Waking Up in a Busy World: From Blaming to Happiness

Happiness is available. Please help yourselves to it.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Who is responsible for this happiness?

Hmm! I think we may all conceptually know on the most basic of levels that we create our own internal environment (karma) and that no one out there can make us feel anything. Yet knowing conceptually and living as if this were the truth are two entirely different things, are they not?

Putting the Blame outside ourselves

How many times a day do you catch yourself thinking, "She makes me so mad!" or saying out loud, "You hurt my feelings...or you disappoint me...or you frustrate me!" or even, "You ruined my life!" ? How many times a day to you catch yourself blaming something or someone "out there" for any discomfort you may be feeling "in here"? Well...you may not catch yourself doing it...but unless you are very evolved, I gaurantee that you are slipping into this mental state more than once a day. It is the "normal" thing we humans do. But just because it is normal...does not mean it is the most skillful way to live. It will not help us build healthy relationships and it will not help us to experience this happiness that we are told is available. Infact, this type of mind set will probably lead us farther away from happiness.

We React

Let's face it...we react! We react when people speak to us or treat us in a certain way we perceive as bad, wrong, or shouldn't be. We may feel something "unpleasant" if their approach to us is less than considerate or compassionate. We may feel the sting of rejection, anger, resentment, hurt, disappointment, frustration, fear when they say something or do something that we judge as wrong, bad or shouldn't be. Because we feel the sting of the unpleasant in response to their actions (or lack of) we have been conditioned to blame them for our feelings and our messed up internal environment . Then we counter their actions with our own. (Usually with a sense of blame, defense and attack.) . That leads to a messy external environment as well as a messy internal environment. Yuck!

Where then is this happiness that Thich Nhat Hanh says is available to all of us? I don't know where it is. I just know that as long as we are projecting responsibility and blame outside of ourselves and onto other people and other things we are certainly not going to find it. We are going to continually react with blame.

Equanimity

What we need to do is approach everything with equanimity...which can be defined in many ways: mental calmness, composure, evenness of temper, without judgement, preference or aversion, especially in stressful or difficult situations.

Can you stay calm and composed when someone is telling you off or doing something very destructive in front of you?

Let's face it...people are going to do things we don't like. They are going to seemingly p+&& us off. Yet it is through not reacting to their behaviours that we will find a certain peace...even if not reacting is often considered a "no-no" in today's society. We are told over and over to stand up for ourselves, not to let the "bullies" win, fight back...get angry instead of passive. Yet when we do this we forget a very important law of Karma. No one outside of us is responsible or to blame for our lives. Our lives are merely a result of our actions.

We are all heirs to our own actions. Our happiness or unhappiness is dependent on our actions, and not merely on our wishes.

We may wish that "things" were different; that "other people" were different so that our lives would be different and we could be happy. What we need to realize, however, is that our wishes do not determine our satisfaction with life. They will not change what kinds of lives we are living...they will not fix the messes we may be experiencing inside. Only we can do that through our actions.

Mary or John are not responsible for our happiness and we are not responsible for theirs. They may wish us ill or wish us well but the only things that will determine our happiness or lack of is our actions. We are responsible for the actions we choose. We may wish them well or wish them ill...but that will have little impact on the lives they are living, externally or internally. Their happiness or unhappiness is dependent on their actions, not my wishes. They are responsible for the actions they choose.

Yes... happiness is all around, available to all of us when we act skillfully in a way that opens us up to it.

Skillful Action

What does skilfull action entail...it includes our thoughts, perceptions, speech, motivations, efforts, intentions, understanding etc...those actions that bring happiness. What types of action brings happiness? Those entrenched in kindness, compassion, non-judgement and that are wise.

This statement: We are all heirs to our own actions. Our happiness or unhappiness is dependent on our actions, and not merely on our wishes....is wise!

So when people really seem to p+&& us off...we need to remember this statements. They are heirs to their own actions. Their happiness or unhappiness is dependent on their actions, not merely on my wishes or on their wishes. I am the heir to my own actions. My happiness or unhappiness is dependent on my actions and not merely my own wishes or theirs. These people who seem to be causing our unease and possibly screwing up our chances for happiness...aren't! They cannot take credit for our happiness or blame for our lack of. Only our actions determine our happiness.

So as they are doing, whatever they are doing that seems to be causing us so much grief...remember that how you act right there and then will determine your happiness. What they may be wishing, saying or doing has little impact. What you say, think, do does! Yelling back or doing even worse in retaliation will not bring you to happiness. Resentment, anger and aversion will not bring you to happiness. Blaming them will not bring you to happiness. Wishing they and Life were different will not bring you to happiness!

Being nondisturbed, detached ( but not indifferent) as you focus on the good within them that may be very hard to see in that moment...will bring you to happiness. Of course, it will take practice to decondition the mind that reacts and balmes others for happiness or lack of. Be kind to yourself as you build your equanimity muscles and learn to see beyond the behaviours of others to the goodness that, like happiness, is always there and available.

I am reminded of this poem :

“ The Paradoxical Commandments

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.”