Spirit is in a state of grace forever. Your reality is only spirit. Therefore you are in a state of grace forever.- ACIM
ACIM
I strongly feel to the point of "knowing conceptually "this point of truth that we are all in a state of grace forever...but right now I just don't experience that grace directly.
Confused
Sigh! ( and that is a pathetic sigh). I am so confused.
I often write about being caught between dream state and a full waking up...between ego and this version of being I want to give the world...between gratifying "little me's" needs and those of the greater Self....between doing and being. I am in an in-between state of knowing grace conceptually and knowing grace directly. Knowing grace directly brings peace.
I also know in my heart that the source of all man's suffering is not life circumstance but our reaction to it. ...what the mind does. I truly, truly see that now...this is the beginning of grace.
When we truly experience grace...we experience the serenity of simply allowing things to be. We remain calm and undisturbed in the face of adversity. We deal with the unconsious behaviour of others without getting all reactive. We stop blaming, judging, being repulsed by or angry over what others do or where they are at in their own process of waking up to grace. Other people cannot disturb our peace or add to it. We are okay with the impermanence of things and understand suffering better. We stop getting caught up in our stories and self made identities and see the deeper connection. We look out at the world with a calm, open, somewhat detached and clear perspective. This is the wisest way to live.
I know that! I want to experience that knowing directly more than anything! So I study, read, watch, listen and learn. I practice and I pratice...and I am making my way there...I am waking up but I am still in the confused state of waking up...not sure what is real, wondering if I am still dreaming...half wanting to jump out of bed and at the same time wanting to close my eyes and go back to sleep because it is easier.
Going Bak and Forth
When I deal with challenges like my present living situation...I see myself going back and forth between dealing with it calmly and peacefully and dealing with it reactively. I do want to deal with this calmly, clearly, compassionately as I would if Grace was in charge. But I often deal with it with my old, reactive habit mind.
I find myself, angry, fearful, judging, repulsed, wanting to run away and push away in regards to my present living situation. As a result of being occassionally onsumed by these twisted mind patterns my body is following suit. I am physically ill...this pelvic pain is now accompanied by abdominal pain, affecting my ability to eat (ulcer?). I spend hours bent over every evening. Some days are worse than others. My heart is also responding to stress the way it does. I am finding it very challenging to do anything physical. I am so exhausted and my ability to assert myself has greatly diminished. This is where the challenge and confusion comes in.
Those whom I live with seem to believe as long as I am not saying "This has to change Now!", all is good. So though I have and had many, many sit down conversations about the need for this change, a stronger and more committed type of assertion is needed before change will happen. And I don't seem to havethat level of aggression and force in me.
There is this intense feeling of guilt that arises with that. I tend to self deprecate because I see my not being able to be as assertive as needed here to make change as being an injustice not only to myself (whoever or whatever that is) but to this person because it is enabling. Yet when I am sometimes assertive in response to getting my needs met and when I confront the other's behaviours I feel guilty for reacting, for judging, for not being able to see beyond the unconscious behaviour, for not being compassionate enough and for not following through with my practice of selfless service. When I see others taking advantage of my committment to "selfless service" I get angry...then I feel guilty for being angry.
How can I get lost in aversion because others are seemingly taking advanatage of what I assume is "mine" when there is no "me, mine or self"? So I pull back into silence. I try to detach. I find space between me and them. And suddenly I feel grace. I feel peace.
Until....
I feel peaceful, centered, in the arms of grace...until I am made aware once again that my needs, others needs and rights are not being considered. Until I realise that this place is not being used as a place to heal but a place to hide while the need for instant gratification is fed regardless of who might get hurt, until I am reminded that I or others are enabling this unwholesome energy. ...or until I reach into the fridge to find the last two drops of milk I asked to have saved for my tea is gone. :)
It is a very confusing time and when it comes to dealing with challenging situations like my living situation and the people involved I go back and forth from dealing with it from a higher perspective and dealing with it from a lower.
Sigh!
Why do we get so confused between these states of being...on our way to grace?
I wrote this back in February 2018.
I am afraid of the landing even though I actively sought it. So what do I do instinct wise- I grab onto ego thoughts and ideas, names and identities...anything that will break my fall. Yet, I am aware enough to know that if I grab onto anything I will go nowhere. I will remain stuck. I also know (or think I know because of my understanding of science lol) that the softest landing is one where I do not tense up and resist the impact. So I feel like a mess because I am trying to cling, trying to let go. I am trying to fall gently into grace and at the same time I am tensing up and resisting the fall.
That is where I am right now in my awakening. Not near the grace I long for but getting there. At this point I have this inner feeling that I do not need to do anything but continue falling. It is ego that tells me I have to grab, cling, fix this moment of free fall. It is spirit that tells me to just lay back in the space and let the moment be. Grace already has her strong protective arms around me. I am safe. I was always safe even though I know nothing.
Maybe it is all grace...this confusion, this reaction, what my life situation offers me in the form of a learning lesson. Maybe it is natural and okay to find ourselves reacting a bit ...clinging to some old mind habits...when we begin to wake up and free fall into grace.
Embrace that you sometimes must use aggression and force to get others to back off if they have felt entitled to your energy, time and resources. Accept that this does not make someone like you narcissitic, irresponsible or entitled, but expresses your self love and dignity.
Doug Noll
Not Knowing
I have a hard time with "aggression and force" but maybe being strongly assertive is a part of my practice...I really do not know...I really do not know anything and that is another reason why waking up is so darned confusing. All those things, ideas, and ways of doing we once were so convinced were the only way to approach others, circumstances and life with crumble into pieces and we realize we really do not know anything about anything. That is a strange feeling...
It is then , I suppose , we must remind ourselves...that regardless of what seems to be happening around us, ergardles of how onfused we may feel in this waking up... we are in a state of grace forever. Grace will take us there.
All is well!
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