Writer's Block

Every noble work is bound to face problems and obstacles.  It is important to check your goal and motivation thoroughly.  ...One's actions should be good for others, and for oneself as well.  Once a positive goal is chosen, you should decide to pursue it all the way to the end.  Even if it is not realized, at least there will be no regret.
-Dalai Lama (from Insights from the Dali Lama Calendar (2018)Andrew McMeel Publishing)

Yesterday I wrote about writer's block and the personal reasons why I experience it in the writing of my sister's story. I later  saved that entry  as a draft because there was too much "me-me" story in it. Anyway, I am blocked not only in the writing but the remembering and the healing. I am facing the "problems" and "obstacles" his holiness speaks of.  And now I need to check my goal and motivation for writing this.

Is this, first of all a 'noble work'?  What makes a noble work? That which is good for others and for oneself.  Hmmm!

Is this good for others?

I began to write this for my sister thinking it would be good for her but she is no longer alive.  Wherever she is now, will this still be good for the essence she is/was? I wanted to honor her memory, tell the story she never had a chance to tell the world.  Really what good does it do her now? 

I also wonder why I want to put memories down on paper. What is a memory but a wisp of stored thought, often fragmented and distorted, a clinging to an idea of time that removes us from the only life there is right here and right now...? 

How can I put her memories down when memories are so unique to the person perceiving?  Even though we shared a past our perception of it differs, our experiences differ. They would have to be my memories, what I perceived and what I can recall in my own fragmented recollections. Will that be good for her memory?

Does it do any good to tell this story?  What will it do to the memory of others in the story who are painted as victimizers?  How will those still clinging to some "ideals" they have of our shared past  feel when painful truths recalled from another threaten to break those walls down?

Hmmm! It will be truthful, honest and reasonable I hope and truth is always good for others, isn't it? It also may offer some inspiration and motivation for healing in others who have experienced something similar.  And I am so determined that it will be well written, even if I have to rewrite each chapter 100 times,  so  it will be a book worth reading.

Is it good for me?

I often fear that my ego is actually motivating this work rather than spirit.  Ego wants to write a great story that will publish and sell, giving "me" literary acclaim.  It knows, indeed, that truth is often stranger (and more sellable) than fiction. I don't want that to be the reason I pursue this.  If that is my motivation, it is not a "noble work".

I do, however, want to tell "my" story through my sister's.  It is easier to do it that way.  Yet, can I, in good conscious, use my sister to do that? Is it selfish or just mutually beneficial?

I do need to heal.  She would want that. And writing has always been my medium for expression, healing, transformation.  So writing this story could ultimately be good for me. Couldn't it?

It is helping me to remember certain things that were locked away for decades.

Hmmm!

Pursue it all the way

I already have the half way word count in...45,000 words...halfway there.  I need to do as the Dalai Lama suggests and pursue it all the way.  I have always had this strong compulsion to finish whatever I started.  I have always been good at doing that.  I need to finish this and I will.

Even if it is not realized

Even if it doesn't publish and remains on my desk with all the other unpublished manuscripts I have... it will be okay...I will have done some healing, some remembering, some little honor to my sister...even if it stays between the two of us. How can I regret that?

All is well