Disillusioned

 

Faith is to believe what you  do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe. 

Saint Augustine

I have spent a couple of days contemplating my own disillusionment  with the "spiritual movement" I was observing outside of me. I mean, I have had to watch the fall of my ideas and attachments again and again over the course of my own spiritual seeking, namely the fall of so-called heros in this area. Sadly the Catholic church fell first. Though my reverence for Christ has never faltered, I began to look outside my traditional upbringing for answers.  Other areas where I placed my faith began to disappoint me when I witnessed or became aware of the need for power, recognition, greed and the exploitation of others that drove these individuals or institutions.  

Netflix and Prime, have been helping out to some degree with my disillusionment. :) It was through Netflix and Prime  documentaries that  I became disillusioned with Yoga Masters and Ashrams. There was the  series on Bikrum, the one on Osho...both proving to be egomaniacs that abused and exploited others sexually, finacially and emotionally.  That led me to discover the same type of  allegations against Satchinanada, another Yoga "hero" of mine. There were other documentaries about the more secular, new- age types of leaders that proved to be dominated by ego, not spirit, and a series on cults  that left me more than a little confused. And finally, there was the most recent series on "John of God". 

For most of my life, I really, really wanted and looked for any scrap of  scientific and indisputable evidence that would prove the reality of miracles,  psychics, angels,  life after death, and the existence of the invisible realm to support my gnawing gut feeling it was there. I looked up to Wayne Dyer and Oprah Winfrey, trusting in their opinion of such gifted people. They both revered a Brazilian man that was named, "John of God" because of the way he channelled the spirits of others in order to perform spiritual and physical surgeries that healed "the poor"  in the name of God.  I was inspired...could this be the proof I needed? I looked into him briefly and was drawn in when I read somewhere that he performed all these interventions for free. He ws operating from spirit, not ego?  I made the assumption he was a mild, meek and humble man that remained poor in order to serve God. He could be the proof I needed.

Well, that was a laugh.  I am not sure if he actually performed miracles or not but he certainly was not doing what he was doing for selfless reasons. (Watch the documentary yourself). It shook the ground I was standing on.  Leaving me with the question, "Is there any evidence that there is a world or realm beyond this one...the spiritual demension?"

That led me to an afternoon in front of Youtube looking for some evidence that there was some evidence.  I looked up "proof of psychic ability"...and video after video debunked the validity of psychics in a way that made way too much sense to my rational mind to not agree.  Maybe psychic was too much of a stretch.  I reached back to my catholic upbringing and I thought of angels .  There were believable experts in that area, wasn't there?  Doreen Virtrue for some reason, came to me in one form or another over the last few decades, and she offered me in some strange way that reassurance. I would look to her agian to ease my confusion and make me a believer again. I came across a video of the new "reformed" Doreen Virtrue  Now, after reading the bible, she has denounced everything she has taught previous to her new Christian fanaticism and is saying it (all 'new-age' exploration) is "evil" . She is now "preaching", attempting to put the fear of satan and hell into people so they repent. Huh?

I am pretty confused right now. I am not sure if there is any evidence out there in this world of human forms to prove there is more than this.  I mean I know it in my heart but...my mind still questions. 

Anyway, all is well.