When you understand someone's energy, there will never be a question about their intention.
Unknown
Sometimes, I wish I was like other people I know. I wish I could just take everything at face value...to live on the surface of things, accepting of outward appearances as reality. Life would be so much easier for this form if I could do that...but I can't. Sometimes I can get my mind not to go farther...to not dig beyond the surface...but my heart and my gut always do.
I look at the freindly, smiling faces of some people and see and feel their pain so intensely I am overwhelmed for hours afterwards. I see the polite mannerisms in others, hear their thank yous and "yes, please ", at the same time I feel such an intense contempt, anger and sense of injustice coming from under their surface persona I feel the need to back off, to say no more. I can also pick up what feels to be intentionally, offensive sarcasm and ridicule in people who try very hard to come off as nicer than others and who profess to truely care. Though I can care about these people I can not trust their motivations. There has been plenty of times I sensed great compassion,strength and courage in people who label themselves as more selfish, weaker and more fearful than most other people we know.
I can't seem to stay on the surface. I see beyond the obvious. My antennaes go deeper. Often the "energy", if we dare to use taht word, I get from people doesn't match their outward personna.
Others, I speak to after such encounters, tell me they did not see what I see or that they have not picked up on what I picked up on. They sometimes tell me I am being "paranoid' or "silly". I mean there are many times I feel I could be projecting my inner feelings on these multi faced individuals.. I wonder if , at certain times, they seem sad because I am sad or if they are angry and resentful beause I am angry and resentful.
I don't intend to do this. I don't want to do this but I pick up these subtle and sometimes very powerful incongruencies that I can't help but be confused. That is, until what I am picking up proves to be what was truly felt or real.
It would be easier if I didn't go below the surface. I do not like the way I am automatically pulled deeper. If someone is telling me they are happy, I do not want to feel pain. If someone acts polite around me I don't want to fear them. It is so weird.
This is not a supernatural power I have...it is simply a little trick I picked up in childhood...the ability to read the crowd. My psychosocial survival depended on it. I had to learn to see beyond what people were offering on the surface in order to survive. I had to be able to pick up the very subtle and often hidden shifts in energy so that I could prevent certain things from happening. I learned to read people at a very early age. My so called "gut instinct" is actually just survivor's instnct. It has served me well.
Still, sometimes I wish I could just accept a smile as a smile and not see it as a mask. You now?
Anyway, not sure what that brought that up today.
All is well.
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