Cling to Naught

 

Develop a mind that clings to naught.

Diamond Sutra

I am in the grip of a very unpleasant stress reaction.  I am worried and fearful, restless and at the same time completely drained.  I am full of aversion for a particular situation and all it entails and at the same time I am longing and desiring something different.  I am also strongly desiring relief from this very unpleasant feeling ...I want to push it away which means pushing it down but at the same time, I know I can't do that. First of all, I am pretty well stuffed to the brim...there is little room for more and second of all, I know that avoiding this feeling now means it will just come back later.  Sigh! 

I have to sit with it.  I know that a great deal of this, that I need to sit with, is just an expected  response to a particular set of circumstances.  It is intuitive and natural.  The other part of it, however, goes beyond natural to what my mind is doing  with this experience, the story it is building around it.  I am having a hard time telling the difference between what is intuitive knowing and what is story based assumption;what is a healthy response and what is reactivity;  what can be releasd easily and naturally and what may cling to me.  

Addiction

I am sitting here after a fairly stressful night thinking about the powerful force of addiction and how much damage it can do to the person addicted and all those around him/her. My heart breaks for all involved. 

I recognized a potential issue  way before it became obvious.  I had this feeling that would not go away even though others assured me there was no need for it. Always in the back of my mind, it lingered and though others kept assuring me that there was no need to worry, I found myself watching, looking into things, wondering. ...feeling a deeply buried pain that was not my own.  I had a clear picture of what was going on with no evidence  for this "story"  And then last night I was once again reminded that I can trust this gut instinct I have. Whatever "assumptions" or "interpretations " I had made were bang on. I knew it before it actually came to my awareness.

As I was being informed of this reality piece by piece indirectly throughout the evening and early morning hours....I found myself just knowing things I   shouldn't know...seeing a pattern emerging that could put others at risk. I could see the future for my loved one so clearly. And I worried so much for her and her little one's safety.  At the same time I felt so helpless knowing how these things usually pan out and what her likely response will be after the incident dies down. 

I felt more concern and worry for her and baby  than I did aversion for the others involved. There is little to no anger, judgement, resentment or ill will. I see myself in them even if I have never done what they are doing. We are all addicts, waiting to happen.  I even felt genuine compassion for these others, seeing their pain and their twisted display of it in the learned and generationally passed on method of coping they were using. I found myself wanting nothing more than their healing and recovery but at the same time knowing that their "disturbed minds" would not see clearly the need for healing and through projecting blame outward they would actively  resist taking any accountability for their behaviours.  I also could see that no one outside themselves can heal them  from this. Healing will require major change and a letting go of all they knew. They need help to do so, help they are obviously and sadly  not ready to take. In the meantime they are going to continue bleeding  all over the people who love them the most, leaving behind a wake of destruction for self and others to be hurt by.  They will hurt and then lose that which they cling so desperately to. Such is the way of addiction.  So much suffering is derived from one's tendency  to run from suffering through grasping and clinging.  Sigh.

I feel so helpless as I sit here with this very unpleasant feeling within me. I will sit with it though...I will. I do want to be free from desire to run from pain,  that in the end leaves behind even more pain. I cling naught!

All is well. 

For the sake of writing

Wow! I first learned the joy of blogging on an on-line dating site a few months ago. I went onto the sight to explore dating options a year after my divorce and discovered another love interest instead...a medium for my writing. I since left the site, taking not a date but a new route of expression with me...the blog. So here I am amongst the blank page and type characters, breathing in a big sigh of relief (the kind of breath one inhales upon finding themself home! )

I don't know who is out there. I don't know who will read what I write, if anyone, but like all writers I write for the intended reader without ever fully being able to comprehend who they are. I may never know why they are skimming past my words rather than all the other writer's words they could be reading at that moment. I may never know what they look like, how they feel inside when they begin to read, how they feel inside after they read. I may never know if they have to strain to read my words or if my sentences slide into their grey matter with ease. I may never know if they are alone, if they have families, if they are single or married. I may never know their age or their background. And I may never know the circumstances of their lives, where they are at that exact moment they begin to read my words. What I do know, however, is that they don't know me. I am some stranger who is suddenly on their screen passing on my version of life as I see it. hmmm! What is the purpose of all this?

Simple really, I guess...human connection. I have something I want to give and maybe , just maybe there is someone out there in need of that something. I am not the best writer in the world...far, far from it...but I am a writer. Anyway you slice it and no matter how I try to escape that incessant calling by slipping into other ( much better paying) roles...I am a writer. So to the words I must surrender and do what I am meant to do (how is that for dramatic?) Maybe, just maybe,hidden in my words, there is something someone else out there needs. Maybe I am helping to make the world just a tiny bit smaller by connecting to someone. Heck, maybe I just write for the big fat ego reasons Tolle describes in his book... for reasons that take me further from peace rather than closer to it (I don't think so though). Or maybe I simply write for the sake of writing. Who knows?

So often I feel all this is bigger than me and I am just going along for the ride. I am afterall...just writing.

So here I am:
44year old fun loving divorcee seeking....a reader.

Dale-lyn