Write what you want to know?

Write what you know.
-Mark Twain

I often wonder if Twain should have said: write what you want to know.  The more I do this awakening thing, the less I realize I know but the more I want to...not conceptually ...but "really".

I think of this quote I heard today (somewhat paraphrased) :
Wisdom cannot be gained by accumulating heaps of knowledge but by looking clearly and deeply at what is.
Br Phap Hai (accents should be applied :( ) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBv0pWcDYug

When I write I seek wisdom.  I go inward to my present moment experience and look at that.

What Writers write About

I had the opportunity to speak to a "real" writer, the other day...someone who has established himself as a  national icon...someone I greatly admire and respect for his ability as a writer and his humility as a human being. He "sees" the human experience in a way so few do. For the longest time I stood back and avoided him basically because I never wanted him to find out I wrote because what I did with words  felt so "puny" in comparison to what he did.  How could I call myself a writer in his presence? (I do not have a tendency to call myself a writer anyway...I usually just say "I write a bit.")

Well during a conversation D. brought up that I write and  praised me up and down.  I thought I would turn permanently purple with embarrassment  but after a discussion and a kind offer to view one of my manuscripts to see if he could help me out...this established, acclaimed  and prolific writer  offered some great insights into the writing experience. He began by quoting something relevant from Othello ( one of the few Shakespeare plays I have never read...and I read and studied a lot in my day...and to which I just nodded my head like a plastic bobble head "pretending" that I did lol).  Then he went on to say that each writer will consistently write about three major things.  These things/themes will appear in all their writing regardless if it is fiction, non fiction or poetry.

Writing About What We Know

That struck me and got me thinking.  What three things do I write about consistently? Can you guess lol?

• the human experience of suffering-the mind?
• waking up to what is?
• creativity...writing/photography/poetry?

Writing about What We Want to Know

Hmmm! This is what I tend to write about in these blog entries, in my articles, my books and my poetry.  I could sit here and say I am going to write about the feeding habits of the guinea pig but somehow...it would come back to one of these three subjects/themes lol .  It is like I am programmed to write about these things because they are things I passionately want to learn more about.  I definitely do not know everything there is to know about them but I am writing so I can.

Anyway...thought that was interesting.

Will I allow him to see my manuscript?  My first reaction was definitely not...I would hate to burden him with yet another manuscript to read when he is probably asked to read, critique and endorse so many. Nor do I think I could handle the thought of him viewing anything I have done so far...have to get a bit better first :) .  If the novel I am working on now is near perfection after the third or forth or 1104th draft...maybe then lol?  It just gives me hope knowing there is someone out there that is willing to help should I be brave enough to accept it.

All is well.

The Coming and Going of All

We sense that there is some sort of spirit that loves
birds, and animals and the ants-
perhaps the same one that gave a radiance to you in
your mother's womb...
Kabir

It is so beautiful outside and I feel so very, very blessed.  Not just because of the weather but because of everything!!!  I just have this appreciation , right now( not saying I will have this appreciation beyond this moment...lol...but for now...) for absolutely everything Life hands me. I have a feeling of trust ( confidence) and peace.  So grateful for that.

The weekend did not start out so well.  I was worried about loved ones, as you know, even though I know rationally how senseless and "strangling"  worry is. I still felt that darkness clinging to me and my own body was heavy and listless with an overstressed ticker; my mind dark and heavy with an "over stressed" psyche. Still, D. and I were planning a night away on Friday and a trip to "Kings Landing" yesterday .  We got off late for one reason or another and half way there we get a call of a furry tragedy at home. 

Our dogs got into the room where the Guinea pigs were running about in their pen.  Our Jack Russell mix is a true hunter and the three dogs who have been together for over 7 years  have formed a  true canine pack.  Guinea pigs tend to be naturally tremely neurotic creatures with cortisol levels through the roof.  These two were even more neurotic than most  making them good candidates to die from a stress induced heart attack.  Being chased around a room by a dog in hunting mode would basically  be all it would take.  That is how it appeared to be for them. I believe they literally died of fright.  

The owner of the guinea pigs was someone I was worried about .  She at the point I found out, was away from home and did not know of the incident. We turned around to be there for her when she found out.  It was sad ...it really was ...(I was getting attached to the little guys) and I felt so guilty thinking I was some how responsible for what the dogs did and for  not ensuring the door was closed  tightly behind me.

And you know when you have a lot of "negative" on your plate or in your mind...and another negative thing lands on it ...it is like "See!  Told you! Something or someone is punishing me."  Then you look about and wonder what is going to happen next.  Such an automatic reflex...this way of "perceiving".  I want to change that.  I want to have a stable, caring and peaceful heart amidst it all.

Anyway...we did get out yesterday to Kings Landing...just made it a day trip and it was lovely.  Will share some pics once I get them downloaded from Raw.

It was all so lovely.  Then we came home and had a little service for the little guys burying them in an area of the  yard any rodent would like to be buried in. My daughter grieved for sure but she had also seen the natural flow of life, the coming and the going, the turning and the changing in it.  She felt supported and cared for in her grief and she allowed herself to open up to do so. (Pet grief is a beautiful opportunity to express all grief we store inside).

The dogs are now in an offender rehabilitation program and seem to be doing well.

All is well!

May you live with a caring and peaceful heart

For all those who are suffering:

May you see the rising and passing of all things in life with equanimity and balance.
May you be steady and balanced amidst it all.
May you live with a caring and peaceful heart.
From Jack Kornfield- Meditation on Equanimity  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIa81_406gA

All is well!

More of Merton's Wisdom on Writing

If you write for God you will reach many men and bring them joy.  If you write for men-you may make some money and you may give someone a little joy and you may make some noise in the world, for a little while. If you write for yourself, you can read what you have written and after ten minutes you will be so disgusted that you will wish that you were dead.
Thomas Merton

I know this idea of "rejection" of my writing is not as it feels lol.  "I" was not rejected...what came through me was simply not accepted for publication.  There were other entries whose words were more suitable, better put together and chosen by humans in a position to judge what they thought was good or not so good.  That is perfectly okay.  Besides this little sting pales in comparison to what I am feeling from the loved ones I spoke about the other day.  This is "puny" pain and egoic pain.

I was doing , as yesterday's quote reminds us not to do.  I was focusing on the hope of better results.  I was hoping these poems would get published because it was "my" first real exposure as a so called "poet" and I thought it would give "me" a new identity that would strengthen "my ego".  

I mean there was a higher reason for hoping as well...I do believe there is wisdom in these words that come through me, even if there may not be enough skill,  poetic grace and beauty lol. There is wisdom I would like to share.   I know this wisdom doesn't come from my puny little understanding of things but something greater...that higher understanding that connects us all. 

Still ego did step in and say, "Well maybe I can call these poems "mine" and if they are good they will get published and I will be known as a poet so I can redeem myself from this now career-less, title-less , and somewhat doing-less state  I find myself in.  At least if I will be doing something  worthwhile if I say I write 'read"poetry...I will be  something in society's eyes." 

Sigh! Despite all the work I do to dismantle ego, I still have this desire to appear a certain way.  Habit mind is still around. :)

I renew my effort to realize the higher purpose of my writing...not the ego purpose. I choose to write for God!

It is all good.  It really, really is.  The arrow is removed and the little  wound is healing beautifully!

Writing Rejection

Do not depend on the hope of results . You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no results at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start  more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself.
Thomas Merton 

These words help me to see clearly and to soothe the sting of recent writing rejection.

all is well!

What would Love have me do?

Not everything that is faced can be changed but nothing can be changed until it is faced.
James Baldwin (Writer and American civil rights activist)

Yep! Stole another quote and this one comes at an appropriate time from a video that "showed up" for me to watch. (Jack Kornfield/see below) .  It really does feel as if things are just "showing up" exactly when I need them or at least when I am "thinking" about them. I must revisit Andersen's  theory  of how the mind controls our outward experiences.

Darkness All Around?

Anyway, last evening I went to bed in a dark mood. I had the accumulated and compounded experience yesterday of witnessing and absorbing the suffering of three of my children and my step son ...and each of  their individual experience's of  suffering could be classified as real and deep.  I witnessed (and absorbed)  their pain and their mental and behavioural choices.  That was like witnessing them being pierced in the same tender spots with a  second arrow that they are holding in their own hands.  I ask them to at least remove the second arrow and to stop adding to their own pain but they don't. They say they can't. Habit mind has taken over.  Watching them walk around with these painful bloody arrows in them is so difficult. 

" What do I do?"  Keeps nagging at me as I watch and absorb this yucky, yucky pain.

Wanting to Flea ('flee' lol...I don't want fleas in my house) 

I want to close my eyes and walk away.  Say..."You know...I did all I could...they are adults now...this is their journey." It would be so easy to walk away from their suffering...all the suffering I see.  Images of the Beirut explosion, the violence and prejudice minority groups and those who society has deemed as "different" are experiencing , the desperate plight of our youth who seem to be plagued with depression and anxiety like I never witnessed before in my five decades of living, the slow destruction of this amazing planet and what COVID seems to be doing to so many out there... I just want to close my eyes, put my hands over my ears and sing "La!la!la!la!" to myself so I don't hear the cries needing to be heard.

"How Have I failed You?"

Because really...what can "I do" ? What can I, in this little form, do to "fix" all this pain?  I feel so helpless. Sometimes I even feel responsible for it...especially for  my children's  suffering and even for all others "in the village" that I may  have somehow failed.  I find myself also asking, "How have I failed you? What have I done that I shouldn't have done?  What didn't I do that I should have? Was I so absorbed in my own personal sense of suffering, my "me-ness" that I wasn't there enough for you?" Then the guilt and shame adds to the pain of helplessly  witnessing and absorbing others' pain. It  gets dark fast.

"Is This Some Hellish Karma?"

I find myself looking at others, at humanity at large and it seems that what I see is dark and sad.  I also got news that some of the  poetry I bravely submitted , which I was starting to hope was a new purpose  for me, a way to teach or do something , add something to the world that helps, was rejected. It felt like my writing as a whole was being rejected. I looked about at where I was with my finances, no career ( looked like writing wasn't go to save me lol), my new  anticipated source of income failing me because of circumstances, my body acting up and I was overwhelmed.   I actually found myself ,for a moment last night, wondering if I was living in  some hellish  version of karma.  I actually thought that!

Hell to me is not so much my own puny suffering but watching suffering in others and not being able to do anything about it...worse...somehow being responsible for it. Have I done something so terrible in another life that this is my karma...to watch those I love, those I know, those I don't "know' in the conceptual sense  but who I know in a deeper sense  are as much a part of me as the nose on my face...suffer?

Well that was how I went to bed last night...pretty defeated, pretty dark.  But I found myself asking...before I closed my eyes... "God, what would you have me do with all this?"  Then when I get up after a pretty restless sleep  and go to listen to my morning video...the first one that shows up is Jack Kornfield's The Peaceful Heart.  The ending question asked in that beautiful little teaching was What would Love have me do?

We Are Loving Awareness

In this video we are asked to remember one very important thing: We are Loving Awareness.  We  do not  just express it or act it out...we are it! The very consciousness which is everything has been born into these seemingly separate forms we inhabit and walk around in.  This consciousness is Loving awareness.  So as Loving Awareness we observe suffering in loving awareness.  We know the first noble truth that, yes suffering exists and the second, there is a cause for it.  But we also know the third and forth.  There is also peace and happiness and a way through this suffering to that peace and happiness...to remembering who we really are.

Facing and Changing What I Can

I do not know how to "fix" what my children and the rest of  humanity is suffering from.  But I know that change starts with me...finding the peace of acceptance of what is within myself. Then I can  look out at the suffering around me with a big and open heart, not one that is closed. When I breathe that suffering in as Loving Awareness, it doesn't have to clog me up and make me dark and small like it did last night. I have the option of breathing it out into something much, much greater than me.  I am as Tara Brach teaches, just a filter for Love to breathe  in and out of. Hmmm! God, I will do the  work of being deeply present but you carry this...that will be my new mantra.

There is another quote I am going to steal that fits perfectly with my own puny experience:

Warriors of the human spirit are awake human beings who have chosen not to flea.  They abide. They serve as beacons of an ancient story that tells of the goodness and generosity and creativity  of humanity. You can identify them by their cheerfulness.  You will know them by their compassion. When asked how they do it, they will tell you about discipline, dedication and the necessity of community.
-Margaret Wheatley (https://margaretwheatley.com/2019-warriors-for-the-human-spirit-training/)

I don't know about you but I want to be a warrior of the human spirit.  I have a lot of training to do but I will get there.  I will do my best not to flea when I see suffering in myself and others...and instead I will ask: What would Love have me do?

Hmmm! All is well.

Tara Brach ( July 30, 2020)Your Awake Heart is Calling You [Redux] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGE68zj_690

Jack Kornfield (July 31, 2020 ) The Peaceful Heart . https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNZyW7_bLLU

Was going to write but have a bit of chest pain.  (Man...I realize how "complainy", "whiny" and "body focused" I must sound lol.)   I talk openly about my body sensations here.  It helps that I am a Yoga teacher constantly encouraging a connection between mind and body; a listening to the body; a living from inside the body, out instead of vice versa.

So I will admit to feeling chest pain.  I am aware of it.  I accept it and allow it.  I listen to it and I also know what I can "do" about it.

All good.  I will write soon.

 I am also working on a book proposal and that is probably what is giving me chest pain lol. Yuck!  Will be back.

All is well!

On Brokenness and Separateness

Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things break. And all things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go.  Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is you.
L.R.. Knost (Children Rights Advocate and Director of family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources)

I stole another quote from Tara Brach today.  My bad. In my own defense , when I hear a quote I like from someone else, I will look it up and try to find it in a couple of other resources so I see the universal nature of it.  Tara Brach opened my ears to these words, and reflecting on them opened my heart. I owe that to her.

Hmmm! So what did I learn from these words and the other great insights Tara Brach shared in her video , Your Awakening Heart Is calling You?  Maybe this:

Einstein Said

Einstein said it is an optical illusion...
your separateness,
and therefore your  separate, lonely brokenness.
Though it seems you are
constricted and small,
so unlike the others,
as you hide out in dark corners,
clinging  to shattered pieces
of who you thought you were,
protecting  tender flesh  from  the bullies,
you are so sure are lurking about
waiting to taunt, tease and attack
what is left of you....
 it isn't real.

Einstein said you are a part of something greater...
than this small  curled up
"me" you identify as,
that flinches in fear with any movement of shadow,
retreating deeper into the dark depth
of your established corner
and that trembles with the vibrations of unfamiliar sounds
 while fisted knuckles holding onto  broken remnants 
go white with desperation...
You are not alone in your vulnerability.


Einstein said you  must free yourself...
by stepping bravely out of your corner
even though you quake and shiver
without the protective warmth and familiarity of it
and slowly open your eyes
beyond the darkness and the hurt
to what really surrounds you.
Deeply breathe it in
to every cell
and into each  broken piece
you hide behind. 
Inhale the living creatures,
the whole of nature,
all its beauty,
and all its pain ...
until it is all One infinite field within you.
Then breathe it out
into the endless space
that holds us all.

Einstein said you must realize why you are here ...
and  know that you exist,
not for some puny individual purpose,
but for all the others
hiding in their corners,
holding onto their brokenness,
afraid of the shadow you cast over them.
Recognize the faint whisper of longing
that calls to you from the depths
of your pain, their pain,
and begin your walk towards the other corners,
shining your light softly into them
with your gentle request,
"Teach me how to be kind
and to know what it is like to be you."

Einstein said that it is an optical illusion...
their separateness
and therefore their separate lonely brokenness.
Help them to see...it isn't real.
Mend  yourself...
and the world with your willingness to Love.

©  Dale-Lyn (Pen) August 2020

Of course I didn't get all the Einstein quotes from the video...only the one "the optical illusion of our separateness" which kind of became the poem and thus led to  me going to Brainy quote to find quotes that would relate to what Tara Brach taught. Interesting how it turned out lol.

Anyway, it is all good.




Tara Brach ( July, 2020) Your Awake Heart is Calling you (Redux) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGE68zj_690

Albert Einstein Quotes from Brainy Quote https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/albert-einstein-quotes_

• Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty.

• The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive.

• We cannot despair of humanity, since we ourselves are human beings.

• Without deep reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people.

All is well!

 

FYI: Blog is Changing

Just want to warn you before I begin...in case you are following, (and  I do know for sure some of you are, even if the site still  registers "no followers"...close to 55,000 readers since incept but it still says "no followers' ) ...Anyway...want to warn you that I suddenly may disappear in late August .  The format of this blog is changing then and when I go into edit on the new interface I cannot...so...I am not sure what that will mean to my writing here. 

I have so many pages...and I want to keep what I have written so I guess I will have to do up some more books.  The blogger does offer a hard copy version of my blog which I have used several times...so I think I will do that...just to have my already written material handy.

But what does that mean for my daily reaching out to you? I am not sure yet.  I do hope I can continue here in some way. I do want to be there for you too as you are there for me. Having a readership...gives me the opportunity to teach and share so I learn.  You are a very big part of my waking up experience. I don't want to lose you.  :) I  will figure something out before August 27 .

Just wanted you to know...in case I suddenly disappear...that it was not something I chose. Regardless of what happens I appreciate your readership!

All is well.

A Little On Social Masks

Party Armour

The room is full of party faces,
masks tightly woven onto layers of  protective flesh,
worn like heavy armour that shines
when the light from the window hits it a certain way.

I, in contrast, left my armour at home today,
and stood before the mirror wiping the heavy makeup
from the face they thought was me,
allowing the heavily scarred and pock marked skin appear for viewing,
as I stepped over the threshold into a world that now seems strange.

Dulled by my sober  nakedness,
I sit among the beautiful faces that smile at me,
and watch jaws expanding in perfect mouths.
I hear the faint and familiar creaking of  those rusty hinges
 meant to hold all the unwanted in,
protecting  raw and deeply tucked secrets,
as they talk to me in practiced articulation
 about things that allow the armour
to glisten even more brilliantly with every ray that touches it.


I, try to  keep up with their conversations
and do as I am told by a  habit mind that forgets
that I have removed my protective surface.
But the speech that once earned awards and applause
is now full of empty spaces and awkward pauses
where thought will no longer enter.
I forget the things I once knew so well or  at least
I forget how to pretend to know,
making me stare dumbly into their intellectual  discussions,
nodding  like a plastic bobble headed toy on a dashboard
that moves with empty  momentum to each twist and turn the conversation takes.
Inward focus has made me stupid to the going ons of  the outside world,
and I know I can't keep up.

So I force a smile, hoping that the hinges
I am in the process of  dismantling
 will still clamp down on secrets this crowd is not ready to hear.
I lower my eyes to the toes curling nervously into my flip flops
and speak from there when I am asked a question,
feeling the exposed hands of shame and fear
cling tenaciously to lip and brow
making it  painful to lift my gaze to the shine of their outward surfaces
for fear of paling in comparison.

I do feel it though,
I do hear it though,
the faint and desperate longing,
a soft vibrating hum
emerging from beneath their beautiful suits of armour.
The tender vulnerability  they have  contained so perfectly in boxes
that would make Pandora blush in shame,
call out  in recognition  to the  tender spots in me
that I now  wear like an outbreak of chicken pox on my outer surface.
They fear the contagion and yet they long for it.
They fear the painful release of who they  really are
but at the same time they desperately want that freedom.

As beautiful and as shiny as this party armour is
it is heavy and restricting.
As ugly and awkward as I am to them without it,
with my vulnerability pocking my flesh so obviously,
they sense what I know.
I am lighter than I ever was.
I may not be able to keep up with social etiquette
but I am almost  able to see just how absolutely
beautiful and perfect
we all are without masks and suits of armour.
I am becoming free to be what I am.

They pause in their articulate recollections
to look at me with heads held pensively to the side
and in that brief second they make a choice.
They are not ready, at this time,  
to put down their  protective surface
or to release the reality of their pain. 
And with armour still shining,
masks so perfectly held in place
they smile politely,
excuse themselves
and get up to walk away.

©  Dale-Lyn, August 2020

Okay...that came out in an hour or so after having a sense of restlessness since a family gathering yesterday where I had the opportunity to talk to individuals I greatly admire and respect.  This was not meant to make me sound like "Oh I am so awake compared to everyone else"...not at all.  It  came from a very awkward feeling I had at the party upon realizing how out of the loop I was these days to the going ons of the world and how shame and fear were such "obvious " companions of mine now when I do venture out without my ego.  I couldn't carry on a conversation, could barely maintain eye contact etc. Without all the social armour I wore, all the badges of redemption I stuck to my chest to hide my shame and fear (achieving validation for my ability to speak, my intellect, my knowledge of certain things and education)  I seen myself like a dull and "dumb" little party guest.  I was comparing myself to others and I didn't measure up.  So out of  this discrepancy between what I thought they were on the outer surface and what I no longer was ...this poem emerged. 

I realize upon writing it and reading it...that I hold a lot of tenderness for myself in this awkward point of my waking up.  I hold a lot of tenderness for everyone wherever they are in the process. It made me realize this vulnerability I experienced and experience is very real...As uncomfortable as it is...it is something I can embrace. It is like a badge  for the work I have done , the healing I have done...Removal of the armour(ego)...though it leaves me feeling so awkward  is healthier for me than the armour ever was and likely for others ( when they are ready).

It was not meant to point out the armour in others as if I am better for having huge gaps in mine but I guess to point out that we all wake up at different times and at a different pace.  Removing the armour is a part of that waking up.  It isn't easy .  At the same time the real parts of who we truly are...including the stuffed emotions...recognize each other through the armour but especially when one is more vulnerable without it.  So being vulnerable in front of someone gives the other  the opportunity to choose if they want to start being more vulnerable...to start stepping away from  the things that feed and maintain ego. and to start a real healing of release and letting go ???

Anyway...that is what it is about.  Judge as you see fit.

All is well!

 

Arrow Suffering

Fear is not created by situations but by unconscious mind activity.
Eckhart Tolle

Do you believe that?  I do.  I believe that suffering is not created by our situations...our so called challenges or adversity but by what the  mind does with those things.  Do we react or do we  respond to the challenges life presents us with? Do  we build story and drama around them...so that we are lost in that mental presentation of what is or do we simply allow what is to be in our moment?


First Arrow = Pain; Second Arrow=  Suffering

I am reminded of the parable of the second arrow ( which I think others, including myself,  have erroneously elaborated on to include a third arrow).  In the  teaching using this parable, a question is asked to the student.  Something like, "If you were to get struck with an arrow, would it hurt?" 

To which the student would reply, something to the effect, "Of course!"

Then they would be asked, "Would it hurt even more to be struck by the a second arrow in that same spot?"  

And the student would likely respond, 'Yes, Of course!...It would probably hurt ten times more because the wound is still tender from the first arrow.  And on top of that, the original  wound would never heal. "

Finally  the wise teacher would ask, in an attempt to get the student to reflect on the reality of suffering, "Then why do you keep piercing yourself with the second arrow?"

Wounding Over Wounding

We may have an experience of a painful life event...a violent attack, the loss of our wallet, an accident, a cutting remark made by another about us.  We feel pain.  We label the situation as ''painful" or in some cases even "traumatic" .  We experience  the first arrow.  Now this arrow does not necessarily cause suffering.  It causes pain and discomfort in the moment that we experience it. It is also seldom something we have any control over.  It happened to us.

The real  suffering comes when we pierce ourselves in that same tender spot with the second arrow...a mental arrow ...full of story, blame, guilt, anger, shame, fear that it will happen again, defense , attack, hanging on, self loathing  etc etc etc .  We intensify the pain in that tender spot and we keep reopening the wound so it never heals with our mental activity. Does that sound like a healthy thing to do?

We have control with this arrow.  It is a self inflicted wounding over a wounding . It makes the pain ten times worse. This is suffering.

Looking At the Second Arrow

Now we do not have control over the first arrow but we definitely have control over the second.  How?

• We first must wake up and see what we are doing when we get struck by primary arrows.  Do we tend to respond to it by removing the arrow or do we react to it by piercing ourselves again and again in the same spot?
• Are we creating story and narration around the pain? Drama?
• Are we blaming and seeking to make the shooter pay, even if we are the shooter?
• Are we blaming ourselves for being in the line of fire?
• Are we staying stuck in our head, pondering the why's and how's of the pain instead of just allowing it to be and pass through us?
• Do we keep reopening the primary wound by our refusal to forgive and let go?
• Are we giving into Fear?

Poison Arrow

There is another Buddhist parable about being struck by a poison arrow. This story was based on Buddha's teaching that we need to end suffering before we understand all the metaphysical laws of Karma and suffering. It can also be used in reference to the second arrow.

The teacher may ask, "If you were struck by a poison arrow, what would be the best thing to do?  Get help in getting it removed right away?  Or refuse to accept help in removing it until you knew who shot the arrow, why they shot the arrow, how they shot the arrow, what kind of a bow they used, where they came from, who their parent's were. etc?   And to continue refusing to have it removed  until the "guilty party" and the crime was thoroughly identified, analyzed,  judged, caught and punished in some way?" 

Hopefully the student would say, "Get help in removing the arrow right away."  That does make sense doesn't it?  Yet most of us will decide instead to hold onto the poison and the pain. We are too busy, in our unconscious states,  inflicting ourselves with second arrows.  We seem to be more concerned with answering all those questions and making others ( and self) pay  for our pain than we are about doing   what is practical and sensible. We choose suffering.

Hmmm! Something to think about.

Eckhart Tolle (April, 2020) Awakening Through Adversity. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUzC9CrTpoo

Swami Sukhabohananda (Nov, 2019) Buddha & The Second Arrow. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJgmPyIqu_A

Hard Core Zen (May, 2019) The Poison Arrow Parable Revised http://hardcorezen.info/the-poison-arrow-parable-revised/6325

Just to let you know...I cannot get into my  Facebook page or Facebook messenger...I am getting notifications that there are messages waiting for me...but atlas...I cannot access them.

Looking, waiting, judging not

Out of the chaos, the future emerges in harmony and beauty.
-Emma Goldman (political anarchist and writer of the early 1900's).

I opened the door to my kitchen today and stood on the sill, closed my eyes and listened.  It was raining...hard...a glorious downfall of percussion on a thirsty earth.  Man...I love that sound.

Once again, I was reminded how wonderful it was to experience all this...living. The world did not look threatening even with the dark cloud cover...it looked perfectly harmonious in its stormy chaos.

 I was reminded of my writing the other day about this experience of a storm brewing in me...it seemed like synchronicity again to stand where I was standing experiencing  a storm on the outside while one was brewing on the inside.  It gave me hope reminding me of the healing, rejuvenating cleansing such a storm provides.  And then  when I sat down, opened up YouTube for my talk of the day ... there was Eckhart Tolle talking about order and chaos...the first video that shows up. Lovely serendipity.

Anyway...it was refreshing to be reminded that whatever is about to take place in me, and arise in me that feels like a restless storm about to brew, has a purpose like this storm does. What seems chaotic is actually order at the highest level creating harmony in the long run.

We do not have to fear the world,  others, circumstances for seemingly pouring disorder into our lives.  We can stand by, like I did this morning, and simply do as forgiveness does look, wait and judge not as chaos reveals itself as perfect divine harmony.

All is well

Eckhart Tolle (April, 2020 ) The Hidden Harmony Beyond Order and Chaos. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsGSBybe31g

The Encouragement of Light

How did the rose ever open its heart and give to this world all is beauty? It felt the encouragement of light against its being, otherwise we all remain too frightened.
Hafiz- https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7892436-how-did-the-rose-ever-open-its-heart-and-give

I heard this lovely quote today when I was listening to Tara Brach talk about fear. I thought it was so beautiful I looked it up and copied it.  My bad, I suppose for stealing her quotation idea but atlas...beautiful words, like art, are meant to be shared, are they not?

The Cocoon

Right now...I am looking for the "Encouragement of Light" to guide me further in my journey.   The restless ness I wrote about yesterday was pointing a finger at my way of living right now.  On honest reflection, I realize I am "enduring"...I am trying to subdue and supress a fear of what will happen next, what will be taken from me next, who will hurt me next  and seeking to control the outward experiences that may create more fear inducing situations,  by isolating myself more and more inside this little cocoon I built lol. 

Don't get me wrong...it is a lovely, comforting little cocoon.  I wake up every morning to the people I love and the solitude and rush free moments I cherish.  On top of that I am surrounded by trees and wildlife.  I also get to greet and care for seven furry creatures all at once (my childhood dream [and my parents' nightmare ' lol...I was always bringing home strays] lived). And I embrace my meditation and my soul learning with a passion unlike anything else I ever have.  I come here and the words just come, followed by the learning  and it  is like cleansing water coming from a mountain spring.   I am so, so appreciative of this cocoon experience.

On the Edge of the Comfort Zone

Yet, the restlessness comes to walk me, move me, to the edge of my comfort zone and as Tara Brach describes it, the "You are about to grow" alarms go off. They frighten me and I have this intense desire to retreat back, again and again.

 I see it as being at the fringe of another very big growth spurt and I am afraid...because it means facing the uncomfortable, things I cannot control, taking a risk of other things happening, more things being taken away and others possibly judging me, rejecting me or hurting me because of it. It also means facing my past pain.  Hmmm!

It would be so easy to stay here, draw the curtains around myself.  It would be much easier to  convince myself that I really do not want or need wings...they only have superficial aesthetic value and I am beyond all that lol than it would be to go to the edge of this comfort zone, shake the gook off these things I have been given and jump.  As soon as I get to the edge fear asks ..."What if they don't work...what if you can't fly? What if there is nothing more than this out there or worse? Can you handle more pain?  "

So what I am looking for is a certain light to encourage me....a reason for jumping.  I know this pull to wake up is stronger than anything I have ever felt...so I will go in that direction.  I have no choice.  It would be easier, however,  if I felt like Life was supporting me, not punishing me.  I do know that is irrational but fear has a way of collecting past evidence and convincing us otherwise. I have had enough  circumstantial evidence over the last 50 years to convince me that the best option is to just learn to "suck it up, buttercup....and protect yourself accordingly."

 As long as we see ourselves bound by these body lines...we are going to feel fear and as long as we see fear as a destructive and powerful  thing...the more we will attempt to avoid it.)

The Impersonal  Nature of Fear

Yet I am not separate am I?  You are not separate, are you? And my fear is your fear because fear is not, as Tara Brach teaches,  personal.  Fear is just fear, "the fear" shared by humanity.

Hmm...so though it feels uncomfortable standing on this edge and looking down into the darkness. it is okay.  The light I am seeking is inside me, as is the light inside you.  We can do this.  Heck that is what we are here for...is it not?

I am not sure what I am here to do but wake up...And I guess that means writing and sharing  my learning which may offer a bit...just a speckle of light to someone else...and by doing that, my own light grows to encourage me to take the leap.  Hmmm!

Still don't know what that is going to look like or feel like lol  and I guess I do not need to know. It is okay to feel afraid.   I can take that fear with me as I jump.  Then  I just need to flap my wings and glide when I hit that flow of breeze that will take me to where I am meant to be....to that beautiful open rose, maybe.

(Oh my...I feel another poem coming lol)

All is well. 

Tara Brach (Feb, 2020 ) Tara Brach on Facing Fear (Part 1)-Awakening Your Fearless Heart. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B78qfuQ8kVE

Lessons Continued: Part II: What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness....is still and quietly does nothing. It offends no aspect of reality, nor seeks to twist it to appearances it likes.  It merely looks, and waits, and judges not.
ACIM workbook , page 401

Part Two asks a question in each section and offers ten subsequent lessons to help us understand the answer.

The first question asked is what is forgiveness. The introductory section explains that sin is just illusion and forgiving someone is just recognizing that what they did or didn't do was just an illusion.  It is a suspension of blame and judgment.

Lesson 221: Peace to my mind.  Let all my thoughts be still.
In this lesson we wait with all our brothers in quiet  for God to speak to us as One universal conscious mind.

Lesson 222: God is with me. I live and move in Him.

In this lesson we are reminded that God is everything we need...the Source of all Life and we go to him in prayer with only His name on our lips.

Lesson 223: God is my life.  I have no life but His.

Here we are reminded we are not separate but One with God and everything.  We pray to  see our goodness as parts of God, rather than our sins.

Lesson 224: God is my Father, and He love His Son

Our true identity is as children of God.  We pray to be reminded of who we really are.

Lesson 225: God is my Father, and His son loves him

Another reminder of our Oneness. We pray to God in return of the Love shown to us.

Lesson 226: My home awaits me.  I will hasten there.

We are reminded that we can go home to God, to peace by simply changing our minds and perceptions of the world we see.  We pray to God with this knowing.

Lesson 227: This is my holy instant to release.

We can go home today...this very moment by waking up from this dream we are in.  We recognize and pray to God in this recognition that everything we thought existed apart from God was merely illusion. We are free when we realize this.

Lesson 228: God has condemned me not.  No more do I.

Here we pray and realize that God knows who we are more than we know who we are.  He sees our goodness even though we may not. We can stop beating ourselves up.  We pray that we see as He does.

Lesson 229: Love, which created me, is what I am.

Love is the identity we seek and we pray to God with gratitude for keeping that identity untouched

Lesson 230: Now will I seek and find the peace of God.

We were created in peace and we remain in peace. So we pray as we seek that peace that is ours, that Self.

ACIM (2007) A Course in Miracles. combined Volume (Workbook). Foundations of Inner Peace: Mill Valley

Lessons 201-220; The End of Part I

Let me not wander from the way of peace, for I am lost on other roads than this.
-ACIM Workbook; Lesson 220


Finally...getting back to the Lessons from ACIM

Lesson 201-220 are review lessons  structured around the  core idea, I am not a body.  I am free.  For I am still as God created me.

• We are formless, shared formlessness, temporarily in what appears as a separate  form.
•   Though this understanding we see that we see we are all united by this one formlessness and in order to go home to this place on which our form temporarily emerges we just have to be still, call on God's name (pray) and realize that  we are a part of God. 
• As parts of God we are holy, can bless and be blessed,
• And we can discover the  peace, Love and joy of God  is within ourselves. 
• We have a function...to learn what God wants us to learn through the moments of this existence and to trust in this divine essence within us. 
• The lesson we are to learn is the love that unifies us all.
• The only way to have true peace is through God

All is well.

ACIM (2007) A Course in Miracles; Combined Volume (Workbook). Foundations for Inner Peace: Mill Valley

Understanding Restlessness

"The basic "isness" quality of the  emotions, the fundamental nature of the emotions, is just energy. And if one is able to relate with the energy, then the energies have no conflict with you. They become a natural process."
-Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche from:  Pema Chodron's How to Meditate pg 77

Feeling Restless?

I have been having the experience of an underlying "unpleasant" feeling over the last few days.  It actually became subtly noticeable  maybe a month ago...but because it seemed to be underneath a lot of other experiences both pleasant and unpleasant, as well as neutral...I didn't pay much heed to it.  It, however,  became more and more determined to be felt as the days went on ...and today I realize that that experience is "restlessness." I feel restless. 

I am sure it is an experience many of you are familiar with, though you may have your own unique way of experiencing it.  I feel restlessness as a tightness in my gut, shoulders and jaw as if energy is all bunched up against the doors there, waiting for them to open so it can run freely else where.  I feel it in my hands that are constantly reaching, grasping, tapping or gesturing.  I feel it in my limbs and notice that my knee is constantly bouncing and my foot is constantly moving when I sit. The body, as a whole, doesn't want to sit still and either does the mind.  Meditation is challenging...focusing on one thing is challenging and my thoughts are all over the place.  This is my experience of restlessness.

Pleasant, unpleasant or neutral?

Now it is not necessarily that restlessness in itself is "unpleasant"  but there appears to be an energy motivating it, driving it that is perceived/ felt as  dark and heavy, threatening...that is what I experience as unpleasant.  My past memories of this feeling tell me there is something brewing that "I soon need to do"...something "I soon need to face" ..and/or "something I soon need to change".  That something is usually  judged as unpleasant???


What is Restlessness?

Well the word says it all, does it not?  It is an experience of less rest.  Actually I would describe it as the inability to settle and rest into the present  moment because  one anticipates the moment is about to change into something we may not be able to control.  We are therefore preparing self  for action.

What Motivates Restlessness?

I would often get this restless feeling on the verge of the resurfacing of a trauma memory,  long ago supressed; or when there was something that my mind told me needed to get done and I had put off doing it long enough; or there was something in my life that wasn't healthy for me or others and I needed to face it and then make a change.  So as the feeling becomes noticeable, I also recognize this underlying current of heavy energy and the "need" for action of some kind. 

Sigh!!! There is a tad bit of "dread" with this experience of restlessness.  If I described it as a weather pattern, I would describe it as a dark, heavy cloud cover, the air thick with a storm that is about to erupt.

A Reason For It

At the same time, I dread it...I know the storm needs to erupt.  Past memory also tells me that I usually feel refreshed, cleansed and renewed after the down pour is over. Once I am somewhat prepared for the storm and I let go to it, I evolve a little more. The sense of restlessness comes with trying to make sure no damage is done when the storm hits.  It is like a mental and physical preparation of being ready to run to the windows to shut them all  at the first drop of rain or change in the wind. HMMM!

I am not sure yet what is motivating this energy and I know better to start digging in to dark closets with a fearful, reactive mind.  I know if some awareness needs to resurface for me to look at it...it is best to wait until it comes to me.

Responding to Restlessness

The actions we may  need to take in the meantime, in "response" to this restlessness :

• We need to be skillful ...and beneficial to self and others.  We must make it a point not to react in a way that harms self or others.
• So we begin by stopping, as I have done, to recognize that it is restlessness that is coming to  awareness.  Because of the nature of restlessness, it is understandable maybe that at this point we cannot "sit with it" to deepen that awareness.
• We need to gently deny the tendency to want to avoid the feeling and where it is leading us. Don't run from the restlessness, as I often attempt to do, into numbing activities like consumption , busy work,  unskilful action.(that which hurts self or others)
• We need to accept the restlessness and allow it, knowing it is here for a higher reason.
• We honor the feeling and embrace the feeling in the way it wants to be honored and embraced...with movement. We can move consciously , allowing the restlessness to move through those body doors it is trapped behind: mindful walking, running, dancing, yoga...maybe something like vinyasa that allows for flow and release, Tai Chi etc
• We do not force or demand  the causative factors to come to the surface of our awareness.  Just trust that they will come when it is time.
• We stay in this moment with the restlessness as it is.
• We breathe!  That is so important.  We continue to anchor to teh present moment with breath.  Restless bodies need more fresh oxygen than those that are still.
• We respond to the message the restlessness is bringing us from a calm, clear mind...made that way by the above steps.
• We therefore send appreciation and kindness to the restlessness for taking us to this point of a new awareness.
• We trust that we will be cleansed and renewed by the experience. And from there led to the right action

Hmmm!  Well that is the way I see it after listening to these wise teachers speak. This is my limited understanding and interpretation only.  For better understanding, go to the experts below.

All is well!

Tara Brach (2020 )  Healing Addiction: Deconditioning the Hungry Ghosts. https://www.tarabrach.com/healing-addiction/

Pema Chodron (2013) How to Meditate. Boulder: Sounds True

Plum Village ( January, 2019) Recognizing Feelings/ Sr. Tu Nghiem. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTaXeLpjsg8

Plum Village (July, 2020) The Noble Eight Fold Path # 4-The Practice of Right Action/ Br. Phap Hai https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noIrt9UklQ0

Eckhart Tolle (April, 2020 )  Confidence and the Source of True  Satisfaction. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wD5BpD77-UM

You need to breathe with emotion.  You don't breathe it away.
Pema Chodron How to Meditate

I woke up this morning thinking about my propensity towards negative thinking.  For the most part...I seem pretty positive ...I really do not complain that often though I do complain enough to make keeping this bracelet on one wrist a bit of a challenge.  Of course, others will tell me when they see me switching wrists, "That's not a complaint!".  I respond by explaining that to me it is...there is still a hint of negativity under the surface of my words.  

Going From Negativity to Confidence

Maybe like me, you too want so desperately to get beyond that and have complete faith and confidence in Self and Life, to feel that "power at the depth of who you are"? To be positive in your thinking and your manifesting.  ( Eckhart Tolle)

What holds us back from feeling that?

Of course, what is true for me may not be true for you.  I do have this core belief that I get stuck on that "bad things are going to continue to happen" and when things seem to be going right, "they will not last" .

Is that negative?

It sounds so negative...yet this is based on absolute truth, is it not?  What we call "bad things"...those that bring "unpleasant" feelings are going to come and go through the remainder of our years....and I don't care who you are.  The things that bring pleasant feelings will not last either....no matter how we try to cling to them.  So this core belief ...based on the  reality of life...that makes us label ourselves as pessimistic, can not be the source of our suffering, can it?  

Hmmm...maybe the source of our suffering is not so much that we accept this truth as our reality but that we beat ourselves up for accepting it.

Huh?

Beating Ourselves Up

"I should be more positive."  "What is wrong with me, why do I think bad things are going to keep happening?" "why am I not full of hope?"  "I am creating these bad things with my negative thinking...I better stop the thinking now before I  make things worse."

I know I think these thoughts and I don't have "pleasant" feelings when I think them. I fear and feel somehow bizarrely responsible for every bit of suffering I experience and that those around me are experiencing ...like I am doing it all with my thinking and believing therefore manifesting that unpleasant feelings will come, pleasant feelings will go. Yet I am only thinking the truth.

I judge myself as "wrong", "weak", "to blame" for suffering when I am not "pollyannish" . I look about my life and see all the  "challenging situations" that keep showing up as proof of my negativity  and inability to be more positive.   I have taken the things I learned about the law of attraction, and turned it against myself.  I know this isn't healthy.

Acceptance: the opposite of Desiring to MANIFEST?

So to compensate...I will often go in the complete opposite direction...I will stop wanting, stop desiring those things I believe will bring pleasant feelings and prepare myself to accept and endure the unpleasant. I don't live in the beauty of the present moment because I am in survival mode, preparing and waiting for it to get even more difficult by building up my peace with what is muscles.

The Peace With What Is Muscles

And we all should be building those  muscles, don't get me wrong,  but we also need to focus on all the beauty and blessing and life in this moment...not just on waiting to deal with things when they go wrong.  We also have to be okay with wanting more.  To desire may be the foundation of craving but it is also the  foundation for Living. Without desire, which can be translated from Latin to mean "away from our star" we would never seek awakening.

Of course...our seeking may be misguided toward grasping for substitutes rather than the real thing we want which is connection to Source...and this is addiction...but to desire to be happy and joyful and for   the things  or circumstances we are quite sure will bring it to us in a healthy, non destructive way is okay...in fact ...it is necessary.  We need to desire in order to evolve.

I was happy to discover today that I have misunderstood both the Law of Attraction and the Buddhist teaching on acceptance. It is okay to accept what is and it is okay to want more. I just have to find a happy medium...a "middle way" between them both maybe. ( but I really don't know lol...just have to reflect and meditate on this a bit more.)

All is well!

Tara Brach ( )Healing Addiction: Deconditioning the Hungry Ghosts.

Eckhart Tolle ( ) Confidence and the Source of True Satisfaction

I can't get into global right now to finish the citation.

Pleasant, Unpleasant or Neutral?

 All of the tears I have cried, have become the rain.
-Thich Nhat Hanh

Is what you are feeling right now pleasant, unpleasant or neutral?

Say what???

Many of us are kind of aware we don't feel good when we don't feel good and we will usually almost automatically go right up into our mind when we feel "bad" and pace about   its many hallways  as we question, "What is wrong?"  "What do I call this feeling, how do I  label it and categorize it?" "Who or what is responsible?"  And most importantly "How do I stop it or make it go away?"   We will go to the past and dig up old related  memory or we will skip ahead into the future to the "what if" and "when" scenarios. We create story and drama.

In this trance like state of being in our heads, we may  go to the fridge and open it up  as we stare inside pondering, "Okay what can I put inside me that will make me feel better?"  Or we will go to the liquor cabinet or light up.  Maybe we will go to social media on our devices just to ensure we feel even worse than we already do or to  the TV and turn on Netflix for a good long binge.

When we do this, we are anywhere but here in this moment experiencing this feeling.

Instead of Resisting, Pause, Simplify and Allow

What if we didn't have to do all that?  What if we didn't have to name the emotion or the causative factor right away?  What if we could simply determine if it was a pleasant thing we were experiencing, an unpleasant or a neutral?  Wouldn't that make our lives so much easier?

Instead of saying, "I am feeling happy and blissful and excited right now and it is because of this, or that and I am going to do everything I can to make this experience last"...creating narration around the experience...we could simply just say " In this moment, I recognize a pleasant feeling. I don't know how long it will last or where it came from and it doesn't matter.  I accept that right now I am experiencing a pleasant feeling."

Instead of saying, "I am feeling grief  over this, that and the other thing.  I am feeling angry because or frustrated because...and I am going to do everything I can to push this feeling away, to numb it, ignore it, distract from it" we could simply say, "I recognize an unpleasant feeling .  I don't know how long it will last and where it came from at this point and it doesn't matter.  I accept that right now I am experiencing an unpleasant feeling."

Instead of saying, " I am feeling like "nothing much is happening here....and maybe I need to make this moment into something better " ...we can say, "I recognize a neutral feeling. I don't know how long it will last and where it came from at this point and it doesn't matter. I accept that right now I am experiencing a neutral feeling. "

That may only be a first step to dealing with our feelings but it is an important first step.  Instead of jumping ahead into story and drama we pause to simply determine whether what we are feeling in this very moment is pleasant, unpleasant or neutral.

So what if it is pleasant?

If what we are experiencing right now is pleasant we can recognize it as such, allow it, embrace it, be grateful for it, look deeply into it to determine what about this situation is making it a pleasant one.  But what we do not want to do, is attempt to cling to it or the circumstances we feel are the cause of it and tell ourselves we need to do whatever we can so it doesn't go away.  All feelings, like all form, are subject to comings and goings.  Appreciate it now!  That's it.

What if it is a neutral feeling?

We can actually transform our neutral feelings into pleasant ones by pausing...and allowing ourselves to experience this neutrality without story or narration.  Just feel what you feel...Pause, recognize, allow , embrace and then look deeply , if you feel the need, at the cause of this neutrality without needing to make it anything but what it is right now.  In this moment...it simply is. Maybe with clarity you will be inspired to change some form of your outer experience in the next moment...but it all begins with accepting this moment as it is.

What is it is unpleasant feeling?

We can transform our unpleasant feelings into pleasant ones too.  First pause and recognize that you are experiencing an unpleasant feeling.  Resist the urge to go into your head and analyze it right away...leave that for a later step, if at all. Don't run from it.  Don't numb from it or try to distract from it. Simply accept the unpleasant feeling as a part of your moment without narration, without story, without needing , at this point, to know the  cause of it, without judgement and blame of self and others. Recognize how you are feeling with a simple, "This feels  unpleasant", and  allow it.  Then relax into it with breath, resting, possibly moving the body in a way that encourages the flow of this energy through it: walking, dancing, yoga or Tai Chi for example. Then, when you are calm, relaxed and accepting of the feeling with a degree of compassion, shine the light of mindfulness on it...embrace it calmly, compassionately and courageously  before  looking deeply on it with clarity  to determine the cause.

The most important thing is to stay with the moment as it is.

As we do this, like all feelings and all things of form, " This too shall pass."  The unpleasant feeling will eventually be transformed to a pleasant one of peace that comes with accepting Life as it is.

All is well.

Plum Village ( January, 2020) Recognizing Feelings/ dharma Talk with Sr. Tu Nghiem https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTaXeLpjsg8

Honoring the Calling to Speak About Aging

There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honor your calling.  It is why you were born.  And how you become most truly alive.
-Oprah Winfrey

I woke up yesterday morning and had this deep, in the gut, compulsion to do a video.  I wasn't sure why; wasn't sure what I would say or do; wasn't sure who I would address it to...I just had this compulsion to reach out to someone somewhere  from that deeper place within me. 

Ego was nasty, as it often is when I have these notions to step up and speak out ...to expose myself in anyway that threatens it. It gets embarrassed and attempts to shame me into submission with things like, "Are you crazy?  Well they are going to think you are crazy...Who do you think you are, anyway?  As if you have anything "wise" to share when you are as mixed up as you obviously are? You are really going to do that...write that, perform that, say that , create that...for other people to see???? Come on, crazy lady, get a grip."

I hear ego and some of it really seeps in...but I follow that pull in my gut and I do it anyway.  I am here , aren't I?  Though ego perks up on days I have a fairly large readership or positive comments, for the  most part it resists most of the things I do these days . Yet, even with that resistance is this deeper feeling that I should just be as open and as honest as I can be...to let whatever this is that is pushing me here to do Its  thing...not necessarily 'my' thing. Crazy, I know. But here I am.

So I put this on my yoga page and I put it here.  Imperfect and real, it simply is.

All is well!

Getting Older

If you're not getting older, your dead.
Tom Petty


I turn 57 today.  When I say "57" out loud it leaves a strange taste in my mouth.  57 seems so old but I am not old lol. 

My body may have weathered 57 winters and 57 summers, changing and morphing accordingly but I haven't .  My body may be getting closer to the grave but I am not. 

My mind has also weathered seasons and situations, changing and evolving but I haven't.  Who I am, I now feel more so than know,  is eternal and changeless as it peers out through these two sockets on my head and uses this tool of a mind to get about.  I am as I always was.  Hmmm!

As I realize that truth, I don't look on this particular birthday as anything to celebrate or to mourn. It is a date, a marker of my surviving another 365 amazing, miraculous days on this planet, in this form, using this mind. There is nothing personal or special about it! There is a lot to appreciate every day, every moment by everyone.

That being said, I found myself over the course of the last week feeling sad and "stressed".  There is a restlessness in me today that is preventing me, at the moment, from sitting with my feelings.  Of course, I need to sit with the restlessness and make peace with that first  but isn't that an oxymoron in itself?  I will figure it out lol.

Without having to look too deeply, I have an idea what it is stemming from .  Physically...sleep dep is slowly starting to wrap its tentacles around my day.  I am not complaining or resisting that.  It is what it is. I can honestly say...so far...my transitional symptoms are not as life altering as I was told they would be. But yes...I wake up several times a night in a sweat and I seem to be dreaming more than usual. Quality of sleep is definitely altered.

My dreams are talking loudly to me though and showing me what the issues are.   I am dreaming about repressed trauma, things I barely remembered or never really dealt with. This physical change and the spiritual/psychological one I am presently going through  is leading to an unpeeling of many protective layers of wrapping around this changeless, eternal Self.  Memories and repressed pain is being exposed and that is not a bad thing. There is an opening there for this trauma to be recognized, and expressed so that I can peel back the layer it exists on, to expose more and more of who I really am.  I am getting there.

I am restless right now because ego mind is telling me to do what it always tells me to do when I feel the un-ease or dis-ease of resurfacing emotions: "Run!"  (run or numb, or avoid, escape, hide, stuff, push away) and I am not going to do that.  :) I will sit and deal with whatever comes up as it comes up...
and it starts with recognizing, allowing and embracing that restlessness in a self loving and nurturing way.

It is all so very good.

"They Belong Not To You."

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
Kahlil Gibran...https://poets.org/poem/children-1

I have not had an elastic no-complaint reminder on my wrist for a week or so.  Today I was offered a choice of one of my daughter's bracelets she bought for herself. I was drawn to a simple bead bracelet with a tassle. 

Reminded By The Tassle: "No Mud; No Blossom"

The tassle, in Buddhism, is a reminder of the lotus and this mantra, "No mud: no blossom. "   This bracelet reminds me not only to monitor my thoughts and to do my best to change my complaint habit but it is a reminder of where I am going,  where I really, really want to be. No...not in the mud wrestling pit... but on the other side of the transformational doorway of perceived suffering. Hmmm!

Adjusting To a New Way of Seeing

I am realizing lately how strange that sounds to others and even to myself when I say it out loud.  It is like I am speaking about seeking something few seek knowingly yet I know it is something we all seek whether we know it or not. Confusing? Anyway, when I see how much my thinking has changed over the last little bit I get blown away by the transformation that has  already taken place in my thinking.

Grandmother?

For example, I was telling someone about how I was feeling about being a grandmother.  I was saying I have no personalized attachment to this beautiful baby girl. There is no "Me, My and Mine" attached to her in my mind. There is no "pride" or "glory", so to speak. And the word "grandmother" to me is just a word.  I am aware the  genes that form this body have been passed on to another generation and I find that amazing...you know.  I love watching my son and the baby's mother relate as a little family with such love, hope and excitement.  I love holding her and rocking her and singing to her (unlike my children...she cannot tell me to stop singing lol).  I think about the things I hope to be able to teach her and I look forward to getting to know her...to see what she will become .

Yet...I know she isn't "mine" . 

Even when I call her "My granddaughter" it doesn't feel right.  She isn't "mine" in any way, shape or form. She doesn't belong to anyone...not even her parents ( of course, I do not tell them that lol).  She belongs to Life.  She is a beautiful, new expression of Life, of God.  I can't put a" my" on that. So what the heck, does it mean to be a grandmother then?

I had told my son...that I will be a stable, dependable figure in  the background of her life...always ready to step up when I am  needed. I want to spend regular time with her...whatever they feel comfortable with, to love her, and to help out in anyway I can....but I am not demanding anything because of this "role".  I will not be in their faces while they adjust to this new life as a family and I am not going to assert that "my rights" as a grandmother get met.  What "rights?"

Strange Perspective?

As I was trying to explain that to someone yesterday....I noticed the polite pauses and confusion in their response.  There was  a   brief  moment of fear in their reply that I might be  so depressed I was depersonalizing etc. I also noticed that it sounded so strange to me, in that part of my mind where the "conditioning" still reins.  I thought, "Oh My God...what is wrong with me? I shouldn't be thinking like this. "

Then I had to remind myself...I am not the same person I was ten, or even five, years ago.  I no longer  look out upon the world in the way I am socially expected to. I have let go of so much of my need for attachment to others and things.  I guess I am different in my thinking and my Life goals.  I am therefore maybe not what people want and expect me to be. I don't quite fit in anymore, if I ever did.  And there are so few people around that would understand my new perspectives and ways of approaching relationships and life.  I will likely be the "odd ball hippy "Nana.  I can live with that.

As I look down at my wrist, I think to myself...yeah I can live with the way I see things now and maybe, I will be able to teach her a few things about how I see life. Maybe, I can teach her that it is okay to feel pain and emotion and that, in fact,  we can learn a great many things from suffering. At least, maybe, I can teach her how our thinking can impact our lives so she learns to go 21 days without complaining with ease.  Hmmm!

We will have to wait and see what Life has in store for us.

All is well.

The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious- the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science.

-Albert Einstein