On the relative level, we live and act and relate as individuals with one another, with all our personal stories and histories. On the ultimate level, there's no self, no "I", no one there at all.
Joseph Goldstein, page 74 Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True.
One of the lessons I have the hardest time actualizing in Buddhist teachings is the idea of non-self. I can get that most of the things we grab for in the world of form are unsatisfyng and that everything is impermenant but when it comes to this idea that nothing is personally happening to me...I struggle. I can intellectually understand that concept but I have a hard time directly experiencing it. It is like "I know it" but "I don't feel it." Especially when things seem to go wrong in numbers!
I have had a challenging weekend...waiting on one grandbaby I was expecting to come ( turned out to be a false alarm) so I could run to look after my son's daughter; worried about the family and the man I was caring for and sadly we lost him; and last night my daughter called me at 2 am...she was beginning an early labour at 33 weeks. Again, with COVID restrictions, all I could do is advise, suppport and offer presence from a distance via text. Sigh! They were able to stop the labour with meds and are in the process of strengthening baby's lungs with cortisone injections into Mom. The goal is to get her to 35 weeks. But it is all up to baby.
Maybe it is just the sleep dep and the pain that seems to get worse with stress and sleep dep...but man, it feels so darned personal. Even when the "little me" is nothing but a bystander in all these things.
I know that what happened has nothing to do with "me"...whatever this "me" is. Life isn't attacking me ...selecting my form and mind as a target for "bad" things. And really there is no such thing as "bad" without judgements from this "little me" which is really nothing but a concept. Yet I find myself lost in this sense of personal attack, personal challenge, a "me-me" inflicted with suffering, yet again when I observe the suffering of others. There is very much a "self" that I am experiencing whether it is a delusion or not.
I will work on moving from the relative to the ultimate level. In the mean time... Please pray, meditate, or send healing intentions their way, will ya?
All is well!
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