Obstacles

Press on.  Obstacles are seldom the same size tomorrow as they are today.
Robert Schuller


Shortly after I wrote yesterday's entry I noticed my ticker acting up.  I tried to ignore it so I could go on "doing" for the sake of getting things I started done.  By the time I went for a walk in the woods, like I try to do everyday,   I had to drag myself along.  My body did not want to cooperate at all.

I had little bouts of pain throughout the day telling me it was indeed my heart acting up but it wasn't the pain that stopped me...it was the overall weakness and dizziness. By four in the afternoon I couldn't seem to get off the couch.  I hard a hard time breathing.  I figured  it was a delayed cardiac bout  from the crisis on Monday-Tuesday, from all I was doing to "distract" and find some reprieve "out there" from it, and the muggy weather. I t was soooo muggy.  It was really the first time all summer that I noticed the mugginess to that degree and the effect it had on me. It was like a heavy weight on my chest. 

The body shouted, "That's enough!!! Stop it right now!!! You are not going to "do" one more thing!"  It shouted so  loudly I had no choice but to sigh  and then sink down into the physical experience. I really had to stop doing.

I woke up feeling it  to a much lesser degree but if I do anything that requires effort I feel it in my chest and in my legs. I also get very light headed.  There will be little doing today. It will also  be another nitro day which I haven't had in quite a while. 

And my first question is why? Why so many obstacles when I am so close to getting to where I think I want to be?  Why is my body acting up so dramatically when it was so obedient for so long? Now right before teh finish line it collapses, why? I mean those are  ego question, aren't they? 

Ego is shouting, "Something out there is interfering with my "need" to get things done so I can relieve some of this "lacking" I got going on.  What and why?"  

I want to see and understand my obstacles so I can shout out that they should not be there and then remove them. Ego is not okay with being stuck on this side of the obstacle. It is resisting. Yet here I am.

It is what it is.  My ticker is acting up; my body is doing what it is doing;  circumstances are unfolding or staying curled up in a big boulder of a ball in front of me because it just is. I just have to wait patiently for it all to unfurl...find peace in it, not a mental "explanation" for it. It just is. 

Tomorrow the obstacles may be small enough for me to climb over or maybe they won't be.  It will be what it will be.  Sigh!

All is well