Sadhguru
Is it okay to be ordinary? To be mediocre in talent and achievement? To obviously not stand out amongst the masses and be noticed as "special"?
Sometimes I fear that very thing. I wake up every night at least once with my body speaking desperately to me. I have that intense pressure in my underarm demanding to be heard. I am not sure what it is telling me but for a moment, because of the fear I still have around this issue and the way it was handled, I wonder if my time is coming. I then find myself reviewing what I have accomplished in this six month wait I have been given...this tidying up opportunity. I have this strong urge to finish up what I am doing with my writing and my teaching. I fear if I don't get everything in neat organized packages, all the work I have done, all the words I strung together, everything I thought I created or did will just become dust that floats away in the evening breeze...unrecognized, unseen, unappreciated.
It surprises me how I desperately want to leave something "special" behind. I realize that my "urge" to have my poetry out there, to have my books published, to teach, and to pass on the little bit of wisdom I have gained through the years to my kids, and to the world is based on this need to leave something, not only valuable, but "noticeable" behind. What I am trying to do... beyond the higher motivation for giving which I definitely have...is to preserve ego...this little version of "me" I identify as...to blow it up into something "special" that will stick in people's minds . My ego doesn't want to be ordinary. It doesn't want to go unnoticed. It wants to be special. It wants to be remembered.
Hmmm! Even though I was always a bit of an introvert and shy...the ego part of me was always pushing me to "stand out" in the things I did and the roles I played. As a teacher, a speaker, a parent, in social groups etc...I wanted to be seen...heard...noticed. So when I look at what "me" says I created...and see how mediocre it is, I feel deflated somewhat. When my photos are mediocre or less than mediocre I feel it in my gut. When I don't get publication or external validation...I feel deflated. It leads me to see how mediocre and ordinary the poetry is, the writing is...and therefore, I tell myself, I am. Was my life mediocre and ordinary?
My life has such a story to it...it really does...a story that others could learn from. I want to put that together into something I can share, in fear that if I don't this suffering and learning I lived will have so little meaning, that it will do so little good. My mind works in a unique and fascinating way taking me to higher understanding...I fear if I do not share it...this thing my mind does/all minds do will go unnoticed and will therefore be meaningless. There is something in me that pushes words gently and sometimes not so gently through me...and if no one sees these words because they are judged as "mediocre" and "ordinary" , will they and this amazing creative breath that blows through me be meaningless too?
I guess I am determining the meaningfulness of something by how it is "received by others", not on the fact that it simply is what it is and the Self in me recognizes the perfection of that isness. In which case ordinary is extraordinary. I don't know. I once heard from a Buddhist teacher that being ordinary is the highest achievement in Buddhism. Maybe I have achieved more than I thought I did.
All is well.
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