Waking Up in a Busy World: Growing Inside

The meaning of your life is to go back up with less than you lived with

I observed myself this morning as a long stored samskara was activated in me when I woke up. I could feel it in the spot in my gut where it is stored. I had the same visceral reactivation, I always get that causes the amygdala to scream, "run"...though its voice today was more at a whisper than a scream, it was there. I watched as this human I call "me" pulled the pillow over her head and began to tense and tighten up. I watched the old familiar thought train rolling in to the station...with a puff of "You should be ashamed of yourself" in some form or another with every "choo-choo"it made. I felt the feeling in my gut get tighter and heavier. There was definitely disturbance within!

This human really, really wanted to run from that feeling; to do something distracting to take the mind off of it; to do what it was feeling guilty about not doing just to stop the feeling; to fill the mind with other thoughts; or to rationalize with self and the world about why she was making the choice that led to the shame experience.

Yeah, I felt shame and guilt. I was, therefore, judging this human I call "me" very harshly....

If you are judging yourself ...you will feel guilt and shame

Who was judging? At the time it was hard to see who was judging but now, on reflection, I can see that the ego was judging this "human I call me" for not meeting social expectations. Ego was both feeling and creating the shame. This shame felt "awful" in its familiarity to the body and the mind. The "me" wanted the feeling gone...so it encouraged Shamer ego to stick up its clammy hand to be tagged by Redeemer's. It wanted to find something to be "proud of" that would reduce this feeling of shame. Redeemer, however, was nowhere to be found this morning. The deeply held core belief of "unworthiness" was too prominent.

I almost fell back into old ways of reacting. I almost got lost once again in this experience I almost got lost in that desire to "run" from this activation in any of the ways I have a habit of running in. I wanted to put my mental hands up and scream "No!" and to roughly shove it all back down.

...but ...

Something in this being softened and I felt this inner call to simply "Sit back and watch."...so I did. It didn't feel pleasant as I watched, and I acknowledged that, reminding myself it just is...it is. I reminded myself that this was simply an activation of a samskara that needs to come up. Instead of turning from it, I consciously turned towards it.

I looked deeply at it. I could see that though it was still "painful", it was weaker than it was in the past. It was holding less disturbed energy. It already diminished so much. What remained of it, was enough to cause discomfort.

I also watched the old core belief associated with it pull up with the thought train. I recognized that messaging, knew where it came from, and I understood it. More than anything, I could see it was just a "thought"...it wasn't reality.

I then did the opposite of what body and mind were encouraging me to do...I relaxed into the experience and I just watched. I, amid settling into the "what isness" of a samskara trying to make itself known, used my watch to do an EDA scan. The results showed that I was indeed more relaxed than normal. In the midst of a painful samskara activation, body and mind were relaxed! Imagine. Oh, I still felt the shame in my body and in my emotional experience; I could still feel the belief of unworthiness tugging at me; I still had this feeling of fear of some sort of impending social punishment coming to me for not meeting expectations....but I was able to relax.

We can relax into disturbance!

How?

I did not resist it knowing that it is resistance that causes most of our suffering. (Desire is simply a means of resisting what is). I redirected consciousness. I asked the Self in this human I call "me" to take the reins from ego. It did. The Objective Observer gently wrapped the experience in awareness. Mind you, it was a little like trying to wrap a blanket around a toddler having a temper tantrum lol...but the experience was gradually held by the Observer. That awareness created space between the Observer and what was being observed. In this space, I could see that the samskara reactivation was simply something I was observing. Though the sensations in the body and the experience of pain and discomfort were real, it wasn't who I was. And the stored stuff that was coming through in the experience, in the form of old messaging and memory trapped within that samskara, was not reality. It was all something that happened long ago...that was over...that was done. It was not happening at the time I was observing, therefore it wasn't the present reality. I didn't have to follow it back into a time that is no longer real. My willingness to feel and explore what was going on within me softened and loosened that already shrinking samskara even more. I imagine the next time it gets activated, it will be even less powerful than it was this morning.

Samskara release does not have to be like coughing up a fur ball. It does not have to be that dramatic. It can occur slowly and somewhat gently as it seems to be happening with this particular samskara I experienced this morning. I could see that this one "knot" is shrinking, albeit slowly. Purification doesn't have to be a struggle. We can purify from this blocked disturbed energy known as samskara simply through a willingness to relax, allow, and observe.

Resistance to pain we stored inside or the triggers that Life throws our way is never the answer. When we resist that we resist reality. We resist Life. We will never win when we do that. Reality is reality and it always wins.

Remember, that this is all learning platform. Learning to relax into the suchness of Life even when it is challenging or painful is a game we must practice to get better at. We need to show up for practice and every experience in Life is an opportunity to practice.

Practice what? Practice getting clean and clear. Practice tapping into unconditional well-being and love. Practice getting beyond that which is holding us back. Practice letting go of that which does not serve Life.

This is purification...and our goal in purification is...to go back up with less garbage than we are living with now.

I came across this video that I put up a few months ago...was perfectly appropriate in its appropriate imperfection. lol