The room is full of party faces,
masks tightly woven onto layers of protective flesh,
worn like heavy armour that shines
when the light from the window hits it a certain way.
I, in contrast, left my armour at home today,
and stood before the mirror wiping the heavy makeup
from the face they thought was me,
allowing the heavily scarred and pock marked skin appear for viewing,
as I stepped over the threshold into a world that now seems strange.
Dulled by my sober nakedness,
I sit among the beautiful faces that smile at me,
and watch jaws expanding in perfect mouths.
I hear the faint and familiar creaking of those rusty hinges
meant to hold all the unwanted in,
protecting raw and deeply tucked secrets,
as they talk to me in practiced articulation
about things that allow the armour
to glisten even more brilliantly with every ray that touches it.
I, try to keep up with their conversations
and do as I am told by a habit mind that forgets
that I have removed my protective surface.
But the speech that once earned awards and applause
is now full of empty spaces and awkward pauses
where thought will no longer enter.
I forget the things I once knew so well or at least
I forget how to pretend to know,
making me stare dumbly into their intellectual discussions,
nodding like a plastic bobble headed toy on a dashboard
that moves with empty momentum to each twist and turn the conversation takes.
Inward focus has made me stupid to the going ons of the outside world,
and I know I can't keep up.
So I force a smile, hoping that the hinges
I am in the process of dismantling
will still clamp down on secrets this crowd is not ready to hear.
I lower my eyes to the toes curling nervously into my flip flops
and speak from there when I am asked a question,
feeling the exposed hands of shame and fear
cling tenaciously to lip and brow
making it painful to lift my gaze to the shine of their outward surfaces
for fear of paling in comparison.
I do feel it though,
I do hear it though,
the faint and desperate longing,
a soft vibrating hum
emerging from beneath their beautiful suits of armour.
The tender vulnerability they have contained so perfectly in boxes
that would make Pandora blush in shame,
call out in recognition to the tender spots in me
that I now wear like an outbreak of chicken pox on my outer surface.
They fear the contagion and yet they long for it.
They fear the painful release of who they really are
but at the same time they desperately want that freedom.
As beautiful and as shiny as this party armour is
it is heavy and restricting.
As ugly and awkward as I am to them without it,
with my vulnerability pocking my flesh so obviously,
they sense what I know.
I am lighter than I ever was.
I may not be able to keep up with social etiquette
but I am almost able to see just how absolutely
beautiful and perfect
we all are without masks and suits of armour.
I am becoming free to be what I am.
They pause in their articulate recollections
to look at me with heads held pensively to the side
and in that brief second they make a choice.
They are not ready, at this time,
to put down their protective surface
or to release the reality of their pain.
And with armour still shining,
masks so perfectly held in place
they smile politely,
excuse themselves
and get up to walk away.
© Dale-Lyn, August 2020
Okay...that came out in an hour or so after having a sense of restlessness since a family gathering yesterday where I had the opportunity to talk to individuals I greatly admire and respect. This was not meant to make me sound like "Oh I am so awake compared to everyone else"...not at all. It came from a very awkward feeling I had at the party upon realizing how out of the loop I was these days to the going ons of the world and how shame and fear were such "obvious " companions of mine now when I do venture out without my ego. I couldn't carry on a conversation, could barely maintain eye contact etc. Without all the social armour I wore, all the badges of redemption I stuck to my chest to hide my shame and fear (achieving validation for my ability to speak, my intellect, my knowledge of certain things and education) I seen myself like a dull and "dumb" little party guest. I was comparing myself to others and I didn't measure up. So out of this discrepancy between what I thought they were on the outer surface and what I no longer was ...this poem emerged.
I realize upon writing it and reading it...that I hold a lot of tenderness for myself in this awkward point of my waking up. I hold a lot of tenderness for everyone wherever they are in the process. It made me realize this vulnerability I experienced and experience is very real...As uncomfortable as it is...it is something I can embrace. It is like a badge for the work I have done , the healing I have done...Removal of the armour(ego)...though it leaves me feeling so awkward is healthier for me than the armour ever was and likely for others ( when they are ready).
It was not meant to point out the armour in others as if I am better for having huge gaps in mine but I guess to point out that we all wake up at different times and at a different pace. Removing the armour is a part of that waking up. It isn't easy . At the same time the real parts of who we truly are...including the stuffed emotions...recognize each other through the armour but especially when one is more vulnerable without it. So being vulnerable in front of someone gives the other the opportunity to choose if they want to start being more vulnerable...to start stepping away from the things that feed and maintain ego. and to start a real healing of release and letting go ???
Anyway...that is what it is about. Judge as you see fit.
All is well!
Okay...that came out in an hour or so after having a sense of restlessness since a family gathering yesterday where I had the opportunity to talk to individuals I greatly admire and respect. This was not meant to make me sound like "Oh I am so awake compared to everyone else"...not at all. It came from a very awkward feeling I had at the party upon realizing how out of the loop I was these days to the going ons of the world and how shame and fear were such "obvious " companions of mine now when I do venture out without my ego. I couldn't carry on a conversation, could barely maintain eye contact etc. Without all the social armour I wore, all the badges of redemption I stuck to my chest to hide my shame and fear (achieving validation for my ability to speak, my intellect, my knowledge of certain things and education) I seen myself like a dull and "dumb" little party guest. I was comparing myself to others and I didn't measure up. So out of this discrepancy between what I thought they were on the outer surface and what I no longer was ...this poem emerged.
I realize upon writing it and reading it...that I hold a lot of tenderness for myself in this awkward point of my waking up. I hold a lot of tenderness for everyone wherever they are in the process. It made me realize this vulnerability I experienced and experience is very real...As uncomfortable as it is...it is something I can embrace. It is like a badge for the work I have done , the healing I have done...Removal of the armour(ego)...though it leaves me feeling so awkward is healthier for me than the armour ever was and likely for others ( when they are ready).
It was not meant to point out the armour in others as if I am better for having huge gaps in mine but I guess to point out that we all wake up at different times and at a different pace. Removing the armour is a part of that waking up. It isn't easy . At the same time the real parts of who we truly are...including the stuffed emotions...recognize each other through the armour but especially when one is more vulnerable without it. So being vulnerable in front of someone gives the other the opportunity to choose if they want to start being more vulnerable...to start stepping away from the things that feed and maintain ego. and to start a real healing of release and letting go ???
Anyway...that is what it is about. Judge as you see fit.
All is well!
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