Leti It Go? Or Let It Be?

 

A note to anyone who needs to hear it: We don't "get over" or "move on" from our trauma. We are forced to make space for it.  We carry it. We learn to live with it. And sometimes we thrive despite it.

Unknown

We are getting our first snow fall of the season and it is lovely  out there.  A clean white blanket has been gently  laid over a tired and weary earth. All the browning, semi-lifeless  and bruised offerings are covered up so the world we see temporarily looks fresh and inviting.  Hmm. 

Regardless if we are ready for it or not, seasons change.  What a reminder that is for all us about the the impermenent and ever changing nature of phenomena, the coming in and the going out of all experience. 

I have been thinking about past experience.

Trauma From the Past

I had a lovely conversation today with a trusted individual  about trauma.  I had given this individual just one chapter of my book to read, a chapter based on a trauma memory I had that I have shared with very, very few people. I am at the point, as you may be too, where you are looking back at your past as nothing more than a story, the wake of a boat, that you simply want to stop clinging to.  You may  want to let go. 

I  tell myself and others that I want to let go of my past, this idea I have of "me" because of my past. So I wrote this book and have already shared some of it because I felt that sharing it would somehow help me to let go. 

So the goal was to "let go". That is an expression  we often use in this waking up process, don't we?  Yet, how realistic is it, I wonder to let go? 

Is Letting Go Realistic? 

I am realizing that this trauma has wrapped itself around every muscle, been absorbed by every bone, and is in the RNA of every cell being copied here and there throughout me. Every one of my semi abnormal heartbeats are echoing this trauma. My core beliefs...I mean the deepest and most tenacious beliefs...that guide my everyday decisions and  actions have been built on this trauma. It is in me.  It is a part of me....whoever this "me" is.

Influenced By the Wake

Letting go, then, on the psychological level is not going to be something I may ever be able to do completely.  I see clearly how my past impacts this little "personal sense of self" physiologically, emotionally, socially and mentally...even finacially probably.  

Though our pasts, like Alan Watts describes so eloquantly, are merely wakes following a boat our present reaity is impacted by them. The type of winter we have will have an impact on our spring. .  True...the wake/past is not driving the boat but on a very human and earthly level, they do have an effect on how we,as these little clumps of flesh, drive that boat...on this level of form anyway.

I can connect some of my present day fears, reactions, choices to what happened back then.  I can.  Reactions to trauma triggers  used to happen so quickly and automatically, I couldn't make the connection right away...but now I see the influence of those old well established beliefs  have on my everyday life.  I am aware of old feelings under the surface...and though I am releasing more and more of these emotional knots I am aware that striving to release all of them...to let my past and the effect it had on me go  completely...is probably not realistic and may in a sense do more harm than good.

Let it Be

This wise person encouraged me to think more about "Letting it be; than Letting it go." And that sat so well with me.  Recognizing, accepting/allowing, identifying  this experience for what it is everytime I feel the past trickling or splashing into my present...is what I truly want to do.  And, as this wise individual I spoke to today pointed out...I really need to nurture myself as I do.  Hmm!  This is the R.A.I.N. Tara Brach teaches, isn't it?

I may never be able to let go of the damage the  trauma has done completely...and striving to do so puts too much pressure on an already tired body and mind.  Just letting the past and its consequences be by recgonizing it when it comes up,  gently accepting it while feeling compassion for who I was then and who I am now because of it, is very, very doable.  Hmm!

All is well in my world. 

Looking For the Mind

 Consciousness is not a thing that exists but an event that occurs.

Andrew Olendski

There is a Zen tale relayed in Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening (page 314) that I would like to share. It is a dialogue between student and Zen master/teacher. 

Student: My mind is anxious. Please pacify it.

Teacher: Okay.  Bring me your mind and I will pacify it. 

Student: Although I sought it, I cannot find it.

Teacher: There, I have pacified your mind. 

Huh?

The mind is said to be the source of all our problems.  We tend to believe that pacifying this mind...making it quiet will bring the peace we long for. (Well that is what I tend to believe).  Is that not what we are trying to accomplish by awakening.

It is, however, very easy to get attached to this striving goal and thereby increase the mind's tendency to desire and cling...and therefore allow for even more suffering in our attempt to end suffering.

We want to pacify the mind but...

What pacifies the mind? Truth...showing the mind what is true so it becomes aware and knowing.  Awareness, we are taught, will be the answer to our suffering tendencies .  And like I often do, we can become very attached to finding and then clinging to the "knowing mind" or awareness. Since the mind's tendency is to slip from knowing aware state and into busy, stressed out monkey state, we are constantly seeking to pacify the "personal"  mind.

Yet,  if we are asked to find the mind so that it can be pacified we cannot find it.  Why?

Because the mind is not a "thing", it is just an event that occurs. The mind is empty and selfless. There really is no "My" or "mine" we can attach to it. We therefore are wasting our energy becoming attached to the idea of pacifying  that which does not exist....the personal mind.   

Looking for the mind will pacify it

The moment we attempt  to find the mind, we realize it is nowhere to be found because it is "no-thing".  In that moment of "not-finding", the mind's empty, selfless nature is revealed. We pacify through not-finding.

Hmmm! Something to think about. 

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True

From Disenchanted to Awake

 Remember, "disenchantment" means to wake up from the spell of enchantment, to wake up from the dreamlike state of ignorance. 

Joseph Goldstein, page 312

Still  Living in the Enchanted Forest?

I  loved fairy tales as a child and there were very few that did not use the word "enchanted" at least once.  I got goosebumps when I heard that word because it meant there was some type of magic spell about to take place in which the heroine had to awaken from. There was a challenging spell cast upon her by something,  whether it be an enchanted spinning wheel, tower or an enchanted apple and she had to passively overcome this life challenge by being rescued. And in many cases there was an "enchanted forest" for the rescuer to get through.  Enchanted meant some type of dream like or sleep state that took the characters away from the ordinary and real world. Salvation meant being awakened or making one's way through this enchanted forest.

Well most of us are under ego's spell, aren't we? We are sleep walking through some enchanted forest which we erronously believe is so real.  This forest is in our minds and in our minds only.  We are dreaming it up.  We are, in fact, dreaming ourselves into existence.   We , while under this mind spell, dream up this hero or heroine, this version of "little me" with its roles and its quests; with its adventures and its obstacles; its personality and its missions. We "dream up" a story we, as this little clump of flesh and overactive mind, are starring in. We are often waiting for someone or something "out there" to save us.

We want to be saved but are looking for salvation in all the wrong places. We want to wake up but we are often so attached to this dreamlike state of ignorance, it is challenging to do so.  And  realizing that no dude on a white horse with a good set of puckers is going to awaken us, makes it even more challenging and "disenchanting".  A good clear look at Life is disenchanting. The spell begins to break when we realize that nothing out there will save us or wake us  We have to do it ourself.  

We first must relaize that we dreamed up our fairy tale.  It is all just story and mind stuff.  We are not our thinking or narration, therefore we are not bound by it. We are simply thinking ourselves into existence.

This process  of awakening to truth is not as romantic and exciting or predicatble as our childhood fairy tales were and this in itself is so "disenchanting" to the part of us hooked on the story, waiting for rescue...but this "disenchantment" can actually lead us to true salvation and rescue.  The awakened state is much more sustaining and freeing than magic could ever be.

All is well. 

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True.

 Keep your eye fixed on the way to the top, but don't forget to look right in front of you.

Rene Daumal, as quoted in Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening, page 320

Okay, as I sit here trying to focus on my writing my mind is trying to pull me into "planning mode". It is still overly concerned with the 100 plans I want to accomplish lol.  My heart whispers to me to just sit tight, beneath all the: 

"You got to do this!  You gotta get this house cleaned and it is such a massive job, encompassing 100,000 little things that need to get done.  You need to get that novel done too.  You are so close!  And then you need to revise and edit every section of it. You have to submit the stuff you already have written again too...so much stuff.  Those chap books...when are you going to get them done and out? What about looking for a job?---You know you need an income....You need to find something that pays fairly well, that doesn't overtax you physically while it serves, in some way, the greater good.  You do know you are going into more debt...everyday... while you barely make ends meat, don't you? What are you going to do about that... you... who hates owing money? Look at the calender.  Time is ticking away. You have to write that book for your grandsons before Christmas ...what if your artist/daughter doesn't illustrate it...that means you have to find some way of doing so...and you know how you draw!! And what about the blankies you want to knit for them for Christmas? You have to get things done here soon because your kids are going to need some help with their newborns and you need to be available. And...when are you going to make another apointment with your doctor  about the abdominal and pelvic pain that is not going away?  Are you going to let someone know how your ticker has been acting up lately? What good are you going to be to others if you are sick and in pain? What are you doing to take care of yourself these days? You are slacking on the yoga, missy! When is the last time you had a class? When is the last time you were in the woods with the dogs? Get back out there...all of you need that.  And when is the last time you picked up a camera and actually took a good shot? It has been eons...you have some camera issues to fix, don't you?   Man...it is already noon...and you do not even have your morning entry done and the house work even started. Come on...Chop!! Chop!!! Chop!!! You have a million things to do...get going!"     

Man...that is my mind these days lol. Nasty, eh? All this "need to do" pressure leaves a knot in a belly that is already not feeling 100%.  I love just sitting tight and meditating in the morning and evening.  The highlight of my day, I think.  I have to admit though...those 100 plans do slip in between the breaths and carry me away.  I easily bring myself back...but still I am aware they are there waiting for me.  Hmmm! 

When I look at this mental to do list...I see a mountain my mind tells me to climb. I mean...I do want to "do"  and "accomplish" some of these things and that is okay.  In order to get to the top of the mountain , however, I can not be so focused on getting "it all done" ...otherwise I would get nothing done. If I am going to "do" and lets face it we do need to "do" sometimes... I have to break everything down into what really has to get done and what doesn't.  And really, am I going to die if none of this gets done? No.  And even if I get all of it done, how long will ego be satisfied? Not very long. Hmmm!

Sure I want, can and will do alot of these things but I am not going to focus on getting it all done...I am not going to be attached to outcome at all. Whatever task I begin I will remember the line above.  I will look right in front of me and "enjoy" this moment  rather than  strive to get to completion. Yes I can visualize the end goal but I do not need to be consumed by it. I will be consumed by each portion of the doing I am experiencing.  

In the end....if I get it all done... great... but I will not "strive"  to do it all.  If I get none of it done...that's okay too.  All part of the journey; all part of the learning.

It is all good. All is well!

100 Plans?

 Thinking about the hundred plans you want to accomplish,

With never enough time to finish them,

Just weighs down the mind. 

You're completely distracted

By all these projects, which never come to an end,

But keep spreading out more, like ripples in water.

Don't be a fool: for once, just sit tight...

Patrul Pinopoche: Advice From Me to Myself...

(As found in Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening, page 310-311)

I am a pathological doer in recovery. Though I write about being over doing, I still find myself, too often, thinking about the hundred things I want to accomplish.  I have so many projects on the go and can not even see the end of any of them. Like ripples in the water, they keep spreading and spreading.

For example, wanting to help my kids out, especially those with new babies, I decided yesterday morning to make some lasagnas for everyone. Between the vegetarians and the meat eaters... that's a lot of lasagna.lol. I went to the grocery store with the intention of quickly getting what I needed and returning home to make many offerings.  I assumed, though I never before made that amount at one time,  it would be an easy chore and that I would be able to get them all ready and delivered before supper.  Hmm!

On top of that I wanted to get back to my blog here and get an entry in.  I wanted to work on my novel. I wanted to clean and even begin the heavy  fall cleaning . I wanted to make bread and banana muffins to drop off as well.  I was also planning on a yoga class and knew that meant getting my studio ready.  Through out all this planning and doing I was supporting my daughter via text while her son was being admitted with hyperbilirubemnia ( severe jaundice). I thought I could do it all.

 As I texted and spoke to my daughter throughout it all, I got my entry in.  I got the groceries. I got the dishes soaking in the sink  and the counters cleaned enough to work on.  I rolled my bread and made two dozen muffins and then I began making the lasagna. 

I had the lasagna prep all broken down into subtasks but these little steps, for some reason, kept spreading and spreading.  I didn't have enough hamburger for the meat eaters...so I had to find away around that.  I ran out of cottage cheese and realized I bought the wrong type of mozerella. My counter space kept shrinking as my tasks kept spreading.  There were extra trips to the grocery store required. I didn't have enough of someting else...had to reinvent the wheel there. There seemed to be so much to do for this one task that I could not see the end of it. I wondered if I should  cancel yoga.  I wondered how I would get all that lasagna delivered. And the mess...man...I couldn't keep up with it.  It all became very chaotic around me and I could feel myself reacting to that chaos.  Messy.

I had to pull myself back . When a friend/yoga student  told me in a text that I had too much on my plate and advised that I look after home matters before worrying about yoga...I let out a big sigh of relief! I think she even may have used the phrase "just sit tight" lol.

"Thinking about the hundred plans" I wanted to accomplish was definitely weighing on my mind.  These things did not have to get done.  It was ego that was making me into a fool with all this planning and doing.  What I needed to do, I realized was stop it all, and just sit tight.

I cancelled class. I delayed delivery until today. I finished what I was doing, focusing on one step at a time.  I cleaned up and then I sat. I just sat tight. 

Sigh! It takes a while doesn't it, for all this wonderful learning to sink in? 

All is well!

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindgulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True

The Fevered Thirst of Unsatisfied Longing

 Here struggle can become useful feedback. It is telling us that something is arising in our experience that we are not accepting. If we were accepting it, we wouldn't be struggling. "Nonacceptance" is just another word for "wanting"-wanting something other than what is happening. And wanting, craving, is the cause of dukkha. 

Joseph Goldstein, page 305

Hmmm! We all experience  unwanted, uncomfortable, unpleasant, unsatisfactory moments, don't we? And what we usually do when we experience those moments is struggle against them, do we not? 

Struggling? Suffering? 

You may be sitting on the couch and feeling "bored", which in today's society is often considered an unwanted, unpleasant and unsatisfactory experience. So you begin to struggle a bit mentally with the boredom...thoughts come in to the mind...you may begin to think of all the things you should be doing and begin to feel overwhelmed.  You do not know where to start or how to start so you do nothing.  The boredom increases but it also turns toward restlessness and worry. You might experience an unpleasnat feeling in your gut or in your muscles. You struggle against that "unpleasantness". You feel your body reacting...the foot starts to tap , you squirm around in your chair, you flick on the TV or play with your phone in a conditioned and subconscious attempt to distract. Or maybe you have the capacity to take your mind in another direction and you begin to fantasize about the future when things would be more pleasant and you would be different than what you are at that moment. 

This all happens so automatically you may not even realize what you are doing and what you are feeling....but you are struggling. Most of us would not call this type of experience "suffering" but if we look closely at these reactions we would see that it is basically the same thing we experience and "do" when we are facing all forms of "unpleasantness". You are struggling here because you are not accepting this moment for what it is...not accepting the boredom.  And when you are not accepting...you are wanting something other than what is happening. This wanting , this craving for something other than what is right here, right now, the "boredom" in your moment, is what is causing you your suffering, as mild and as easy to pass off as it maybe. 

Craving: The Cause of All Suffering

Craving, wanting something other than what is.... is, according to the Buddha's second noble truth, the cause of all our suffering. The Pali word for craving, "Tanha",  can be translated to mean, "thirst" or "fever of unsatisfied longing."(Isn't that cool?)  

What we all want, whether we know it or not, is peace right? Buddhist teachings tell us that we will never quench this thirst for peace by grasping and clinging to this world of form...because we can  never attain perfect satisfaction all the time in this way. I love the analogy of  trying to quench a fevered thirst  with salt water. When we crave, and want something "out there that we judge as pleasant"(salt water) to fulfill us and make us peaceful and happy (quench our thirst) ...the thirst doesn't go away no matter how much we drink and the  process could in a sense dehydrate us even more, making us sick. 

The fever of unsatisfied longing is just the opposite of peace. page 299

Unsatisfied Longings

We are conditioned to want what is pleasant, aren't we?  We want what feels good to the body and mind, that which we judge as "good, right, should be"  and we want to stay clear of that which is unpleasant to the body and mind, that which we judge as "bad, wrong, shouldn't be".  In the above example, "boredom" was unpleasant and something we determined, very quickly and unconsciously, as unwanted. We felt our body and mind reacting to this "unwanted" feeling arising in our moment. We could not sit with it. We could not accept it. So, without being fully aware, we began to struggle against it.

Our sense of struggle was due to our "nonacceptance" or aversion...our resistance of the "unpleasant" feeling of  boredom...not the boredom or the moment we were in.  We automatically craved and wanted something "other than this" thus the distracting behaviour and the fantasy that took us mentally out of our moment. Reaching out of our present moments with  physical or mental activity( future and past focus) does not bring that which we are really thirsty for.  It does not bring peace.  Craving does not bring us peace  because anything we grasp and cling to in this way cannot sustain us.  It is like trying to grasp a handful of smoke.  If you are able to grasp it, it will pass through your grip just as quickly as it came. Our longings will always be unsatisfied.  Our fevered thirst will never be quenched by drinking the salt water this world provides. 

Ending Suffering/Quenching Thirst/Living Peacefully

If we truly want to end suffering, quench our fevered thirst and live in peace...we need to break out of the habit of  craving, grasping, and clinging and learn to accept what is. Awakening is simply becoming aware of how we have been living, acting, thinking and then learning to approach Life in a way that brings peace rather than suffering to our experience, and the experience of all beings. We become aware.  We become aware of habit mind and our sense of struggle against what is.  We recognize the nonacceptance we are experiencing and we see it as a wanting something different than what is...then we see this craving behaviour as a fevered thirst of unsatisfied longing. 

Pay Attention to Your Struggles

If craving is the cause of all suffering, what then is the cure?  Awareness and acceptance of what is. That begins when we are paying attention to our "struggling".  Our awakening is the cure that will end all suffering.

Hmmm!  Something to think about, don't you think? 

All is well! 

Joseph Goldstein ( 2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True

Sorrows End...

 But when you move amongst the world of sense, free from attachment and aversion alike,there comes the peace in which all sorrows end, and you live in the wisdom of the Self.

Gita 2:64-65

Hmm! I came across the quote today upon reading what others have read from this  blog over the last 24 hours.  It applies , for sure, to the learning I am presently doing by reading Joseph Goldstein's Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening.

All suffering, according to the Buddha comes from " conditioned phenomena (Goldstein, page 288) . More accurately,

Thus, "suffering" unlike "unsatisfactoriness" is not inherent in the phenomena of the world, only in the way which the unawakened mind experiences them. ..the suffering caused by attachment and craving can be overcome by awakening. (Analayo, Goldstein, page 289)

If we really want to end suffering we end attachment and its counterpart aversion.  We do that when we wake up to the truth that nothing in this world can keep us satisfied or create misery.  Only our clinging and pushing away of what is causes suffering. 

I have had a very busy and eventful week lol.  I never stopped and I am pooped.  Throughout it all: the worry, the fun...the pain and the joy...the learning and the unlearning...I remembered the message of these words.  It is not what is happening that brings me toward peace or takes me away from it...it is how I react to that thing that determines if sorrows come, continue or end.  

Am I clinging...looking to hang on to something pleasant?  Or am I pushing away and resisting that which I determine to be "unsatisfactory"?  If I want peace I free myself from attachment and aversion...and allow Life to be.

Hmmm!

All is well. 

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening.Boulder: Sounds True

  Just a quick note to let you know all is fine...just busy with new babies, a CPR course and a crisis or two...lol...this week. I will be back! 

Turn Towards the Light

 Be like the flower, turn your face to the sun.

Kahil Gibran

The Novemember sun is shining in on me and it is so heavenly...I feel the warmth and energy from it soaking right through my skin and into every cell of my body.  I love light!  I am like an old houseplant always leaning and stretching toward it, trying to capture every bit of it I can ...needing it to nourish me and help me to grow.  Without it I tend to shrivel up, any blossoms I may have been able to create close up.  Hmm! I have had a need for this light ever since I could remember...even as a child I was drawn to it, always wanting to be outside or by a window, and I went into some type of semi withdrawals on rainy days.  

I love this room where I write now because it is surrounded by windows...one of the reasons... I baught this house.  When I viewed the house as a potential buyer decades ago, the first thing I noticed,  looking through the then dark and somewhat oppressive kitchen, was the way the light was shining into this dining room from all these windows.  It was enough to pull me in. A couple of years ago I did something about the "dark, oppressive kitchen" with its tiny window, dark cupboards and so little light. I put a hole in the wall between it and the living room where the big picture window is so that light could stream through the house. I painted my cupboards a light colour that reflects light.  My space is now full of light now and so is my heart. It brought me back to life a little bit, at a time I felt like I might just be going under. Light is healing. 

Hmmm! Feel a poem coming...but I will not go there this morning.  My ticker has been acting up a bit...all the excitement I suppose with grandbabies arriving and coming, losing a dear neighbour and friend and having no time to grieve really that loss, and my book...have been a bit of a physical strain. Man my book ...it's coming.  I have gotten through the writer's block that has been staring me in the face for months upon months... possibly because I am taking legitimate steps to release the pain and memory  of old trauma wounds. The book is helping me to do that and the willingness to do that is helping me to write the book.  Writing, like the light, is so very, very healing for me. 

Even though I know full well, with my now evolving mind, that this right here and now is all there is, all that is important ...I still  entertain a fantasy from time to time. I wistfully  "desire" something up there in the future.  I see me sitting in a little house (that I can afford without worry over finances)full of windows surrounded by the beauty of nature all around me...water, trees, animals and light...writing stuff that has the ability to touch others in a way that could open them up...just like the light opens me up. Hmm!

Just a fantasy...just a wish I don't "need" for healing to take place.  I know that because even here and now in this house I have no idea how I will keep...I sit surrounded by light writing and writing and writing, opning up like the blossoms of the big flowering plant in my living room and healing, healing, healing. And that makes Life so perfect, just as it is here and now.

All is well in my world! 

Whisper Inside

 Faith requires following the power of a whisper.

Shannon L. Alder

Hmm! I trust that feeling I had yesterday talking to my daughter.  I just mixed up what it was telling me.  She did not go into labour yesterday. I was wrong again...lol.  But there was  and still is a nice pleasant feeling in my belly area.  Something positive and wonderful is happening somewhere.  I thought it was her impending delivery...but maybe something else is about to be  born through me.  Who knows?  My book is almost done and I am getting a good feeling about that... could that be it?

 I don't know what, why, where, when , who or how...but there is lovely energy coming from something.  I still have pleasant little butterflies in my core.  Something is happening somewhere.  There is a whsiper going on inside me and I am going to follow it. 

All is well. 

On Poetry

 

If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is  poetry. 

Emily Dickinson

Been thinking about the poetry I write here and elsewhere.  I, serendiptiously  came across read entries from today's stats page  that speak to my thinking of poetry.  Hmm! The universe is thinking of my poetry too? lol

I need to get some chap books together and out there.  The thing is...I really do not kow how to do that.  I do not judge my poetry as possibly publishable or as definitely not publishable.  I am pretty sure a lot  of it, by other opinion,  sucks and some of it is okay. I do not know though what is good or bad...what I should include and what I shouldn't...what I should edit and how I should edit it in order to get it published.  I do not write for the "literary judges" out there.  I don't know what they want and to be honest...I really don't care.  I do not want to put my limited time and energy there. At the same time...I do know that writing is for others.  I need readers if I am being called to write.  I don't know how to get readers.  I really don't. 

I don't think I solve problems in my poetry: I think I uncover the problems

Margaret Atwood

This blog is easy...feel the pull to write and I have the medium for doing so with at least a few readers to receive what I write. I do not have to go through that long and horrid process of submitting lol in order to complete the cycle.

It would be cool to have a trusted and knowledgeable somebody to guide me and teach me...in this submission process for all the genres I write in.  I guess they are called agents but in order to have an agent you need a pretty impressive publishing history and to get an impressive  publishing history you need an agent lol. 

I also need money...a "job" that pays me so I can pay the bills, buy some things for my grandchildren, help my kids out and just eliminate some of this chronic financial worry I have been experiencing ...at least, until I am completely enlightened and serene enough to be undisturbed by money woes. Working on that one.

There is a reason why poets often say, "Poetry saved my life," for often the blank page is the only one listening to the soul's suffering, the only one registering the story completely, the only one receiving all softly and without condemnation.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Imagine talking about writing ( especially poetry) and making money in the same breath lol. Those two do not go together, do they? 

Anyway...it is all good.  I will figure it out.

All is well in my world. 

Quotes from: read poetry https://www.readpoetry.com/poets-on-poetry-15-quotes-on-writing-poems-and-craft/

The Brain in Your Gut

 Always trust your gut instinct.  It knows what your head hasn't yet figured out. 

Unknown

My belly is suddenly twisting and turning. 

Okay...I am not so much worried as I am excited.  My daughter has yet to go into labour after her water broke...but  feel today is the day for some reason. She is in the hospital now,  cared for under the "expectant management" protocol. Up until now I was calm ( though worried until I knew she was admitted) and somewhat detached...I mean we have been texting and talking on the phone nonstop but I didn't get the sense that it was close to time. Now...after my last contact with her, however,  I  have butterflies in my belly like something is about to go down...I am not sure why. My mind is saying..."Nothing has changed woman! It could be days. Calm down and get detached again."   Yet...these butterflies will not settle.  They seem to know something my rational mind doesn't lol. 

Two Ways Of Thinking

It is so cool recognizing the distinction between the information we get from rational mind and that which we get from that inner wisdom we all have inside us. I am learning to more and more trust that inner wisdom over anything rationality can offer me. 

Do you trust your gut? 

What about you?  If you were in this situation, would you listen to that "gut" of yours that says "it will be soon,' or would you be more likely to listen to the mind ( as well as the voices of others who tell you such) that "it could be days"? Would you even notice that activation of intuition within you ? Or would you pass it off as gas lol? 

I have always had a strong, strong gut instinct , a literal visceral  reaction in my abdomen to certain places, people, and things, but the years of conditioning and being told to "ignore that silly nonsense" has led me to turn my back on it and pretend it didn't exist. Over the last few years, as I began this journey to understanding more, I have, however, began to notice it, listen to it and trust it like I never have before.  There is some type of intelligence  there.  

Why the Gut? 

Scientists are now saying that the gut is the  second brain of the body. It actually percieves and interprets information connected to and often seperate from the neurological system. 

A primal connection exists between our brain and our gut...The mind-gut connection is not just metaphorical.Our brain and gut are connected by an extensive network of neurons and a highway of chemicals that constantly provide feedback...That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach after looking at your post holiday credit card bill is a vivid example of the brain -gut connection at work. Your stressed and your gut knows it-immediately. (Sonneburg)

I am not saying that my gut can predict what will happen in the future...it is just deducing and intepreting in a way my mind can't . It, being the  more primitive  of the two thinking styles: intuition vs rational, analytical thinking, means that it is often ignored by our over analytical minds. Yet its ancient and tried and tested  roots make it so it really should not be discounted.

It is time to stop the witch hunt on intuition, and see it for what it is: a fast, automatic and subconscious processing style, that can provide us with very useful information that deliberate analyzing can't. (The Conversation)

I may come here tomorrow with my head down and say ..."Awe that gut feeling was wrong.  I should not have trusted it."   I have a "funny feeling" that won't be the case though. Even if it is...my gut is definitely telling me something...my "rational" mind may just be interpreting its message incorrectly. Hmm! Let us see! 

All is well in my world!

Sonnenburg, J & E (May, 2015) Gut Feelings-The second Brain in Our Gastrointestinal Systems. on  Scientific American https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/gut-feelings-the-second-brain-in-our-gastrointestinal-systems-excerpt/

The Conversation (May, 2018) Is it rational to trust your gut instincts: A neurologist Explains. https://theconversation.com/is-it-rational-to-trust-your-gut-feelings-a-neuroscientist-explains-95086

Clinging to Permanence

 They[most people] hold on too hard.and so take the life out of this transient, fragile thing that Life is. To have Life and to have its pleasure, you must at the same time let go of it. 

Alan Watts

We need to let go of our need for permanence.  The pleasurable does not last, nor is it supposed to.  It will come into our experience and it will leave our experience. As it is meant to.  

We actually turn pleasure into pain when we cling to that which we think will bring pleasure or that we believe will  at least stop us from experiencing pain...we go against the natural grain. Nothing lasts! Putting all energy into attempting to make it last forever makes us miserable because it is an impossible mission.

The demand for permanence in every area of our existence is the cause for human misery. There is no such thing as permanence at all. 

Krishnamurti

Alan Watts /Wiara (October, 2017) Let Go of Attachment https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_I3Iqx8GY0

Worry and Restlessness

 All life is only temporary. Why worry about anything that is only temporary.

The Buddha

So far I have related three of the hindrances to the story of "me,"  explaining how I...this body and mind... am experiencing them.  I have spoken of desire, aversion, and sloth and torpor.  I am probably more impacted by the forth  hindrance than any others.  I have been experiencing a fair degree of  worry and restlessness  lately. 

Side note: As I write this the squiggly lines in my visual field are slowly turning into dark cloudy patches.  I am not worried about this lol...I know it is just an ocular migraine...just mentioning it in case you notice several typos. ..there will be many more if I lose most of my visual field as I sometimes do. I am determined to write regardless.  I feel I missed five days when I was away looking after my granddaughter. I do not want to miss more. So let's see what happens as I type around these patches. Getting a little worse now.  Cool to observe though.

Worrying About Children? 

Care about your children. Just bless them instead of worrying, as every child is the little Buddha that helps his parents to grow up. The Buddha

Anyway...not worrying about your children is not an easy thing to do. I have been so worried about mine over the last few years, regardless of how I practice "parenting with serenity",  it often  keeps me up at night, sometimes pacing back and forth. And I worry about my grandchildren...those that have just been delivered and those that are about to be.  While my grandson was being born this time last week...I paced back and forth with the phone in my hand anxioulsy waiting for any news especially when my son told me baby's heart rate was dropping with contractions after Mom's water was broken. I worried about problems with the cord ( Yeah...being a nurse does not help with the worry issues lol) and afterwards that he was having trouble latching and not gaining the weight he should. Of course, while they were delivering I was watching my granddaughter and I was worried about her and her sleep and her bowels and her missing Mom and Dad. I worried about that entire family and how they were going to manage with the sleep issues my garnddaughter seemed to be having and their own relationship issues.  I just worried.

And then there is my daughter's pregnancy.  She started going in to labour at 33 weeks . When she went into labour then all I could do is be there for her by phone ( because of COVID) ...man...I paced back and forth then. Then when they stopped the labour in hope of geting to 35 weeks I worried everyday. She was back to the hospital twice since then...worry! She called me this morning and explained to me that she seemed to be having what I feel is amniotic fluid leakage...I worried about her getting to the hospital.  I mean baby is 35 weeks now but tiny...and with leaking fluid I don't want there to be any issues with cord. She gets in the car and texts me they have no gas and I am like...oh no...more worry...will they run out of gas before they get there? When she gets there the swab shows it isn't amniotic fluid but my strong gut instinct is saying...yeah it is! They send her home...worry!  She texts me when she gets home that it is leaking again, more worry.  Now she is en route back to hospital...worry. I am back on the phone...writing here when I am not texting or speaking  there...a bit of pacing in between. And because my vision is going I am worried that I will not be able to see the texts....ugh! Worry and restlessness. 

Okay getting pretty patchy...excuse the typos. 

Awareness: The First step Away From Worry

Being aware that one is getting lost in this hindrance is a wonderful first step to stepping back from it.  I recognize worry and restlessness in me...I see how I am reacting to life events in this habitual way. I am aware of how unskillful this reaction is.  

It is funny, eh, how we subconsciously believe that if we worry it will help us deal with whatever is going on...how we assume in some strange way that worry is a natural and beneficial reaction to circumstance?  I am sure I am not the only person who would worry in  such situations but  normal doesn't mean helathy, skillful or wholesome , does it?  Woryy and restlessness are not skillful ways to be. They are teh exact opposite of teh epace we are looking for. 

Hmm!  I klnow what I need to do.  I need to get back to my center and patient ly wiat for Life to do what Life is here to do.

All is well! 

Quotes from https://www.azquotes.com/author/37842-Gautama_Buddha/tag/worry

Only After...

 Only after 

the last tree has been cut down;

Only after

the last river has been posioned;

Only after 

the last fish has been caught,

Only then

will you realize that

money cannot be eaten.

A Cree Proverb

https://rusty-gunn.medium.com/only-after-

The Recognition in Namaste

 Love is the recognition that you share the same essence ...recognizing essence of Self in the other. 

Eckhart Tolle

When I look at my granddaughter who has not been on the planet long enough to be conditioned to the idea of needing "special relationships" and whose perception is not yet veiled by ego ...I see so clearly. I feel such pure, authentic and unpolluted Love.  I mean the real thing. When she smiles or laughs at something silly I say or do...I know she sees her "Self"  in me. She feels that pure, uncontaminated Love for "me". She sees beyond "Nana's" clump of flesh with its silly faces and silly stories to that which cannot be seen. We do not just share the same genes...we share the same essence.  

We all share that essence. Yet too many of us are blinded by our attachments and our expectations...We have created thick ego veils over our line of vision and through that see only seperate forms.  We do not see that essence we share beneath the form.

I teach yoga so the word "Namaste" is the last word I offer my students before they get up off the matt. The light in me sees and honours the light in you .

How beautiful the world would be if we could all see and honour this light in one another.

All is well.

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One day you are just a mother. The next, you are all wise and prehistoric.

Pam Brown

 I am back.  Was away looking after my beautiful and highly energetic granddaughter while my son's second baby, a beautiful grandson for me, ( yes ...he was brought in the world solely for  the purpose of giving "me" a grandson lol),  was being delivered. They needed a five day stay in hospital following...and I now need five days...maybe five weeks of sleep lol.  I raised four children of my own...three were in diapers at the same time and this little red headed bottle of energy I chased around for five days made me question, "How did I do it back then?"  Of course,  when my kids were her age I was twenty plus years younger, whatever I have going on now in this ticker of mine was just beginning to cause me problems and it was a job I absolutely wanted to do. I loved/love being a mother. I absolutely love being a grandmother too and  am not complaining.  Having those five days with her was the highlight of my year accumulating in the birth of her baby brother...another  ball of energy to chase around in a year's time. I am so, so grateful as a grandmother! Just a little sleep deprived and tired so I will get back on track tomorrow.

All is well.

" ...Having seen all form [feeling, perception, formations, consciousness] as it really is with correct wisdom thus: " This is not mine, this I am not, this is not myself,' one is liberated through nonclinging....

    When one knows and sees thus...the mind is rid of I-making, mine-making and conceit, has transcended discrimination, and is peaceful and well liberated."

From Bodhi , The Connected Discourses...as relayed in Joseph Goldstein's, Mindfulness, page343-344 

More Amazing Words of Wisdom From Alan Watts

 

On the Eternal Now

The only place to begin is now because here is where we are...so why put it off? 

Instead of dragging up the past and projecting into the future any desire for fulfillment, we would be better off settling into the present moment, being here and now. 

On Spiritual Pride

Wouldn't it be great to be a mystic? To have no fear? No attachments? No hang ups? To be as free as the air? .... but if you  look into  yourself honestly you will see that you are nothing more than a quaking mess and this desire to be a great mystic is nothing more than a symptom of your quaking mess. It is self defense. ...running away from the quaking mess...escaping...you never can...You are stuck with it. There is nothing you can actually do to transform your own nature into unattached selflessness. ...because you have a selfish reason for wanting to do it. ....  

I often dream about being so enlightened that I am free of all my hang ups, my suffering...that I am completely selfless and altruistic.  The problem with that is ...it is "I" that wants to be enlightened and free.  "I" that wants to be selfless and detached.  As long as it is an "I" goal generated by this "little me" I identify as I am attempting to defend and preserve this version of "I". There is no "I" ...there is no "me" ...that is just a concept or a thought. Mystics...have no "me" sense...they see beyond it to the truth.  So "I" could never be a mystic. 

On the Illusion of You 

...The reason you can't do anything about it is because you don't exist. That is, as an ego, as a soul, as a seperate will...it just isn't there.  And when you understand that you are liberated. 

Freedom comes when we can see the Truth beyond the ego.  There is no seperate little self.

The unattainable, intangible Awareness

They say in Zen...that you cannot take hold of it nor can you get rid of it. In not being able to get it, you get it. When you are silent it speaks and when it speaks you are silent. 

What there is is awareness...but that awareness can not be reduced to a tangible and attainable  symbol or concept.It can only be experienced in the eternal now. 

"You" are not being pushed around by Life

There is the happening...but it is not pushing you around because there is no "you" to push around. ...This illusion of the persecuted ego that is pushed around by fate is altogether disappeared and so in likewise the illusion of the ego that also pushed fate around is also disappeared. By dying to yourself...you become reborn...you become everything.

 This reminded me that there is nothing personal in Life challenges...they are just happenings. I am not being pushed around because there is no "me" to push around.  I can not control and fix Life because there is no "I" to do that.  I am not seperate from Life...I am Life.  Once I give up the ideas of who I think I am...die to this illusion of "Me"...I will see that. 

Hmm!  All is well. 

Alan Watts/Simple Art ( July, 2021) The Universe Grows I-Alan Watts https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkiyqrnAh0Q 

Helping the Universe Grow "I"

 Seeking nothing, he gains all; forgoing self, the universe grows "I". 

Sir Edwin Arnold

I know this at some deep level.  I can't explain how or why I know it but I do.  Still my ego is constantly throwing a heavy dark blanket over this knowing. It keeps telling me and attempting to show me through habit mind  that there is a "me", a seperate self I need to defend and attack for. It tells me that  I need to fulfill this self by seeking something out there in the external world  and up there in the proverbial future. When I don't get there or when I attain and achieve some satisfaction and it doesn't last...ego tells me to keep trying...keep seeking... hhm!

As Alan Watts says, Only suckers put hope in the future. I am a sucker. 

I need to keep going back to my center, that space where this knowing is uncontaminated by anything my mind is doing.  I do not need to go "out there'' or "up there" in some future moment.There is only this moment!   Right now, I just need to stop and remind myself of this. Our purpose here, I guess, is to help the universe to grow in "I"ness...we cannot do that if each mind in a  sack of flesh sees itself as "I" independent of the universe. 

We need to relinguish our seperate claims of "I"...realize the illusionary nature of it ...and wake up to the truth of Life. 

A man who understands the Tao in the morning, can die peacefully in the evening. Confucious? 

Hmm! Some more food for thought!

All is well

Alan Watts/ T & H- Inspiration and Motivation ( August, 2021) Alan Watts on the Eternal Now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IheL31luaEs

Coming Out Of

 

It should be obvious that the human being goes with the universe...even though we say in popular speech  " I came into this world!" It is not true that you came into  this world. You came out of it in the same way a flower comes out of  a plant, and fruit comes out of a tree. And therefore people are an expression of its energy and its nature. 

Alan Watts

I am contemplating these wonderful words of wisdom from Alan Watts as I contunue to wonder, "Who am I...really?"  

Who is the "I" Lost in Hindrances? 

This clump of flesh and busy mind experienced or observed some more challenging life events yesterday  when my daughter started having contractions again.  The goal was to get her  to  35 weeks before the baby "comes into" this world. Hmm! "I" was worried yesterday. "I" was desiring something different in this moment..."I" was projecting up into the future where the 35 week mark was because I had ill will for the moment unfolding in front of me.  "I" was doubting that we would get there and "I" found myself curling up and doing nothing...hiding under the  covers of sloth and torpor. "I" was lost in the five hindrances and therefore not experiencing the peace "I"  wanted to feel.

Now that is a lot of "I"  usage for someone studying the whole idea of "non-self", isn't it?  This morning I found myself reflecting on yesterday's events and  asking: Who is this "I" that was supposedly lost in the five hindrances, anyway?

Serendipity brought me this video  from Alan Watts, listed below, to echo my reflections.

Who am "I"? 

The most fasicinating problem in the  world is,  Who am I? ...What do you mean, what do you feel when you say the word "I"? 

When I utter the word "I" these days I experience a certain vagueness and disconnect. The "I" that was straying off the skilfull and wholesome path was simply this conditioned idea I have of "Me".  A thought form lost in thought form. Many of us are brought up to believe that we are "an island of consciousness locked up in a bag of skin. " 

Yet this is not who we really are , is it? We really do not know who we are, what this "I" is, do we? 

Can't See It

...it is so mysterious.  It is so elusive. ...because what you are in your inner most being escapes your examination rather in the same way  you cannot look directly into your own eyes without using a mirror...

We see ourselves as the masks we wear and the roles we were conditioned to play but we cannot look directly at who we really are...because  we are everything and everything cannot see itself.  So it is easier to see ourselves as personalities and minds in seperate sacks of skin. We see ourselves as seperate from the external world beyond these flesh bags. We grow up believing we therefore need to defend and attack to preserve this "I". 

Seperate Sacks of Skin? 

....believing that what is outside this "me" is not "me" sets up a foundation of hostility and estrangement between ourselves and the so called external world

This seperation idea is taught extensively in  the teachings of ACIM and other spiritual teachings.  As long as we view ourselves as seperate , we cannot see or experience who we really are beyond the illusion of "I". We are threatened by that which exists outside us.  So we try to conquer and fight the external world, getting farther and farther away from understanding who we really are.

Not Coming Into...Coming Out of 

Yet if we were to stand back and watch something  in nature grow, we  would see  that nature,  doesn't assemble parts...it expands from within  and gradually complicates itself expanding outward...Watts teaches that it is absolutely absurd to say that we came into this world when we really came out of it.

This baby, about to be delivered, is coming from the world not into it.  Like a piece of fruit on a tree or a flower on a plant he will be an expression of the world's energy and nature...not seperate from it. Just like the "I" that felt so seperate yesterday, lost in the mental hindrances, is simply an expression of the Life unfolding in those moments I was mentally struggling against. I am not seperate from the Life that unfolded yesterday and that is unfolding now..."I" am it. 

Hmmm!  

All is well!

Alan Watts/ T & H-  Inspiration and Motivation (August, 2021) Most People Will Never See It-Alan Watts on Identity.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdgTcxEKZ3E

The Meaning of Life

 If you seek the meaning of life you will lose it.

Alan Watts

Unrelated Side Note: I have "other" weighing in as a -3 on my stats page lol. How does one have -3 readers lol on a pie data chart when I have a lot of other url's showing up?  Who is this other anyway...must be someone who has access to the editorial portion of this blog, possibly explaining why sometimes things are missing from previously posted entries or moved around? (This is just an assumption, a "jumping to conclusions" ...I really do not know what any of it means! ) It is  mysterious  though and it is peaking my curiosity.  

Anyway...

Wanted to share some wise words from Alan Watts

Life has no meaning except itself.

You are not seperate from the experience; you are the experience.

Hmm! Something to ponder.

All is well 

Alan Watts/T & H- Inspiration and Motivation (July, 2021) People Keep Looking But Don't See It. -Alan Watts on Inner Peace. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qOiGgJuFoE

Desiring Fulfillment InThe Future?

 People look to time in expectation that it will eventually make them happy but you can not find true happiness by looking toward the future. 

Eckhart Tolle

Hmmm!  Still trying to understand desire a little better.  I am still pondering over that momentary fantasy I had yesterday about becoming fulfilled in the future by achieving a certain level of success as a writer, speaker, teacher...about being able to be "free" of suffering in terms of gaining financial freedom and being happy and healthy fulfilling my "purpose".  I mean...I have and have had millions of such fantasies over the years...coming and going.  I have even had plenty of momentary achievements and attainments related to this goal. It felt like I had succeeded or would succeed many times.  Like all phenomena, these 'achievements'  never lasted, but they did arise and come into my life for a while at least.  This convinced me that desiring was a good and healthy thing to do.  It could actually make things happen ( as proposed by the Law of attraction) and besides it felt so darn good to be swept away by fantasy, so much better than dealing with life as it actually was.

I wrote a lot about wanting over the years...sometimes supporting the Law of Attraction and the healthy benefits of desiring and other times writing how I see it as a hindrance to our awakening.   

Yesterday was the first time, however, that I really looked deeply into the nature of this fantasy, this desire and therefore into the nature of desire itself. I observed several things.

Desire is a future projection. When we desire we are asking the future to fulfill us because we are not feeling fulfilled now.  If we were fulfilled right now, felt truely happy, like we had everythng we needed here and now we wouldn't mentally  jump into a time that will never come, would we, in hope that it will give us what we don't have now?  We would not "expect" anything from tomorrow because we would not need anything from tomorrow. We would realize we had  all that was necessary for our happiness now. If I perceived  things were going well here...if I did not feel worried and stressed all the time...I wouldn't go to some futuristic story in my head for rescue. I would not need to. 

Desire is an escape from the now. When  do we tend to go deep into fantasy? I know myself this fantasy often comes up when my life feels tough, when I have been knocked down and am wanting to redeem myself socially or personally, when I feel stress.   It takes "me" away from the stress, the finacial worry, having to deal with the suffering of so many others. Who is this "me" that is escaping the here and now.

Desire is a tool used by the ego or the "little me". It is not who I truely am that is desiring something more than this...that essence cannot suffer because it does not expect, judge or depend on outcome.  It just is.  It is the little me only that desires because it is the "little me" that suffers.  It is the little me that is not satisfied with this moment it is in.  It is the little me that needs the future to save it. This thought I have in my head based on my history, my past memories, my conditioning and other opinion that I call "me" needs the past and future to sustain it.   It cannot be happy "now" so it depends on the future to save it from the now. The little me cannot be sustained in the now. But who we truely are can only be in the now.

Desire has selfish motivations. Desire is not altruistic.  It's intent and motivation is to serve the little me. This particular desire gives "me" what I perceive I don't have in 'my' life at that moment. This not having is what 'I' blame for 'my' lack of happiness and fulfillment. In 'my' fantasy, 'I' have all the money 'I'need.  'I' can keep 'my' house without worrying about it or 'I' can give it away to  'my' son and his children so 'I' don't have to worry about them.. 'I' can travel and do some of those other things 'I' selfishly want to do. 'I' can help 'my' kids out so they are not struggling....thus diminishing their suffering and therefore diminishing the suffering 'I 'experience watching them suffer.   'I' can give away to those that need. 'I' can help support the world. And all that is done to help "me" not suffer from guilt.

Desire delays awakening. Though I have studied how desire is a hindrance to our awakening...looking deeply into this personal example of a fantasy I have been having, allows me to see how it is delaying my awakening.  I can actualize this learning through direct experience. How can I awaken to what is if I am running away from it into this future story? 

Desire is the opposite of Presence. As long as we are desiring we are not fully present here and now.  We are actually resisting,  pushing the moment away to get to the next moment .

Desire is a form of resistance. Because we are often using desire to escape our present moment we are using it to resist what is. 

Desire is the product of judgement, expectation and aversion. Desire often arises, as it did in my case, when I was looking about at my present moment and what it was given me with "This is bad, wrong, shouldn't be." This of corse led to resistance becasue Life was not being the way I thought it should be...it was not meeting "my" expectations...well "little me's" conditioned expectations. 

Desire then, does not come from a skillful or wholesome place. If the roots of desire are unwholesome, then the fruits of desire will be unwholesome as well. 

Desire prevents us from living fully. If I am pushing the present moment away with a desire or future fantasy...I am pushing life away.  The only place Life can be is here and now. The only place the essenc eof who I really am beneath my desire and my little me-ness is here and now.  

What we desire is often not what we truly need.  Even if I were to become a successful and well known writer , speaker, teacher and I earned a fairly good income for doing so...that would be all and good...but it is not what I am truly seeking. It will not fulfill me.  What will fulfill me is what I assume these things will bring me...peace, joy, presence, compassion, kindness and love.  And these things cannot be attained by outer world longing and wanting.  They are already in us.

Besides, the fact that I have little money and little "worldly success" in this role I created in my head, is not a problem.  The problem is my judging and resisting what is. This idea of "problematic life" is just that... an idea...lacking solidity and sustenance.  I do not need to run away from it into another mental state like desire.  I just have to recognize it as a mental state and observe as it arises and dissolves. Desire will not bring me the peace I long for. 

Be careful. Even when we find ourselves seeking this enlightenement in the future...we are still desiring. 

Even my desire to be free or enlightened is just another craving for fulfillment or completion in the future. So don't seek to become free or desire to "achieve" enlightenment. Become present. 

Eckhart Tolle

Instead of desiring, we need to learn to be present in the here and now...allowing and appreciating what this moment gives us. 

Well this is the way desire is in my version or expression of  Life.  Maybe it is different for you. We can agree though, can't we, that  desire is something we all need to at least  stop and reflect on every now and again? 

All is well in my world. 

Eckahart Tolle/ Conscious Awareness ( August 2021) Freeing Yourself From Identification With Your  Mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xxe9MWXBNWQ

Fleeting Thoughts

Thus you should think of this fleeting world: A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream; a flash of lightening in a summer cloud, a flickering lamp, a phantom and a dream.

From the Diamond Sutra, page 238

To start with a thought from my head or one from someone else's, is the question I often ask myself  when I plop myself down here.  Do I write down  a quote I came across today that resonates in me  and write to that...or do I write and then find a quote that applies to what I have written? 

Thought First.

I have been pondering , once again, this idea of non-self that I am struggling to experience directly and at the same time I am pondering the impact challenging life situations  have on any idea of "self" we might have.  Why does it feel so personal when things are challenging? Why does it feel like this "me" is being attacked? Is it Karma or curse that  this "little me", I am obviously still too identified with,  is experiencing? Do we really have to deal with all that crap head on? 

 I was also seeing today how sometimes, after all my practice, I am still running from what I judge as "unpleasant" into "pleasant seeking", even if it is only done through fantasy.  I still catch myself thinking and dreaming about some rescue from these situations, from the moment, instead of just accepting them and all they offer. I recently  found myself in a mental state of worry and fear once again when I realized that I will be  without the small income I was earning caring for someone at a time that I am also in  even more debt: new roof and new grandbabies to help support. The knot in my belly began to twist and turn. I resisted that feeling and ran off into a fanatsy of desire. I found myself imagining selling something I wrote, or finding a job that met my creative needs and allowed me to  earn a decent living. I  even viusalized getting to the point I was free of debt. I wondered what that would feel like not having to worry about money, having that knot in my belly untangled.  I imagined all my efforting here finally having a fruitful outcome that stripped me of worrying about paying the bills and keeping the house.  I was a succesful writer, teacher, speaker.  I found myself living in a fantasy in my head and it was lovely. I was desiring big time. While my exaggerated version of reality seemed unpleasant, (I was a seperate "little me" cursed with bad luck or karma, poor and broke and destined to be that way for the rest of my life) , this desiring was very pleasant. I kind of clung with white knuckles to the door frame of that fantsay when the wise Self called me back to my moment. I didn't want to go back. But  I have evolved enough to know that this desiring will not end my suffering.  It just distracts me from it.  So I came back to here and now. The only way out is through, right?  

Sigh... 

So I want to talk about all of that. You ready? 

I guess we could begin by addressing the understanding that thoughts have no reality or permenance.

The Impermenance of Thought

When a rainbow appears we see many beautiful colours-yet a rainbow is not something we can clothes ourselves with, or wear as an ornament: it simply appears through the conjunctions of various conditions. Thoughts arise in the  mind in just the same way. They have no tangible reality or existence at all. There is therefore no logical reason why thoughts should have so much power over us...Dilgo Khyenste Rinpoche, page 237-238

 My thought that I am "poor" and will be for the rest of my life is empty, lacking in sustenance and solidity.  The thoughts that my life will be so much better than it is now when I become successful and get  paid for what I love to do...is also empty, lacking in any tangible thing to hold onto. The thought of "me" as a seperate little entity, cursed with bad karma is empty of existence, as well.  The future "when" in my fantasy...pfff...nothing but smoke futuily trying to hide the only time there is...now. Even the thought of an "I"...of  a "me" has no power unless I give it power.  . I give my thoughts power when I follow them, when I allow the mind  to trap me and decieve me.  

My fantasy was a collecion of thoughts ...a movie was being played in my mind and I was so enthralled by that movie that for a while I didn't notice I was thinking.  Then I began to realize I was thinking.  The more practice I do...the more frequently and the more quickly I begin to recognize that  I am being carried off by the mind. At first I resisted coming back down to reality.  When  I was ready...this collection of thoughts evaporated away as if they were bubbles on a stream. Once I was back in my breath, my body, my moment  I could examine my thoughts more clearly.  I could see that the thought that led to my fantasy: of there being a seperate little entity being punished by the universe was very fleeting...it arose and left ...By the time I was back in my moment it had changed and morphed into the thought "Hey...sometimes Life is difficult.  It has nothing to do with me." 

The circumstances of my life lack longevity as well and they are the conditions that help to form thoughts.  They, like the thoughts the mind creates in reaction to them,  come and they go.  Right now I am broke, a week ago I had enough to pay the mortgage, next week I will have more or less than I have now. Always changing...arising and dissolving with  nothing solid to hold onto...are the happenings of our lives. And our thoughts , in reaction to these happenings, do the same. 

So that can take us back to understanding non-self.

Non-Self

When we examine and see the impermenance of thought, we see the impermenance of self.

There is nothing personal about Life because there is nothing personal period. 

When one perceives impermanence, the perceptions of non-self is stabilized.  One who percieves non-self eradicates the conceit "I am".  The Buddha, page 238

This notion of little me we have is constantly changing, is it not?  It is a thought or concept and like all thoughts it will come and go. Just like our thoughts constantly change, just like our circumsatnces and all phenomena  change ...this little me is not permanent. 

So there is nothing being done to me.  Because there is no "me" and there is nothing solid in that thing we think is happening to us. That brings me to the next thing to discover...how the fantasy doesn't save us.

No Future Salvation

Desire itself is impermanent. It doesn't have to be gratified before it leaves us.  My fantasy did disappear as quickly as it arose, without it having to come true first and by noting when it disappeared I was able to see the impermenant nature of desire itself. Thinking that desire is something that can remove us from the unpleasant is just a trick of the mind.  Desire itself will not last. 

Hmm!  I am not sure if this reflecting did anything for you, but it cleared up some things for me.

All is well! 

Jospeh Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True: Boulder

Stuck on the Relative Level of Self

On the relative level, we live and act and relate as individuals with one another, with all our personal stories and histories.  On the ultimate level, there's no self, no "I", no one there at all.

Joseph Goldstein, page 74 Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True. 

 One of the  lessons I have the hardest time  actualizing in Buddhist teachings is the idea of non-self.  I can get that most of the things we grab for in the world of form are unsatisfyng and that everything is impermenant but when it comes to this idea that nothing is personally happening to me...I struggle.  I can intellectually understand that concept  but I have a hard time directly experiencing it. It is like "I know it" but "I don't feel it." Especially when things seem to go wrong in numbers! 

I have had a challenging weekend...waiting on one grandbaby I was expecting to come ( turned out to be a false alarm) so I could run to look after my son's daughter; worried about the family and  the man I was caring for and sadly we lost him; and last night my daughter called me at 2 am...she was beginning an early labour at 33 weeks. Again, with COVID restrictions, all I could do is advise, suppport and offer presence from a distance via text.  Sigh! They were able to stop the labour with meds and are in the process of strengthening baby's lungs with cortisone injections into Mom. The goal is to get her to 35 weeks. But it is all up to baby. 

Maybe it is just the sleep dep and the pain that seems to get worse with stress and sleep dep...but man, it feels so darned personal. Even when the "little me" is nothing but a bystander in all these things. 

I know that what happened has nothing to do with "me"...whatever this "me" is.   Life isn't attacking me ...selecting my form and mind as a target for "bad" things.  And really there is no such thing as "bad" without judgements  from this "little me" which is really nothing but a concept. Yet I find myself lost in this sense of personal attack, personal challenge, a "me-me" inflicted with suffering, yet again when I observe the suffering of others. There is very much a "self" that I am experiencing whether it is a delusion or not. 

I will work on moving from the relative to the ultimate level.  In the mean time... Please pray, meditate, or send healing intentions their way, will ya? 

All is well! 

Testing the Desire to Write Here

 When we don't recognize when desire is present, we're simply lost in its distorting energy; when we are aware of it, it becomes part of the path of awakening.

Joseph Goldstein page 125

I had stepped away from my blogging for a couple of days this week.  Wanted to make sure I was not too attached to it or anything that I do on a regular basis. So on Tuesday, I told myself , "Nope!  Not going to write today! And maybe not for the rest of the week. "   

I felt a few pangs of desire but I held back on gratifying this hindrance.  (Can you tell I am reading Joseph Goldstein's Mindfulness: a Practical Guide to Awakening?).  I want a "luminous mind"..."free of desire , which is the basis for delight, joy, traquility, happiness, concentration, and insight." pg 125

I don't want my passion for writing to get in the way of my need for peace.  If that makes sense.  So every now and again I will just not show up here.  Until I can ascern if my motivation to come here is a hindrance to my waking up,  a "desire to do" that leads to clinging or , hopefully, a wholesome and skilful way to be... I will test myself by refraining from writing on occasion.

All is well! 

Joseph Goldstein ( 2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True: Boulder

Living Wisely

 Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.

The Buddha

A bit sad and shocked this morning. I was ancy all week thinking about this person whom I was helping with some of their care since May. This week, I could both observe and sense something was happening.  I knew he was failing as expected from his condition.  On Monday, I was planning on sitting down with the family and a nurse from the health care agency he was admitted under  in order to  come up with a care plan for the "when it is time" sort of thing. I thought we had time to make  these plans and prepare  when I left him and his wife on Thursday. 

But Life had other plans. He left this world 24 hours after my last visit. The "happening" progressed quickly and he died at home while the ambulance was about to transfer him....  He left his body as he had wished. The family only had to witness a portion of the suffering that could have been, the suffering I was expecting and was trying to help manage and diminish.  So I do call that a sweet blessing. 

Still...my heart swells with sadness...for the family and  for myself ( I will miss him and our visits). 

It made me think once again about the fragility of this Life we cling to.  It isn't anything "solid" that we can wrap our hands around. When the time comes, no matter how hard we are holding on, we cannot stop this transition from taking place. We have to let go when it is time to let go...whether we are willing to or not.  It isn't predictable either...we cannot set the time , place, and how of this inevitable passing when it is done naturally.  Life decides when it will be breathed in and when it will be breathed out.

Ironically, as I was awaiting the news of his passing I was also awaiting a call about a new beginning.  My son is expecting his second baby and I am on call to go look after my granddaughter while Mom and Dad are in the hospital bringing new life into the world. Mom was having contractions yesterday. So I waited with phone in hand all evening with the accumulation of this ancy gut feeling I was gathering all week twisting and twirling inside me. I found myself  wondering what it would be...birth or death...that I would hear of first.  It was what we call "death" that was brought to my attention. 

But what is death?  Is it really  the terminal ending our culture seems to  refer to in hush hush voices as we hide it away from our conscious awareness...or is it more?  Is it less? 

Is it not  simply a passing on of one way of being ( encased in flesh and mind) to another freer way of being? How free the essence of who we really are must be without the dense heaviness of body, and the frustrating 'craziness' of the mind to deal with.  

I see this person who has passed as "free". Life was breathed into the him we knew by his name, body, personality, thoughts and beliefs and when it expressed itself fully, through that incarnation with all its achievements and all its failures, all its blessings and all its struggles, all its joys and all its sorrows...it breathed itself out. Hmm! His "life" was all that existed from the first breath he breathed in and the last breath he breathed out but Life is so much more. 

Of course, his physical absence will be missed.  That is what we grieve but how can we grieve for his liberation? 

And to think it is possible to achieve this liberation while we are still encased in flesh and mind. We do not need to wait until our last breath in human form to be free.   Wow!  

So between the first  breath in and the first breath out...let's put away our fear of dying and fill that beautiful pause  we call living with wisdom, compassion and love.

Hmmm! Something to think about.

All is well. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

 Happy Thanksgiving to all those who are celebrating gratefulness today.  I do not want to celebrate  nor do I wish to undermine   the  history of this day . Truth is too many suffered so that the settlers to this continent could have the abundance they were giving thanks for...thus transforming this day into somewhat of an unconscious holiday for their future generations.   Maybe we can get beyond that traditional significance  and transform the motivation for this day into one where we celebrate  gratitude for everyone and everything with equanimity  rather than history. 

Just saying! 

All is well! 

Recycling old pics again...my bad

Back and Forth in Seeing Clearly

 When you see only problems, you are not seeing clearly.

Phil Knight 

An Unrelated Question

I start by asking a technical question related to blogging that is totally unrelated to today's topic.  

Who and what is "other" on the stats page? The majority of  readers are under that designation of "other" and I see they are listed as coming from the United States.  But what does it mean?  Is it just a way that readers protect their anonymity?  Why does it leave me just a bit uncomfortable especially when I see on "other" days the "Lessons"  I did in 2018 are what is being read? 

Have no idea who these readers are and why I feel that gut thing.  I just do. I am, at the same time, grateful for the readership because it helps to inspire me to write. And that is what I am here to do. 

Going Back and Forth

Anyway...want to get back to yesterday's discussion on the going back and forth from habit mind to this new way of seeing clearly that I referred to yesterday as being guided by Grace. 

Friday morning, I sat down to write to someone I have been talking to about my living situation and the need for change.  When I wrote her, I was writing from a place of grace directed clarity.  I was looking at my situation from peaceful eyes and noting that "any suffering" I may have experienced related to this situation, had little or nothing to do with the people, events and happenings but with my creating story around them. I explained how  I was noticing that on some days everything "bothers" me and on others, the very same situations , or things that could be deemed as even "worse" by most others, did not bother me at all, concluding that my mind was the common denominator.  When my mind was operating from old habits and conditioning...I was bothered.  When it was operating from a higher level of awareness I was not.  I was explaining that the most important thing in my life right now is to learn to stay in this peaceful, clear perspective when I look around me...to not be consumed by thoughts about others, myself and circumstance that can quickly pull me into judgement, narrative, and a rationalization about why I should be upset. I want to detach to some degree and remain undisturbed regardless of what Life offers me...and I wrote how I was learning to do that even in this challenging living arrangement I have going on. While I was writing her I was experiencing peace, a soothing sense of detachment and a decreased need for "urgent change" even though the situation was far from pleasant or what would be deemed as "a healthy environment" by most mental health professionals. I could see so clearly how my mind was the culprit in any sense of suffering I might have, not the circumstances. It was very profound.

I walked away from my writing feeling a renewed committment to my mission to wake up, to place compassion, loving kindness and selfless service at the top of my priority list.  I decided to offer a physical service to another in need and was  looking forward to moving my body and mind as one unit in this endeavour.  It turned out to be a bigger and more challenging job than I expected.  Lovely while I was doing it.  I staid very mndful but it did  physically exhaust me. When I left that job to return to this situation I have going on here, with a few very obvious triggers brought to my attention, I suddenly found myself less peaceful. I was vulnerable to habit mind and somehow decided to follow it into its tale of "this shouldn't be" .  Just like that the ticker started acting up...the pelvic and abdominal pain came back with a venegance... and I guess, I fell from grace.  I was reactive to other people's unconsciousness...very reactive.  I was angry at myself...knowing , once again, that change had to be made. Realizing that change was not going to come with my simply saying, "Change has to be made now!"  I knew I  had to step up my level of assertiveness ten fold  which in those moments I did not have the energy to do. So I fell back into old patterns of resenting, resisting being repulsed, and beating myself up for these changes not being made.  I got swept up by the drama and story of this situation.  Once again, I became a "victim"  to others, circumstance and Life again. It happened so fast.

After a very rough night with the physical pain and overactive problem mind, I woke up cranky and so lost in this story. It was awful. And to top it all off we arranged to have the roof done that day because it was not going to handle another rain. (I had to borrow though I didn't want to and I have absolutely no idea how I am going to pay it back.) This added to my sense of victim in a problematic world mind.  I was not seeing clearly. I was angry and blaming others and Life for putting me in this situation. I was feeling absolutely miserable physically...exhausted, sick to my stomach, in pain.  Yuck!  I was setting myself up for a day of being on the couch. My mind was telling me that is all I could do and I was obeying.

The Question

As they were clammering above my head and I could see through the windows  the old tile coming down...I remembered what I learned about  the disquise Sloth and Torpor often arrive in. And I found myself asking, "Will curling up with this negativity help you in the long run? Maybe you should just try to do something other than this." I got up, got dressed and went outside to at least supervise if not assist.  I found myself  picking up a few of the old roof tiles and putting them in the bin...the next thing I knew I was lugging and tugging loads of the same.  I found myself bending down and putting all my energy into the simple process of taking old tiles from one place to another...back and forth, back and forth.  I was not attached to any outcome.  I was so in the moment. I was helping, moving my body, doing something productive and soothing at the same time. My depleted energy, instead of becoming more depleted, returned... my pain, though still there, was manageable.  I felt better.  I started working with the very people who I was resentful of only hours before...feeling kind and compassionate. My heart was open. I was truly enjoying this process.  I was calm and peaceful though active.  I found myself, once again, experiencing grace. Why?

I had stopped thinking, was removed and detached from this story I had. When I got out of my head I naturally stopped judging others...and though I could see their unconsciousness...I was no longer judging it or them for it. Everything natually without any effort from me fell into a state of Grace. 

The Moral

Once again I was reminded that when we experience suffering..Life is not the problem...mind is. We can all achieve grace without doing anything but being willing to step away from the stories we created in our minds about it. Sure we may slip back into   habit mind from time to time ...we may continue to go back and forth many times before we awaken fully but the most important thing is  that we keep making our way  back to peace everytime we realize we have slipped back into old habits. 

Life is so much easier and more peaceful when we see clearly. 

All is well!