even felt genuine compassion for these others, seeing their pain and their twisted display of it in the learned and generationally passed on method of coping they were using. I found myself wanting nothing more than their healing and recovery but at the same time knowing that their "disturbed minds" would not see clearly the need for healing and through projecting blame outward they would actively  resist taking any accountability for their behaviours.  I also could see that no one outside themselves can heal them  from this. Healing will require major change and a letting go of all they knew. They need help to do so, help they are obviously and sadly  not ready to take. In the meantime they are going to continue bleeding  all over the people who love them the most, leaving behind a wake of destruction for self and others to be hurt by.  They will hurt and then lose that which they cling so desperately to. Such is the way of addiction.  So much suffering is derived from one's tendency  to run from suffering through grasping and clinging.  Sigh.

I feel so helpless as I sit here with this very unpleasant feeling within me. I will sit with it though...I will. I do want to be free from desire to run from pain,  that in the end leaves behind even more pain. I cling naught!

All is well.