Thus you should think of this fleeting world: A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream; a flash of lightening in a summer cloud, a flickering lamp, a phantom and a dream.
From the Diamond Sutra, page 238
To start with a thought from my head or one from someone else's, is the question I often ask myself when I plop myself down here. Do I write down a quote I came across today that resonates in me and write to that...or do I write and then find a quote that applies to what I have written?
Thought First.
I have been pondering , once again, this idea of non-self that I am struggling to experience directly and at the same time I am pondering the impact challenging life situations have on any idea of "self" we might have. Why does it feel so personal when things are challenging? Why does it feel like this "me" is being attacked? Is it Karma or curse that this "little me", I am obviously still too identified with, is experiencing? Do we really have to deal with all that crap head on?
I was also seeing today how sometimes, after all my practice, I am still running from what I judge as "unpleasant" into "pleasant seeking", even if it is only done through fantasy. I still catch myself thinking and dreaming about some rescue from these situations, from the moment, instead of just accepting them and all they offer. I recently found myself in a mental state of worry and fear once again when I realized that I will be without the small income I was earning caring for someone at a time that I am also in even more debt: new roof and new grandbabies to help support. The knot in my belly began to twist and turn. I resisted that feeling and ran off into a fanatsy of desire. I found myself imagining selling something I wrote, or finding a job that met my creative needs and allowed me to earn a decent living. I even viusalized getting to the point I was free of debt. I wondered what that would feel like not having to worry about money, having that knot in my belly untangled. I imagined all my efforting here finally having a fruitful outcome that stripped me of worrying about paying the bills and keeping the house. I was a succesful writer, teacher, speaker. I found myself living in a fantasy in my head and it was lovely. I was desiring big time. While my exaggerated version of reality seemed unpleasant, (I was a seperate "little me" cursed with bad luck or karma, poor and broke and destined to be that way for the rest of my life) , this desiring was very pleasant. I kind of clung with white knuckles to the door frame of that fantsay when the wise Self called me back to my moment. I didn't want to go back. But I have evolved enough to know that this desiring will not end my suffering. It just distracts me from it. So I came back to here and now. The only way out is through, right?
Sigh...
So I want to talk about all of that. You ready?
I guess we could begin by addressing the understanding that thoughts have no reality or permenance.
The Impermenance of Thought
When a rainbow appears we see many beautiful colours-yet a rainbow is not something we can clothes ourselves with, or wear as an ornament: it simply appears through the conjunctions of various conditions. Thoughts arise in the mind in just the same way. They have no tangible reality or existence at all. There is therefore no logical reason why thoughts should have so much power over us...Dilgo Khyenste Rinpoche, page 237-238
My thought that I am "poor" and will be for the rest of my life is empty, lacking in sustenance and solidity. The thoughts that my life will be so much better than it is now when I become successful and get paid for what I love to do...is also empty, lacking in any tangible thing to hold onto. The thought of "me" as a seperate little entity, cursed with bad karma is empty of existence, as well. The future "when" in my fantasy...pfff...nothing but smoke futuily trying to hide the only time there is...now. Even the thought of an "I"...of a "me" has no power unless I give it power. . I give my thoughts power when I follow them, when I allow the mind to trap me and decieve me.
My fantasy was a collecion of thoughts ...a movie was being played in my mind and I was so enthralled by that movie that for a while I didn't notice I was thinking. Then I began to realize I was thinking. The more practice I do...the more frequently and the more quickly I begin to recognize that I am being carried off by the mind. At first I resisted coming back down to reality. When I was ready...this collection of thoughts evaporated away as if they were bubbles on a stream. Once I was back in my breath, my body, my moment I could examine my thoughts more clearly. I could see that the thought that led to my fantasy: of there being a seperate little entity being punished by the universe was very fleeting...it arose and left ...By the time I was back in my moment it had changed and morphed into the thought "Hey...sometimes Life is difficult. It has nothing to do with me."
The circumstances of my life lack longevity as well and they are the conditions that help to form thoughts. They, like the thoughts the mind creates in reaction to them, come and they go. Right now I am broke, a week ago I had enough to pay the mortgage, next week I will have more or less than I have now. Always changing...arising and dissolving with nothing solid to hold onto...are the happenings of our lives. And our thoughts , in reaction to these happenings, do the same.
So that can take us back to understanding non-self.
Non-Self
When we examine and see the impermenance of thought, we see the impermenance of self.
There is nothing personal about Life because there is nothing personal period.
When one perceives impermanence, the perceptions of non-self is stabilized. One who percieves non-self eradicates the conceit "I am". The Buddha, page 238
This notion of little me we have is constantly changing, is it not? It is a thought or concept and like all thoughts it will come and go. Just like our thoughts constantly change, just like our circumsatnces and all phenomena change ...this little me is not permanent.
So there is nothing being done to me. Because there is no "me" and there is nothing solid in that thing we think is happening to us. That brings me to the next thing to discover...how the fantasy doesn't save us.
No Future Salvation
Desire itself is impermanent. It doesn't have to be gratified before it leaves us. My fantasy did disappear as quickly as it arose, without it having to come true first and by noting when it disappeared I was able to see the impermenant nature of desire itself. Thinking that desire is something that can remove us from the unpleasant is just a trick of the mind. Desire itself will not last.
Hmm! I am not sure if this reflecting did anything for you, but it cleared up some things for me.
All is well!
Jospeh Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True: Boulder
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