Rushing Ahead?

 

While you'll feel compelled to charge  ahead it is often a gentle step back that will reveal to you what you are and what you truly seek. 

Rasheed Ogunlaru https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/rushing

I sat to meditate this morning and for the first time in days ...I actually staid where I was, with each section of breath. It was lovely.

Not So Easy to Stay Put When Stressed

 Over the last little while, feeling "extra-stressed",  I found it difficult to stay put in my practice.  My mind  was reverting to past habits I had of thinking and living that involved always trying to be one step ahead. There was seemingly so many things to deal with, so many things that had to get done, that I found myself rushing ahead. You know, how when we are busy with 100 things on our actual or mental to do list to accomplish ...we may be at, say,  task number nine and while doing it we are thinking, planning and somehow preparing to do task number ten...instead of just focusing on task number nine? Putting our attention on what is up ahead rather than what is going on, what we are experiencing or doing "right now"?  

The Next Step

Well I was doing that in my day to day experiences lately. While washing the dishes, I was preparing myself for sweeping the floor; while brushing my teeth,  I was reaching for the keys I would need in a moment to drive where I needed to go that day and while driving,  I was rumaging through my supply bag to get things in order before I got there. My mind was leaping ahead to "what's next" and I was following it. This is the "busy" way of reacting to Life and it always leaves me feeling rushed, and unsettled. It really doesn't help me get everything done any faster. 

Rushing In Our Practice

This tendency to want to be a step ahead  becomes so habitual, if we remain unaware of it,  that we will do this even when we are consciously trying to stay centered in the moment, as in meditation. Our practice will feel feel rushed and unsettled. For example, I often use a Mala to help me count half breaths during certain meditations. While my fingers are gripping one bead ...I breathe in and am aware I am breathing in and when I grip the next bead,  I breathe out and am aware of breathing out. Well, while I was meditating over the last few days of this busy, stressful time, I found myself reaching for the breathing out bead while I was still breathing in. I found myself contemplating the end of practice and what had to be done next while I was still meditating. And when I tried to stay present with each step of a walking meditation ...I found myself focusing on the foot I would be putting down next, not the one already on the floor.! I was focusing on what was next, what was ahead as if that would propell me forward quicker and more effeciently.

It didn't.  It only left me feel rushed and unsettled, disconnected from each moment. I had to question, when I caught myself doing it and assuming I was not the only one in this busy world that did this...why do we try to stay one step ahead. 

Why Do We Try To Stay One Step Ahead?

I suppose there is several reasons why any of us would do this but my personal reasons, I concluded, had to do with wanting to avoid what was going on in each present moment because it was so "unpleasant". When someone in my household had a grand mal seizure right before I was trying to get my family together to go to a baby shower on Saturday, a shower that my nursing instinct was telling me we should not go to becasue of the new Covid mandates in my province and at the same time my maternal instinct said I need to go to...I found myself stepping ahead...sure I dealt with the situation head on but I projected most of it onto getting the person who seizured  to ER ( which in some ways , makes sense right?) to be looked after there. Once he came to and emergency interventions were successful I needed this Life circumstance and the fear, guilt and sense of helplessness I experienced  out of the way. I had to push it forward to teh next step. I made contacts before I even knew the outcome that explained why I might not be there and I began to make plans for a "what if" scenario. I was a step ahead instead of focusing on each moment as it unfolded, each feeling as it unfolded. 

Why? Becasue it was scary and I felt overwhelmed and it was easier to get into my plan making head than it was to experience and feel directly what was going on. ...moment by moment. So maybe, I concluded,  we try to stay a step ahead to avoid the unpleasantness of certain  moments? We project ourselves into the "next" moment in order to escape "this" moment? 

Stepping ahead also gives us a false sense of control, maybe? I want to  control my breath through the movement of my fingers, rather than allow my movement to follow the natural flow of Life and breath. If my hand moves to the next bead I will make the breath follow and make it all happen "quicker". At a time of my life when I feel I have so little control over external events, at least I can feel  I am in control of the pace of my breath and my meditation practice. I also may want my steps to follow my mind's lead rather than have my mind follow my step.  Maybe, I want to propell myself quickly through time and action instead of settling in the here and now? 

The Beauty of Stepping Back

Instead of rushing ahead, we were to step back and observe an amazing thing happens.  We have a chance to calm down first of all and rebalance ourselves.  Then we can see, when we are somewhat still, what it is taht is really important.  It is nothing "up there' in the fantasy of a future.  It is here and now. 

Well today I sat and told myself to let go of my need to control this experience, any experience...to notice and allow whatever Life hands me in each moment...be it pleasnat, unpleasant or neutral.  And I staid with each half breath.  There was harmony between breath and bead and little tendency on my part to rush ahead.  I mean I caught myself once or twice with that intention and desire but I gently stepped back,  reminded myself, "Just this now!" and I staid put.  

Hmmm!Something to think about isn't it?

All is well!