Wisdom and Intellect

Wisdom is an intuitive knowing that is much deeper than the intellect.
-Eckhart Tolle

Learning to "not close" is not an easy task.  Let me tell ya.  Sometimes, I wonder if it is necessary to close...just a bit...in certain situations.

Closing in Crisis

I found myself sitting in the ER with a loved one a couple of nights ago, my upper body bent  forward, my arms crossed in front of my chest and my face as flat as the Saskatchewan prairie. My body was closed up like  a Tupperware container.

I wanted to come into the ER like a Mom, allowing my feelings and perceptions to flow freely from me. I didn't want to have to use my mind, assuming others would be clearly using theirs. Within moments, however, I knew that was not going to be possible. I had to put away the maternal role and close to some degree.

When Intellect is Needed

I tried to maintain a sense of emotional and mental  control.  My loved one, because of her state of mind, perceived my "cool as a cucumber" outer appearance as cold, condescending indifference and attempted  to use it to push some ego buttons. She was thankfully unsuccessful. My professional and personal experience told me it was necessary to stay far away from ego, at least until we got out of that place. If I and she was going to survive that night I knew it was necessary to close egos off.  

In order to function...to keep my head clear so I could evaluate the situation...with my intellect...(this was indeed one of those times that intellect was very much needed)... I had to be clear and cool. To make necessary choices that others didn't seem to be able to make... I knew  I had to close down the outer layers of me so ego daggers ( both my own and those of others) did not pierce through to cloud my judgment. Oh...it was difficult, dealing with the life threatening nature of the circumstances,  dealing with her behaviour,  and dealing with the professionals who were making assumptions and judgments that could have been potentially lethal.  Some closing was necessary.

Staying Open to Wisdom

That closing down of the outer layers of me to the outside world, however, is not the same as closing down to the internal layers where wisdom sits. I did close down to some aspects of my moment but I was open to Self where calm and peace are.  As much as I needed my intellect, I needed that calm. I needed that peace. I needed that wisdom that can only be found in that center of Self. Wisdom implies you are connected with [Self]. (Tolle)

So I took a deep breath and called upon both my intellect and my inner wisdom to get us all through that awful night. (oops I described it as "awful" and it wasn't...it simply was what it was.).  While others, who clearly didn't understand the seriousness of the situation,  were telling me what was going on, I sat quietly and listened.  Though I explained my interpretation, I didn't defend myself against the judgments and assumptions made.  I didn't get angry and attack. Though ego certainly started to grumble and growl within me  at what I thought was complete incompetence and absurdity....I was able to sink back down into Self and notice that the individual did believe he was helping and was actually attempting to be kind and nonjudgmental.  I found myself appreciative of that attempt. 

I also realized and accepted that she would not get the help she needed there that night.  It would not be safe to leave her.  I could have pushed for what should have been provided without my asking but I didn't.  Something in me knew that it was not the time or place.

So I took over without anyone probably noticing I took over and guided the situation back with wisdom's help. We went home  and it was a very, very rough night but we got through it.  We went for help the next day to set her up with at least some of  the help she  needed.

Realization

I realized, however,  that the true help was not going to come from professionals or family members.  It had to come from her and her tapping into her own source of wisdom.  I also realized how utterly powerless I, as one human being, was in attempting to "help' her.  It wasn't my journey after all. This was between her and Life and though I would continue to do whatever I could to preserve that life...it was ultimately and very sadly an outcome I could not control.

Taking Off the Shield: Going Back to "Not Closing"

 I also knew that this shield I wore around myself that night was not something I could wear all the time. It was much, much too heavy.  Closing is heavy!!! I would be no help to her in the long run if I collapsed from that weight.  It was time to step back and heal a bit myself before I could  be there to offer presence when she began to heal herself. I decided, at some point, I would leave this to God and not to my ego or the egos of others.

Hmmm!  My message: yes there are times when we need to create distance between the outside world and our egoic emotional reactions,  so we can function with clear intellects in challenging situations.  There are times we may need to close just a bit. At those times we can still be open to the wisdom within. When the crisis is over or at least subdued, however,  remove the shield. Be open to both the inner and outer Life once again. 

All is well!