Traveller's Equilibrium

 Climb to Clarity and the Five Hindrances

 I took a step toward the mountain that seemed so very steep.

My goal and intention  was to climb it, to sit upon its peek

so I could, upon its  craggy perch, look out and truly see

all that was real and perfect in the world, and all that was in "me".

The sky was pure and clear around me as I began the tall ascent;

 I could see where I was heading, and the purpose I was meant.

The path, however, was quite bumpy  and it seemed so very, very long.

But I, determined, took one step upon the other and promised to be strong.

Hindrance One:  Desire

And just when   my breath was heavy and the thirst burned  within my throat

I spotted a caravan along the path in a place so deceptively remote.

 Its ownwer dressed in finest silk came out to greet me and kindly sit me down

in amongst the beautiful people who gathered all around.

He offered me the finest food and drink and everything my heart desired

and I found myself so pleasured, I forgot that I was tired. 

"That road to the top  is very hard" he cried, " full of sweat and agony

stay with me instead and surround yourself in perfect luxury." 

I  wanted what he had to offer,  all the pleasure he wanted me to share

but remembering my promise politely I declined  and left with pockets bare.

Hindrance Two: Aversion

I began once  again up the mountain, intent on getting to the top

but a dark cloud filled the sky, pouring  down its fury until I had to stop.

There squatting on the side of the path, gasping and in pain 

I saw a fellow travellor cursing and crying out  at the rain.

I stopped to see what was happening , to make sure he was okay

but he just swore at me with hissing breath and  swatted me away.

Yet when I walked past he  grabbed me and pulled me to the ground

he kept me a victim in his hold and I couldn't make a sound

until he had the opportunity to pour on me all his negativity and despair. 

When he was done he spat at me and released me from his snare.

Hindrance Three: Sloth and Torpor

When I walked away his dark cloud followed, hiding away the light

and my mind so full of darkness seemed to take away my fight

but I remembered my promise and  I travelled on, dragging  heavy feet

along the path to nowhere ,a path I wasn't sure I would conplete.

Though I kept on moving, with every step  I was pushing through a wall

How I despareatly just wanted to lie down somewhere and curl up in a ball.

The promise I made did haunt me though and I could not give up right then

so I continued to walk  up  the twisted  path that never seemed to end.

Hindrance Four: Resltlessnes and Worry 

Suddenly  I felt my step quicken and my heart become more free 

as the heavy weight of  torpor released its debilitating  hold on me.

It wasn't long however, before other  travellors came to block my way

worry and its restless forms had a million things to say.

 They jumped back and forth like monkeys, pulling me here and there;

they  listed all the things that could go wrong and told me to beware.

Chattering, spinning and pulling at my mind  they left me in a knot,

It took my promise and determination to fight them off with everything I got.

Hindrance Five: Doubt and Skepticism

Pushing past their grabbing hands, I carried on and headed up the hill

until another traveller got my attention and played havoc with my will.

In a voice all too familiar she listed the many reasons why I would surely fail

in getting to the summit at the end of this long and dusty trail.

"You are just  not good enough." she wailed. "You do not have what it takes to succeed

Besides what awaits at the top is just fantasy, it won't give you what you need."

Her words were so convincing they broke me, they dropped me to my knee

and I was about to give up on the journey and my desire to truly see

until I felt the sun break through the cloud, shining faith down on my head

and I was reminded of the promise I made and what the wise teachers said.

I got back up and walked past the doubts that were noisy and unkind

and followed the trail that before me began to so gracioulsy unwind.

Finally, I reached  the top of this mountain with its glorious scenic  ledge,

there I released the pressure of promise  I held within me and put away my pledge 

I sat down on its craggy edge and looked out before my inner eyes

to see the world clearly in all its amazing beauty without the mind's disquise.

I said a prayer of gratitude for all the hindrance that tempted and taunted me

and bowed my head and thanked it all for helping to set me free. 

Dale-Lyn February, 2021

Hmmm! Reading Chapter four of Joseph Goldstein's and Jack Kornfield's classic  Seeking the Heart of Wisdom (2001,Shambala: Boulder), on the difficulties and hindrances we may encounter on our way to clarity. This mind training is described as a journey of gaining and maintaining a  "traveller's equilibrium" .  As soon as I read that  I thought of this poem that just popped out of me in February.  The poem, is far, far from perfect but it  makes a heck of a lot more sense to me now. 

I took this poem as an exercise in my poetry workshop and revised it. Anyway it applies to what I am learning now. so amazing how everything falls together, isn't it? 

Revised Version: 

Climb to Clarity and the Five Hindrances

Only a moment ago I stood before this massive mountain,

determined to conquer its summit ,

to stamp my triumphant foot upon its peek

and look over the craggy edge 

with newly earned clarity,

I wanted to be able to finally see 

all that was perfect and real

in this world  and in me.

Even the early morning light was saluting me,

radiating support from a perfect blue sky

as I braced myself for this adventure.

I stood at the mountain base,

believing I was so prepared  to begin 

until suddenly

the path that would lead me to my destination

appeared before my untrained eyes to be 

so very, very rough and long.

My heart beat quickened. I wanted to turn around.

If it wasn’t for the invisible Sherpa

hidden within my chest whispering, “climb!”

I would not have moved forward.

The climber within, however, 

would do what it was here to do.

Sighing loudly I lifted my hiker above my reservations and

I took the first step to a better way of being. 

 

Hindrance One: Sensual Desire

I took one step then another, after that another.

I walked and walked and walked

until morning became noon.

The sun beat down upon my skin

turning it a vibrant red.

My muscles ached and the blisters on the souls of my feet bled,

still I walked and walked and walked.

Just when my breath took on the heavy quality of the exhausted

and the thirst of a dessert wanderer burned within my throat,

I spotted a caravan tucked into a remotely hidden alcove of shade.

It’s owner dressed in the finest mulberry silk,

and with heavy Gold bracelets clanking together on his wrists,

came out to greet me.

He guided me to a shady table in amongst the beautiful people

who smiled seductively at me as they gathered all around.

He filled my cup to overflowing and placed plate upon plate

of foreign delicacies in front of me until I found myself so pleasured

I forgot that I was tired.

While the drowsiness of satisfaction oozed through my limbs

he sat down beside me and smiled a perfect smile,

“The road to the top is very hard,” he warned me, “full of sacrifice and misery.

Why not stay behind and hide yourself in all the comfort and luxury I can provide?”

I so wanted to lean into his offer, to stay within his safe and shaded oasis,

to sample all the wonderful things he could provide for me

but once again that little voice inside said “climb!”

I politely put down my cup and leaving a small tip on the linen table cloth

I stood up and began the climb again.

Hindrance Two: Ill Will

Again, I walked and walked and walked,

pretending not to notice as the sky got dark above me

and the wind tugged at my hair and clothes

trying to warn me of what was to come.

I squished down the knowing and I walked.

Before long the sky opened up, pouring  down its fury.

I stopped to hide beneath the full maternal limbs of the nearest pine. 

As I stood there shivering and catching my breath

I heard the desperate voice of another cursing at the rain.

Ahead of me squatting on the side of the path, gasping and in pain 

was a fellow traveller expressing his suffering loudly

to the clouds above our head that  paid no heed.

I left my flimsy shelter and ran to his side to see if he was okay.

He just hissed at me under his breath and swatted me away

as he continued to curse at the sky.

I began to retreat to leave him alone with his misery

but he reached out his hands and grabbed my legs

knocking me down to the ground .

He lay on top of me with all his weight.

I could not move.  I could not cry.  I could not make a sound. 

He spat out his pain and dripped out his resentment,

soaking me with his wrath. 

Then when he was done he got up and

kicked dust in my face before he walked away.

Broken and bruised I lay where I was for what seemed

Like a very long time.

 “Climb!” the little voice within demanded.

Hindrance Three: Sloth and Torpor

I got up then and tried to shake the heaviness of the other off

but his weight would not leave me.

The dark cloud that rained on him followed me,

hiding away any trace of  light.

My mind, so full of his darkness, 

lost its will to go on.

“Stop!" It cried, "rest, you are tired!”

but I remembered my promise and  I travelled on,

dragging heavy limbs

and even heavier thoughts behind me.

I continued to trudge the path to nowhere ,

the end of which I was so sure I would never meet.

Every step required an effort I did not seem to have.

I wanted nothing more than to lie down somewhere

and go to sleep forever.

The little voice, so weak but still persistent,

continued to whisper, “Climb!  Climb!  Climb!”

So I pushed past sloth and torpor and I climbed

 

Hindrance Four: Restlessness and Worry 

With head down I planted one foot  and then the other

I walked and walked and walked.

As I walked on, my determination lifted me somehow,

making each step easier

until it seemed I overcame the obstacle and

had a sense the remaining path would be clear.

As soon as I whispered, ‘thank goodness’ through my labored breath,

other travellers came from nowhere to stand in front of me.

Worry and its restless forms surrounded me and blocked me from going farther.

 The noisy, squawking journeymen jumped back and forth like monkeys,

 pulling me here and there; listing all the things that could go wrong.

Chattering, spinning and pulling at my mind 

they tied me in a knot.

Tangled up and  frightened

I found myself once again unable to go farther

I could not seem to move.

In amongst the fear that rumbled in my belly

came the whisper once again, “Climb!”

I untangled myself from the chaotic mess

turned to Worry and monkey mind’s gang and said

“No !I will not let you stop me!”

Hindrance Five: Doubt and Skepticism

Pushing past their grabbing hands,

I carried on and headed up the hill

so sure that after so much struggle

my temptations would be over.

Life had other plans.

Another traveller jumped from the bushes

before me and stood in my way. 

In a voice all too familiar Doubt painfully listed

the many reasons why I would  fail

in getting to the summit at the end of this long and dusty path.

"You are just not good enough." she wailed.

"You do not have what it takes to succeed

Besides what awaits at the top is just New Age nonsense,

it won't give you what you need."

Her words were so convincing they broke me;

they dropped me to my knees;

And I found myself bent over, unable to go on.

I was so sure that this time, it was it.  It was over.

I turned myself around, following Doubt’s pointing finger

for the quickest way to crawl back to the bottom.

And just when I was about to make  my retreat

the sun broke through the cloud, pouring 

the golden healing light of hope down on me.

I was reminded of my commitment and the voice within me

 once again whispered, “Climb!”

I got up for the last time,

I turned myself around and walking past Doubt 

 I followed the trail before me.

It began to so graciously unwind.

 

I walked and walked and walked.

I climbed and climbed and climbed.

Just when my body cried, “No more!”,

the finish line appeared in front of me,

illuminated in the golden red of sunset.

I had  reached  the top of this mountain 

with its glorious scenic  ledge.

 I sat down on its craggy edge 

and looked out with newly earned inner eyes

to see the world in all its amazing beauty 

more clearly than I ever did before.

I seen myself reflected in its depth

and I seen it reflected in me. 

It was all so perfect exactly as it was.

Weeping in both exhaustion and awe, 

I said a prayer of gratitude

for all the hindrances that tempted 

and taunted me along the way.

I knew then that Life was not there to punish me 

but to challenge me,

to activate the inner Sherpa within me 

so I would climb to my freedom... 

...so I could see what I was meant to see

and  be what I always was.

 

©Dale-Lyn February, 2021

All is well!