Go Through

 The Only Way out is Through!

??

As much as we want to escape from whatever... be it our relationship conflicts, our life circumstances, our boredom, our negative thoughts,  our heavy feelings, our challenges, and our pain...there really is no escaping. I mean we can stuff everything down away from our conscious awareness with denial, supression, repression, numbing activities, projection and blame...but we cannot run from Life. It will catch up with us eventually and when it does we will realize that our attempts at running and avoiding have actually turned our pain into full out suffering. We will have even more to deal with. 

When will we learn that the only way out of challenge and difficulty is to go through it?  When will we be willing to notice it, allow it, sit with it, look deeply into it and then maybe even embrace it...seeing the learning value of it?  

Challenge helps us to grow...as long as we don't shrink away from it. 

Hmm!  Something to think about.

From Blaming to Happiness

 Happiness is available. Please help yourselves to it. 

Thich Nhat Hanh

Who is responsible for this happiness? 

Hmm! I think we may all conceptually know on the most basic of levels that we create our own internal environment (karma) and that no one out there can make us feel anything.  Yet knowing conceptually and living as if this were the truth are two entirely different things, are they not? 

Putting the Blame outside ourselves

How many times a day do you catch yourself thinking, "She makes me so mad!" or saying out loud, "You hurt my feelings...or you disappoint me...or you frustrate me!" or even, "You ruined my life!" ?  How many times a day to you catch yourself blaming something or someone "out there"  for any discomfort you may be feeling "in here"? Well...you may not catch yourself doing it...but unless you are very evolved, I gaurantee that you are slipping into this mental state more than once a day. It is the "normal" thing we humans do.  But just because it is normal...does not mean it is the most skillful way to live.  It will not help us build healthy relationships and it will not help us to experience this happiness that we are told is available.  Infact, this type of mind set will probably lead us farther away from happiness. 

We React

Let's face it...we react! We react when people speak to us or treat us in a certain way we perceive as bad, wrong, or shouldn't be. We may feel something "unpleasant" if their approach to us is less than considerate or compassionate.  We may feel the sting of rejection, anger, resentment, hurt, disappointment, frustration, fear when they say something or do something that we judge as wrong, bad or shouldn't be. Because we feel the sting of the unpleasant in response to their actions  (or lack of) we have been conditioned to blame them for our feelings and our messed up internal environment . Then we counter their actions with our own. (Usually with a sense of blame, defense and attack.) . That leads to  a messy external environment as well as a messy internal environment. Yuck!

Where then is this happiness that Thich Nhat Hanh says is available to all of us?  I don't know where it is.  I just know that as long as we are projecting responsibility and blame outside of ourselves and onto other people and other things we are certainly not going to find it.  We are going to continually react with blame. 

Equanimity

What we need to do is approach everything with equanimity...which can be defined in many ways: mental calmness, composure, evenness of temper, without judgement,  preference or aversion, especially in stressful or difficult situations.

Can you stay calm and composed when someone is telling you off or doing something very destructive in front of you? 

Let's face it...people are going to do things we don't like.  They are going to seemingly p+&& us off. Yet it is through not reacting to their behaviours that we will find a certain peace...even if not reacting is often considered a "no-no" in today's society.  We are told over and over to stand up for ourselves, not to let the "bullies" win, fight back...get angry instead of passive. Yet when we do this we forget a very important law of Karma.  No one outside of us is responsible or to blame for our lives.  Our lives are merely a result of our actions. 

We are all heirs to our own actions.  Our happiness or unhappiness is dependent on our actions, and not merely on our wishes. 

We may wish that "things" were different; that "other people" were different so that our lives would be different and we could be happy. What we need to realize, however, is that our wishes do not determine our satisfaction with life.  They will not change what kinds of lives we are living...they will not fix the messes we may be experiencing inside. Only we can do that through our actions. 

Mary or John are not responsible for our happiness and we are not responsible for theirs.  They may wish us ill or wish us well but the only things that will determine our happiness or lack of is our actions.  We are responsible for the actions we choose. We may wish them well or wish them ill...but that will have little impact on the lives they are living, externally or internally. Their happiness or unhappiness is dependent on their actions, not my wishes. They are responsible for the actions they choose. 

Yes... happiness is all around, available to all of us when we act skillfully in a way that opens us up to it. 

Skillful Action

What does skilfull action entail...it includes our thoughts, perceptions, speech, motivations,  efforts, intentions, understanding etc...those actions that bring happiness. What types of action brings happiness?  Those entrenched in kindness, compassion, non-judgement and that are wise.

This statement: We are all heirs to our own actions.  Our happiness or unhappiness is dependent on our actions, and not merely on our wishes....is wise! 

So when people really seem to p+&& us off...we need to remember this statements.  They are heirs to their own actions. Their happiness or unhappiness is dependent on their actions, not merely on my wishes or on their wishes. I am the heir to my own actions.  My happiness or unhappiness is dependent on my actions and not merely my own wishes or theirs. These people who seem to be causing our unease and possibly screwing up our chances for happiness...aren't! They cannot take credit for our happiness or blame for our lack of.  Only our actions determine our happiness.  

So as they are doing, whatever they are doing that seems to be causing us so much grief...remember that how you act right there and then will determine your happiness. What they may be wishing, saying or doing has little impact. What you say, think, do does!  Yelling back or doing even worse in retaliation will not bring you to happiness. Resentment, anger and aversion will not bring you to happiness. Blaming them will not bring you to happiness. Wishing they and Life were different will not bring you to happiness! 

Being nondisturbed, detached ( but not indifferent) as you focus on the good within them that may be very hard to see in that moment...will bring you to happiness.  Of course, it will take practice to decondition the mind that reacts and balmes others for happiness or lack of.  Be kind to yourself as you build your equanimity muscles and learn to see beyond the behaviours of others to the goodness that, like happiness, is always there and available. 

I am reminded of this poem :

“ The Paradoxical Commandments

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.”

Kent M Keith https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/271599.Kent_M_Keith

All is well!

Joseph Goldstein/Pascale Ferradini (April, 2013) Buddhism: The Essential Points https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgkBnMu_cdM&t=2475s

Joseph Goldstein(Dec, 2012)Guided Meditation on Equanimity. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncpIt7znVm4

Sloth and Torpor

 When the mind is contracted under the influence of sloth and torpor, there is not much joy or pleasure in the practice, not much delight in our lives. We're always pulling back or holding back...The first steps are simply to notice when sloth and torpor are present and when they are absent, so that we can recognize the difference. We get to know our minds very clearly.

Joseph Goldstein, page 143

I wanted  to write about Sloth and Torpor...as a pair, forming one of the five hindrances that we in the west might refer to as "laziness or lack of energy and motivation". As you may have been as well, I have been experiencing periods of that mind state off and on for years.  

Though there are many reasons for it...I have found myself giving into this feeling of "being tired".  The last two days, for example, I would come home from doing something out there and curl up in the lazy boy to watch You tube videos or binge on Netflix for hours at a time while I napped on and off...All this when there is so much to "do" around here...like clean my house, finish my novel which I am so close to finishing, sit down and have hard conversations with the inhabitants of this house, make plans for the future.  Instead of doing anything, I would just give in to this feeling , tell myself I needed to rest and I would become nothing but a dull and lazy sloth. 

Why is my mind sinking into this pit of sloth and torpor? Because: 

• it is easy and more pleasant than doing the things I have on my mind to do! It is the easier option for sure.  I mean...housework?  Come on? Though I am not fond of housework,  I really am not lazy and I can clean.  Infact, I can clean well and energetically if I put my mind to it.  I clean other people's places with ease and actually enjoy it...but when it comes to cleaning this house... that feels like a place I have no claim to anymore...yuck!  And the messes I have to clean that do not belong to me but are left for me...yuck! It is easier to curl up, and close my eyes to that which needs to be cleaned around me. And to go back to that novel which has become a "strain" on my emotions and mind...not something I prefer to do. Would rather tell myself "I deserve a nap!" As far as dealing with people who somehow don't hear me and whom I have to keep being more and more assertive with...yucky too. Life has seemed to be so challenging for me over the last little while. It is easier to to flick on the TV and get lost in the drama going on there than to deal with the one going on here. 
• Conditioning that tells us we need so much sleep a day or we will not be able to function effectively. I keep telling myself I really am physically tired and I have convinced myself that I need so much sleep and rest a day.   I am not sleeping well at night because of pain, menopause or worry...so I give myself permission to make up for it with a nap or a 4-5 hour Netflix/You tube binge during the day . It is a culturally okay thing to do. Infact...sloth and torpor is very prevalent in this day and age.
• Judging and perceiving discontent and  boredom.  I am kind of discontent  with my life situation as it is.  Instead of staying alert and appreciative of  the moment to moment things I could be doing...I judge them as boring and therefore not worth the effort..I allow this boredom to take me to a place of escape that requires little effort. All the things I could be doing...I judge and perceive as "boring" and therefore "not pleasant"  enough to invest effort in. 
• Fear of failure.  Another reason why I curl up and slip away is because I fear failure.  I fear not being able to keep the house clean once I get it clean.  I fear going to that novel...investing all the emotional and physical energy required into it...only to create a real sucky read. I fear once again asserting myself and laying down the law here only to have what I say ignored as it has been over and over again. It makes me feel like a failure. There is still, obviously, some attachment to outcome involved. 
• Escaping Painful Emotions.  There is a host of painful emotions accumulating inside of me and dying to be expressed...but man that is not an easy thing to confront.  It is much easier to curl my legs beneath me and a cozy blanket than it is to face them head on with alerteness and awareness. 
• Took one step too far in my desire to move away from the dependence on the to-do list. I think it is obvious now that I am not a big fan of the to-do list. I have been saying we need to move away from our need for structured and planned  diversional activity and focus more on "being".  I believe that, I do,  but I took it a step too far.  I told myself at those moments I was curled up that I was "being" and not doing...when, in fact, I was not truly being because I was numbing, lost in diversional activity and far from being alert and aware.  I was seeking to go below awareness Hmm! There is a big difference between checking out and checking in. I was checking out. Doing is a necessary part of being human and action is required at times.  We may not need structured and rigid to-do lists but we do need to act from time to time.  Our energy is often ignited and intesified when we act.  Hmm! 

So I am becoming quite aware of my tendency towards sloth and torpor.  That is the first step of recovery from it.  Recovery entails building arousal, endeavour/perserverence and exertion muscles. I envision what it would be like to approach my day to day experience with energy and enthusiasm rather than this...I want that but first I need to accept my approach now. Every time I sit on that chair, telling myself I am tired and deserve a break,  I am going to ask, "Hmm! Is this sloth and torpor calling?  Will this benefit me  and others in the long run or will it hinder? " 

All is well! 

Joseph Goldstein ( 2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True: Boulder

A Day to Stop and Think

 Truth and Reconcilliation 

As your ancestors 

cry out to be heard

through the chaos 

that makes up 

this world of  lost, 

busy and greedy minds,

a world too many still cling to 

with white knuckles and heavy breath

as if it is the only reality,

my ancestors 

bow their head in shame

within me.

I feel the heaviness 

of their shoulders 

dragging mine  down

away from  ears

 full of the echoed cries of children,

of  lost women, 

of brave souls

mortally wounded by broken promises 

and exhumed from  the sandy depths 

of someone else's

unconsciousness. 

These ancestors within me

cry out for forgiveness

as they see clearly 

what they could not see

when they walked around in forms

that felt so righteous

 in their taking 

of that which was never theirs. 

The red, once proudly worn 

with national pride,

is replaced with the saffron

worn by those 

who have achieved 

the sight of truth

few will ever achieve 

in this busy world.

Though my form 

that carries the sins of my fathers

may never be worthy 

to wear such ceremonial dressage,

I do so with the hope

of healing for all. 

© Dale-Lyn, July, 2021

Meant to publish this yesterday. 

Mantra?

 Love all of it; be attached to none of it.

me

Hmmm! Those words came to me as I began meditating and they became the perfect mantra.  I was using the mala, as I often do for breath meditation when I am feeling a bit too agitated to just slip away from monkey mind, and I found myself breathing in with "Love all of it!" and breathing out with, "Be attached to none of it." And it just seemed so perfect...a bit like Tonglen.  I mean with the breath in, while I  lightly gripped one bead,  I was visualizing breathing in all Life had to offer: the 10,000 joys ( and so many images of joy came to me) and the 10,000 sorrows ( and so many images of other suffering came to me as well)...I just breathed it all in , as if my heart was big enough to handle all of it, while I recited "Love all of it!"   Then when I breathed out, releasing the bead to grab another, I felt as if I was letting it all go, releasing all of it...clinging to none of it ....as the air left my lungs with the words, " Be attached to none of it."  It was very nice.

I mean...mantras  are just a bunch of words, right? "Love" is just a word having different meanings and connotations for all of us. "Attached" may have different meanings too.  So, if you are going to use a mantra,  do not get too hung up on the words themselves but on what they symbolize for you, what they "point to",  and what feeling they evoke in you.  

Love to me means an open, accepting, non judgemental and compassionate heart. Attached , to me, means a clinging and an expectation, a dependency on things being a certain way.  So I breathe all of Life in, openly accepting all of it...being compassionate  for all of it.  I am not judging and  selecting only  bits and pieces that please me. I am accepting all of it. When I breathe out...I release it all ...and everything feels so cleansed without any clinging or sticking.

It was  a lovely meditation and I thought I would share it. This mantra, or something similar that resonates with you.  may not only help us with our sitting practice but with Life.  Having an open heart that accepts all and clings to nothing would serve us all well, would it not? 

All is well. 

Seeking Peace?

 To seek peace in conditions, whether mental conditions or external conditions, is frustrating.  And you overlook the simple fact that the realm of peace, which is the  unconditioned consciousness in you and the light of the world, as Jesus called it, is already there.

Eckhart Tolle

Peace is already in us. It isn't out there or in any story we may create in our minds.  It is right here, right now. It is not found in our achievements, our special relationships, our "good" days and our successful times. You can search until you are blue in the face and you might even find what feels like peace from these things you have been conditioned to believe will bring it...but it won't last!  Lasting peace cannot be found in mental or external conditions. 

Besides,peace  is not something we will "find".  It is not a "knowing" of it that will bring us to experiencing peace.  It is simply a realizing that we are it.  We are peace. It is as natural to us as the colour of our eyes or our breath.  We just have this conditioned idea that it is something we need to search for  in the fluctuating and ever changing world of things. 

Eventually, after much fruitless and frustrating searching, we come to the realization that peace cannot be found out there or even "known" conceptually. We realize that we are peace. We also stop trying to conceptualize what peace is and who we are:  You can't know yourself; You can only be yourself. 

So we can put away our searching out there for that which we will never be found in the conditioned, in those things we place judgements, expectations and a need to "know" on.  

We can rest in the realization that we are peace and settle  into that unconditioned space of awareness.

Peace is to know yourself through the act of not knowing. 

The Light of the world is already in you. That is who you are.

All is well 

Eckhart Tolle ( August, 2021) To Be Yourself as Awareness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgHyIFJxhLI

 To be able to enjoy it, we got to live each moment of the play and listen to it as if it were the only thing important to listen to. 

Alan Watts

Alan Watts/Creativity Express (Sept, 2021) This is why you are not enjoying your life right now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEzUI9CtsTU

All is well!

Rushing Ahead?

 

While you'll feel compelled to charge  ahead it is often a gentle step back that will reveal to you what you are and what you truly seek. 

Rasheed Ogunlaru https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/rushing

I sat to meditate this morning and for the first time in days ...I actually staid where I was, with each section of breath. It was lovely.

Not So Easy to Stay Put When Stressed

 Over the last little while, feeling "extra-stressed",  I found it difficult to stay put in my practice.  My mind  was reverting to past habits I had of thinking and living that involved always trying to be one step ahead. There was seemingly so many things to deal with, so many things that had to get done, that I found myself rushing ahead. You know, how when we are busy with 100 things on our actual or mental to do list to accomplish ...we may be at, say,  task number nine and while doing it we are thinking, planning and somehow preparing to do task number ten...instead of just focusing on task number nine? Putting our attention on what is up ahead rather than what is going on, what we are experiencing or doing "right now"?  

The Next Step

Well I was doing that in my day to day experiences lately. While washing the dishes, I was preparing myself for sweeping the floor; while brushing my teeth,  I was reaching for the keys I would need in a moment to drive where I needed to go that day and while driving,  I was rumaging through my supply bag to get things in order before I got there. My mind was leaping ahead to "what's next" and I was following it. This is the "busy" way of reacting to Life and it always leaves me feeling rushed, and unsettled. It really doesn't help me get everything done any faster. 

Rushing In Our Practice

This tendency to want to be a step ahead  becomes so habitual, if we remain unaware of it,  that we will do this even when we are consciously trying to stay centered in the moment, as in meditation. Our practice will feel feel rushed and unsettled. For example, I often use a Mala to help me count half breaths during certain meditations. While my fingers are gripping one bead ...I breathe in and am aware I am breathing in and when I grip the next bead,  I breathe out and am aware of breathing out. Well, while I was meditating over the last few days of this busy, stressful time, I found myself reaching for the breathing out bead while I was still breathing in. I found myself contemplating the end of practice and what had to be done next while I was still meditating. And when I tried to stay present with each step of a walking meditation ...I found myself focusing on the foot I would be putting down next, not the one already on the floor.! I was focusing on what was next, what was ahead as if that would propell me forward quicker and more effeciently.

It didn't.  It only left me feel rushed and unsettled, disconnected from each moment. I had to question, when I caught myself doing it and assuming I was not the only one in this busy world that did this...why do we try to stay one step ahead. 

Why Do We Try To Stay One Step Ahead?

I suppose there is several reasons why any of us would do this but my personal reasons, I concluded, had to do with wanting to avoid what was going on in each present moment because it was so "unpleasant". When someone in my household had a grand mal seizure right before I was trying to get my family together to go to a baby shower on Saturday, a shower that my nursing instinct was telling me we should not go to becasue of the new Covid mandates in my province and at the same time my maternal instinct said I need to go to...I found myself stepping ahead...sure I dealt with the situation head on but I projected most of it onto getting the person who seizured  to ER ( which in some ways , makes sense right?) to be looked after there. Once he came to and emergency interventions were successful I needed this Life circumstance and the fear, guilt and sense of helplessness I experienced  out of the way. I had to push it forward to teh next step. I made contacts before I even knew the outcome that explained why I might not be there and I began to make plans for a "what if" scenario. I was a step ahead instead of focusing on each moment as it unfolded, each feeling as it unfolded. 

Why? Becasue it was scary and I felt overwhelmed and it was easier to get into my plan making head than it was to experience and feel directly what was going on. ...moment by moment. So maybe, I concluded,  we try to stay a step ahead to avoid the unpleasantness of certain  moments? We project ourselves into the "next" moment in order to escape "this" moment? 

Stepping ahead also gives us a false sense of control, maybe? I want to  control my breath through the movement of my fingers, rather than allow my movement to follow the natural flow of Life and breath. If my hand moves to the next bead I will make the breath follow and make it all happen "quicker". At a time of my life when I feel I have so little control over external events, at least I can feel  I am in control of the pace of my breath and my meditation practice. I also may want my steps to follow my mind's lead rather than have my mind follow my step.  Maybe, I want to propell myself quickly through time and action instead of settling in the here and now? 

The Beauty of Stepping Back

Instead of rushing ahead, we were to step back and observe an amazing thing happens.  We have a chance to calm down first of all and rebalance ourselves.  Then we can see, when we are somewhat still, what it is taht is really important.  It is nothing "up there' in the fantasy of a future.  It is here and now. 

Well today I sat and told myself to let go of my need to control this experience, any experience...to notice and allow whatever Life hands me in each moment...be it pleasnat, unpleasant or neutral.  And I staid with each half breath.  There was harmony between breath and bead and little tendency on my part to rush ahead.  I mean I caught myself once or twice with that intention and desire but I gently stepped back,  reminded myself, "Just this now!" and I staid put.  

Hmmm!Something to think about isn't it?

All is well!

Can't Make You Happy

 The world cannot make you happy.

Eckhart Tolle

You get that right? 

It took me a long time to get that realization.  I spent most of  what I referred to as "my life"...hoping, anticipating, expecting and waiting for Life to make me happy.  I was so sure the special relationships I sought to attain and maintain would make me happy.  I thought "more education" would make me happy.  I thought a good job with a good salary would make me happy. I thought a house in the right neighborhood would make me happy. I thought my kids being educated, successful and pain-free would make me happy.  I thought getting well would make me happy. 

Sure there were moments ( and even years) when I found glimpses of this elusive happiness upon attaining these things but it never lasted...the things, if they came to be be,  never lasted ...it was all so fleeting. 

I see now that the world was never suppose to make me happy.  I see how this happiness...or this "peace of mind" ...is already in me, hidden beneath all the ideas, beliefs and conditioning that erronously tells me who I am and what I need out there to be happy. 

This peace is within us all...and we won't find it out there .  We will only find it by going deeper within ourselves. 

All is well. 

There is a depth to who you are that is not touched by the fluctuations in this dimension...a peace that passes all understanding...a space in you that arises...

Eckhart Tolle

Eckhart Tolle (Sept, 2021) How to Find Inner Peace. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWFkl8IOLTA

Offending Readers?

 The wider your readership, the greater the chances for offending your readers.

Alexander McCall Smith https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/readership-quotes

It is not my intention to offend anyone. 

"Why don't you write about that kind of stuff?"

I shared with someone today that I was getting a surge of hits from the tiny buddha site over the last few days. (I am so grateful for that!) I assume it was a referral  from a referral from the article I wrote in 2017 that led to the increased readership. That article, for whatever reason, resonated with a few people.  

It was suggested, then, that I probably should write more like that instead of how and what I write about here. There was a tinge of fear and embarrassment in the person's suggestion that implied that what I write on this site  is too personal, too "woo-woo" and too"spiritual" for those readers that may follow the link here. It may be disappointing and off- putting to these potential readers who came here because they were impressed by my article.  It was suggested that my writing would attract  and keep more "main stream" readers if it were  more "practical" and helpful in its practicality, like my article was...and less personal or "woo-woo". I agree 100%.

If my goal was to attract readers and to feed them only what they thought they were hungry for...that would be the way to do that. ...cut back on the personal examples and stay on that level of reality most of us are comfortable with.  And of course, I do want to offer that which others can relate to and benifit from wherever they are at on this journey through Life. I see all the struggling and suffering going on out there and I want to do what ever I can to help diminish it. I truly do...but.... I also see, after all the questioning,  learning and writing I have done over the years ...what the source of most of our worldly problems are.  So...I am pulled to get right to the root cause of all that suffering on this site. 

A Little Deeper

You see...it really goes a little deeper than whether or not we write a To-do list or a To-be list.  It is about "why" we are so stuck on to-do lists, "why" we struggle with our work days and our days in general, "why" we are not as happy and peaceful as we can be. There is a big wound in our collective psyche. Sure I could slap an ego bandage on the worldly wound, with wordly advice and suggestions....and that will make us all feel better for a bit...but that is not going to help heal the wound. It will offer a temporary solution, cover it up but maybe even  possibly delay the healing.  Wounds , at a certain point, heal best when they are exposed to the air.  That is why there is so much "exposure" on this site.  I want to expose the wound to the air. 

We need to go deeper and this "deeper" is what most people consider "woo-woo".  I know I use a lot of uncomfortable terminology on this site. We, as humans, often  get so easily put off by certain labels, words, concepts, especially if they differ from our conditioned way of seeing and expressing.  People can get stuck and then turned off by words like "higher consciousness" , "presence", "Awareness", "God", "Spirit", "Essence" or "ego"  etc when they are looking for nothing more than a bit of  practical advice. We forget that these words and concepts are just pointers and in themselves have so very little power.  It is easy to  get stuck on the writer's words and descriptions, instead of seeing what they are pointing to...that inner dimension of mind and that space beyond the mind...which actually offers the solution to all our suffering. 

Just Learning 

Anyway...I am not here to convert people to my way of seeing things...not at all.  Even if that was my intention, which it is not, I am in no position to lead or convert anyone! I am still learning! And I am not here either, to deny what I am learning for the sake of giving people what they think they want to hear or read.  I am just looking for truth and sharing what I learn on the way. That's all! I leave the decision to stay and read up to the reader. 

So Dear Readers, those of you who are stopping in for the first time and those of you who have been with me for a while... Thank You. I am truly very grateful for your readership, I am. ...but, at the same time,  I want you to know that I am not attached to it. I hope you are okay with that? 

All is well! 

Motivated By A Desire For Anonymity or Notoriety?

 Here we need to see and reflect on our motivation for doing something. Is it skillful? Is it unskillful?  Practicing this discernment has tremendous implications for our lives in the world. Because our motivations are often subtle and hard to see-they are often mixed or a series of conflicting emotions-it takes a lot of honesty, clarity, and mindfulness to see them clearly, to know the inner purpose behind our actions.

Joseph Goldstein, page 62

I recently received a contributer's copy of this very lovely weekly planner  Within it, in the month of February to be exact, is a quote from an article I wrote for tiny buddha way back in 2017. There are many more beautiful quotes within it from people, much wiser than me,  to inspire and guide a person through the weeks and days of 2022. Though, the pic from my phone camera does not do it justice, it is a very pretty little book. (And it  is a "consciously crafted/eco-friendly product"). Well done Lori!

Proud and Uncomfortable

Looking at my quote, and more specifically my name, my real name, left me  a little uncomfortable and at the same time proud. You see, I often write using a pen name Dale-Lyn ( a play on my last name, first initial and one of my middle names) for all kinds of reasons. It is not so much I want to remain anonymous, I just do not want to get lost in notoriety. (Not saying that I would ever get famous lol)

 Ego proudly says..."Yeah...something "I" wrote was selected for one of the 52 weeks when there was so many great articles to choose from! "I " am special! "  I puff up a bit. 

I also feel uncomfortable because the wiser-Self within gently says, "Now, now...being selected and seen as "special"  is not why you write or why you share what you learn! " 

This wise Self , I know,  is right! At least I don't want that to be the motivation.

"Besides, "  Self continues, bursting Ego's bubble even more, " 'You' didn't write this, it just came through you.  There is nothing personal or special about this creative process. You have simply been selected as a conduit for consciousness in the form of words to come through. Remember that."

"Aweee, ego was feeling soooo good. " 

Another Battle Between Shamer and Redeemer ego

Besides the lectures I get from my wiser Self, I have never been completely comfortable being center stage...even though I have done some public speaking in front of large crowds, have lectured in front of students for years, and even though I want what I write  "out there". I fear judgement, criticism and rejection just as much as the next person does .  "My " words are probably the most authentic thing about me...and if they get judged negatively, criticized or rejected...it may  feel like I am being judged, criticized or rejected. Shamer ego often steps in here to pull me back from being seen. Thus my ego-derived  desire for anonymity. 

At the same time... this ego that is afraid to be seen, wants to be seen!  This "little me" wants notoriety in some form and thinks it just might get it from "my" writing.  Some times I find myself waking up from the thought stream, "Man ...when people see what I am going to get  published...when they read my words and know they came from "me" , then I will be "redeemed".  This confused ego creates  a dilemma when it comes to writing. 

Hmmm! As I grow and advance away from the need to protect and inflate this idea of "little me" I don't seek or fear  those things (at least not as much) that being seen and known will offer this clump of flesh I call me. I do not intentionally write for that reason. I write to write. If I did have notoriety and fame as my motivation ...my writing, I fear ,  would lose so much of what is real. So I just write, not thinking about outcome.  I have also learned to accept writing rejection, (and I have had plenty of it), very positively and openly.  I seem to be much more detached from the outcome than I have ever been.  So I now use my real name when I write.  

Motivation

I am aware I  still have to watch my motivation for writing...just like I have to watch my motivation for speaking, and doing.  I want it, like all I do, speak, feel and think,  ...to be "skillful" and "wholesome". Therefore, my intention and motivation must remain skillful and wholesome.  The conflicting motivations of ego... its fear based intentions to avoid the pain of rejection and its desire to be redeemed...can get in the way. I try to be very mindful of that fact. 

Well...that is what I thought of when I looked down at my name in this pretty little planner. 

How I can ramble, eh?

All is well. 

Joseph Goldstein (2013) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True: Boulder

Waking Up on Stage

 Do you define yourself as the victim of the world or as the world?

Alan Watts

Hmm!  It is obvious what I have been defining myself as in many of the recent posts, isn't it? Embarrassing. 

Did you know that person is the greek word for mask? 

Man ...how quickly we can slip back under our masks, slide back onto the stage of some big tragedy, reclaiming our role of victim  and how quickly we begin to believe that is who we are...again and again.  We become unconscious sooo fast!

It is like...I am in the green room, mask off, being as open and real as I can be...feeling presence...taking responsibility for my version of Life...and then the next thing I know I find myself back in the drama. I am waking up  realizing I am in costume again...and that I was so lost in my role I forgot I was merely acting.  I forgot that I could walk off the stage at any time and go back into the greenroom. (Or maybe I didn't want to walk off...I was enjoying playing my role?)  

Once we "snap out of  it"  and realize we were once again  lost in  character..we can step off the stage and go back to the quiet green room where all actors come from. We can take off our masks and stop pretending.  

Sure, there may be some booing and and hissing from the audience who were enthralled by our acting. The other actors are going to be p*&^%$ too...because they are like, "how are we going to adlib this without you playing your role?", especially if we  do not have an understudy.  And the director...well forget about them. All those still invested in the drama are not going to understand! 

But it is only in that green room, the spacious background of the stage, the present moment, where we  can come to realize that we are much more than the mask we wear...the "person" we are playing. 

That there is a central self...you can call It God, you can call It anything you like...and it is playing all of us.  It is playing all the parts, all beings whatsoever, whereever and anywhere.  And It is playing the game of hide and seek with Itself. It gets lost and gets involved in the forest of adventure but in the end it always wakes up and comes back to Itself.  And when you are ready, you are going to wake up. If you are not ready you are going to still picture yourself as the pitiful "little me." Alan Watts

You are not who you think you are and the role you play limits you and keeps you trapped in some drama. 

Presence is deeper than the person. Eckhart Tolle

Who do you want to be?  The victim or the world? 

All is well.

Eckhart Tolle/ (July, 2021) The Real Cause of Anxiety.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIreWs78acs

Alan Watts/Johnny Bigger (May, 2021) The Most Eye Openeing Ten Minutes of Your Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXsdC1iocRY

Happy Ever After

 Whenever you look for zero, you see nothing but whenever you look through zero, you see the world.

Joseph Goldstein

Hmmm! Though Goldstein is speaking mostly about seeking shunyata, the empty spaciousness of mind most of us seek in our meditation practice ( the zero) ...I apply this quote  to the futility of seeking happiness and fulfillment through ideas. I am thinking about ideas and making the distinction between living "ideally" and living directly. I have spent most of this Life seeking  the idea of something rather than actually living.  What do I mean by that?

Let me give you an example:

I grew up with the conditioning that created this "idea" that getting married in the future would solve all my problems, take away any so called suffering and make my life fulfilled. So I looked for this.  It was one of my ultimate goals, as it is for many youth brought up on stories of Cinderella and Snow White, to get married. My wedding day was something I sought, envisioned and practiced since I was a little girl. I was so in love with the idea of getting married. I baught into the "fantasy" and staid in the fantasy in my head even after some obvious signs appeared before mine and my ex's  wedding that should have brought me down into reality. Getting married to this person, I was being shown,  would not solve any issues I had with myself...and in fact...would lead to some very difficult times for both of us. This realization  was not comfortable. The idea I had of salvation through marriage, however,  was wonderful. So I chose the idea over the "what is". 

The reality of what this marriage would mean was superceded by the "idea" of marriage and more specifically the idea of a fairy tale wedding (We really do not see what went on in Cinderella's and Snow White's Life after the wedding, do we...other than "They Lived Happy Ever After" ? There is an assumption  then, in many of our minds, that those few hours in the church and reception hall will magically  gauarantee a "happy ever after" for us too.) So I baught the beautiful Cinderella dress and invited all my friends/family to watch me be saved by my ideal wedding.  

Did I get saved? Was there a happy ever after?

I recall waking up the next day to a zero...not shunyata...but the emptiest of feelings upon realizing the wedding...this future moment I spend my life idealizing was now in the past. I could no longer live in the idea of it.  I was left with the reality of it all. I could suddenly  see ahead into our future so clearly that which I denied, supressed and repressed. This would not be a healthy union because neither of us were healthy enough.  

As we drove away to our honey moon...I think we both kind of knew then,  at some deep level that  we were more in love with the  idea of all this than we were with the reality of each other. Without speaking this realization out loud we proceeded into our marriage and life together with hopes that we would still, through some magic, find that "happy ever after".  In order to do that...I had to once again deny, push down and push aside this very clear vison I had of our future. 

I could do it for a while. ...but it was exhausting! We had some very nice times together, we had four beautiful children together, but we also had many more challenging times together. So disappointed were we upon watching our "idea" of marriage crumble, realizing that this union would not save either of us from the suffering we went into the marriage with, that we blamed one another. We both became filled with resentment over the other's inability to make each other happy. I blamed him for not taking away my suffering and for  not making me happy and he blamed me.  

The Idea Vs the Reality of Experience

The idea we had of each other and our union was so different than the reality of it. Reality said it was never his responsibility to "save me", take away my suffering and make me happy...that is an impossible duty to put on anyone's shoulders and it was never my responsibility to save him. Yet we attempted to cling to the fantastic idea of romantic salvation.  Disappointment and resentment grew the more we were forced to realize the idea could not sustain us.  The marriage eventually had to end and it did not end well. 

Seeking the Happy Ever After in Meditation or in Life

Sigh! Goldstein's quote is a subtle reminder about a need to be cautious and aware in our seeking.  This zero he refers to is the ultimate goal, the Happy Ever After,  for all meditators but it is just an idea, a concept , a story in the mind. If we fixate on this idea as a goal we will never acheive that which we seek in meditation...just like I could not acheive salvation in my "idea of marriage". If we experience Life directly, however...if we live in the reality of now  instead of escaping into our ideas of how things should be, whether that be while we are sitting or  while we are experiencing all the many things a human experiences in a lifetime...than we will see everything clearly through direct experience. 

From For to Through

I am learning thorugh my own past experiences like my marriage and through my  meditation practice not to seek anything...to just take what comes as it comes...see it clearly for what it is instead of what my mind tells me it could and should be. I am not seeking the "Happy Ever After".  I am expereincing the what is now.

If I am surrounded by this zero ( the spacious  background that presents the what is of Life) and I look through it rather than for it...I will see everything clearly. I will see the world.

All is well.  

Observing

 When you observe rather than react, you reclaim your power.

Denise Linn

Man! Life is really an amazing thing to observe and what is even more amazing to observe is our human "reaction" to what Life offers. 

Sometimes we are so stuck in the dramas of Life we can't see what is really there...we are too close to observe.  It is like trying to look at your reflection in a mirror while your face is pressed up against the glass.  To really see  the reflection of what is for what it is , you need to step back and keep some distance between you and what you are observing.  

Observing Life

Well many of us are going through Life with our face pressed against the glass,  seeing nothing clearly. By stepping back we can observe how Life breathes events, people, challenges , so called "blessings" into our experience and how she breathes them out.  Coming, going, growing, changing, dying...every "thing" going through this process. Nothing permanent. 

Observing Nature

We can observe this in  the ever changing pattern of nature, especially a Canadian landscape in Autumn.  When I look out my window I am aware of the foliage beginning its change; my potted plants are turning brown; the apples on my trees are starting to fall to the ground; hummingbirds have not visited the feeder I put out for them in days; the Blue Jays are developing the tufts on the backs of their heads;  it is getting dark at night a lot earlier; and the light during the day has shifted to a lower density. Life's offering  is changing exactly as it is meant to.  

Observing What the Senses are Picking up

What are you hearing right now? What are you seeing? Smelling? Tasting? Feeling? 

Observing the Body

We can observe our bodies.  I observe my body when I meditate.  I am aware of the sensations within it...the pain in abdomen and pelvis, the knot in my gut, my heart beat, the heat of a hotflash and the clamminess of skin that follows, and mostly my breath. These sensations are always changing...coming and going.

Observing the Mind and the Story it Tells

My mind's narrative is changing so much...almost everyday.  Somedays the story is about me as a victim...and other days it is a story about me as the hero...and the days I find most peace in...my mind is creating a story about me as neither a victim or a hero or maybe both...can't figure that one out yet. :) Doesn't matter really because it is all just story.  It is when I can step away from story that the chapters of some mental book just fade away ...and it is all empty.

Observing the Heart

My heart is changing...somedays open and somedays closed. This will determine my reaction to life circumstance, more so than life circumstance powers the opening and closing of my heart. 

Connecting Learning to Videos

I listened to several little videos today as I was sitting at the table sipping my tea, pondering this idea.  In one of those videos Kim Eng was describing how we were not so much the "doers" in this Life, though doing is always going to be a part of our expereince while we are in these bodies...we are the doingless emptiness that Life creates through. If we want peace in this Life we need to:

Be the hole in the flute that Life creates through. (Kim Eng)

Alan Watts in another video ( listed below) describes how we can escape the  conditioning that tells us we should control the music being made by our incessant doing and by not making  mistakes .  I know I feel like I need to make up for my mistakes in judgement and treatment of others.  I see my last reaction to circumstance as a "mistake" that set me back from my spiritual development when it was nothing more than a very understandable human reaction considering what events Life has blown into my expereince over the last few months. I felt like I had to do something and at the same time I was terrified I would make a mistake and do the wrong thing that would hurt others or myself. I found some console in these words:

You must remember , you cannot make a mistake. 

Everything is happening exactly as it should. 

I was also comparing my level of spiritual understanding with that of others and gaining some sense of "superiority"...thinking and writing here that I was more evolved.  Both Eng and Watts reminded me that we are simply all where we are meant to be. We can't rush this process in Self or others to get to some proverbial finish line. There are no superior or inferior stages of growth...they are all necessary and important:

In the process of growth, the oak is not better than the acorn. (Watts)

I did make the so called "mistake"  of creating in my mind a story where I was somehow superior to others because of where I was spiritually...when I am just where I am. I kept thinking, "I should be further ahead than this!"  We are all evolving and are presently at different stages of that development.  Because I am "here" and I perceive others in my living situation to be "there", that does not make me any better or any worse than them. And momentarily seeing myself as superior is not a mistake but a symptom of where I am at this level...I can look at it and learn from it. 

Hmmm! We understand this so much better when we step back away from the glass.

All is well!

Kim Eng (Sept, 2021) What Does Life Want? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZOrPAWGzg0

Alan Watts (March 2020) Escape Societies Brainwashing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmtg2bg-VVA

No Roots, No Home

 They [our negative thoughts of aversion] have no roots; they have no home [in the vast emptiness of mind]. 

Joseph Goldstein

I looked up at the sky yesterday and it was as blue and as empty of cloud as I have ever noticed. I realized, at the same time, so was my mind...empty (or at least not as full of) those thoughts of monsters, unconscious behaviours of others, "problems" , feelings of anger, resentment and repulsion I had been clinging to for days. I realized then how caught up, tangled up I was in "story" again over the last week ...  a story I kept adding to, a story I  shared with others...Why? 

To give it power...to add to the details  and once again...make villians out of others whose behaviours and choices just reflect their unconscious conditioning, to add to the plot with suspence and drama  and to enhance my starring role as tragic heroin. All story!

Sure there are challenges surrounding me in terms of a living situation with others who are struggling with thier own issues but these challenges and circumsatnces  are just like clouds that float by.  They come and they go.  These people I made into monsters by focusing my attention on the negative superficial stuff are just wherever they are at. ...human beings making their way through the Life they see as their reality. I am not at the mercy of their behaviour. Most of what I experience in reaction to their behaviour is just mind stuff. And as far as me being a victim or any kind of hero in this drama...pfff!  All mind stuff...created in an attempt to put this experience into concepts and narrative...instead of just expereincing it directly.

That is what I have been doing...at this level of my learning and practicing...going back and forth between knowing that I and them are not the conceptual  identities I created.  We are so much more than this.  Life is so much more than this story. I KNOW THAT! Yet I keep slipping back into this again and again.

I sat down with some this weekend after some "slip ups" and for some reason or another...my heart opened. I realized what I was doing instantaously . I was building story to support a closed heart...when that heart  opened there was no story and no words of meaning to come out of my mouth to justify any decisions I had made.  It was like "I don't know!" . 

Learning here as well. 

All is well. 

Leaking with Codependency

 It is one thing to know about your dysfunctional habits but quite another to change them.

David W. Earle

Run!

Looks like a beautiful day out there.  The sun is shining after a day of heavy rain yesterday.  It is so healing to see the sun for all kinds of reasons.  For one ...it means that my ceiling will not collapse in on us, at least not today.  The roof is leaking big time.  From where I am sitting I can see five circles of wetness...one of those was like a faucet yesterday nearly filling a pot. There is leaking in the room my son is staying in...that is more like a shower. And I look up at that ceiling...and I just want to...run!!!! 

Just run from this house that feels so drenched, not only from a leaking roof...but with the negativity of circumstance and other people's emotions.  I am as drenched as this house is...I feel it all and I am beginning to see myself in my ceiling.  Any more rain and I am going to collapse.  Then I hear it...RUN!!!

 I want to go...I do ...but people need me right now. Some need me for healthy reasons...others for unhealthy and I am no longer seeing clearly what I can do to make this a "healthy" place used by people who genuinely want to get healthy...rather than a comfort zone for those who want to feed their unhealthy habits. Run!!!

The Trap of Co-dependency

I feel "trapped" and it is that trap I want to run from, even if I am the one taht created it.

I used to handle these types of  things so differently.  I was strong, assertive...knowing what had to be done and doing it.  I would have made any 12 step sponsor proud. Now I feel like all that oompf was sucked right out of me. I was witness to and around so much co dependency and enabling...that I ended up seeing that as the problem that needed my help...I put sooo much of my energy into  pointing out, trying to stop and fix the codependent enabling ...to absolutely no avail!  It was so exhausting and so very frustrating. Then I went from there to  agreeing in some unspoken way to "harm reduction" measures that never, ever felt right to me...giving up my space, my time, my energy and now I am realizing my health for this harm reduction that is not helping.  I have become a codependent enabler! 

Wanting to Help

When another loved one recently approached me ...genuinely and sincerely for my help and support...I  thought I could be strong again but  after I got sick yesterday ( from stress), I see now that I  have so little left  to give.  I am too confused in this toxic environment  that I have been in for close to a year....getting tough love, and harm reduction and assertivenes all mixed up in my approach.  I am not strong enough to support this person in the way I want to support him.  I have become an enabler of another...how can I help this person then without enabling him too?  And this person...I want to support...loves me and cares about me ...he wants to get better for reasons of love ( not just for me) where as the other, I believe in his level of unconsciousness, could not care if I was dead or alive...as long as I wasn't in the way. He is just not there.  I tell myself that ego gratification  cannot be  the point of  my compassion, my loving and giving...it isn't about what "me" gets from this ...and all people are just where they are...love them from there. 

Yet here I am all tangled up in  a very unhealthy codependent triangle .  I don't even know how it happened...how I got here.  How it got to this when all I ever wanted to do was help and support and be kind. Now I haven't the energy to help, support  and be kind to a person I really want to be there for...a person who needs me...a person (I was going to say who "deserves it more" but I see instantly how "unskillful" that speech and perception is.)

So, so much learning in this. I pray that I learn it all well so that I can go from being this confused mess I am now to  being a valuable force in this world that indeed helps to end suffering.   I want to learn what needs to be learned so I  and all people wanting to be healthy can live in  a house that is free of leaks and this drenching negativity. 

I may not be able to "fix" others but what happens in my home is my responsibility!

All is well in my little world. 

Happy Minds for All

Whatever living being there may be-feeble or strong (or the seekers and the attained) long, stout or of medium size, short, small, large, those seen or those unseen, those dwelling far or near, those who are born as well as those yet to be born-may all living beings have happy minds.

Karaninyametta Sutta

Awe! Miss my girl!

All is well!

Fighting Monsters in the Abyss

 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Friedrich Neitzsche

This quote was brought to my attention today and it stuck in my head.  I am really not sure what it means.  There is many different philosophical explanations out there.  I choose to sit with the words myself and allow the wisdom to come to me...if it will that is.  For some reason, this  little gem came into my life for a reason and right away, in my egoice tendency to be narcissitic :), I  related this to my own life.  (Whatever "my own life" is in the big picture of things.) I am fighting some monsters and I don't want to fight. 

Fighting Monsters?

What about you? Are you fighting monsters? Is there something in your life that you are regarding as evil, dangerous, threatening and are you summoning the courage, be it false or authentic, to fight...struggle against...put an end to this monster of yours for your sake or for the sake of the world? 

I seem to have a few monsters, standing in front of me...some are growling and showing their teeth, some are quiet but have that look in their eye that says it all, you know?  The monsters I am fighting...include the unconscious behaviour of individuals around me that somehow feels threatening to my sense of little me.  Little me, in this tragic drama, is trying to be heard, fighting for space in a very subtle take over, to salvage and cling to a little bit of "self" in a space that is being overrun  by others. These monsters are not necessarily out to hurt me, they are just too hungry, too  big and too clumsy to see that they are trampling over me and what I have for so long believed was "mine".  In my desire to love all , I don't want to fight these creatures or hurt them, I wnat to live in peace with them,  but they do not seem to hear my "Shooo-shoo...careful, careful". They do not seem to see or hear me.  Their need for gratification is just too great and they are blinded by that need. I feel like I am being trampled.

 I am also fighting karma ...a series of life circumstances that I am perceiving as menacing and out to get me, to teach me, to redeem me. Sometimes there is just so much at once...I feel buried under it all and am fighting to get away from these monsters that pile up on top of me...just so I can breathe

 I am, like many people,  fighting the war against drugs and alcohol that seems to be in abundance around me, doing so much damage to those I know and those I don't know. 

I am also fighting to keep myself and others from  being pulled into the abyss that suffering in the form of  stress, anxiety and depression seems to be pulling too many into.

I spent a great many years fighting "them" ...a collective that forms what we refer to as "the system"...not an individual persay but some collective force in shadow form....to be heard, treated, supported.  I feel like I lost that one.

Most of all I am fighting my ego...that part of me that sees the monsters and feels the need to fight them.  It is ego that tells me to fight and it is ego that tells me I should not be fighting. Ego that makes me angry at and resentful of these monsters for coming into my life...and ego that makes me feel such shame and guilt for not being more tolerant of them. 

The Abyss

Though it seems I am surrounded by monsters inside and outside of me and that I must fight them, I know too it is all just a story in my mind. 

I am understanding, as I look into this abyss, that there is only one monster and that is the untamed mind. I am understanding that this immature mind, in its fearful nature, will imagine monsters under the bed when there is nothing there but a few dust bunnies ( okay ...maybe more than a few under my bed). It will resist and struggle against and fight "them" even though there is nothing there to fight, even though fighting and resisting only makes the problem worse. Why? Because it is easier to project outward and away, to resist and fight rather than to look deeply inside and allow. The untamed mind is afraid to look at itself...it is afraid to look at its own inadeqaucies and failings...to see itself as the source of all fear....to tap into the pain it has been running from.

There is no need to "fight" any of these monsters...becasue it is only our minds that have judged them so. When we judge others or things as monsters out there...we become the monsters.  Our fear and our conviction can lead us farther into fear and hate, resistance and aversion and farther away from peace that is so innate in us. 

Our minds are the true creator of these monsters. It is therefore into that abyss, that cave we must go to gently slay them

Go to the source. Go to the mind and begin "shooing" the monsters away from there.  Don't fight!  Just gently "shoo" and they will step back and away.

All is well.

Keep It Beautiful and Simple

 Beauty arises from presence of mind and simplicity. Though our minds may be complicated, beauty is not. 

Jack Kornfield

The Ever Changing Nature of Opinions, Thoughts and Moods

 Our opinions rise and fall like the seasons.  Our moods and thoughts come and go like the tides. 

Jack Kornfield (Seeking the Heart of Wisdom; 2001; Shambala;page 221)

These opinions,these moods and these thoughts that we put so much attention on, that we tend to believe are so real and solid are just things that constantly change, that rise and fall, come and go ...nothing constant or solid about them. 

Yesterday, in reaction to a life cirsumstance, a couple of them actually...but one that was taking all my attention, I found myself  fixated on certain opinions, ruminating over certain thoughts and  seemed to be overcome by a certain mood. None of it pleasant. The negativity brought on by the feelings of fear, worry, what I felt I had to do later that day and what the consequences of that would be  was overwhelming.  My intial reaction was to run from this "pain". ...but because of my training to date I didn't run and I didn't close. I staid open to it for hours and hours but man...it wasn't easy. I did have some peaceful  respite in meditation when I felt the cleansing and healing tears, the space that was holding it all but it was a very challenging day. Instead of being in the moments of a beautiful September  afternoon ..noticing and appreciating the breeze, the sun, the birds around me,  I spent most of the  time in my head with this mood, these opinions and thoughts.  The story in my mind  seemed so solid, so real  and all consuming.  I did not think I would be able to handle it.

When I faced the situation I was waiting to face it turned out so differently than I expected.  In fact, it blew me away. There was so much openness, so much honesty...and the biggest and most difficult step towards healing ( the first one) was taken by this individual...without any push from me. I don't think I have ever been prouder as a parent!  Oh man...there is a big long road ahead with so many challenges .  We both know that but there is no getting anywhere near the healing without this step that was taken. As Lao Tzu supposedly said, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. It is that single first step that marks the beginning of the journey.

So I awake this morning  with different opinions, different moods and different thoughts. Yesterday's mental reaction has fallen like the season of summer soon will...and it has gone out like the tide.  

Hmmm! Life (and our reaction to it) is such an amazing thing to observe.  Observing it will lead to understanding, I suppose, where we would best be placing our attention.

All is well. 

The Cure for Pain?

 What hurts us is what heals us.

Paulo Coelho

Up most of the night. Worried about others again. Worried about unhealthy choices they have made or are still making.  I am worried about the consequences of those choices. Worried about all the other people indirectly affected by those choices. I am worried about what "I need to do" if anything to assist and support, to disenable, to offer my love unconditionally.  I also worry about my part in their suffering. Is there something I did or didn't do in the recent  or distant past, something I am doing or not doing now, a tiny ripple I started with my own unconscious behaviour or a tidal wave maybe, that contributed somehow, that was one of the many ripples or waves that led them where they are? Is there something I should be doing now? 

Man...this feeling sucks.  It really does but I will not run from it or close up to it.  I will just watch it and sit with it when I can. 

I feel it as a heavy weight in my chest.  I feel it as a liquid pain originating from my heart and  flowing  in and around old knots, releasing and unraveling some  buried pain,  then carrying that energetic debris to my eyes where it comes through so easily now. I can feel the cleansing warmth  of it trickling down my face, especially when I meditate. I am definitely still experiencing  the pain of it all in clumps of unpleasant feelings and difficult emotions but I am also feeling the healing that comes when we turn toward pain rather than close up to it. 

I find myself saying to God, Life, this moment, or the breath (I am not really sure what I am saying it to) , "Please make my heart big enough to hold this too!  And this!  And this!..." 

Sigh! 

All is well! 

The cure for pain is in the pain.

Rumi

Are you here now?

 I am living here and now.The blessing of my life is that I am concentrating totally on the present moment. And I want to be because there is nothing but the present moment. 

Paulo Coehlo (The Alchemist) 

Are you here now? 

Are you present in this very moment and this very space of what you call your life?  Or are you up in your head somewhere remembering what happened yesterday and anticipating what will happen tomorrow? At this very moment are you  starring in some drama that you also produced and directed, disconnected from what is actually unfolding off this imaginary set? Do you even know where you are or what you are doing?  Can you feel your body connecting to the earth or the surface you are on? Can you feel your breath going in and going out? Are you aware of your heart beating?  Can you hear what is going on around you? Can you feel it?  Are you here now?

Are you here now?, is a question I frequently ask myself these days.  

I will often catch myself waking up from a fugue, where I was lost, for God knows how long,  in some long winded narrative in my head, far away  from  here, far away from now. Thinking, thinking, thinking and living Life through this thick veil of  thinking, rather than directly.   I may be walking or driving somewhere, doing some chores, or even meditating when I suddenly realize..." Man, I am doing it again". I will  then gently bring myself back...focus on my breath, what is happening at that moment, the sensations of my body and any feelings I may be experiencing at that moment of realization. These moments of realizing that I was somewhere else are becoming more and more frequent.  I am becoming more and more aware that I was or am lost...out of my here and out of my now so  I can come back to direct experience.  

Waking Up,  if Only for A Moment

The other night I was washing my hands in the bathroom and I caught myself in this surreal mental space again. I brought myself back out of my head and into the moment.  I felt the  water on my hands, I could smell the  soap...and I looked into the mirror, directly into my eyes. It was like, "Wow!  This is me, not the heroine/victim in my head  This isn't "my" life!  It is just Life. This is not "my" reality! It is just reality.  Cool!"  

Then for some reason, I found it all so funny and I began to laugh. You would have thought I dropped a hit of acid or something. I didn't lol...I just woke up, if only for amoment 

I really, really want to live Life in the here and now and not in my head.  I want to be increasingly  present in my day to day experiences. So now, throughout the day, I will ask myself that question, "Are you here, now?" and I will check to see if I am in my head or in Life. 

Just recognizing that we are or were  lost in thought is a great acheivement.  Everytime we realize that we were "thinking"we create a bit of distance between us and that thinking. And it is in that space where presence can be found. 

Maybe we could set little alarms on our phones to go off every hour at least ( well maybe not when we are sleeping) as a prompting to ask that question: Are you here now?. 

Hmm!  What do you think? 

All is well! 

 When the eyes and ears are open, even the leaves on the trees teach like pages from the scriptures.

Kabir

 

If you are looking for some, neat organized order to these pages...some professional quality or perfection...you are not going to find it here. This is not a professional website.  It is just me

All you will  find here are  some verbal and visual expressions from a far from perfect and far from professional person who is simply using this site to teach so she  can learn, to learn so she can teach. 

I am no expert, no more evolved than you are on  this path of understanding and I have no desire to pretend to be anything I am not.  This is it, typos and all! 

I link this site to articles I have published, not to lure people here so I get more readers and therefore feed my ego...I link it  for those of you who  are reading a bio from one of my on-line articles  and who are  left wondering, "Who is this crazy lady? What if anything, can I learn  from her?" 

I am not sure you can learn anything from me. This "crazy lady", however,  is someone who  has learned so much about Life, mostly the hard way :), and who now has  this compulsion to share what was learned. Maybe it will click with you and maybe it won't. Regardless, what you will probably learn from me, if you learn anything at all, is that you don't need to learn anything from me, you need to learn from you by examining your own mind and your own life. 

Anyway, I put what I have learned into these entries with all their rawness and  imperfection in hope that they  will benefit someone out there, and at the same time help me understand it all better.

So it is not professional or perfect...just real. I can only give you "me" and though I think that is enough...you may not. No problem...I hope you find what you are looking for elsewhere. 

All is well!

The world is tangled in a knot.

Who can untangle the tangle?

-The Path of Purification

You!  You can untangle the tangle by beginning to recognize, understand and unravel the knot in your own mind.  It all begins there. 

All is well

 

Living Fully.

 

Living fully means jumping into the unknown, dying to all our past and future ideals, and being present with things just as they are.

Jack Kornfield

I finished seeking the Heart of Wisdom (Goldstein & Kornfield; Shambala Classics;2001)and it resonated with every part of me. Though the wisdom shared within its pages was directed towards helping others establish a better Vipassana(Insight meditation)  practice...it  was  wisdom that could also be carried into all avenues of Life. The aim of Vipassana is to open us up to what is in every given moment...being present with things as they are. And that is living fully.  

This being open is a new and unknown experience for most of us who have spent  our lives so far running from or pushing at least half of our experience away because we were afraid.  ( All aversion stems from fear of some kind). Seeking a sense of security we created a false sense of strength and protection  in our narrow, judging  and overly selective minds with our ideals, beliefs, stories and narratives. We got so entangled in those ideals and narratives that we became  stuck, the farthest thing  from free.  Most of us are stuck in our heads and living only half lives. We miss so much when we live like this. 

Through mindfulness; through a practice of sitting quietly once or twice a day; through a committment to look at, understand and to some degree tame  what our minds are doing...we can be freed. We can learn to live fully.               

The capacity to be open to the new in each moment without seeking a false sense of security is the true source of strength and freedom in life. It allows us to receive all things, to touch all things, to learn from whatever presents itself. 

Jack Kornfield

All is Well

And this too!

And this too!

 This vision of me sitting in an open field came to me again last evening when I became overwhelmed by intense feelings of fear, helplessness and remorse for not taking my daughter's fears and concerns to heart...for passing off her worry that her baby did not seem to be moving enough inside her and that she was not getting the required number of kicks  when she did check.  I never counted baby kicks when I was pregnant...if I did, I would be crazier than I am now and that is pretty crazy. To alleviate her fears and concerns I kept saying...don't worry about the number of kicks, just trust that this miracle of life knows what it is doing. To reassure her further, I said I will look more into this "kick per hour" thing and get back to her.  

Well...I was not concerned so it took me a few days to do so.  When I did, I realized it was a new thing OBGYN's are reccommending for their patients and that any decrease in movement noted by a mother after 28 weeks should be investigated right away.  My heart fell to my feet...my daughter was somehow soothed by my lack of worry but my lack of worry might  have been detrimental to the her and the baby's well being.  I called her, and told her in a way I hoped would not cause further worry to call the maternity floor and talk to a nurse there about her concerns over lack of movement. She did, and they told her to come in. When she got there, they had a challenging time getting a consistent heart beat.  They had to call the doctor in and start an IV...

 I spent an hour at home  with this intense feeling of fear, worry, guilt and confusion. My mind automatically took me to the worse case scenario and I began to experience anticipatory grief  and on top of that self blame...it would be my fault, my daughter's suffering would be my fault. I imagined what my daughter would suffer if there was something wrong, after losing a baby just months ago. I crumbled.  I closed up right away and began to pace and wring my hands.  There was so much pain...I was a mess. I wanted to run from it! 

And then through it all I seen the vision of me sitting in meditation posture in the middle of an open field, open and willing to accept without running away whatever unfolded in front of me and heard myself saying, "And this too! This too is Life."  

I sat down to meditate further on this...and though it was so hard to sit with the unknowing, the worry, the fear and the self blame...I did and the tears, big, beautiful, bold tears, just started to come out of me ...and it was, as strange as it sounds, absolutely beautiful.  I settled into this field of awareness...open and receptive to all that might be without knowing what could or would happen..."And this too!" ws my mantra ...wondering what the "this" was going to be in any moment. The pain did not go away but I accepted it. 

When I finished my meditation...I was so calm, so peaceful and I waited for the time I could call her back. When the time came I calmly did..not knowing what I might hear...What I heard was relief in her voice . They were getting a consistent heart beat and because of all the probing the baby was now moving quite a bit. The tears started again. "And this too!" I said out loud.  "And this too!This too is Life." 

Wow!  Thought I would share that.

All is well.