When you see only problems, you are not seeing clearly.
Phil Knight
An Unrelated Question
I start by asking a technical question related to blogging that is totally unrelated to today's topic.
Who and what is "other" on the stats page? The majority of readers are under that designation of "other" and I see they are listed as coming from the United States. But what does it mean? Is it just a way that readers protect their anonymity? Why does it leave me just a bit uncomfortable especially when I see on "other" days the "Lessons" I did in 2018 are what is being read?
Have no idea who these readers are and why I feel that gut thing. I just do. I am, at the same time, grateful for the readership because it helps to inspire me to write. And that is what I am here to do.
Going Back and Forth
Anyway...want to get back to yesterday's discussion on the going back and forth from habit mind to this new way of seeing clearly that I referred to yesterday as being guided by Grace.
Friday morning, I sat down to write to someone I have been talking to about my living situation and the need for change. When I wrote her, I was writing from a place of grace directed clarity. I was looking at my situation from peaceful eyes and noting that "any suffering" I may have experienced related to this situation, had little or nothing to do with the people, events and happenings but with my creating story around them. I explained how I was noticing that on some days everything "bothers" me and on others, the very same situations , or things that could be deemed as even "worse" by most others, did not bother me at all, concluding that my mind was the common denominator. When my mind was operating from old habits and conditioning...I was bothered. When it was operating from a higher level of awareness I was not. I was explaining that the most important thing in my life right now is to learn to stay in this peaceful, clear perspective when I look around me...to not be consumed by thoughts about others, myself and circumstance that can quickly pull me into judgement, narrative, and a rationalization about why I should be upset. I want to detach to some degree and remain undisturbed regardless of what Life offers me...and I wrote how I was learning to do that even in this challenging living arrangement I have going on. While I was writing her I was experiencing peace, a soothing sense of detachment and a decreased need for "urgent change" even though the situation was far from pleasant or what would be deemed as "a healthy environment" by most mental health professionals. I could see so clearly how my mind was the culprit in any sense of suffering I might have, not the circumstances. It was very profound.
I walked away from my writing feeling a renewed committment to my mission to wake up, to place compassion, loving kindness and selfless service at the top of my priority list. I decided to offer a physical service to another in need and was looking forward to moving my body and mind as one unit in this endeavour. It turned out to be a bigger and more challenging job than I expected. Lovely while I was doing it. I staid very mndful but it did physically exhaust me. When I left that job to return to this situation I have going on here, with a few very obvious triggers brought to my attention, I suddenly found myself less peaceful. I was vulnerable to habit mind and somehow decided to follow it into its tale of "this shouldn't be" . Just like that the ticker started acting up...the pelvic and abdominal pain came back with a venegance... and I guess, I fell from grace. I was reactive to other people's unconsciousness...very reactive. I was angry at myself...knowing , once again, that change had to be made. Realizing that change was not going to come with my simply saying, "Change has to be made now!" I knew I had to step up my level of assertiveness ten fold which in those moments I did not have the energy to do. So I fell back into old patterns of resenting, resisting being repulsed, and beating myself up for these changes not being made. I got swept up by the drama and story of this situation. Once again, I became a "victim" to others, circumstance and Life again. It happened so fast.
After a very rough night with the physical pain and overactive problem mind, I woke up cranky and so lost in this story. It was awful. And to top it all off we arranged to have the roof done that day because it was not going to handle another rain. (I had to borrow though I didn't want to and I have absolutely no idea how I am going to pay it back.) This added to my sense of victim in a problematic world mind. I was not seeing clearly. I was angry and blaming others and Life for putting me in this situation. I was feeling absolutely miserable physically...exhausted, sick to my stomach, in pain. Yuck! I was setting myself up for a day of being on the couch. My mind was telling me that is all I could do and I was obeying.
The Question
As they were clammering above my head and I could see through the windows the old tile coming down...I remembered what I learned about the disquise Sloth and Torpor often arrive in. And I found myself asking, "Will curling up with this negativity help you in the long run? Maybe you should just try to do something other than this." I got up, got dressed and went outside to at least supervise if not assist. I found myself picking up a few of the old roof tiles and putting them in the bin...the next thing I knew I was lugging and tugging loads of the same. I found myself bending down and putting all my energy into the simple process of taking old tiles from one place to another...back and forth, back and forth. I was not attached to any outcome. I was so in the moment. I was helping, moving my body, doing something productive and soothing at the same time. My depleted energy, instead of becoming more depleted, returned... my pain, though still there, was manageable. I felt better. I started working with the very people who I was resentful of only hours before...feeling kind and compassionate. My heart was open. I was truly enjoying this process. I was calm and peaceful though active. I found myself, once again, experiencing grace. Why?
I had stopped thinking, was removed and detached from this story I had. When I got out of my head I naturally stopped judging others...and though I could see their unconsciousness...I was no longer judging it or them for it. Everything natually without any effort from me fell into a state of Grace.
The Moral
Once again I was reminded that when we experience suffering..Life is not the problem...mind is. We can all achieve grace without doing anything but being willing to step away from the stories we created in our minds about it. Sure we may slip back into habit mind from time to time ...we may continue to go back and forth many times before we awaken fully but the most important thing is that we keep making our way back to peace everytime we realize we have slipped back into old habits.
Life is so much easier and more peaceful when we see clearly.
All is well!
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