Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it.Even though you want to run. Even though it is difficult. Even though you are not quite sure of the way through. Healing happens by feeling.
Dr. Rebecca Ray
I had this vision of myself today ...whoever"myself" is...sitting in the midst of a wide spacious field in the middle of nowhere in particular. So much expanse of sky around me. Now as I envision this I realize that I am totally exposed to all the elements both inside and outside of me should they come my way. As I sit here I am physically open...raw...unprotected from the storms or onslaughts of the external world or the gut wrenching pain of the internal one. I also realize that I know absolutely nothing about anything. All the usual beliefs in things I once surrounded myself with to protect this idea of "me" have shrivelled up and have blown away. I have no "knowledge" of anything, no idea of what Life has in store for me, what Life is, who I am, what is "good", what is "bad", what I should or shouldn't do. It is all like a dream and I wonder if this is a nightmare or a sweet fantasy.
I see I am alone in this field , exposed and vulnerable to whatever may be out there. I do not, however, curl up in a ball to protect my vital organs, nor do I cover myself up or take on some protective stance. I simply sit where I am, in meditation posture, in preparation to stay open to all that comes at me. Allowing all of it....good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant...I just sit. I am soooo tired of running away so I have no desire to. I am willing to take what comes. I even here myself saying, "Bring it on!"
I have no idea what might show up in front of me or how that might feel. I have no idea if it will be pleasant or unpleasant. I question the reality of everything including this whole notion of evil. Is it real? Knowing nothing, I wonder if there is some outside force that is predominantly "bad", out to hurt and punish; if there is such thing as karma and if I am I paying for some past sins. I wonder if I am manifesting all these negative things I am experiencing through my own consciousness in preparation for an even greater sorrow. I wonder if I am being surrounded by evil. I wonder if I am indeed being punished or cursed. Is there some greatly negative thing heading my way?
Though there may be some discomfort with this wondering...there is more curiosity than fear. Though I recognize fear in my body related to the unknown, I am not resisting that. I let it be.. .for the first time in my life I seem to be okay with the unknown. At the same time, I have this strong desire to "know" the ultimate truth and to risk "my" safety just so I can find out. I have no plans on what I will do if or when. Nor do I have any desire to run from or avoid. I just sit.
I do not know if bad or harmful things are out to get me ...this clump of flesh sitting in a field...and if I am strong enough to ward those things off. I don't know if there is something to this world I cannot see that will protect me and guide me. I don't know anything...but I am willing, more than willing, to just sit and discover , observe and study whatever Life wants to show me. So I just sit.
This image of me sitting in this field, knowing nothing, without judgement or expectation, without resistance ...open and exposed ...is so comforting for some reason.
The Thought Streams Leading to the Field
I woke up at 630 this morning after some dreams I only partially recall with two predominant thought streams whirling through my head. Both were so strong...I tried at first to resist them, stuff them but they wouldn't allow that to happen...they were thought streams I have been trying to resist for days or weeks....and they demanded to be looked at. They both came out in picture images I could not escape. Both were things that left that twisting knot in my gut and even gave me chest pain. They had to be dealt with...no more stuffing, running, denying.
I responded to the first one with action...making a call to someone and setting up an appointment that I later went to in order to confirm if this image I was having about this worrisome thing was as I saw it. I meditated later and this image of me in the field came up. On my way to this appointment...the field became clearer and I felt so much peace. The image I envisioned about the worrisome thing was indeed as I envisioned it and my deep intuitive feeling to respond to it was validated. I am not sure if I rectified the situation but I did make some changes and will be watching it closely.
Now the second picture image directed thought stream was about another issue that was breaking my heart...something I intuitively felt for many months and kept stuffing, stuffing and stuffing. The image that came up this morning told me in no uncertain terms that it was as I saw it and I needed to strike up a very challenging and heart breaking conversation with a loved one. It reminded me at the same time I don't know anything about anything but I have to open myself up so I will know at least a tiny bit. Sigh!
These thoughts took me to a dark place very fast and from there they took me to this field...this field of infinite possibilities...this field where nothing is certain or sure...this field where I am resting, open and vunerable, in spaciousness...a field where I let go of my need to run and was just sitting with what is...surrendering and willing to look deeply at all that was there or that could be there regardless if it caused fear or not...allowing all of it. This letting go ws like dropping hundreds of pounds from my back pack. Relief
Hmmm! I don't know what that means exactly ...like I said I don't know much about anything. I just know it gave and gives me great peace to imagine that.
All is well.
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