Here we need to see and reflect on our motivation for doing something. Is it skillful? Is it unskillful? Practicing this discernment has tremendous implications for our lives in the world. Because our motivations are often subtle and hard to see-they are often mixed or a series of conflicting emotions-it takes a lot of honesty, clarity, and mindfulness to see them clearly, to know the inner purpose behind our actions.
Joseph Goldstein, page 62
I recently received a contributer's copy of this very lovely weekly planner Within it, in the month of February to be exact, is a quote from an article I wrote for tiny buddha way back in 2017. There are many more beautiful quotes within it from people, much wiser than me, to inspire and guide a person through the weeks and days of 2022. Though, the pic from my phone camera does not do it justice, it is a very pretty little book. (And it is a "consciously crafted/eco-friendly product"). Well done Lori!
Proud and Uncomfortable
Looking at my quote, and more specifically my name, my real name, left me a little uncomfortable and at the same time proud. You see, I often write using a pen name Dale-Lyn ( a play on my last name, first initial and one of my middle names) for all kinds of reasons. It is not so much I want to remain anonymous, I just do not want to get lost in notoriety. (Not saying that I would ever get famous lol)
Ego proudly says..."Yeah...something "I" wrote was selected for one of the 52 weeks when there was so many great articles to choose from! "I " am special! " I puff up a bit.
I also feel uncomfortable because the wiser-Self within gently says, "Now, now...being selected and seen as "special" is not why you write or why you share what you learn! "
This wise Self , I know, is right! At least I don't want that to be the motivation.
"Besides, " Self continues, bursting Ego's bubble even more, " 'You' didn't write this, it just came through you. There is nothing personal or special about this creative process. You have simply been selected as a conduit for consciousness in the form of words to come through. Remember that."
"Aweee, ego was feeling soooo good. "
Another Battle Between Shamer and Redeemer ego
Besides the lectures I get from my wiser Self, I have never been completely comfortable being center stage...even though I have done some public speaking in front of large crowds, have lectured in front of students for years, and even though I want what I write "out there". I fear judgement, criticism and rejection just as much as the next person does . "My " words are probably the most authentic thing about me...and if they get judged negatively, criticized or rejected...it may feel like I am being judged, criticized or rejected. Shamer ego often steps in here to pull me back from being seen. Thus my ego-derived desire for anonymity.
At the same time... this ego that is afraid to be seen, wants to be seen! This "little me" wants notoriety in some form and thinks it just might get it from "my" writing. Some times I find myself waking up from the thought stream, "Man ...when people see what I am going to get published...when they read my words and know they came from "me" , then I will be "redeemed". This confused ego creates a dilemma when it comes to writing.
Hmmm! As I grow and advance away from the need to protect and inflate this idea of "little me" I don't seek or fear those things (at least not as much) that being seen and known will offer this clump of flesh I call me. I do not intentionally write for that reason. I write to write. If I did have notoriety and fame as my motivation ...my writing, I fear , would lose so much of what is real. So I just write, not thinking about outcome. I have also learned to accept writing rejection, (and I have had plenty of it), very positively and openly. I seem to be much more detached from the outcome than I have ever been. So I now use my real name when I write.
Motivation
I am aware I still have to watch my motivation for writing...just like I have to watch my motivation for speaking, and doing. I want it, like all I do, speak, feel and think, ...to be "skillful" and "wholesome". Therefore, my intention and motivation must remain skillful and wholesome. The conflicting motivations of ego... its fear based intentions to avoid the pain of rejection and its desire to be redeemed...can get in the way. I try to be very mindful of that fact.
Well...that is what I thought of when I looked down at my name in this pretty little planner.
How I can ramble, eh?
All is well.
Joseph Goldstein (2013) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True: Boulder
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