Happy Ever After

 Whenever you look for zero, you see nothing but whenever you look through zero, you see the world.

Joseph Goldstein

Hmmm! Though Goldstein is speaking mostly about seeking shunyata, the empty spaciousness of mind most of us seek in our meditation practice ( the zero) ...I apply this quote  to the futility of seeking happiness and fulfillment through ideas. I am thinking about ideas and making the distinction between living "ideally" and living directly. I have spent most of this Life seeking  the idea of something rather than actually living.  What do I mean by that?

Let me give you an example:

I grew up with the conditioning that created this "idea" that getting married in the future would solve all my problems, take away any so called suffering and make my life fulfilled. So I looked for this.  It was one of my ultimate goals, as it is for many youth brought up on stories of Cinderella and Snow White, to get married. My wedding day was something I sought, envisioned and practiced since I was a little girl. I was so in love with the idea of getting married. I baught into the "fantasy" and staid in the fantasy in my head even after some obvious signs appeared before mine and my ex's  wedding that should have brought me down into reality. Getting married to this person, I was being shown,  would not solve any issues I had with myself...and in fact...would lead to some very difficult times for both of us. This realization  was not comfortable. The idea I had of salvation through marriage, however,  was wonderful. So I chose the idea over the "what is". 

The reality of what this marriage would mean was superceded by the "idea" of marriage and more specifically the idea of a fairy tale wedding (We really do not see what went on in Cinderella's and Snow White's Life after the wedding, do we...other than "They Lived Happy Ever After" ? There is an assumption  then, in many of our minds, that those few hours in the church and reception hall will magically  gauarantee a "happy ever after" for us too.) So I baught the beautiful Cinderella dress and invited all my friends/family to watch me be saved by my ideal wedding.  

Did I get saved? Was there a happy ever after?

I recall waking up the next day to a zero...not shunyata...but the emptiest of feelings upon realizing the wedding...this future moment I spend my life idealizing was now in the past. I could no longer live in the idea of it.  I was left with the reality of it all. I could suddenly  see ahead into our future so clearly that which I denied, supressed and repressed. This would not be a healthy union because neither of us were healthy enough.  

As we drove away to our honey moon...I think we both kind of knew then,  at some deep level that  we were more in love with the  idea of all this than we were with the reality of each other. Without speaking this realization out loud we proceeded into our marriage and life together with hopes that we would still, through some magic, find that "happy ever after".  In order to do that...I had to once again deny, push down and push aside this very clear vison I had of our future. 

I could do it for a while. ...but it was exhausting! We had some very nice times together, we had four beautiful children together, but we also had many more challenging times together. So disappointed were we upon watching our "idea" of marriage crumble, realizing that this union would not save either of us from the suffering we went into the marriage with, that we blamed one another. We both became filled with resentment over the other's inability to make each other happy. I blamed him for not taking away my suffering and for  not making me happy and he blamed me.  

The Idea Vs the Reality of Experience

The idea we had of each other and our union was so different than the reality of it. Reality said it was never his responsibility to "save me", take away my suffering and make me happy...that is an impossible duty to put on anyone's shoulders and it was never my responsibility to save him. Yet we attempted to cling to the fantastic idea of romantic salvation.  Disappointment and resentment grew the more we were forced to realize the idea could not sustain us.  The marriage eventually had to end and it did not end well. 

Seeking the Happy Ever After in Meditation or in Life

Sigh! Goldstein's quote is a subtle reminder about a need to be cautious and aware in our seeking.  This zero he refers to is the ultimate goal, the Happy Ever After,  for all meditators but it is just an idea, a concept , a story in the mind. If we fixate on this idea as a goal we will never acheive that which we seek in meditation...just like I could not acheive salvation in my "idea of marriage". If we experience Life directly, however...if we live in the reality of now  instead of escaping into our ideas of how things should be, whether that be while we are sitting or  while we are experiencing all the many things a human experiences in a lifetime...than we will see everything clearly through direct experience. 

From For to Through

I am learning thorugh my own past experiences like my marriage and through my  meditation practice not to seek anything...to just take what comes as it comes...see it clearly for what it is instead of what my mind tells me it could and should be. I am not seeking the "Happy Ever After".  I am expereincing the what is now.

If I am surrounded by this zero ( the spacious  background that presents the what is of Life) and I look through it rather than for it...I will see everything clearly. I will see the world.

All is well.