My post disappeared...I mean totally? What the...that is s bizarre...

Happy Thanksgiving to all who are celebrating today!!!  May your hearts be full of appreciation and your lives full of reasons to be so.

Still it

Still it

Still it
before it is gone

hold your trembling finger 
to  the shutter

feel the perfection
of silence

sink into
the healing pause
that exists
between
each  anxious breath

Release...
let go....
and capture what is before you

still the moment

wrap its essence up
in a beautiful container
 of presence

take it beyond your eye
your glass
your mind
and into your very being

then...
and only then
pass it on

let your life become a
transparent offering
of what is

 c Dale-Lyn October 2019
(as inspired by Eckhart Tolle's words this morning https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zcurl7QUCw  and my love of photography)

Delicious Autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.
George Eliot

The Need for Acceptance of Life and Love

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
-Marcus Aurelius (Brainy Quote)

My learning keeps bringing me back to this: all our so called problems with life are in our minds and in our minds only.  There are two things that hold us back from being "free", expanding,  joyous, peaceful and embracing the here and now. Those two things are:

• Resistance to what is
• the "little me" the ego has created with its "me, my and mine " focus.

Dealing with Resistance

So what do we do about it?  We learn to put down our resistance and do what Tao Lzu teaches....become as soft and supple as water.  We let go and accept. 

"What?  You want us to give up?"

In a way...yes...but there is a big difference between giving up and letting go.  I am by no means encouraging anyone to curl up in a ball in the fetal position and stay there.  I simply mean...we need to let go of our resistance.  We need to stop fighting and struggling against what is...against the moment...against Life.  Let go of the resistance and the struggle.  Accept what is not yours to control!

I love the Serenity prayer (so much so...I named my yoga studio "Serenity Yoga").

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

There is very little, "out there"  that we can change, that we have a "right" to change or that will make the real "problem"  go away if we do change it.  If there are changes to be made, they are likely internal changes that involve the way we think.

Life is not out to get us.  In fact there is very little personal in it.  We therefore, do not have to struggle to keep some sort of a status quo.  We do not need to resist it...we just need to change the way we think about it.  We need to put away "this is bad...it therefore must be fought off, pushed away or fixed," mentality.

Resistance is so very draining! And it isn't effective, is it?  How many times has your crying out "Oh no!" changed the situation you were in? All the energy we put into resisting "what is" could be better spent living, don't you think?

That living begins with accepting the moment for all it offers...be it sunshine or rain...pleasure or pain...joy or sadness. A certain relief comes when we finally get that and we put down our heavy shields and our weapons of attack, when we put down our need to fight the moment as if it were an enemy....when we just accept it for whatever it is.  We become lighter, freer.

Hmmm!

Go Beyond the "Little me" mentality

We also need to realize at some point that "it isn't all about me." Life isn't that personal. There is almost 8 billion people on this planet and trillions of other beings. Earth is just one planet in a solar system and our solar system is just one in an infinite galaxy of more.  We are not being signalled out for the "bad things" that happen.  They just happen.

This "me...me" focus doesn't protect us from pain and suffering...it makes it worse.  With the more me, my and mine...the more separation, competition, defense and attack that takes place.  This leads to more isolation and a disconnect from each other and from the source of all Life. More "bad things" are bound to happen.  Our "little me" focus is pulling the world into darkness instead of toward the light of understanding I believe we are here to find.

Most of us know by now, how good it feels, how right it feels when we are selflessly caring for another.  It feels good for a reason...it is our natural inclination. We need to care more for others...all others...not just those who help keep this idea of "little me" thriving.  We do not need to build more borders or weapons of destruction that go against our nature...we need to build more compassion and acts of kindness. We do not need more devices that disconnect...we need more connection!

Anyway...I digress.  That is the learning I am left with: If we want to heal ourselves and therefore the world...we need to stop resisting and we need to expand beyond the little me.

But who am I and what do I know? :)

All is well!

In a Sacred Manner

Do everything in a sacred manner....honor the now!
-Eckhart Tolle

The Photos

I finally got out to shoot on Thursday!!! Oh man I missed having a camera in my hands. And it was the most amazing day with the most amazing scenery. The colours...OMG!  The camera loved them.  If it wasn't for those captured colours, it was the type of day that could make the most amateurish of us an Ansel Adams. Our province is absolutely breathtaking in autumn. So very grateful

 I can't get the details about what I shot these in for some reason. Sure it was aperture priority with about a 55mm lens.  ISO 200...not sure what SS or f stop. As if you really wanted to know lol.

The Quote

I was thinking about that man in the photos when I came across that quote.  He is often in a state of "pre-thought" and though it can be concerning and even infuriating at those times I allow my ego to resist his nature...for the most part I am so envious! He can be so connected to the now.  He treats it as sacred and he honors it without even trying to.  He doesn't seem to have to work his way through a thick dense cloud of thinking, analyzing, judging, condemning and can just be so there, like he was in these shots. (He wasn't posing lol...all shots are candid....which I so prefer).  He radiates peace and nature welcomes him like one of her own.

Sigh!  I, on the other hand, need a pick axe, chisel  and a saw to get through the thinking in my head....especially after an incident that occurred after our nature experience. :) I find myself too often, using this moment as a means to the next...rushing through it, without appreciating what I am doing in each here and now. 

If we treat the moment as sacred we would honor it and see the beauty in it.  We wouldn't view it and use it as if it was just something in our way, would we? Each step, on this path would be something to respect and honor.

I am just so grateful I had a few hours to reconnect with the earth and landscape, to get my bearings, to find myself "Present" before I once again had to deal with what I dealt with.  And I am grateful for having this man in my life and for what he can teach me about simply being there.

All is well!

Let it be so completely that labels are not necessary in the mind.
Eckhart Tolle


Eckhart Tolle (March 2016) Eckhart Tolle Omega 7. Namaste Publishing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMGdZ7bWHuU&spfreload=5

Resistance to Learning

As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery...We have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace.
-Dalai Lama

Have we all learned that?

No, last night reminds me that we haven't and there are some people who are actively resisting that truth.  Why?  They are reaching out for external means by which to numb and end suffering. What they choose as a means causes more suffering for themselves and others. When one asks them to choose differently, the resistance is so immense it knocks one down. It is resistance that keeps  them in misery

It is a vicious cycle , as an observer and bystander, I don't know how to break.  It isn't my job to break it anyway.  The creator of the cycle is the one who must break it but when they do not want to for whatever reason....their circling creates a vortex that pulls us all in. It is such a chaotic mess...and personally, even though this really isn't about "me", I am completely exhausted by it.

I am not exhausted by the illness, or even the behaviour that so often results from choices...I am exhausted by the resistance to getting better...the 101 reasons why this person has to do what they do and how any...any...other suggestion is not even worth trying because it just won't work or as often said,  "I don't want to do that."

Sigh! How does one help in that situation?

All will be well.

Keep It Simple...Sister

They should think their (course) food sweet; their (plain) clothes beautiful; their (poor) dwellings places of rest; and their common (simple)  ways sources of enjoyment.
-Lao Tzu ( Chapter /Verse 80...translation of Tao Te Ching by James Legge...1895)

Hmm!

It is challenging for most of us to do that, isn't it?  We too often live in a perpetual state of needing/wanting/ striving for more, don't we?

I spent the last five - seven years lamenting over what I was losing, focusing on scarcity and comparison making as material things were disappearing from my life: a career, secure income,  savings, investments, titles, designations etc.  Even my dwelling, which became poorer in appearance with my inability to maintain it the way I  wanted to, was on the line of disappearing as well. I lamented about that...I was looking at how much others seem to have around me and not focusing on the fact that I actually had more than many. I thought I needed a certain amount of material abundance to be okay and until I got it back or stopped it from being taken away, I would not be okay. What I had was not enough!

Well...it was only not enough in my mind, a mind  that could never seem to be content with the "simple" ...with what is.  The Universe more or less teaching me to Keep It Simple ...Sister.

I had food though maybe course.  I had clothing though maybe plain.  I had a place of rest and I had a means of enjoyment through the simple things around me.  That was all I needed...all I ever needed and it took me some time to realize that.

As long as we are striving for more and discontent with where we are and what we have...we cannot find peace , joy, wellness (what many of us call 'happiness').  Where I find my delight these days is not in "things" but in healing my mind.

Hmmm! All is well!

If one's life is simple, contentment has to come.  Simplicity is extremely important for happiness. Having few desires, feeling satisfied with what you have, is very vital - satisfaction with just enough food, clothing, and shelter to protect yourself from the elements.  And finally there is an intense delight in abandoning faulty states of mind and in cultivating helpful ones in meditation.
-Dalai Lama (Insight from the Dalai Lama calendar (2018) Andrew McMeel Publishing)

Mentally Skunked

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi (as translated by Coleman Barks) 

 

I sit here feeling the rumble of a host of uninvited  guests in my guest house.  I don't like the energy they bring and I want them to leave.  But I guess they are here for a reason and I must play the gracious host.

(Man...I am resisting those big white blocks that come when I cut and paste lol)

Skunked!

I was awakened at six by two skunked dogs who jumped back up on the bed with me after passing by the oblivious perceptions of the person who let them in. I resisted that moment big time, let me tell ya!

Resisting What Is

After a somewhat disturbed sleep ( ticker acting up a bit) I really wanted to sleep in.  I wanted this situation  to be handled by anyone other than me. I tried the pillow over my head thing but nope...wasn't going to work. I tried the yelling out and transfer of responsibility  thing; "Your dogs are skunked!"...that wasn't going to cut it either.  I then tried hiding somewhere beneath the thick cloud of curse words that were suddenly bumping around in my head...but no...the stench still reached me.

Being the only one who thinks she knows how to handle this type of situation (because I am usually the only one that does) and  being the only one who seemed to see a need for it to be handled...I dragged myself from bed, my jaw tight from resentment, my tone curt and demanding and I proceeded to very reluctantly handle the crisis.

As soon as I approached them with the bucket of prewash, the two recipients of  an unwilling prey's fight and flight response knew what type of guests I had in me.  They looked up at me with watering  eyes that said: "Oh Crap! "

They did not fight me, they simply cowered down  and allowed me to take the bubbling concoctions I created to them as I growled about how at this point they should know better. 

" After five sprayings, you should realize that those black and white  cats with the fluffy tails are not worth the thrill of chase they seem to give you."  With heads down with shame, they allowed me to rub my concoction into them.

" Learn from your mistakes!" I went on later when I had them in the tub, where   I scrubbed and rinsed, choking on the odor myself.  "Blah, blah, blah, blah"

No Learning!

They just listened to my in depth and very articulate argument with blank eyes and tail between their legs.  There would be  no learning.   So when they were finally freed from the tub and shook the remains of their morning's experience all over me, they walked away no further enlightened than they were earlier that morning.  They left me, their teacher, with nothing but  soaking wet slippers,  a nose full of a stench that would be with me for days, a head full of curse words and a guest house full of unwanted guests. Sigh! I have a hard time when other beings do not learn from their mistakes.

Hmmm! I have a hard time when I don't learn from my own mistakes!

I realize that once again, I  became rigid and firm, resistant to what is. I was resisting the life experience(the dogs getting skunked on a morning I wasn't feeling 100%)  and I was resisting the emotional and mental experience ...(the guests in my guest house ). My resistance did not do anything but make the morning, the moment harder than it had to be.

What If?

What if, the next time this happens, and it will happen again...I were to laugh at the situation and invite all the guests at my door in with that laughter? What if I were to get up and instead of a tight jaw, I put a smile on my face? What if I noticed the way I was feeling and was simply okay with it? What is I was open to whatever Life put in front of me and was amused and entertained by it rather than frustrated? What if I simply stopped resisting what is?  What would my moment, my morning, and my Life be like then?

I want to be a guest house where I can laugh with all my guests and one "I" can be content in.  What about you?

Rumi. The Guest House from https://www.scottishpoetrylibrary.org.uk/poem/guest-house/

The Final Verses of Tao Te Ching

With all the sharpness of the Way of Heaven; It injures not; with all the doing in the way of the sage, he does not strive.
-Lao Tzu (last line of Legge's translation of  Tao Te Ching)


Without intending to I have been doing eight verses of the Tao a month.  I mean, I know I was translating a translation but I didn't realize I was doing it monthly lol.  Anyway... I thought I would finish them up.

Verse/Chapter 75

The only reason why people suffer famine is because of the amount of taxes their  superiors charge them so they can live in wealthy excess. This awareness of inequality makes the people hard to govern.  They do not fear death and that cannot be used as a means to control them.  They make light of death because they are starving.  What have they got to lose when do not set a high value on their lives?

Note:  I may have implied too much here in my own translation of the translation.

My Take Away: We cannot govern and lead others in an effective way if we are more interested in exploiting the little they have for our own material gains. If we put them in a situation where they have so little they are fighting to survive eventually their lives will mean little.  A better and more equal distribution of wealth will be more effective?

Verse/ Chapter  76

Man is supple and weak at birth, strong and firm at death as it is with all of nature. The concomitants of death are strength and firmness; the concomitants of life are softness and weakness. It is the strength of a tree that leads it to be cut down.  If we rely solely on our strengths we will not conquer. The place of what is firm and strong is below (inferior?) and the place that is soft and weak
(vulnerable?) is superior?

My Take Away: I think this means when we are more accepting...supple and weak... like a newborn we are more likely to conquer the adversities of life??? It is firmness and strong resistance, maybe, that leads to man's downfall.

Verse/ Chapter 77

The Way is compared to the bending of a bow. That which was high is brought low and that which was low is raised up.  Heaven diminishes where there is superabundance and supplements where there is deficiency. This is the way of Heaven, not the way of man.  Man tends to take from those who have less to add to his own superabundance. Only those who are in possession of the Toa will take their superabundance and share it with all. Therefore the [evolved?] ruling sage does not wish to display his superiority by claiming that the results of sharing are his or by being arrogant.

My Take Away: Equal distribution, and harmony is the way of Heaven.  Competing for more at the expense of his brothers is the way of man. Only those who follow the Way will do as heaven does.

Verse/Chapter 78

By witnessing the way water is able to overcome the strongest, everyone knows that the soft overcomes the hard and the weak is strong ...yet no one is able to carry it out in practice.

Really don't understand this part that Legge has put into verse:

Therefore, the sage has said,

"He who  accepts his state's reproach

has hailed therefore its altars lord;

to him who bears men's direful woes

They all the name of King's accord."

 

If you accept what the state is doing you are making the men responsible for such suffering a lord under the King's orders?  Have to look at this some more.

 

Words that are strictly true seem to be paradoxical? Nothing makes sense.

My Take Away: ??

 

Verse/ Chapter 79

 

When conflict between two parties is supposedly resolved, the one who was wrong still tends to hold a grudge so this really doesn't benefit the other party [those that were wronged]. To guard against this the sage keeps the "left hand" portion of the record and does not expect that the retributions to the wronged party take place right away. If a man has the attributes of the Toa he looks at the agreement very objectively without emotion and if he doesn't he only looks at the parts of the agreement that suit him selfishly.

 

In the Way of Heaven there is no partiality to Love; it is always on the side of the good man.

My Take Away: As above

 

 

Verse/ Chapter 80

 

This was a bit perplexing:

 

If ruling a small population "I" [ the leader? Lao Tzu?] would not make people use their abilities for profit (?) nor would I allow them to avoid looking at death even if they feared it. There should be no escaping what is????(My take).  Even though they had carriages to get away, they would not need to use them; even though they had weapons to fight with or defend with , they would not need to. I would make them return to knotted cords?...a way of calculating and expressing without characters or words. Maybe, indicating a need to go back to a simpler time.

 

They should find peace with what they have and where they are at not seeing the "lack, coarseness or plainness" in them.  And even though there may be a neighboring state that they cannot help to be aware of...they will never have the need to go there or have "intercourse with it".

 

My Take Away: I am assuming this is about being satisfied with what one has right here and now and not needing or wanting more.

 

Verse/Chapter 81

 

 

Sincere words are not fine and fine words are not sincere:

 

Sincerity does not come with how well a person articulates as knowledge about the Tao does not come with how much a person supposedly learned about It.

 

Those who know the Toa do not dispute it or argue about it and those who argue do not know it.

 

What the Sage gives, the sage receives.

 

Even though the Way is sharp...It never injures. And no matter what the sage does he does not strive.

My Take Away:  Knowing the Tao is about living it...not talking about it, not arguing in defense of it, not "taking" from it and not striving to "do". ...more about being it?

 

The End!

 

So much wisdom.  Will come back at some point to summarize my learning!  All is well.  

 

 

Legge https://www.sacred-texts.com/tao/taote.htm





Frustrations on the Roller Coaster

There are going to be frustrations in life.  The question is not: how do I escape?  It is: How can I use this as something positive.
-Dalai Lama ( from Desktop calendar...Andrew McMeel Publishing)

Lately, I have been walking a line between frustration and contentment. It is a funny experience to be so on the line when I have spent years of my life going from one emotional intensity to another. I thought life was supposed to be an up and down roller coaster ride and our job was to "do" whatever we could to go up and to do whatever we could to avoid going down. We looked for the highs and did what ever we could to escape the lows.

Of course, that was a strange approach... in this analogy of  a roller caster . We have no control over the ride, do we?  Some One else is operating the  controls and we...if we are smart...are strapped into our seats.  We are going to hit the inclines and the declines of life whenever the ride determines it. The only choice we have is:  Do we want to spend the entire ride  covering  our eyes and screaming  for it  to be over or do we want to learn to  put our arms up in the air and laugh  in excitement  and joy as each downward drop takes us unexpectedly?

The ride is meant to be an amazing and fun one.  But if we have spent most of our lives to date fear based, for whatever reason...it is going to take some time before we get excited over all the dips and rotations. We need to simply begin by taking our hands off our eyes.

Eventually, if we play this right, the ride will become a smooth one...not because the controller has taken away all challenges but because we stop reacting so much to each down ( or to each up). I may not be screaming in excitement and joy at every downward drop lol but I am not dreading or cringing over each drop either.

 I cannot say that I am completely content  with the challenges of my life nor am I overwhelmed with frustration either. I am no longer trying to escape and get off the ride.  I recognize the potentially frustrating situation that may arise for what it is, sigh, accept it in and try to see the positive in it.  I have a ways to go before I master that and am able to throw my arms up in the air at every curve ball thrown my way but I am getting there.

I also notice that I do not react so much to the things that used to excite me.  In fact, I often wonder why they ever excited me in the first place.  I kind of like the smoothness of the ride I am on right now.

I am indeed riding  on ( wobbling on...still do not have complete balance) this smooth line between frustration and contentment.  I guess this ride is called "peace".  I can live with that. :)

All is well

Disenchanted

A true teacher would never tell you what to do.
-Christopher Pike

Oh my!  Oh My!  Oh my! 

Bowing to the Guru?

I have always said that I follow  lessons and not the teacher, right?  I do not bow down and worship the ones who carry and pass on  messages.  I can't even say I revere them in the way they do in India. It is customary there to honor and show great respect for one's chosen Guru.  It is actually a Yoga thing. I, on the other hand, try to know as little as I can about them personally so I can focus solely on the message. I don't want to judge or be biased of the learning they offer  by knowing too much information about them as messengers.   If what they say resonates with me, great...  I take that learning inside and I process it there.

Now, I do  respect their missions as human beings, maybe, but I am cautious of how that mission is carried out. I separate message from messenger.  I would never jump into a teacher's following even though I may like what they say and how they teach. I absorb the message but not them.(Or at least I didn't think I did).  Being embodied in human forms, I know that egos can quickly take over a teaching mission (or even begin it) regardless of how pure and essential that message is.

Thin Line between  Guru Worship and a Cult Following

This is how the so called "cult" comes about. We have to be very, very careful about Guru worship and the motivation behind the teaching!  I have been , incidentally, interested in the socialization of cults and how people get lost in them for years now.  For that reason, I prefer to seek  in my own environment in my own way for fear of getting lost in such  socialized ideology behaviour.

Disenchanted

 I bring this up now because I am disenchanted.  I am feeling like a beautiful message I have received is now tainted because I have come to learn that the person who brought it to me via   his writing and translation of Patanjali's sutras was deemed a cult leader and involved in some very unethical and other-damaging actions.  This is not new...the allegations have been out for over a decade. I just didn't know it because I haven't researched the messenger.

This is the third or forth time this has happened.  I would be reading or listening to someone for a while, very interested in what they had to say and how they said it, quoting them and referring to their words often,  and then the information about their antics would somehow land  on my lap or I would notice a Rolex on a wrist, a Hummer or Rolls Royce in the background.   I would then suddenly  find myself jumping up and away from their teachings as if   a basket of pythons was just emptied on my lap rather than hearsay and allegations about their personal antics. This did not meet my expectation of a teacher of Truth.

Paranoid?

I am not sure if it is  my ego or my wise Self making me acutely aware of ego in these individuals who apparently claim to be egoless. I don't know if it is conditioned paranoia or legitimate concern but I watch for hidden egos in others who lead.  I do not believe there is room for it in those positions.  Though I may listen to a few favorites as they teach...I do not follow anyone for that reason. Nor do I follow one train of teaching.  I love the philosophy of yoga, but I also love many of the teachings of Christianity, Judaism, Taoism, Islam and Buddhism. I see a glorious link amongst them all. I do not want to follow one person or one train of thought.  What does that make me, I wonder.

What I do know is that I am very weary of ego...in others and in my self.

Ego in the Leader


I see ego in those who are reaping great personal material abundance while their so called  followers have so little especially when teaching how unimportant materiality is. 

I see ego  in the need to be revered...this individual allowed others to kiss his feet and bow to him.  Now having a picture up of a respected teacher  as a reminder of what you learned  is okay, as is seen in Hindu tradition, but to have pictures up absolutely everywhere is a conditioning action I believe, that comes from ego.

And to tell a person what to do, think and how to feel, to me, is the ultimate no-no and that which defines a cult leadership....especially when what you tell them to do is unethical ( harmful to others/self) and hypocritical. Even if that telling is done in a very covert way as in subtle manipulation, it is not okay. A true teacher would not tell another what to think, feel or do...they would get the person to look inside themselves and determine what thy were thinking, feeling and desiring to do.

Using others for  the satisfaction of one's own ego needs is not what leadership and mentorship is all about. It makes the perfect recipe fro a cult.

Ego in Me

I  don't want my own ego in the way judging and condemning things I do not understand either. I don't know everything that is going in these places devoted to one leader.   I just know that when the teacher becomes more important than the "original" teachings, there is a problem. At the same time,   I still want to see and appreciate the beauty of the message even when I back away from the messenger. Can I do that?

Is Yoga tainted?

His message is still beautiful. In fact,  it wasn't even his message actually...but his human behaviour (if the allegations are true) are now in the way of the transmission of that message to me.  It feels tainted. Yoga...being that all my disenchantment to date seems to come from leaders in Yoga lately and it is that Yogic culture that promotes Guru worship ...feels somewhat tainted to me.

I feel very confused right now.  Disenchanted. I need time to rethink the message as I put away the works of the messenger.

I need some time to process but I really want to get back to this subject of cults and Guru worship someday very soon.  It is a very interesting phenomena in human behaviour, don't you think? :)

All is well.

Awe! Autumn

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.

Albert Camus

 

Writer's Block

Every noble work is bound to face problems and obstacles.  It is important to check your goal and motivation thoroughly.  ...One's actions should be good for others, and for oneself as well.  Once a positive goal is chosen, you should decide to pursue it all the way to the end.  Even if it is not realized, at least there will be no regret.
-Dalai Lama (from Insights from the Dali Lama Calendar (2018)Andrew McMeel Publishing)

Yesterday I wrote about writer's block and the personal reasons why I experience it in the writing of my sister's story. I later  saved that entry  as a draft because there was too much "me-me" story in it. Anyway, I am blocked not only in the writing but the remembering and the healing. I am facing the "problems" and "obstacles" his holiness speaks of.  And now I need to check my goal and motivation for writing this.

Is this, first of all a 'noble work'?  What makes a noble work? That which is good for others and for oneself.  Hmmm!

Is this good for others?

I began to write this for my sister thinking it would be good for her but she is no longer alive.  Wherever she is now, will this still be good for the essence she is/was? I wanted to honor her memory, tell the story she never had a chance to tell the world.  Really what good does it do her now? 

I also wonder why I want to put memories down on paper. What is a memory but a wisp of stored thought, often fragmented and distorted, a clinging to an idea of time that removes us from the only life there is right here and right now...? 

How can I put her memories down when memories are so unique to the person perceiving?  Even though we shared a past our perception of it differs, our experiences differ. They would have to be my memories, what I perceived and what I can recall in my own fragmented recollections. Will that be good for her memory?

Does it do any good to tell this story?  What will it do to the memory of others in the story who are painted as victimizers?  How will those still clinging to some "ideals" they have of our shared past  feel when painful truths recalled from another threaten to break those walls down?

Hmmm! It will be truthful, honest and reasonable I hope and truth is always good for others, isn't it? It also may offer some inspiration and motivation for healing in others who have experienced something similar.  And I am so determined that it will be well written, even if I have to rewrite each chapter 100 times,  so  it will be a book worth reading.

Is it good for me?

I often fear that my ego is actually motivating this work rather than spirit.  Ego wants to write a great story that will publish and sell, giving "me" literary acclaim.  It knows, indeed, that truth is often stranger (and more sellable) than fiction. I don't want that to be the reason I pursue this.  If that is my motivation, it is not a "noble work".

I do, however, want to tell "my" story through my sister's.  It is easier to do it that way.  Yet, can I, in good conscious, use my sister to do that? Is it selfish or just mutually beneficial?

I do need to heal.  She would want that. And writing has always been my medium for expression, healing, transformation.  So writing this story could ultimately be good for me. Couldn't it?

It is helping me to remember certain things that were locked away for decades.

Hmmm!

Pursue it all the way

I already have the half way word count in...45,000 words...halfway there.  I need to do as the Dalai Lama suggests and pursue it all the way.  I have always had this strong compulsion to finish whatever I started.  I have always been good at doing that.  I need to finish this and I will.

Even if it is not realized

Even if it doesn't publish and remains on my desk with all the other unpublished manuscripts I have... it will be okay...I will have done some healing, some remembering, some little honor to my sister...even if it stays between the two of us. How can I regret that?

All is well

Not in the Doing

Life is not in the doing, it is in the being.
-Eckhart Tolle

"What do I do? What do I do?",  we often ask when we feel frightened, anxious, unsettled or even just bored.  We have this compulsion to "do something" to change the situation, to fix the circumstances, to manipulate the event outside of us so we can change the way we feel inside.  We are so determined to do something.  Doing something seems to be the only possible  solution at least at  the time of question. 

I often have that question posed to me by a loved one who is suffering. As soon as she begins to feel anxious, unsettled she begins to ask that question in a very desperate way. She wants me to tell her what to do.  I, unfortunately, do not give her what she feels she needs.  I usually respond automatically and sincerely with, "Nothing...you do not have to do anything.  Just be with it." 

Let me tell ya that seldom goes over very well. In fact, she often sees that response as cold indifference from someone who doesn't understand.  She accuses me of being uncaring and hiding behind a Buddhist front. (Why does everyone automatically assume one is a Buddhist if they say things like that, lol?)  I do not defend or argue with her. I can only sigh at those times and nod my head.

Her fixed belief that doing is necessary leads her to make choices that are often far from healthy.  Sitting and just  being with her emotional experience is not something she will even consider. She feels that her moment  has to be fixed and ended right away in any way it can be!!!

I cannot explain to her what many, many teachers including Tolle teach about spacious presence, about  learning to bring a different consciousness to the moment rather than doing it away. I cannot explain to her about the importance of just accepting where you are right now,  how the end of fear will never be found out there in numbing activity but in the silence and stillness of being.  I can't explain to her that there is no running from fear and sadness...they are temporary life experiences that every human faces and that the more we run from these things the more taken over by doing and suffering we become. no ...she resists those suggestions and once again will ask, "What do I do?"

Hmmm!  I just sigh, nod my head and say, "I don't know.  What do you think you need to do?" That usually doesn't go over very well either.

All is well.


Eckhart Tolle 2019 Ego: The Mountain and the Valley. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NbmbX5YV-8

Oh the mind is such a funny thing!

I wanted to write so badly  about "being" and "doing", how it was so important to do from a place of being but I got so caught up in doing for the sake of doing I wasn't being and now I cannot seem to do what I sat down here to do because I can no longer find the  doing or the being in it. lol 

How is that for a mind twister?

I am going to go regroup with the dogs in a place it all makes sense and I will be back.

It's all good...a little cra-cra maybe... but good !

The Three B's

When faced with a challenging situation don't react. Follow the Three B's instead:  Step Back, Breathe and then Begin again.
-Me


I use to teach my students this simple formula in my Communications classes.  I used it to prepare them for handling nursing crisis but also  to deal with social interactions that go astray. (In nursing, there can be many :))

I see now, after listening to the wonderful lecture from Eckhart Tolle in Ego , Life and Purpose, that I stumbled upon when it seemed to fit the most in my life, how effective it can be for opening us up to the higher Self. That is the way it works though , isn't it?  We really do stumble across the lessons we need the most when we do...even though they may certainly not feel like anything but a headache inducing nightmare at the time. lol

We can use the three B's in our awakening as well, can't we?  If we want to step away from the mental reaction long enough to tap into that place of spacious no-thought, so we can respond with peace and wisdom rather than ego, we can use these little b's to our advantage.

• First B: Back away or take a physical and mental step back and  away from the situation you are encountering.  In this case, step back from the thought stream. Be aware that you are indeed caught up in it and make a conscious choice to step away.  Being aware of it is a huge step in awakening and watching yourself "think" creates a distance between you and your thoughts. Stepping back gives you space between you and the stream of thought that is threatening to take you into a feeling or behaviour that will bot serve you or the world.  Step back away from mental reactivity
• Second B: Breathe ...of course this essential.  Focusing on breath takes us out of our minds and back into the present moment.  It also fuels the body with much needed oxygen and switches off the sympathetic system that is preparing us for fight or flight. It is a simple  calming and centering technique that is usually very effective
• Third B: Begin again...So we do  need to deal with the situation we are encountering even if that dealing is a conscious decision to walk away.  But in order to deal we need to do so, not from ego, but from that wise presence within us.  We need to step back and breathe first...then we approach the situation calmly, clearly and a heck of a lot more wise than we would be if ego had the reins. We begin again but this time with a clearer mind. 

So even if the situation we are speaking of is getting caught up in a reaction to someone who stepped in front of us in line...we can use these three B's in helping us to step away from ego and begin again with the wiser self.  As soon as it happens, ego may pop in with all these thoughts about how wrong that behaviour is, and how unfair that person is behaving...that it shouldn't be...leading to emotions of frustration, anger,  and upset.  We may have a strong instinctive reaction to growl at the person or to close it all up inside us as we spend the next ten minutes of precious life ruminating over how "unfair it is and how wrong that person is." We miss out on the opportunity for a great moment. We don't have to do this!

We can instead take a physical step away from the person ( that just puts more physical distance between you and the person and the likelihood of a physical reaction) and we step back mentally.  We see how we are thinking about the situation and make a conscious choice to distance from that thought process knowing it will do us little good.

We then breathe and calm the body and mind down.  We clear the head.  We create space between what has happened, what is going on in our minds and what is really important.

Then we begin again.  This time we begin clear headed and with "inspired action".  We may decide to let it go ...realizing that saying or doing anything is really not worth the few minutes of peace you desire.  Or we may gently tap on the person's shoulder and say kindly and respectfully from a place that is not "peeved off" something like, "Excuse me Mam, but I was waiting here first and I would really like not to lose my turn.  I was hoping you would get in the back of the line so we can all fairly get our turn.  Thanks." Say that from a place of calm and see what happens.  You may not effect change in the other person but you expressed yourself calmly and you tried. That part is up to you.

Anyway...all is well.

Eckhart Tolle (2019) Ego, Life and Purpose. ( for some reason can't find the link anymore but will !

Kindling a Flame

Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel.
Socrates https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/275648.Socrates

I am not sure what to write about this morning...so many thoughts going through my mind but I realize that none of them are important. They are just thoughts, insignificant wisps of energy coming into my mind and going out of my mind.  Hmmm!

I am fascinated and excited by all that I am learning from scriptures, lectures and books...things that are resonating with me in "aha moments" of remembering something already known. All that is whirling around in my head too and I cannot tame it enough to put into words I can express here. 

But that is just it, isn't it?  It really wasn't meant to be put into words...it was meant to be experienced and lived. Words and concepts help...up to a point ...but they are only teaching tools that point and guide us to the "experiencing"...It is there ...in the experiencing and living this learning...where the true knowing takes place and only there.  Hmmm!

All is well.

The True Discovery

I don't know whether the universe, with its countless galaxies, stars and planets, has a deeper meaning or not, but at the very least, it is clear that we humans who live on earth face the task of making a happy life for ourselves.  Therefore, it is important to discover what will bring the greatest degree of happiness.
-Dalai Lama
(Note: the majority of quotes I use from the Dalai Lama, like this one, come from my Insight from the Dalai Lama desk top calendar, (2018) by Andrews McMeel Publishing, Kansas City)

Hmmm!  All these big universal questions we put out there that we want answered, things we may never know the answers to, obscure the one question we need to ponder: " What will bring about the greatest degree of happiness for myself and fellow humans?" Hmm!

I am not fond of the word happiness...simply my perception of it...it is just a word, I know.  I do prefer the descriptive equivalent to so called 'happiness': "joy, peace, love, fulfillment, wellness" etc .  So I ask what will bring us these things? I seek the answer to that question. 

I mean, I am still very interested in all the happenings "out there" but know my job is not  to answer the myriad of questions posed in regards to the outside world.  My job is to understand this world within me.  To do that, I do not need to walk on the moon...I need to step into my mind to determine what is going on in there:)

All is well!

A Good Human Being

Whether we live just a few years or a whole century, it would be truly regrettable and sad if we were to spend that time aggravating the problems that afflict other people, animals, and the environment. The most important thing is to be a good human being.
-Dalai Lama

I just realized it was my father's birthday.  He would be 91 if he were still alive. I miss him. The above quote suits my memory of him.

Getting Heard?

To gain your own voice, you have to forget about getting it heard.
Allan Ginsberg https://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/72-of-the-best-quotes-about-writing

Man, I don't understand my stats at all and I don't know why I keep checking them lol. 

First of all it says I have no followers when I know for a fact I have some because I speak to these people on a regular basis.  Then some days it tells me  I have readers in the one digit category and out of the blue on another day I may have them in the two digit or even three digit category.  There are no or very limited comments which is okay...don't need that. I understand people do not like to expose themselves etc. Then the map is showing that I have readership all over the world, which is so very cool,  but it never adds up with the numbers for that day.

The stats just don't seem all that reliable. So I have no idea who is reading this?

Why does it matter anyway?

Oh I know my ego is still very active and though this is not an ego-motivated process,  ego still  wants to get something from it.  It uses what I do here to redeem 'me' from all my outer world failures ...which a good readership allows.  I may not have much anymore out here in terms of outer world success and recognition so maybe ego is appeased a bit when I get a little something here, on this site. It also wants validation and reward for "doing".

And it uses the stats  to shame me further and keep "me" small and controllable as a low day readership permits. "See"...it says..."you no longer have anything.  You are lacking, needy, broken here as well as out there and you are making a fool of yourself on top of everything else. Pathetic!" Thank goodness, I am no longer listening to that internal critic. Nasty!!!

So ego is one of the driving forces in my checking  the stats on a daily basis.

I  don't come here for ego though.  I truly don't.  I come here to teach so I can learn and to learn so I can teach. It really is beyond my little ego.  Sometimes, maybe, I check the stats to see how many people I am reaching.  I try to validate if this is the most effective way to learn and teach.  But to be truthful, it wouldn't matter if I had 0 readership, I would still come here everyday and do what I do.

So I guess it doesn't matter who is reading this or how it is being received.  Maybe what is important is why they are reading it, if they indeed are.  "Does something I say make sense...even just a little?  Is it resonating with a truth that is already in them?  Are they too waking up just a bit like I am? "

Maybe that is all that matter.

All is well!

If we compare the mental and physical levels of happiness, we find that the experiences of pain and pleasure that take place mentally are actually more powerful.
-Dalai Lama


Every now and again  life circumstance catches up with us.  When it catches up with me I find myself comparing the physical and mental levels of my happiness.  Sadly I run on the low side more than I care to.  It seems like "too much stress, discomfort, struggle" and not enough "reward, peace, joy".  When I come to that conclusion, both body and mind become exhausted as I am now.

At these times, I catch myself wondering things like "Are I and my loved ones cursed?"  "Is there such thing as bad energy sticking to a group of people?" "Am I living out some bad karma and part of that is watching the people I love suffer?" A foolish and unhealthy way to think , I know. 

For I know in the very core of me, even at those times of negative mental experience, that my life circumstance and my "reaction" to it is not my Life. Yet here I am watching my little self go through this 'stuff' and I am wondering why this little being that is me...has been  travelling on what seems to be such a bumpy path for what seems like an entire lifetime.  If I knew for certain Karma was such a thing...I would settle into it and say "Oh okay...I understand...I can endure this and find some moments of peace and joy in amongst the suffering.  It is happening for a reason." 

But when I remember Satchidananda's words "The entire outside world is based on your thoughts and mental attitude."  I am like "Crap!  I am doing this to myself and my loved ones!" I become overwhelmed with guilt and shame that my mind is so messed up I am creating such chaos in my outer experience.

When I feel this way...I know I am over identifying with the little me.  I am experiencing life through that perspective...so everything seems to be happening 'to me'; 'against me'; 'to punish me'; or 'because of me.' I do not, at those times, separate the life circumstances from the little me and the little me from the understanding I have of Self.  At those time the ego, not spirit,  is prevalent in my psyche and it is telling me in not so nice ways that I am simply getting what I deserve.  I am unworthy, a sinner, lacking, needy, etc etc .  I better just suck it up and endure Life. So I listen to ego and that is what I do.  I suck it up and endure.  This is how powerful the mental experience is...and  it is all just a mental experience.

Regardless of what is going on around me, what I am observing happening to me, or witnessing what is happening to another...the problematic perspective is a mental one and a mental one only. What I am experiencing is a result of what I am perceiving and my attitude towards it. Hmmm!  I know that...yet I keep slipping back into a deeply ingrained way of thinking and feeling that makes the world around me look pretty punitive.

It isn't punitive and I am not being punished.  Life is just responding and creating , unfolding around me in the purposeful way it does.  What looks like chaos is actually order. What feels like punishment is actually impersonal. It isn't about me at all.

I need to get that in my head when I feel myself getting a bit overwhelmed by the challenges presented by life.  I am not being punished; I am not cursed and this is not some karmic destiny I am experiencing. Life is just doing Life and "I"...who I really am...is watching it unfold. It really isn't about me at all...no matter what the mental experience of it is saying.

All is well!

All is well

Borrowed thought?

Borrowed thoughts, like borrowed money, only show the poverty of the borrower.
-Lady Marguerite Blessington

Hmm!  I have a question of a more practical and technical context.  What does it mean when one's statistics show a referring URL entitled "Plagscan" on more than one occasion?

Does that mean that someone is questioning the authenticity of my material?  I would not mind if that was the case. I mean...I know my citing may be more than a little sloppy at times but plagiarism is not something I would do.  In fact, one could ask my past students what ends I would take when I caught someone doing it. lol.  I was pretty tough when it came to not crediting someone for their thoughts or words. It is like "lying" or "stealing" to me.

Could it mean that someone has been taking my material and calling it their own?  My first thought to that is, "Why on earth?" lol  Then I find myself sincerely hoping that is not the case.  I would have to be pretty tough on those individuals too.  Not because I feel my words are "mine" and I need to cling to them possessively but because of the principal of the thing.  If I failed students for doing so, I would have to pursue any  copyright infringement  all out.

Oh my...this could just be a bunch of egoic paranoia? Maybe it is just a spam thing or a way to advertise?  I don't know.  I just got an unsettling feeling in my gut when I seen that referring site once again today. I don't know why but I did.

Hmmm!

All is well.

Learning from spirituality and science

If I use the term "spirit" or "Self," you might be hesitant to believe me, but if the physicist says the wall is nothing but energy, you will believe that. So using the scientists' language, there is nothing but energy everywhere.  Even the atom is a form of energy.  The same energy appears in different forms to which we also give different names. So the form and name are just different versions of the same energy. And according to the yogic scientists such as Patanjali-behind the different forms of energy is one unchanging consciousness or spirit or Self.
-Satchidananda (page 8)

I have been feeling so off physically the last few days that it is affecting my sleep.  I wake up with the pain and whether I reach for the nitro or not, I know the pain is there for a reason.  It is one of the many, many teachers that have been lecturing me over the last decade or so.  Sometimes what it teaches and how it teaches is as clear as day; other times it is as garbled as the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher. I can't make sense of it.

Not Making Sense of the Lesson

I am having a bit of trouble making sense of it now.  I can  almost see physiologically what is going on in my body in regards to the chest pain but I know the learning my body offers entails much more than that. I am less and less concerned about the physical cause of my pain....of anything really.  I want to understand what it is teaching.

So I lean forward at my little desk and twist my head to strain to hear what the teacher is saying.  I know somehow that its lesson is profound and wise and something I must learn in detail but right now it  just hits me like  garbled nonsense. I don't understand it.   Sigh!

Is there a Relationship Between Spirituality and Science?

In one of my awake moments last night I began to think, without choosing to, about the relationship between two fields of thought I am exploring: spirituality and science.  It got my mind spinning off away from the pain and into  so many different questions and directions.

I watched the biography of Allan Kardec on Netflix the other evening and curiosity led me to purchase the Kindle version of his translated book "The Spirit's Book" which was written in 1857. I have been reading that. I have also been revisiting my fascination of  the work done at The Institute of Noetic Science in California. So much to consider.

What really impacted me was the way Spiritism came to be, expand and flourish despite such resistance from religion and science. And how the work done at IONS is getting done and being received so well by the general population despite such extreme opposition from traditional science. People are called to do this work, most of whom come or  came from very pragmatic and analytical backgrounds. Both the work of Allan Kardec and the work done today by the institute are done using a scientific approach. Both have taken "science" into their approaches to explain what cannot be so obviously "observed" like matter can. And the foundation of both is simply to be able to question what we assume is reality so we may actually as if there is an interconnectedness between all things.

How to make sense of it all?

 So I am left with more questions.  These "unanswered questions" and "understandings" are landing in a pile of all my other recent  learnings and I bet my mind  looks a little like the top of my desk right now. How do I sort out that pile? How do I make sense of it all? How do I get Charlie Brown's teacher to take the darn cotton out of her mouth so I can hear her when she answers the darned questions?

And then there is Yoga

Then I read the sutras or practice hatha or pranayama or read something from a yogi ....and the pieces of both science and spirituality seem to come together. There is a connection!

A Compulsion, much bigger than me

Well I do one thing to help with understanding this  learning.  I come here.  I come here against all my ego's resistance...and despite my love of science.  I come here despite this fear I have of being "excommunicated" by the religious bound society in which I live and the scientific one.

I just feel the pull to come here everyday.  I sit down with my questions and so little knowledge and out it all spills.  I am not sure if it makes sense to anyone else out there.  I am not even sure if it matters if it does.  The pull that makes me come here and spill all my learning, in the most imperfect way I do, upon the page is truly beyond me.

I will probably never understand why I keep coming here.  I will  not understand why I am drawn to this learning.  I don't understand why I am thinking the way I do now. And I do not understand why I feel so very compelled to share it.  I just know that I am and I do and it is what it is.

But man...I need some sleep lol. So I hope it all makes perfect sense to me soon so I can feel good enough to sleep.

It is all good.  All is well in my world.

Obstacles

Press on.  Obstacles are seldom the same size tomorrow as they are today.
Robert Schuller


Shortly after I wrote yesterday's entry I noticed my ticker acting up.  I tried to ignore it so I could go on "doing" for the sake of getting things I started done.  By the time I went for a walk in the woods, like I try to do everyday,   I had to drag myself along.  My body did not want to cooperate at all.

I had little bouts of pain throughout the day telling me it was indeed my heart acting up but it wasn't the pain that stopped me...it was the overall weakness and dizziness. By four in the afternoon I couldn't seem to get off the couch.  I hard a hard time breathing.  I figured  it was a delayed cardiac bout  from the crisis on Monday-Tuesday, from all I was doing to "distract" and find some reprieve "out there" from it, and the muggy weather. I t was soooo muggy.  It was really the first time all summer that I noticed the mugginess to that degree and the effect it had on me. It was like a heavy weight on my chest. 

The body shouted, "That's enough!!! Stop it right now!!! You are not going to "do" one more thing!"  It shouted so  loudly I had no choice but to sigh  and then sink down into the physical experience. I really had to stop doing.

I woke up feeling it  to a much lesser degree but if I do anything that requires effort I feel it in my chest and in my legs. I also get very light headed.  There will be little doing today. It will also  be another nitro day which I haven't had in quite a while. 

And my first question is why? Why so many obstacles when I am so close to getting to where I think I want to be?  Why is my body acting up so dramatically when it was so obedient for so long? Now right before teh finish line it collapses, why? I mean those are  ego question, aren't they? 

Ego is shouting, "Something out there is interfering with my "need" to get things done so I can relieve some of this "lacking" I got going on.  What and why?"  

I want to see and understand my obstacles so I can shout out that they should not be there and then remove them. Ego is not okay with being stuck on this side of the obstacle. It is resisting. Yet here I am.

It is what it is.  My ticker is acting up; my body is doing what it is doing;  circumstances are unfolding or staying curled up in a big boulder of a ball in front of me because it just is. I just have to wait patiently for it all to unfurl...find peace in it, not a mental "explanation" for it. It just is. 

Tomorrow the obstacles may be small enough for me to climb over or maybe they won't be.  It will be what it will be.  Sigh!

All is well

Doing or Being?

Doing can only be fruitful when you get past "neediness" and "lacking".  Until then it will be self-serving not Self and One serving.
-Eckhart Tolle (paraphrased)

Doing

Hmmm!  I have been doing and doing yesterday trying to get the final things done for my yoga studio.  I was pumped.    I have been waiting for this for months...and finally all that was left was the final touches. I was going to offer  a great service in a great space. It was all going to be worth it...all I spent that I didn't have was going to pay off.  All the frustrated waiting was not going to be for nought. There was just some tidying up to do to de-create a scene from the Trailer Park Boys in the outward appearance of my home. So I did and I did and I did.  I had a long list for D. to do too. I was so grateful for the doing...it gave me a wonderful distraction from what I was dealing with earlier this week and I was convinced it was going to take me to that "outcome" I have been anticipating for months.  My doing was going to be fruitful.

Accomplishment?

In the midst of my doing,  there was a cancellation, an innocent comment made about some minor décor detail and an inability to get certain things done because of circumstance. I felt myself suddenly becoming dissatisfied with my situation.  The up I was feeling earlier slipped away so quickly.  I looked about my "almost" ready studio and thought, "I need to do more, get more, have more!"  My mind cried out.  "I do not have enough, this will never be done; how will I make enough to pay for what I lost here." And finally,  "This thing is not doing it for me. It is not enough." I had slipped into the "neediness" and "lacking" that spurred me on this journey in the first place. I realized that the creation of my yoga studio, though a wonderful accomplishment, was not going to "fulfill me" as I thought it would.

Who am I Serving?

As much as I want to serve, as much as I wanted to be a yoga teacher for that reason, there was sadly also an ulterior motive for my doing.  Ego wanted to find satisfaction and it attempted to fill in the holes with doing and striving for an outcome. I looked outward , instead of inward for my fulfillment.  I focused on doing more so than being. In that process, I  realized I was attempting to serve self ( my hungry little ego) and not Self, not the world. 


Is this Yoga?

Isn't it ironic that in my attempt to create a space for yoga I neglected the motivation that yoga is?  I need to turn my sites inward.  It is not the space or the doing that will allow me to live and teach yoga...but the simple being of it.

Hmmm!  Sigh!  so much learning in one week.  :)

All is well!

Eckhart Tolle ( September 2019). Aligning Being and Doing:  Joyful Creation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70F7huPoNeA

Awareness is Wisdom

Awareness is wisdom.  They are one and the same.
-Eckhart Tolle


Oh my!  Ego did slip in yesterday.  As coy and as sneaky as it always is, it slithers under what seems to be "wisdom" to find its mark.  It vents a little anger, a little self righteousness and a little attack when one assumes they are being wise.  I used the terms "incompetence' and "absurdity" in yesterday's entry.  They are ego terms and this morning I feel bad about them.  Who am I to judge incompetence in another?  What good does describing a situation as "absurd" do for humanity?  I was simply venting anger and resentment because things did not turn out the way I (little "me") thought they should.  Outcome did not meet my expectation.

 It turned out exactly as it was meant to...and the "wise" part of me knew that during that evening crisis.  One of the reasons I did not push.  Ego, however, was not asleep throughout that encounter, only pretending to be.

Wow...it is good to be able to see it now though.  So , so much learning.  I am glad that learning excites me so. I obviously am not going to be bored for a while.  :)

If I wish to make a difference in this world from the wise Self...I need to be aware when ego is lingering about. I am learning. Wisdom is awareness.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.  Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.
-Dalai Lama

Wisdom and Intellect

Wisdom is an intuitive knowing that is much deeper than the intellect.
-Eckhart Tolle

Learning to "not close" is not an easy task.  Let me tell ya.  Sometimes, I wonder if it is necessary to close...just a bit...in certain situations.

Closing in Crisis

I found myself sitting in the ER with a loved one a couple of nights ago, my upper body bent  forward, my arms crossed in front of my chest and my face as flat as the Saskatchewan prairie. My body was closed up like  a Tupperware container.

I wanted to come into the ER like a Mom, allowing my feelings and perceptions to flow freely from me. I didn't want to have to use my mind, assuming others would be clearly using theirs. Within moments, however, I knew that was not going to be possible. I had to put away the maternal role and close to some degree.

When Intellect is Needed

I tried to maintain a sense of emotional and mental  control.  My loved one, because of her state of mind, perceived my "cool as a cucumber" outer appearance as cold, condescending indifference and attempted  to use it to push some ego buttons. She was thankfully unsuccessful. My professional and personal experience told me it was necessary to stay far away from ego, at least until we got out of that place. If I and she was going to survive that night I knew it was necessary to close egos off.  

In order to function...to keep my head clear so I could evaluate the situation...with my intellect...(this was indeed one of those times that intellect was very much needed)... I had to be clear and cool. To make necessary choices that others didn't seem to be able to make... I knew  I had to close down the outer layers of me so ego daggers ( both my own and those of others) did not pierce through to cloud my judgment. Oh...it was difficult, dealing with the life threatening nature of the circumstances,  dealing with her behaviour,  and dealing with the professionals who were making assumptions and judgments that could have been potentially lethal.  Some closing was necessary.

Staying Open to Wisdom

That closing down of the outer layers of me to the outside world, however, is not the same as closing down to the internal layers where wisdom sits. I did close down to some aspects of my moment but I was open to Self where calm and peace are.  As much as I needed my intellect, I needed that calm. I needed that peace. I needed that wisdom that can only be found in that center of Self. Wisdom implies you are connected with [Self]. (Tolle)

So I took a deep breath and called upon both my intellect and my inner wisdom to get us all through that awful night. (oops I described it as "awful" and it wasn't...it simply was what it was.).  While others, who clearly didn't understand the seriousness of the situation,  were telling me what was going on, I sat quietly and listened.  Though I explained my interpretation, I didn't defend myself against the judgments and assumptions made.  I didn't get angry and attack. Though ego certainly started to grumble and growl within me  at what I thought was complete incompetence and absurdity....I was able to sink back down into Self and notice that the individual did believe he was helping and was actually attempting to be kind and nonjudgmental.  I found myself appreciative of that attempt. 

I also realized and accepted that she would not get the help she needed there that night.  It would not be safe to leave her.  I could have pushed for what should have been provided without my asking but I didn't.  Something in me knew that it was not the time or place.

So I took over without anyone probably noticing I took over and guided the situation back with wisdom's help. We went home  and it was a very, very rough night but we got through it.  We went for help the next day to set her up with at least some of  the help she  needed.

Realization

I realized, however,  that the true help was not going to come from professionals or family members.  It had to come from her and her tapping into her own source of wisdom.  I also realized how utterly powerless I, as one human being, was in attempting to "help' her.  It wasn't my journey after all. This was between her and Life and though I would continue to do whatever I could to preserve that life...it was ultimately and very sadly an outcome I could not control.

Taking Off the Shield: Going Back to "Not Closing"

 I also knew that this shield I wore around myself that night was not something I could wear all the time. It was much, much too heavy.  Closing is heavy!!! I would be no help to her in the long run if I collapsed from that weight.  It was time to step back and heal a bit myself before I could  be there to offer presence when she began to heal herself. I decided, at some point, I would leave this to God and not to my ego or the egos of others.

Hmmm!  My message: yes there are times when we need to create distance between the outside world and our egoic emotional reactions,  so we can function with clear intellects in challenging situations.  There are times we may need to close just a bit. At those times we can still be open to the wisdom within. When the crisis is over or at least subdued, however,  remove the shield. Be open to both the inner and outer Life once again. 

All is well!

Doing what we ought

Do what you ought and trust what may be.
Johann Wolfgang Van Goethe

So what is all this stuff about life purpose that others speak about?  Though being is more important than doing, we know we have to "do" something while we are here. What do we do to fill in our time and benefit the world at large?

I try to avoid labels to define me or my roles these days but if I had to, the two most authentic labels I could apply to myself are "writer" and "teacher".  I can use those descriptions in good conscious, certainly not based on talent or ability,  but because I think, feel and behave like a writer and teacher. 

My first thought when I experience anything is..."Oh I could write about that!" My second thought is, "I could teach people about what I am learning through this experience!" I am constantly putting my thoughts together in some logical, readable form. I am constantly teaching to learn and learning to teach.   

So when I combine those two roles into my life purpose what do I come up with?  A desire to teach through the written word.  That is why I am here writing on this blog right now.  That is why I also intend to take all I have written here and put it in some publishable form. (most of it is already copy right protected for that purpose)   Eventually, I will get it published and out there to those who may want it.  But I won't get too attached to outcomes.  I will let Life do the remaining work after I do my part. For now, I can only focus on doing "what I ought".

All is well.