When the mind is contracted under the influence of sloth and torpor, there is not much joy or pleasure in the practice, not much delight in our lives. We're always pulling back or holding back...The first steps are simply to notice when sloth and torpor are present and when they are absent, so that we can recognize the difference. We get to know our minds very clearly.
Joseph Goldstein, page 143
I wanted to write about Sloth and Torpor...as a pair, forming one of the five hindrances that we in the west might refer to as "laziness or lack of energy and motivation". As you may have been as well, I have been experiencing periods of that mind state off and on for years.
Though there are many reasons for it...I have found myself giving into this feeling of "being tired". The last two days, for example, I would come home from doing something out there and curl up in the lazy boy to watch You tube videos or binge on Netflix for hours at a time while I napped on and off...All this when there is so much to "do" around here...like clean my house, finish my novel which I am so close to finishing, sit down and have hard conversations with the inhabitants of this house, make plans for the future. Instead of doing anything, I would just give in to this feeling , tell myself I needed to rest and I would become nothing but a dull and lazy sloth.
Why is my mind sinking into this pit of sloth and torpor? Because:
- it is easy and more pleasant than doing the things I have on my mind to do! It is the easier option for sure. I mean...housework? Come on? Though I am not fond of housework, I really am not lazy and I can clean. Infact, I can clean well and energetically if I put my mind to it. I clean other people's places with ease and actually enjoy it...but when it comes to cleaning this house... that feels like a place I have no claim to anymore...yuck! And the messes I have to clean that do not belong to me but are left for me...yuck! It is easier to curl up, and close my eyes to that which needs to be cleaned around me. And to go back to that novel which has become a "strain" on my emotions and mind...not something I prefer to do. Would rather tell myself "I deserve a nap!" As far as dealing with people who somehow don't hear me and whom I have to keep being more and more assertive with...yucky too. Life has seemed to be so challenging for me over the last little while. It is easier to to flick on the TV and get lost in the drama going on there than to deal with the one going on here.
- Conditioning that tells us we need so much sleep a day or we will not be able to function effectively. I keep telling myself I really am physically tired and I have convinced myself that I need so much sleep and rest a day. I am not sleeping well at night because of pain, menopause or worry...so I give myself permission to make up for it with a nap or a 4-5 hour Netflix/You tube binge during the day . It is a culturally okay thing to do. Infact...sloth and torpor is very prevalent in this day and age.
- Judging and perceiving discontent and boredom. I am kind of discontent with my life situation as it is. Instead of staying alert and appreciative of the moment to moment things I could be doing...I judge them as boring and therefore not worth the effort..I allow this boredom to take me to a place of escape that requires little effort. All the things I could be doing...I judge and perceive as "boring" and therefore "not pleasant" enough to invest effort in.
- Fear of failure. Another reason why I curl up and slip away is because I fear failure. I fear not being able to keep the house clean once I get it clean. I fear going to that novel...investing all the emotional and physical energy required into it...only to create a real sucky read. I fear once again asserting myself and laying down the law here only to have what I say ignored as it has been over and over again. It makes me feel like a failure. There is still, obviously, some attachment to outcome involved.
- Escaping Painful Emotions. There is a host of painful emotions accumulating inside of me and dying to be expressed...but man that is not an easy thing to confront. It is much easier to curl my legs beneath me and a cozy blanket than it is to face them head on with alerteness and awareness.
- Took one step too far in my desire to move away from the dependence on the to-do list. I think it is obvious now that I am not a big fan of the to-do list. I have been saying we need to move away from our need for structured and planned diversional activity and focus more on "being". I believe that, I do, but I took it a step too far. I told myself at those moments I was curled up that I was "being" and not doing...when, in fact, I was not truly being because I was numbing, lost in diversional activity and far from being alert and aware. I was seeking to go below awareness Hmm! There is a big difference between checking out and checking in. I was checking out. Doing is a necessary part of being human and action is required at times. We may not need structured and rigid to-do lists but we do need to act from time to time. Our energy is often ignited and intesified when we act. Hmm!
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