As social animals we need friends. But real friends are not attracted by fear but by warm heartedness and compassion. By using our intelligence, we have the ability to develop concern for limitless sentient beings.
-Dalai Lama (Desktop calendar; Andrews McMeel; 2018)
My yoga studio is okay! That is wonderful news and I am glad...but at the same time I know I was in a place that would have accepted the other alternative as well. It is all good. I see my Self a little better because of this experience...I am a little closer to achieving the "know thyself"goal put out there by Socrates so many years ago.
Know Thy Self
I love this journey of getting to know my Self. Every real life practice with circumstance and relationships helps me go farther or in this case "deeper" into this journey. It is quite amazing to witness the different dimensions of one's being.
Of course, there are times when I question if I am being self centered in my solitary search for Self. I have with drawn from many of the interactions most of us take for granted. Though I still interact with my family, those who come to my studio and others I might bump into out there when I do go out in public...I am far from a social butterfly. My fear is that I may not be "giving" enough in my semi-reclusive state.
As I become more and more evolved, as slow and tedious as that process is for me, I think less and less of "little me". My thoughts and prayers are not so much for this little me but for others and my ability to serve in a way that does the most good. Yet, how am I going to know what specific needs people have if I am not out there chit chatting away or checking my Facebook page to see what is going on in anyone's lives? How am I going to " be there" for them in a way they feel would serve them best?
Not About Ego Anymore
That is just it isn't it? I don't want to be there in that context any more...a context that was dictated by social conditioning, based on "little me's" fear of "not fitting in" and a superficial desire to meet the ego needs of others or myself. I am attempting to step away from the need for other's to like me, from opinion, judgment and assumption...both mine and theirs. I want to see clearly so I can truly serve and I can only do that if I go beyond this "fear" that ego places between me and them, until I heal more from past injury and wrongful thinking, until I can develop true "warmheartedness and compassion."
For now it seems fitting to step back and away. Oh ego still protests on both sides of this equation. I assume others are feeling like I am a "stuck up, selfish b*&^%", who thinks she "is too good for them". (If only they knew just how untrue those statements actually are.) I , in my remaining "little me" identity still fears offending and alienating; hurting and not giving enough. But, at the same time, I don't want this to be about ego anymore. I want this to be about something deeper and more meaningful.
So I will let them have their opinions. I won't explain or defend my choices...I won't try to repair the damage done to the image they once had of me. It was just an image. I won't step away from my own healing, to give them what their egos are telling them they need. I will be there in a real way, when I am ready...a way that benefits us all.
Hmmm! It is all so very good.
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